I never know what to say.
It's times like these, when my heart tangles and chokes within my chest, that my tongue glues itself to the roof of my mouth.
I should say something.
He shifts next to me, not saying anything. The silence is not awkward nor uncomfortable. It is soft and malleable, but delicate enough that even a slight whimper can harm it.
I don't say anything.
The waves crash and roar softly in the distance. The breeze gets caught in my hair, and playfully pulls my strands back and forth. I think I hear him sigh and I whip around to study his face. That was a mistake.
He's not looking at me, he's staring far off into the distance, but concentrating hard on whatever he has locked onto. I sweep his features with a few glances, the prominent cheekbones, light hair, and sharp eyes translate from my eyes into my head and that's when I know I shouldn't have looked at him. Too late now.
Maybe I should say something.
This thought just makes me angry, at him, at myself, at the entire situation. I am both excited and confused. Happy and disappointed. I can't stand myself right now. I wasn't the one who started all of this anyway, so why should I say anything?
I become sad and scared because I realize that he hasn't said anything either. And we've been sitting here for a long time.
He shifts again, and I wonder if he's uncomfortable. I use the next few minutes to gather the courage to ask if he wants to head home. The sun is going down. It's starting to get slightly colder.
He turns to me and speaks.
"You could always say no."
I'm surprised his words don't make me jump, they were wholly unexpected, but when he talks I always listen. He is a very quiet person and his voice can be harsh if he wants it to, but it's never been loud or jarring. I like hearing his voice, it's soothing and relaxes me.
I think about what he said.
"I can't do that."
He huffs and returns to his far away target, "You act like I'm going to shun you if you give me any other answer besides yes."
"No."
"Yes. Look, I won't be mad," he turns back to me, we make eye contact, "I swear. All I want is one thing."
It's my turn to look away now, I should already know what he wants, but I ask anyway, "What?"
He says it so quietly I have to strain a little to hear him, but it was loud enough, and the two words that fell from his mouth were soft and gentle but I could tell how much emotion accompanied them.
"The truth."
I look at his arm nearest to me, full of strong hard muscle. He is so strong, I almost forgot that he could be vulnerable. Somewhere deep inside me, I feel smug, because I know that he is only vulnerable around me. I should be ashamed of myself.
I should also say something.
I sigh instead, hop down from our perch. I don't go any further than where I landed though.
I hear seagulls in the distance, the waves still quietly roaring. When I look up at him, I see in the set of his face and posture what he thinks my decision is. Maybe he thinks that walking away is equivalent to a rejection. Technically, it is, but that was not my intention.
He won't look at me at all, that distant target still holding him captive. While I have the chance I take a really good look at him. He has filled out nicely, and we can hardly be considered full grown adults. I keep going back to his muscles, how defined his chest, arms, and thighs are. He never once looks down at me.
I decide that enough is enough, I need to end this torture and drama for the both of us. He opened this can of worms, now I will close it.
"Hey."
He looks at me, but takes his time doing it.
"Would you ask that same question five years from now?"
He seems confused by my question, but recovers quickly,"Yeah, this isn't something I just suddenly thought of," he looks away, "I actually never thought I would tell you."
I nod and then ask, "How about in ten years?"
His answer lacks any hesitation, "Yes."
"How about ten years ago?"
He falters but gives me another answer, "I don't think so, not because I didn't feel this way, but because I didn't want to scare you off."
I laugh at that, because it's funny, I remember all of the bad things we did as kids, separately and together. I doubt that a confession would have been enough to scare me away. Confuse me? Absolutely. But I never started thinking about these things until the past year or two. I look up at him again. And here he was holding in emotions for ten years.
Maybe even more.
That stops now.
"You have always been my friend. My absolute best friend. This will forever be the truth."
I know he hears my words, but I see his eyes flash and blank, he's no longer looking at me, but through me. He's putting on a mask right before my eyes. I then realize that I have just witnessed hope die on his face as well. I keep going anyway.
"It won't be easy, these things never are. Then again, I'm hardly experienced. But I know one thing for sure, I will always want you by my side. Us being best friends should never change."
Now to give him my truth.
"But I'm willing to change that status if you'll have me."
I've never seen his eyes so bright. I can't tell if he's happy, excited, relieved or what. As soon as the last word leaves my mouth, he jumps down in front of me and begins to reach for me.
I step back.
"I'm scared."
He stops, arms still outstretched. His eyes dim a little. I continue.
"I'm scared that we won't work and then we will have nothing. I won't have you. But I want you to be there, with me for the rest of my life, but I am so, so scared."
He sighs and his shoulders droop, preparing his self for rejection again, "I can't promise what will happen in the future, but one thing I have never felt so sure about in my entire life is this." He waves his hands in between us, "You have always been my goal, if you want to say no, you can say no, if you want to wait five, ten, twenty years in the future, I'll wait. I know what I want, and if I get it, I will make sure to never let it go."
He swallows hard and I track the movement with my eyes.
My voice is low, "You think we can do this?"
He tries to cover up how eager he is, but I can tell anyway, "Yes."
"Really? I've always wanted to be part of a power couple."
He chuckles, "We can be whatever you want us to be, but if we're gonna be a power couple, you need to pick up the slack. If you fail algebra this year I'll drop you faster than a rock."
I grimace and shove his shoulder, "Just shut up, you're supposed to help me out remember?"
He laughs a little more, "Just ask and you shall receive."
I roll my eyes and shuffle my feet in the sand. I'm afraid to look into his eyes.
I know that this is a major turning point in my life. Everything will change so much after this, not only do I feel it, I just know it.
He hasn't moved any closer to me but I feel crowded and hot even with the dropping temperature. I feel like I will soon overheat.
He's reached his limit too.
"Look at me." I look up and we lock eyes. It feels like it's the first time I've ever seen him before. Everything feels unreal.
He still hasn't moved, "Is this a yes? Is that what you're telling me?"
I was wrong before, this is the turning point. I can turn around and tear down the beach right now, and never give him an answer. I could tell him no and crush his life right now.
Instead I stare into his eyes and tell him the truth.
I'm pretty sure he was pleased with my answer. He reaches out with one hand and grabs my elbow. He tugs me to him and erases the distance between us. I feel his warm strong arms wrap around me and he hugs me tight. I am hesitant as I reach around his sides and slide my hands all over his back.
It feels great, he tucks his face into the side of my neck. His breath tickles my ear and I know that this change is complete. There is no going back now.
I feel him breathe me in, his words tickle my ear, slips through my body, and travels to my heart like a direct arrow, "Thank you."
I don't say anything.
I don't have to.