This Woman's Work
Hello all. This is my very first fanfic. I was inspired by an episode of Without a Trace that I saw a few years ago about a woman who battled mental illness (it was a very touching story, I believe the episode is called All the Sinners, Saints) and the song This Woman's Work was used. This story takes place after S20 (which I believe is a bit of a mess and I have a few other fic ideas that deviate from the S3 storyline) with a few changes. Felicity is a very strong character and I was toying with the idea of someone who has been abandoned and hurt reaching her tipping point. Mental illness is a serious matter and is incredibly unpredictable. Some of you might find this disturbing so you have been warned. I originally planned this as a one-shot but I am now rethinking that decision and might just flesh this out a bit more as I realized it's a bit heavy. Also, I don't have a beta reader, so any comments or suggestions are welcome (but let's please keep it civil :)). Also, Chapter 1 contains a brilliant line from a John Cleese movie. See if you can catch it :)
Chapter 1
Loss is a constant in Felicity Smoak's life. It started with the loss of her father, then Cooper Seldon, followed by her innocence, and most recently, the love of her life, Oliver Queen. Each loss, which seemed to be more devastating than the last, keeps chipping away at her. She contemplates pain thresholds. Each person has a different threshold. She wonders about hers. How much more can she take? How hollow can she feel before she burns out? Does she burn out or fade away?
It has been a week since she and Oliver shared a beautiful but tearful goodbye. Oliver - her selfless love who needs to be reminded that there are people who love him, is gone and not coming back. How does one respond to that? Something akin to the loss felt after a horrible breakup and one of a loved one's death. Their relationship was never straightforward. A relationship that never came to fruition, nor saw the light of day. No matter how complicated their relationship was (if you can even define it as one), no one can deny their love for each other. Try as they might - with Oliver refusing to be with someone he cares about and Felicity not allowing herself to be abandoned yet again. She will hold on to their last night together in Nanda Parbat. It was full of passion, love, and pain, but if that was the only time that fate will allow her to have Oliver, then she'll take it and treasure it. She still holds out hope, probably foolishly, because they never said goodbye. Hope that he will come back and hope that they will finally be together and create a happy story. It's the hope, that is eating at her heart and soul. It's not the despair, it's the hope she can't stand.
Felicity reminds herself that she doesn't have the luxury to fall apart (again). Felicity's breakdown at Laurel's office was one and done. No more (at least in public). She has a team to look after - Dig, who already lost a brother in Andy and has his own family care for, Thea, who lost her family while dealing with Merlyn and the after-effects of the Pit, and Laurel is still reeling from the loss of her own sister and her father's anger. She also makes a mental note to keep tabs on Roy. Felicity may feel hollow and empty but that doesn't mean she can't help. She fixes things. That's what she does. She ignores the pain for now. She finds a purpose in helping her team and Starling City. She figures that one day, it'll get easier. It's worked before with her Dad and Cooper. In Felicity's heart of hearts, she knows it won't get easier. The human body constantly repairs itself. Maybe one day, her heart will too. In the back of her mind, she knows it won't. Oliver is it for her.
She can't deny that the presence of Diggle, Thea, and Laurel constantly remind her of Oliver. But it helps. She allows herself a piece of him and her life with him through her friends. She allows them to see a sliver of pain she feels, but not the entire devastation. There's no denying the pain. It'll just be worse if she acts like everything is vibrant and great. She's smart enough to know that if she reacts like a normal person would, there won't be any further pushing or prodding. There are issues to be resolved and problems to be faced. Her broken heart can wait for a bit. Only she can deal with that. But how much more can it take?