When Cat Noir finally found his lady, she was standing tensely at the edge of a tall building, back to him as she overlooked the breathtaking view of the nightlife of Paris. She didn't seem to notice he was behind her, and he hoped to keep it that way until he could successfully psych himself up for this conversation. Or, more accurately, this confrontation.
He gave a quiet sigh. He had been dreading this and stalled as long as he could, hoping the issue would resolve itself without having to be publicly addressed. But he couldn't pretend to ignore this anymore.
For almost two weeks now, ever since their encounter with Volpina, Ladybug had seemed…cold. Shut-off. Detached. She had avoided him at first and, due to the diminished number of akuma attacks, only really met up a few times to patrol the city. And even then, she'd been all business. No smiles. No playful banter. She had poured herself into her responsibilities and her all-serious attitude, and it didn't look like that was changing anytime soon.
Not only that, but the way she had treated Lila, then Volpina…it worried him a little. She'd been a bit onerous and icy to both the girl and her akumatized side. Just like with Chloé when they were dealing with Vanisher and Antibug. She hadn't acted like the considerate and kind Ladybug he knew and loved. She had seemed like she had a vendetta towards them, as if she personally had to humiliate and degrade them for what they had done. With Antibug, he thought he could understand. Chloé could bring out the worst desires out of anyone. Had brought out the worst desires in more than a dozen akumas. But Lila…what had she done to deserve that treatment?
Twice, he had prepared himself to talk to her, and twice, he had chickened out. But honestly, the icy look in her eyes he noticed sometimes was really starting to freak him out
He was so consumed in his thinking that he hadn't been paying much attention to his surroundings, so he was sincerely surprised by the sudden loud voice echoing in his ears.
"Hey, kitty cat!"
He jumped a foot in the air, an involuntary high-pitched scream leaving his mouth. He held a hand to his chest when he landed back on the ground, panting heavily as he tried to diminish his shock and panic. Meanwhile, he could hear the sound of small, cruel laughter in the background.
His heart sank. Her attitude towards him especially had been distant, bordering on harsh. And he wasn't sure what to make of it. Another motivating factor for this mini intervention.
"Seems like the kitty's losing his touch," Ladybug said, laughter still in her voice as his heart finally stopped beating like a hummingbird's wings.
He gave a weak smile. "Just too captivated by milady's radiant beauty to notice much, I guess." He knew it was desperate and weak, but he was really getting scared and a bit frustrated by all this. He gave an aggravated groan that was, thankfully, too soft to hear.
She rolled her eyes, annoyance clear in her eyes. "I'm sure you were," she said drily, turning away and pulling her yoyo out. "Well, as much fun as this is, we'd better get mov—"
"Wait!" he suddenly yelled, reaching out to grab her wrist as she prepared to throw her yoyo to swing away. The look of pure shock as she jerked her head back towards him was almost a refreshing improvement to the impassive and stoic looks as of late. He took a deep breath before he continued. "We need to talk."
He dropped her wrist as she turned around to face him fully. Her shock had melted away to a carefully blank look, just a hint of displease in her eyes. "About what? What's wrong, Chat?"
Adrien took another quick breathe as he desperately tried to think on his next course of action. Finally, he decided it was better to be blunt, like ripped a bandage off an old wound. "You are."
"Wait, what?!" It was almost comical, the way the surprise instantly flittered across Ladybug's face. As if nothing was wrong. As if, for the past two weeks, things have been perfectly normal. Then, her face morphed into an angry expression. "What are you talking about? If this is another one of your oh-so-funny 'jokes', then I can tell you right now, not even close to your best work."
Chat Noir gulped, rapidly losing confidence due to the rough start this conversation had taken. And they hadn't even address the issue yet. "You just…LB, you haven't been acting like yourself lately. Like at all."
Ladybug furrowed her brow, looking exasperated and a little confused. "Cat, what are you—?"
