Crushed
By: Jen aka Banance
February, 2001
I stood, stupefied, just staring at Takeru's retreating form.
My jaw was on the ground. My eyes twin arrows, stabbing him in the
back as he walked away from me and my offending words.
That was cruel, that's all it was. Cruel. Under that sweet and caring
surface all that lays beyond is cruelty; empty hearted cruelty.
I had just poured my very soul out to him; my heart and soul! And what
does he do?! He turns his back! Is that how he treats his friends?!
I knew he wouldn't return my feelings, but to treat me as if I was
a bug?! A mere bug to be crushed under his foot like the rest of his problems.
That's not even what made it so bad. He actually told me that he hated
me! He hated me!
I loved him and he hated me! I could have ended my life right there.
My heart's broken, my soul is dead. I could die right now, jut be struck
down by a bolt of lightening and I would have been happy. I just wanted
to curl up and die.
Rejection always seems to hit me really hard. When Hikari turned me
down it didn't feel an eighth as bad as it does now. I think I realized
then, that it wasn't true love, but this was.
I turned my back to where Takeru had been standing. Finally I left
without a second thought.
I would curse this park for rest of my life.
*****
I lay in bed staring at the ceiling tiles; right now they seem much
more interesting than my life. They seemed much happier too.
I wish I could be a ceiling tile.
I don't know if I should ever forgive Takeru. He ripped my heart out
of my chest and stomped on it until it stopped beating; yet still my heart
runs red with blood. Can he not see that? How could he be so cruel?
I wish I could be a ceiling tile, although even they can be crushed.
Why must everything in this world be crushed? Am I to be destroyed
under the foot of society like all the others?
There must be more to me than that. There must be more to this world.
Well, wether or not I have you, Takeru, I will always be your, Daisuke.
I will never stop loving you, even if you hate me.
You may have crushed my heart, but you will never crush my love and
spirit.
I'll always love you, Takeru, always. I just wish you would let
me.
I feel tears wield up in my eyes and I wipe them away.
The strong don't cry and I'm strong. I just wish that would make you
proud.
Despite my efforts the tears won't stop. They're for you, Takeru. I
just wish I wasn't crushed.
I wish I was a ceiling tile. They can't love, and they can't feel these
thousands of emotions flowing though my body…. I wish I didn't love you.
I'm sorry, but no matter what I say I'll still love you. You'll just
have to live with that. Maybe one day you'll be just as crushed as me and
you'll understand, but until that day I will wait, wishing while staring
at the crushed ceiling tiles.
~ END ~