DISCLAIMER: Guiding Light and its characters are the property of Procter & Gamble; no copyright infringement is intended.
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And if we lose our way,
We'll find each other.
I reach out and touch you,
And all my fear is gone.
(From the former Guiding Light theme, "Hold On to Love.")
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Saturday night/Sunday morning.
Reva came suddenly awake.
For, what is it, the fourth time?
She lay very still in the dark bedroom. Allowed only one part of her body to move.
Her lips...which curved up in a blissful smile.
Yes, Jeffrey was all right. After a nightmarish year in which she'd believed him dead, he was really here with her...
Their first few minutes in bed had been awkward. But once she understood that he still loved and desired her, but was too debilitated to "perform" sexually - and he understood that she was okay with that, loved him just as much, still saw him as her hero - they'd been able to relax, and they'd begun gently caressing each other. Intending it not as foreplay, but simply as a means of helping each other become even more relaxed. Getting super-comfortable together.
And it had turned out to be foreplay. When Jeffrey didn't feel any pressure to "perform," he'd surprised himself by being able to.
The sex, when it came, had been as great as ever.
Now his nude body was spooned up behind hers - both of them lying on their right sides, because he'd admitted he still had pain on the left side from his recent wounds. His left arm was draped loosely over her; the very casualness of that position delighted her. Even more delightful: her hair, still damp from the shower, stirred with his every breath.
She knew she kept waking because she was worried about him. Concerned for his health - afraid that after all he'd been through this past year, he might die in his sleep.
But each time she woke, he'd been sleeping as peacefully as he was now. Lying still; taking easy, regular breaths. She had every reason to believe he was comfortable, getting a good night's rest.
As I should!
Still smiling, she closed her eyes, and snuggled ever-so-slightly closer to him. Pleasant dreams, my love...
Sure she'd have pleasant dreams of her own, she sank back into sleep.
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When she woke again, it was broad daylight.
She was alone.
She sat up in bed and looked around, confused.
Wh-where's Jeffrey?
Jeffrey? Where is he?
And all at once, she snapped.
Oh my God, he was never here! All those things I thought happened, they never did. Jeffrey is dead. And I've finally lost my mind lost my mind lost my mind LOST MY MIND!
She was too far gone to remember Colin. She began shrieking, at the top of her lungs. Not even getting out a recognizable word like "Help!" - just mindless, ear-splitting shrieks.
But then, uncomprehending, she heard other cries. A horrified male yell, and a baby's wails.
A moment later someone's arms were around her, and a scared voice - a very familiar voice - was asking, "Reva, what's wrong? What happened? Are you hurt somehow?"
"Ohh..." She began rocking compulsively. "Oh my God...Jeffrey? Are you really here?"
"Really here? Of course I am..." His voice trailed off. After a beat, he moaned, and said miserably, "Oh God. What have I done?"
Now she was taking sobbing, gasping breaths. And it was Jeffrey who was rocking her, holding her tight.
She clutched him in turn - marveling at the solidity, the blessedly living warmth, of his still-naked body.
After a few minutes, she swallowed hard, and made herself say, "I-I woke up alone. And I th-thought you'd never been here." Her voice rose up the scale as she wailed, "I thought I was losing my mind..."
"It's okay, it's okay," he told her. "Just take deep breaths, try to calm down. You'll be all right. I'm so sorry I scared you! I'm the one needs to have my head examined!"
She gave a semi-hysterical giggle at that.
And realized she'd been pawing him so desperately, the poor man would surely be black-and-blue.
Feeling more herself every minute, she saw how unreasoning her panic had been. If she'd just looked at the bed, she would have seen unmistakable signs that another person had shared it with her. And the scent of his maleness, the scent of their sweaty lovemaking, had lingered.
"Wh-where were you?" she asked. But before he could answer, she heard Colin crying - as he'd doubtless been doing all along. And she knew.
"I woke up when I heard Colin," Jeffrey explained. "Went to change his diaper. I was so proud of myself, because I knew right off it was his dirty-diaper cry and not one of his other cries! But I shouldn't have left you alone."
"You didn't do anything wrong! But oh God, Colin - I must have scared both of you half out of your wits!" Now she was struggling to free herself from Jeffrey's embrace, and get out of bed. "Is Colin all right?"
"Don't worry!" He held her tight, planted a firm kiss on her forehead. "I didn't drop him, or stick him with a pin or anything. I put him back in his crib, so he can't possibly get hurt.
"But he will be sort of uncomfortable till I get back to him. I'd just started cleaning him up."
"Oh, my poor baby! I don't understand. I always wake up when he cries..." And then, suddenly, she saw the explanation. "Ohhh...I didn't sleep soundly last night. I woke up something like four times because I was worried about you. So I was sleeping like a log this morning, when Colin needed me!"
"When he needed one or the other of us," Jeffrey corrected her gently.
She was crying, but she smiled through her tears. "I'm sure he needs to see both of us now."
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Fifteen minutes later, Colin was clean and content - for the moment. Reva and Jeffrey were slightly more "dressed."
But they were still sitting on the edge of their unmade bed, fondling each other.
After a good night's sleep, Jeffrey looked more haggard than he had the day before. And I'm to blame, Reva thought wretchedly. My God - my screaming like that could have given him a heart attack or stroke!
"I think we should make a pact," he told her now. "For the foreseeable future - till we're both sure we don't need it - neither of us will leave the other alone in a room, asleep, for any reason."