"You've been kind of apathetic and brooding lately. You don't joke or laugh, and when you do, you're almost…mocking and have a lack of empathy. You're acting so, so…cold-hearted. Ever since Volpina, and I'm starting to worry."
When Volpina was mentioned, Adrien couldn't help but notice how Ladybug stiffened, countenance hard and dark. He watched as her hands curled up into tight fists on her sides, slightly shaking. Finally, through slightly gritted teeth, she said, "I'm perfectly fine. Now, let's go patrol the city, or do I have to remind you how to do your job too?" She turned her back on him and began walking to the other side of the building, most likely in preparation to swing away again.
Cat Noir watched her stiff back, feeling a heavy weight in his stomach. Man, that went…exactly as bad as he had thought it would. His lady was either in denial or refused to acknowledge the truth of his words. He felt completely wilted, wanting nothing more than to curl in on himself, draw his knees up and bury his face in them. It didn't feel like talking to his lady. It felt like talking to him. The man who was supposes to be his father.
Except, fathers are supposed to care. They are supposed to be loving, to be there for you. Not shut their kids out, abandoning them, greeting them with calculated looks and almost-cold hostility at every turn. Was it him? Is that why everyone he cared for—everyone he loved—left him somehow. He mom had disappeared one day. His dad had pulled away, and it seemed as though his lady was going down that same route.
Suddenly, he felt a fiery and burning anger, spreading from his head to his toe. He may have lost his parents and he may not be able to do anything about it. By, he refused—refused—to lose his Ladybug. Paris needed Ladybug; the future akumatized victims needed Ladybug. He needed Ladybug. If he had to brandish the cold, hard truth to make her see reason, to turn her back to normal, then so be it.
"Seriously?" He said, voice sharp and cutting. "Is that what we're doing—'our jobs?' Because, I was hoping we could talk, you know, like real people do!" He watched as she stopped, body tense, while she remained facing away from him.
"Look, I understand your whole 'keeping our identities safe' thing you have going on, and I get that there are some things we don't have to share, but I thought we were close enough to be truthful with one another." He said, his voice loud and angry. He was just so done with this. With the walls she put up, with the secrets. He. Was. DONE!
She turned around halfway, not exactly facing him and keeping her head down, her bangs creating a shadow, effectively hiding her eyes from view. "I'm trying here, Cat." She said softly, almost in a whisper.
"No, you're not. You're hiding, Ladybug. You. Are. Hiding. Ever since we fought Volpina, you started hiding behind this wall, afraid someone is going to see through it, see through you—"At that, Ladybug turned around fully, walking back until they were an arm-length away from each other. He notice offhandedly that there were tears forming in her eyes.
"Just because I'm not behaving like you normally do, doesn't make how I'm acting wrong! I'm sorry I'm not acting reckless, or flirting with all of Paris or joking about every little thing, even when we're in very serious situations where we could end up dead. Just because I'm not acting the way you would—"
"Look," he said, cutting her hurtful and insulting ranting off. She was (hopefully) using it as a distraction from his talk and he refused to be deterred. Shouting from the rooftops and not caring whether anyone heard him or not, he said, "I'm not asking you to cry over my shoulder. I'm not asking you to give your life story. I'm just asking you to be a real person again!"
"I am who I am! If you don't like it, then quit. Stop being Cat Noir, if you like. I don't care." The tears had started falling down her face and she seemed to be holding back a sob, voice cracking as she spoke.
"You care," Adrien said softly, eyes piercing as he gently put his hands on her cheeks, gently brushing the tears as they gushed down his lady's sweet face. "Otherwise you wouldn't try so hard to avoid me, so I wouldn't see through this performance you put up for everyone. You are trying so hard to push away something that is seriously killing you inside. Something to do with Antibug, with Volpina."
Ladybug slowly closed her eyes and gave a little whimper, sounding like she was trying so hard to keep everything inside. He never realize it before, but she away did that. Whatever bothered her, interested her, she pushed it aside and tried so hard to convince herself that her responsibilities mattered more. That the 'job' came first. Nevertheless, she didn't have to go it alone. She didn't have to keep it inside. Not while he was around.
