Summary: James and Sirius aren't the only ones trying to figure out why Remus is leaving school once a month. Peter has his own theories. Unfortunately, this is Peter we're talking about.
Rated: T for stuff
Disclaimer: "I CAN SEE RUSSIA FROM HERE!"
It was Christmas morning at Hogwarts, and a very fine one, since only four students remained for the holidays. James, Sirius, Remus and Peter had the entire school to themselves and even Filch was too drunk off fire whiskey to give them a lick of trouble. James and Sirius went to breakfast early, leaving Remus with Peter. Or so they thought.
"Guys, I've figured it out!" The little lump of a boy staggered to the high table where one long table stood, all the Hogwarts teachers on one side a few inches away from the boys. Sirius took a bite of pie and chewed slowly before answering Peter.
"Since when do you figure anything out?"
"Since right now! I've been mulling it over about, you know, the Remus thing-"
"Oo, you've been mulling over Remus' thing?" James choked on his pumpkin juice as Peter turned bright red.
"'Course not, why would I- but anyways, this brings us to my discovery!"
"About his thing?" James chimed in. Peter threw a piece of bacon at him, but his aim was as bad as his marks were; the bacon sailed across the table and smacked a startled McGonagall in the face. She turned, red-faced, and Peter cowered below the bench.
"So, what have you discovered?" James inquired, as Dumbledore got McGonagall's attention and Peter was free once more to come out of hiding.
"Well, you know, he's always absent once a month-"
"We know," Sirius nodded. "We have our own theories." This made Peter uneasy. Unless his idea was the same as theirs (which was unlikely), he probably came to the wrong conclusion. But he stood his ground this time. I know I'm right. They're wrong. End of story.
"Well, I'm thinking...Remus is Gay!"
James looked at his friend with a shocked expression, as if he never fully understood the impact of his lack of intelligence until now.
"He's...what?"
"Gay! That's why he doesn't want us to know where he goes every month!" Peter looked around the table proudly and pretended he hadn't seen McGonagall hiding her laughter. James still looked startled. Sirius, on the other hand, was quickly losing the battle of trying not to tease his dim-witted but dear friend.
"I'm sure a bright boy like yourself has come up with an explanation as to why he needs to leave school for that," Sirius inquired, prepared to be entertained.
"What- Yes, yes of course I have! You see, Remus is the type of insecure guy who would never want his friends to know anything that he feels may turn them against him, so he has to leave school to do...um..."
And Sirius lost his epic battle of will at precisely that moment. A sharp bark of laughter exploded into the hall, bouncing off the walls back at the inhabitants. McGonagall felt no shame in joining in, since he was laughing at the boy who just threw bacon at her face. Even Dumbledore found it hard to be polite at moments like this.
"Bloody hell, what do you think, Remus runs off once a month for a gay orgy?" Now every person at the table was rolling in laughter and Peter blushed fiercely.
"Who's running off for a gay orgy?" a musical voice asked from behind Sirius. All the teachers stopped laughing, but Sirius was shameless as ever.
"You, apparently."
"Mm, sounds like fun." Remus took a seat next to Peter, who blushed even harder.
"Yes," James cut in, "Peter was just telling us that he thinks you run off once a month to satisfy your homosexual libido." Remus' eyebrows shot up immediately.
"Why can't I do it at school? I mean, really, have you seen the legs on Severus Snape?" Peter gagged on a chicken drumstick and James slammed him on the back, a little too forcefully.
"S-severus? Remus, I fully support your...'homosexual lifestyle', but do you think you could, maybe, well-"
"I'm not gay, Peter." Remus rolled his eyes like it should have been perfectly obvious.
"Don't blame him for getting the wrong idea. Though Peter was completely off, you've got to admit it, you do come off as being a bit fruitilicious sometimes." Sirius said, grinning at the smaller boy.
"You just said fruitilicious. Now who's gay?" Remus grinned back.
"Oh, you're both gay! On with the next subject. Remus, Sirius and I have come up with our own theory about your monthly ventures."
"I sincerely hope it's as colorful as Peter's," Remus stated with a giant smirk, to the embarrassment of the boy sitting next to him.
"Not at all, but it is more exciting."
Remus had little faith in them guessing right, since they had been guessing for two years now. But James and Sirius were wearing identical masks of evil.
"I need your help with my paper for History of Magic." Sirius stated, grinning wider at the look of confusion on his face.
"The one where we have to write about a magical creature we met? What for?"
"Because I'm writing about werewolves." The entire table became silent (further evidence that kids aren't the only people who eavesdrop) and the teachers watched Remus with uncertainty. The long silence was finally broken by Peter.
"On gay werewolves?"
"OHMYGOD PETER, YOU'RE HOPELESS!" Remus cried, but he was now laughing so hard that tears filled his golden-brown eyes. With one last bite of bacon he pulled his book bag strap over his shoulder (because only Remus would carry school books around on Holidays) and tugged at Sirius' arm.
"Come on, let's get that paper done, shall we?" The two of them walked off holding hands, as they usually did.
"I still think he's gay," Peter said stubbornly. James rolled his eyes.
"You really are hopeless."
later that day
"Remus, Sirius, do you want to play Qui-what the hell!" James nearly tripped at the sight of his two best friends snogging in the boys dorm.
"So, you're really-?"
"Do me a favor," Remus said with an evil grin. "Don't tell Peter."