My first time actually uploading a fanfic, hope you guys enjoy it.

Warning: Contains self harm and mentions of abuse.

I don't own glee or any of its characters, I just like to control them, lol. Any other characters are my own.

"Were Kind of friends aren't we?"

"Kind of"

The conversation echoed through Quinn's head every day.

Quinn had told her Kind of, because as she sat in her room a week later she was still wishing that they were more. Around the beginning of her road to crazy town, Quinn had realized that the feelings she had for Rachel, that had caused her to sleep with Puck in the first place, were now even stronger than ever and she had to find a way to get rid of them. So she had decided that if she could get Puck back and reunite her family then she could be normal, just like she was supposed to be. But of course that all back fired and she was secretly happy that Puck would not sleep with her, but it still hurt how little he cared for her now, and how he had told her he didn't care about her anymore.

That was a month ago since she decided to try being friends with Rachel instead of enemies, in the hope that at least this way, she had something with her, because she knew that they could never be together.

How Quinn hated herself, she had tried so hard to fix this disease she carried, but to no avail. Every night she would pray to God to fix her, but no matter how hard she prayed these feelings would not go away. She thought her depression could not get any worse, but having to pretend like she was okay and that her crazy had just disappeared, was just hurting her more. But not as much as seeing Rachel every day. They started to hang out, and when it was just the two of them everything was amazing Rachel was adorable and she loved making the brunette laugh instead of cry. But then there were the times when they were not alone.

Finn, how she wanted to hate him, he was so dumb sometimes, but he did love Rachel and she couldn't hate someone who loved her. But whenever she had to see them together it hurt her so much, especially since she knew how much better she would treat Rachel. She would do anything for her. And Finn could not even remember that Rachel was a Vegan, she felt bad thinking these things, because in spite all of the things he does, Finn has been really nice to her since she started hanging out with Rachel. They were so much better as friends, to bad she wanted to castrate him every time he did something stupid, like buy his girlfriend a pig for Christmas, a pig! Their affection only got more intense during the holidays and now with Valentine 's Day coming up in a few months Quinn felt even more heart broken.

Now it had become too much, Finn had found a way to get himself to new York to be with Rachel, and even though Quinn had gotten a internship at a publishing house down there and Rachel and her were supposed to be roommates, she was not sure if she could handle having to be in the next room when he was over.

" Ew, I think I might throw up if they don't stop doing that, its looks like he's trying consume her face."

Quinn turned to were Santana was looking in the hallway at Finn and Rachel, and then quickly looked away not being able to watch.

"Come on lets go." Quinn grabbed her oldest and best friend by the arm and maneuvered them down the hallway. As they headed to Santana's car Quinn was disturbingly quiet and the look on her face was starting to scare Santana.

"Q, are you okay?"

"Yeah im fine San". But the truth was that Quinn was not okay, in that moment she had finally made a decision, it hurt too much seeing the people around her so happy and loved while she had no one and she never would. She glanced over at Santana, now sitting in the driver's seat, looking at her concerned.

"Really, just getting a head ach I think" when Santana finally started the car and started driving she took the time to study her friend for a moment. They had gone through some rough times, but in the end Santana was always there for her and Quinn always had her back. She was starting to feel bad for what she was about to do to her and to Brittany, and hoped that they would be okay. She knew that they would have each other to help get them through, and that Rachel, would have Finn. She had been so lost in her thoughts that she did not realize that Santana had pulled up in front of her house and was looking at her expectantly.

"Are you positive your okay Q?" Her best friend suddenly breaking the silence had startled her. Leaning over the consol she grabbed the Latina in a fierce hug and muttered, "I will be".

"What does that mean? Santana asked, into the unexpected hug, returning it firmly, she could not shake that fact that something was not right.

"It means stop worrying about me S, I'm fine and I'll see you tonight for movie night. Seven as usual, my mom is going out at six." Reluctantly Santana let her go and leave the car, but there was something nagging at her mind telling her to go back as she drove away.

Once inside her house Quinn went to the living room and cuddled up in the couch close to her mother. Their relationship had strengthened over the year since Judy had kicked Russell out. Now she was dating, none other than Rob pierce, Brittany's father. It was weird at first, but they made each other happy, and Brittany loved having a mother figure after Ms. Peirce had passed away from cancer ten years ago. She was happy for them and they all almost seemed like a little happy family, but she was ruining it, she could tell that her mother was hesitant to take the next step with Rob, for fear that it would make Quinn feel replaced. She did not want to burden her mother any longer. After watching TV together before Judy had to leave Quinn stopped her mother at the door and held her tight, trying to keep the tears in her eyes from showing.

"I love you mom, and I want you to be happy, no matter what, okay?"

"I love you to, Quinne." Her mother replied shocked at the amount of emotion her normally closed off daughter was showing. "No matter what."

After that Judy left the house for her date, not quite able to shake the feeling that something was wrong.

Once she was sure her mother was gone, Quinn walked into the kitchen and pulled out the blender. She opened up the medicine cabinet, and took down every single bottle that was within. Removing each cap she dumped all of the pills into the blender and then went over to the fridge to grab the keys off the top. Walking into her father's old study she avoided looking at anything other than the liquor cabinet in the corner. As she unlocked it she noticed that her hands had started to shake. Finally getting the key in the hole she opened it and removed a full bottle of tequila. Back in the kitchen she filled the rest of the blender with the alcohol and some ice before blending it into a smoothie like substance. She grabbed hold of the pitcher and went up stairs to her closet and pulled out a voice recorder. Walking to her room she grabbed plastic sheeting from the bathroom and laid it on the floor by her bed, and then walked to her night stand and pulled out a small container placing it on top of the plastic. She grimaced as she took a large pull from the bottle in her hand, to give her some courage before hitting record.