"Ladybug, look at me."
She shook her head as much as she could between his firm grip on her face, eyes squeezed watertight-shut as fat tear flowed endlessly down from over her mask to the end of her cheeks.
"Look at me."
Ladybug gave a little choke in response, sounding very much like an injured animal, hesitant and fearful. Afraid of what was to come. Adrien lightly brushed his clawed thumbs over her cheek, momentarily clearing her face of tears and gently caressing her as well.
"Mi'lady…please…look at me."
After a few moments, he watched as Ladybug's eyes fluttered opened, tears clinging to her eyelashes and her iris that of innocent melancholy. Infinitely blue and beautiful. He sighed quietly, taking a minute to gather his thoughts before he spoke in a steady tone, glazing intently into her eyes.
"We may be superheroes and we may be the only hope Paris has, but we're also a team. My kwami told me at the beginning of all this that we are meant to be collaborates. And no matter what, I will never leave my partner behind. I'm always going to be here for you. We trusted and helped each other for almost a year now. So now, I'm asking you to believe me when I say you can trust me now. Whatever problems you're dealing with or any burdens you're carrying, we'll fix it the way we fix anything and everything. Together."
For a few moments, she seemed too shocked for words, just staring at him in disbelief. Then he watched as her face crumbled and she finally broke. She drove in and latched at his torso, cheek buried against his chest just below his neck as she softly cried. When his surprise faded, he gently wrapped his arms around her waist and shoulder, squeezing her tightly against him.
I got you, he thought, comforting the love of his life as best as he could. I'm here, milady. I'm here.
"What's the hardest part of being Ladybug?"
Cat Noir winced at the sudden question abruptly interrupted the quiet. Ladybug had stopped crying a while ago, and they had both been sitting on the edge of the rooftop, his arm wrapped around her as she leaned her head against her shoulder. They had sat like that for a few moments before Ladybug had finally spoken up. "What was that, milady?" he asked politely.
"A bout a month ago, remember? That rather persistent reporter who wouldn't stop chasing us unless we answer at least one of his questions?" Ah, the reporter. He had stalked them for weeks, desperately to get answers and on that particular day, they had been too tired to come up with a reason to stall any longer. "I said that my miraculous was failing, so I couldn't answer and you said something about all the adoring fans all vying for my attention?" He grinned at that. Yes, he had said that, because that's what he found annoying about Ladybug. The number of gorgeous celebrities and young men that wanted her weren't getting any lower, and he could do with less competition when it came to his lady, thank you. "The truth was… I didn't have an answer."
She gave a soft sigh and continued. "I spent weeks trying to find an answer. You have no idea how much it haunted me. It wasn't until after the whole incident with Volpina…that I finally had my answer."
Cat heard the dry gulp Ladybug gave, as well as the hitch in her voice in the middle of her last sentence. He managed to remain calm, patiently waiting for her to continue. He waited weeks for her to finally open up to what bothered her so much that she felt like she had to be cold and hard in order to deal with it. He could stand to wait a few more minutes.
"You know, growing up, I was really shy." Cat started at the non-sequitir, but still let her continue. "You probably wouldn't recognize me them. Though, you probably wouldn't recognize me now, either…" Her voice trailed off, silent prevailing until she shook her head to ward off her distracting thoughts. "Anyway, I grew up knowing this girl who always got her way. Literally, anything she wanted, she got. Whether it wasn't her's or it deserved to go to someone else, she got it. And if anyone, and I mean anyone got in her way, she would just flutter her eyelashes or start a scene that makes it so she's the innocent victim and you're—"Ladybug stopped speaking as her voice gradually grew harsher and louder. She took a deep breath and started again.
