Not A Word, an er fanfic

Not A Word

Disclaimer:

All characters in this story have no existence outside of the producer of ER's imagination and are not mine.

Getting over him. I'm really trying to. Really, I am. After he left the second time, without so much as looking at me, I thought I could. But it's been harder than it had looked, those four weeks ago. At work I act like I'm fine, putting on my happy face so to speak. Hiding the truth. Which simply is that I love that man, and he'll never know.

I don't stop breathing every time the phone rings

My heart don't race when someones at my door

I've almost given up thinkin' your ever gonna call

I don't believe in magic anymore

I don't believe he will come back. Especially after that letter. That letter, destroyed me, at the time. But I'm past that. Moving on. That's what Susan wants me to do. Move on. With my life, with my job; I've back to med school. I guess that was an indirect consquence of his sudden departure from my life; the second time. Sometimes I wonder if it was me. Even though he explained it was him, all him, not me. Bullshit. My brother too, after what he did at the funeral. That made me so angry, but not for him or me, but for him. It just made matters worse. The downhill spiral after that still hasn't ended yet. But as I take a deep breath, I'm moving on.

I just don't lie awake at night

Asking God would get you off my mind

It's getting better all the time

Believe or not, I'm not waiting for him anymore. Not anymore, he's too gone. Too far away. He belongs there, its his place, although I had always dreamt that he'd find his place, but I was always in it. Not now. I understand, sorta, I want to better. If he had just talked to me, instead of walking away, the one person I could count on, strode in the other direction, away from my heart even though it was screaming for him. Wishing to understand. Taking a deep breath, I calm myself down.

Yeah, I got to work on time again this morning

This old job is all that I got to live

And no one even noticed I'd been crying

At least I don't have whisky on my breath

Yeah, I think I'm gonna make it

'Cause God won't make a mountain I can't climb

It's getting better all the time

Its time to walk away, away from this building; home. Once his apartment had been home. Not now, not ever again. Its okay, I guess it was never meant to be, you and I. Why couldn't we make it work? What did we do wrong? What did I do wrong? I cared you know. I never told you, but I did. I didn't want to go to my brother, but I had to. I might of lost him again. Not realizing I lost you in the process. Someday I hope you can forgive me. Because I have forgiven you for leaving. Now its your turn.

God, I hope your happy

Boy, I wish you well

I just might get over you

You can never tell

I always thought that I'd do something crazy

If ever saw you out with someone else

But when the moment came last night

I couldn't say a word, I stood there in the dark all by myself

I told you that I'm not waiting for you, but in a way I am. I'm waiting for two things; your forgivness, and our friendship. I'd like that back. We used to be able to sit with hot coffee, warming our hands up from the bitter cold of Chicago, and just talk. About anything. What happened to that? What happened to us? I'm still trying to understand. It can wait though, wait until the day you walk back into my life. I just hope not anytime soon, I don't think I'd be in control of my actions. I hope I can walk back into yours.

Yeah, I could of said a million things

All I did was keep it locked inside

It's getting better all the time

There were many things I still wish I had said, but what's done is done. Fate just isn't what it's said to be is it? Susan always said fate brought us together. And fate tore us apart, or was that our doing? It doesn't matter anymore. Nothing seems to. Now, watching the wind blow by . . . not saying a word . . . it's getting better all the time . . .

Was that okay? Please review, and I accept flamers (don't be too harsh) because this deserves them . . .