"Neither of us?" She knew he was just trying to be kind. "You wouldn't be scared if you woke up alone!"
But he looked into her eyes, very seriously. "I'm not so sure of that. It was important to me, this morning, to see and feel you beside me.
"Consider this. Even when you thought you'd lost your mind, you at least knew where you were. Right?"
"Y-yes."
"If I woke up alone, after all the time I'd been traveling, I might have been so disoriented that I wouldn't recognize our bedroom. People might have heard my screams a mile away!"
In an earlier era, she realized, her own screams would have brought concerned neighbors - or police! - to their door. Thank God - under the circumstances - times have changed. Nowadays, screams heard at any hour tended to be dismissed as loud, violent TV programming. Neighbors who'd heard her wouldn't even have bothered to figure out which nearby house was the source of the cries.
She didn't believe, for a second, that Jeffrey would have screamed.
But the disorientation, the fear? That was possible.
Stroking his face, she said softly, "Maybe the only problem, for either of us, would have been this first morning."
"Maybe. But I'm not willing to take a chance on it. So will you agree to do what I suggested?"
She frowned. "Let me get this straight. If you've fallen asleep in the living room while we're watching TV, you want me to wake you up with the exciting news that I'm going to the bathroom?"
"Of course," he said earnestly. "How else could I ask you to bring me a beer on your way back?"
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At breakfast, she knew he was still watching her every move. Still, lovingly, concerned for her.
So she wasn't surprised when he said, "Are you sure you want to go to that wedding today? You don't have to, you know!"
They'd discussed it the previous day, and agreed that he couldn't go with her to Rick and Mindy's wedding. Her "dead" husband's turning up alive would create a furor that would ruin the day for the bride and groom. And she herself wasn't really expected; she'd made her acceptance of the invitation conditional, without explaining why.
"Oh, I do still want to go!"
She'd blurted that out without thinking; then she paused to consider the reasons.
"I want to see another couple starting their marriage, and imagine them being just as happy together, for just as long, as we'll be. Want to do it while I have this wonderful secret - knowing, like no one else can, the heights of happiness love can bring. Dizzying heights, when you find it again after you've thought all was lost!
"And...this may seem corny, but I'm glad for a reason to go to church today. I could give thanks to God anywhere, but doing it in church...feels right."
Jeffrey was smiling now. But he still said, "You're sure - so soon after what happened this morning - that you'll be okay when you're away from me?"
She looked past the smile. Saw his troubled eyes, his furrowed brow.
Damn it - sorry, God. I could kick myself for having caused him this much anxiety! I wish I could somehow make it up to him...
"I won't be alone," she reminded him. "I'll be with Jonathan, seeing Shayne and Marina." And yes, Josh. "All the people who know you're alive. There's no chance I'll lose touch with reality."
Then she grinned. "I really do have to go through with the plan. I can't have my children, Shayne and Jonathan, thinking you rode their mother so hard last night that today, she can't walk!"
Jeffrey started to laugh.
And broke up completely when she got to her feet, and headed for the bathroom - waddling like a duck.
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She really had needed the bathroom visit. By the time she got back, she'd thought of another possible problem.
"Will you be okay while I'm gone, sweetheart? Minding three kids - have you ever done that?"
He was still relaxed and smiling. "Yes I'll be okay, and no I've never done it. But I'm looking forward to it! I love them all - can't wait to see Henry and Sarah again."
After the adults got together the day before, Jonathan had told Reva the real reason he'd persuaded her to put all but one of her photos of Jeffrey away. (And to keep that one on the living-room mantel - a high mantel.) Sarah had gotten to know Jeffrey in North Carolina. And Jonathan had been afraid to bring her into the house with those photos there - he couldn't have explained his smart little girl's telling Reva the man in the photos was her "Grandpa"!
"I'll have a great time with the kids," Jeffrey assured her now. "I don't suppose you still have - uh, no. Of course you don't."
"Of course I don't still have what?"
"Ice cream in the freezer," he said, with a shrug. " 'Course you don't have it, when you were planning to leave town yesterday."
"Of course I do have it," she told him. "Going with Josh was a last-minute decision. I'd gotten all the normal groceries in, in case I decided not to go. Figured Shayne and Jonathan could split them, if need be.
"But you knew all that. So you weren't really thinking of ice cream. What were you thinking of?"
He didn't seem willing to meet her eyes.
"Jeffrey. If you're wondering...I've kept a lot of your things. You haven't seen them because they're, uh, stored in the basement."
Damn! "Stored in the basement" seems so cold.
She'd let well-meaning family convince her his belongings should be moved there, "just for a while," so she wouldn't have to endure the pain of seeing them every day.
He did look at her now, and asked cautiously, "Do you possibly still have...my guitar?"
Her heart melted.
"Yes, I have your guitar! The police seized all your things when they thought you'd killed John Doe, and they broke the guitar. But I had it repaired.
"And you won't have to go prowling in the basement to find it."
"I won't? Where is it?"
"Right now," she told him, "it's in the garage. Where Josh put the things I was taking with me yesterday. The important things, that I never would have parted with, even for a little while -"
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Before he swept her into his arms and silenced her with a kiss, she'd seen the light in his eyes.
I wanted to kick myself for having caused him so much anxiety. I wished I could somehow make it up to him...
It seems I have.
And she knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that when she walked into that church on Jonathan's arm, she'd be the happiest person there.
Happier than the bride and groom?
Yes. No contest.