"She made everyone else miserable and she never cared. She was just so good at lying that no one could really win a case against her. I…never really liked her. And Chloé seemed so like her, especially when she was Antibug. Cruel, an attention-hog, wanting to be recognized without working for it." Adrien couldn't help but think of Chloé and agree full-heartedly with her observation. She had always been spoiled, determined to get what she wanted despite whether it hurt someone else or ruined someone's day. And the adults never really seemed to notice, leaving her to grow up with delusions that she was well loved by all.
"And when I was listening to Volpina lie…it just reminded me so much of her, twisting words and truths to suit her. Making things up to gain what she wanted, despite who it hurt. I overacted because she made me feel the same way that girl did: helpless and angry. And letting her have it the way I did, made me feel like I was finally getting retribution for myself and all the people that that other girl had hurt."
Chat Noir nodded, thinking to himself. Now that she explained that, it could be understood why she had such an aversion to liars. Growing up with an experience like that would leave that kind of effect on anyone. However— that did not explain everything.
"But…I still don't understand," he said. "Lila was weeks ago, why are you still—"
"A bitch?" Ladybug finished for him, laughing at his stuttering and shocked attempted to reply. "You can say it, it's okay. I was being mean and distant, and I'm truly sorry about that. It's just—" she paused a moment to sigh, then started again. "I met someone that day that revealed some things I don't think I was ready to hear. It really scared me and that's be building up, I suppose. That, plus the whole experience with Lila and Volpina, it made me realize something."
"What?" He asked, patiently awaiting what earth-shattering breakthrough his lady could have possibly had that would make her feel like she had to hide.
"…I'm just like her."
Chat jerked at the almost whispered statement, turning his shocked eyes to his lady, barely believing his ears. "WHAT!?" What, rotated in his mind, honestly trying to see the logic in Ladybug's epiphany. "Milady, how in the world did you come up with such a ridiculous conclusion? You're one of the most compassionate individual I've ever met!" His lady was silent beside him, bowing her hand so her blue bangs covered her face. "Ladybug?"
Ladybug sighed, "I know I don't talk about my life much, but it was good. It's not perfect but I'm really, truly happy with it. I have great parents and amazing friends." She breathes deeply, a small smile appearing on her face, then disappearing as she continued. "But when you lead a secret double life, you end up separated from the people you care about most." Here, she turned to face him, a melancholy look appearing on her face.
"I have been grated great power and responsibility. My life is now one adventure after the other, spent helping people and protecting the city I love. But now…it's like who I was before has changed, and no one can ever know. Every day, I have to lie to people who are concerned for me or who care for me because they can never know who I am and what I do every day. It feels as though there's now a wall between and everyone else in Paris…except you, of course." She added, taking at moment to smile at the cat-themed hero before continuing, "It's like it's impossible to form a real, honest connection with people because I carry this big secret on my shoulders. Every day, I have to look at people I care about, people I love, in the eyes…and lie. To protect them, to protect myself, my identity…"
Chat felt relief and almost laughed aloud despite the heavy and depressing route this conversation was taking. "Is that what you're getting at? LB, that doesn't make you like Lila. She was lying to make herself more attainable, more popular. She was being selfish and trying to be someone she's not. As you just said, you lie to protect everyone you love, to keep them and yourself safe. That makes you a hero, not a liar. It's—"
"It's not just that!" Chat abruptly paused as his lady interrupted him, sounding furious and sad, like she was seconds from bursting into angry tears. "It's this, it's Ladybugs, it's ME! It's always been me." She said, voice rising until she was shouting again. "Ladybug, I don't under—"
"It's all one BIG LIE!" She said, suddenly standing, fists clenched and face contorted in anger. "It's…an illusion." She added, starting to pace intently.
"LB, what...?"
"This…Ladybug isn't who I really am. I mean, when I need to be, I'm the confident hero who knows exactly what to do and how to save the day, but that's was never who I really was. Who I really am is a clumsy failure with the worst luck in the world. Who I really am is so insecure about herself, she almost quit the first day of become a superhero. Who I am is so pathetically shy and introverted; she can't even talk to the most wonderful person she ever met." She visibly deflated here, eye shaded by her bangs yet again.