"HI, if you're hearing this it means that I have been successful in …. It means iv been successful. There are a few people I want to hear this tape, they include, Santana, my mom, Rob, Puck, Shelby, Finn, Mike and R-rachel. Please pause this tape and find a place where you can all be present…"

"I did this because I hate myself and you are all better off without me."

"I-I-Im going to start with Santana," She took a deep breath before having the first sip of her death concoction, It tasted fowl. "Ug, okay, so listen San, you are my best friend and I love you, You have always had my back and I know you felt like it was your job to protect me and Britt, so right now you're probably blaming yourself for this. But don't, there was nothing that you could have done. But I want you to do something for me now. I want you to be happy; I want you to Marry Brittany and get the hell out of Lima, for me. Have babies, and live your life, because you have everything you ever wanted, an accepting family and the girl you love loves you back. You have everything that I have ever wanted. But before you leave I also want you to watch over Rachel, She needs someone to make sure know one bothers her at school now that won't be there to protect her anymore. I love you San and I want you to tell Brittany that I love her as well, I don't want her to hear this tape because I know it will make her sad, and I don't need you finding some way to bring me back to life just so you can kick my ass for making your girl sad". Quinn smiled at the thought, but that smile soon turned into a grimace as she drank more from her pitcher.

"Mom, I want you to know that you can be happy now because I won't be here to hold you back and disappoint you and longer. You can be with Rob and do with Brittany the things that you were never able to accomplish with me. And Rob, you better treat her well, or I will come back and haunt you!" Quinn started to giggle as the tequila started to take affect and the pills were making her feel a little fuzzy.

"Finn, listen, I am sorry for everything I did, and the lies I told, and I forgive you for everything that happened last year with Sam. Oh by the way tell Sam Im sorry for me and that I love him and never wanted to hurt him, "Quinn gives out a small chuckle" it seems to be what im good at, hurting people. The funny thing Finn I think that under different circumstances we could have been really good friends, If I was more patient and you ... I just want to ask you one thing, please be good to her, take care of Rachel and treat her the way she deserves. I know sometimes you don't realize that the things you do hurt and are sort of conceited but please try for her, Im so sorry. "

"Puck, Shelby, Im sorry for everything, I understand why you don't care about be anymore Puck, I really do, the reasons I ever pursued you were wrong and unfair to you. Shelby, could you please let Beth know that I loved her so much, and none of this is her fault", Now Quinn was sobbing uncontrollably as she continued to drink, her stomach starting to feel funny and her head had started up a dull throbbing. "I only want what was best for her".

"Mike, im so sorry that I pushed you away, I hope one day you can forgive me for all of the horrible things I said to you. I am so glad your with Tina I don't think I have ever seen you happier. I hope you follow your dreams Mikey, you and Brittany are going to amaze the world with your dancing.

"R-Rachel baby, stop crying! I know that you are, but don't. You're too beautiful to cry. I know that like Santana you are probably also feeling guilty, but stop it. You don't need to look after me anymore because you feel bad for me. The true reason why I have done this is- is- that, I-I-Im –G-gay. I tried to change it and be normal, when I slept with Puck last year I thought I would be fixed, but all that got me was pregnant. But with that my feelings had been easier to ignore, so this year when they came back full force I thought that to get rid of them for good I needed Beth back, I was selfish and I hurt a lot of people, but I did not know what else to do. I prayed every night for God to come and take this Sin away, but nothing would work. And now I am going to tell you why I tormented you for all these years, maybe you can finally have some piece of mind with the truth. I – "Quinn took a deep breath" I –Im in love with you Rachel, I have been ever since you walked into school freshmen year in your cute argyle clothing, with your adorable rants and amazing singing. I was terrified "Quinn let out a spiteful chuckle" You were making me feel things that I had been taught was so very wrong. So I distanced myself from you, I tore you down and de-feminized you, with horrible names, I wanted to blame you. And it was my way of coping, but seeing the looks on your face, all the hurt I was causing you became too much, and I could not do it anymore. So I decided that maybe if we could at least be friends, but being near you but not being able to hold you hurt even more. Im getting really tired now Rach, so I need to finish this before I pass out, I just want you to always remember how much I love you, and just know that even if I have to claw my way out of hell, I will be their watching over you, so proud when you make your first Broadway debut. Goodbye my Star, Im going to leave this earth with your voice being the last thing I hear, it's my favorite sound."

Quinn clicked off the recorder and placed it on her bed, pulling out her phone she sent a quick text to Santana,

To: San

Don't let Brittany or Rachel in my room, Im sorry you have to see this."

From: Quinn

Going to her desk her hits the play button.

She walked over to the plastic sheeting and sat down carefully in the middle of it, quickly finishing off her death concoction she grabbed the small case and opened it, revealing some sharp razors, if she was going to do this, she wanted to make sure she did it right, wanting to at least go to hell on her own terms. Making sure not to spill on the carpet because she did not want to have to burden her mother with it as a reminder, she sliced the blade from her elbow down and watched as the blood started flowing. Before she could do the same to her other arm a blinding pain ripped through her abdomen and she dropped the blade, in order to fight against her body that was trying to expel the poison from her system. Swallowing hard, her pounding head started to dull and everything became fuzzy. Her body slumped down onto the floor and just as her world was starting to go black, she hard a scream of complete fear and agony echo through her slipping conscious.

Hope you like the adjustments. : )

Secretly:

The Confused Ninja Elf.