"Ladybug is the me that is strong and unafraid of the danger that lies ahead. When I wear this mask…it's as if another version of me comes out. A better one. I answer to no one lest a threat comes and can speak my mind to help the city…how can who I really am actually compete with that?" At this, she looked back up at him, tears welling in her eyes. Chat Noir felt a pang in his heart at the sad display.
"And that's why I just can't tell anyone who I am. It's not just because of the threat of Hawkmoth. It's because…I just know when they find out who I am; they'll be disappointed in me. The image everyone has of me…will be forever extinguished." She sighed, wrapping her arms around herself as she continues. "When I'm Ladybug, I can feel what it's like to be someone else. The person I have always wanted to be. Secure, complete and graceful. And I struggle so hard to stay that way because I see the impact I have on people. I just…I'm so scared I'll ruin it by revealing it to everyone or that…if people found out who I truly was, all they would see is the hero version of me. They would not see me, see the normal girl again. That's what I've always been afraid of: being overshadowed by Ladybug. And it's so hard to be strong because of that." She finished softly and sadly, crouching down on her legs until she was a few inches from sitting on the roof, her head bowed down and her dark hair mainly covering her face.
Adrien was shocked, to say the least, but also struggling to process this load of information. In many ways, it cleared a few things up. When they had fought Lady Wifi, he could see the conflicted sadness in her eyes when she hid in the closet. "No one must know who we really are…not even us." He had seen glimpse of what she defined as her "real self" and he could see where her insecurity might come from. At times, she was uncertain or showed a vulnerability that was foreign and unexpected to other people, especially him. In addition, he felt he could relate. He was the son of Gabriel Agreste, expected to live up to the image and perfection of that. Constantly put under pressure to please his father and dealing with the disappearance of his mother.
He also knew what it was like to bottle everything up, so it does not hurt anyone but himself. Moreover, he realized then that Ladybug considered her civilian self lesser somehow. That despite technically being the same person, she thought the hero persona and her job protecting the city made her better than her normal side. He also realized, quite guiltily, that he, along with the rest of the city, were seriously to blame for her conclusion. He knelt down to, gently putting his hands on her shoulders as he thought of that. Ladybug was…like a dream. She had always been perfect to him, something unattainable and too good for him. This really made it hard to argue with his lady's statement about being inferior to Ladybug. I mean, what was better than perfect? "Why didn't you tell me you felt this way? I mean, if anyone could possibly understand, it would be me, so…"
"Honestly, I wasn't sure if you would take me seriously or not. And besides, we don't really do that. We don't talk. We just do our jobs and go back to our normal lives. And you probably have better things to do than listen to my stupid insecurities." Ladybug sighed, head still bowed as she spoke. "I'm sorry, kitty, I didn't mean to cry in front of you, I—"
"That's not stupid, what you said by the way. And you're not forbidden to cry ever again just because you're a superhero." He said, voice firm and sharp enough to cause Ladybug to lift her head up, eyes wide and swarming with unshed tears. "Look, I know I don't act like it sometimes, but I actually have problems in my normal life too. Most of the time I'm alone unless I'm in school and my days are usually busy working. I only have four real friends, and I use the term loosely for one of them, and I am typically described as quiet and reserve. I know what it's like to be so worried about disappointing everyone and being consumed with guilt every day." He sighed, making sure to keep eye contact with his lady, who was hanging on his every word.
"But I deal with that by making the most of what good things I have. When I feel sad, scared or angry, I try to think of something good in my life. Something that makes me happy, that remind me of what I have to look forward to at the end of the day. And it makes things…easier. And sometimes, you just can't be brave. You have to take a break and let it all out, otherwise it'll be too much and you'll shatter yourself to the point of no return."
Nodding with her head bowed again, Chat Noir started as he actually heard his Ladybug laugh. Well, snort really, but same difference, right? "Mi'lady? Are you alright?"
Ladybug nodded again, looking up so her bluebell eyes were locked unto his green ones, glowing with an unreadable emotion that he couldn't decipher but a soft smile spreading across her face. "I was just thinking, hearing you give such great advice and wisdom reminded me…you're the reason why Ladybug even exists at all."
Chat gave a double take at that one, unbelief clear in his voice as he said, "What!?"
Ladybug snort transformed into a small giggle, the sound similar to the twinkling of bells, "Well, believe it or not, I actually wanted to quit. After the mistake with Stoneheart,…I just felt like I wasn't cut out to be a superhero. I mean, with my luck, I'd just figured I'd do more harm than help." She said, scratching the back of her head and laughing at her own expense.
Adrien took a moment to think about that. Now that he thought about it, the first time they met, she had been very negative about herself. Saying how she was clumsy, insistent she would ruin everything and very hesitant to fight. Then, with their second battle with Stoneheart and after saving Chloé life, she had been so insecure, blaming herself and so sure she wasn't meant for her role as a hero. Looking back, it made her whole sudden revelation here…make a lot more sense. But…
"Hang on, you said I helped you exist. So how exactly did I…" He broke off, left breathless as Ladybug turned her eyes back to him. Her eyes were so…warm, looking at him with open affection and gratitude. He had seen hints of that from time to time, especially when he had done something reckless for her or gotten hurt, but had never been exposed to that look so obviously.
"Well," she said, gently entwining her fingers together. ", there was a certain cat boy there. We had just started as partners and he had saw how distressed I was. And he…comforted me. Despite how I messed up, he had complete faith in me, in us. He believed that I was meant to be Ladybug, that I could be the hero that Paris needed. Since then, he has been my very best friend. So loyal and sensitive, making puns that are so terrible they make me groan…and I knew being Ladybug would be okay, because I would always have someone who would never leave me to fight alone, no matter what happens. He would always be there for me and I would always be there for him, because we're a team. Forever watching each other's backs and always there to pick me up whenever I doubt myself." She said, sighing as she turned her head up to gaze at the stats, eyes twinkling like diamonds.
To say Chat Noir was blown away would be the understatement of the century. He had never realized that Ladybug put so much faith in him, that she relied on him so much. She had always seemed like a one-woman army, capable of handling most situations herself, especially in scenarios where he is under the control of the akuma. He never knew…never even considered…that maybe behind all the teasing and seriousness, she actually thought he was the better half of the two of them.
He sighed, taking the time to clear the overwhelming thoughts that were currently bouncing around in his head. "Wow, my lady, I'm…speechless. I…" He paused again, gathering his bearings. "You know I would say thank you for what you're saying, but you know that's not exactly true. I may have motivated you, but I sincerely believe you didn't just invent who you are as Ladybug. I really believe that you are the type of person who looks out for everyone, even the bad people. I mean, who I am is completely different from how I act as Chat Noir, but it's not a separate entity or something. It's just another side of me, and Ladybug is a part of you that you have with your civilian self but aren't ready to show yet. But before you can get to that place where you can, you can't keep convincing yourself that Ladybug is superior. It's all connected, you know?"
Ladybug gave a small nod, a bigger smile on her face as she accepted his talk. He sighed, and then continued nervously. "So, to recap, you're not like Volpina or Antibug, neither sides of you are inferior or superior and you should accept yourself so that you can eventually be comfortable revealing yourself. And when you are ready to show who you are…just know that no matter who you are, it won't change how I feel about you. I'll always care about you and be there for you."
They knelt beside each other for a few minutes, simply staring into one another's eyes. "Thank you, Chat Noir." His lady said quietly, carefully tilting his head up to rest her forehead to his. "Thank you." She whisper, her appreciation speaking volumes. It was a thank you for helping her, for being her partner, for accepting and caring for her.
A thank you for being…him.
He took a deep breath, contentment vibing from his very pores as he closed his eyes to soak in this wonderful moment with his ladybug. "You're welcome, milady."
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Sooo…what did you think? Was it a hit and a miss? Please review and tell me what you thought. PLEASE !