Gundam Seed

After-Phase: Binary Star System

Sleep. It was a pleasure that had forsaken him of late. Emerald eyes closed, only to be lit by the fire and flames – scenes of battles past that still racked every sense as though he were sitting, right there, in the cockpit of Justice, or crouched behind cover under a hail of gunfire. Then he'd wake up, and of course it had all been a dream. The room was dark, and only the sound of light rain on the window, perhaps a faint breeze in the trees, his own heavy breathing, disturbed the otherwise total silence. Well, not total silence; not space silence, but still, silence. Space had never been a quiet place for Athrun, anyway.

He stood and dressed – something casual probably, not that he was paying particular attention.

"plenty of time to sleep when you're dead" he whispered to himself, bitterly, and regretted the words as soon as he'd uttered them. As if thoughts of Nicol, his father, his mother, hadn't plagued his mind enough of late. He shook his head. Best to keep moving, there was solace in movement. He grabbed a coat as he made for the door, vaguely recollecting the chill of a November night on Earth from his childhood days, all those years ago. Had it really been that long since he'd experienced Earth's late autumn? And was it right to refer to them as childhood days? He was still only seventeen, after all...but then, he had experience far beyond his years...focus, Athrun, focus.

He found himself blinking in the light as he opened the door, for it seemed that someone had left the hall light on. Well that was bound to do wonders for the energy bill, which had seen not inconsiderable rises as Orb went about its post-war recovery. It didn't matter personally, Athrun wasn't paying, nevertheless there was a sense of dereliction of duty to the nation that had provided them shelter for the past few weeks. There we go again; 'dereliction of duty' – he really was a military man...boy...lad...guy... rather grand shelter it was too, they had Cagalli to thank for that. Her social position certainly did have some considerable perks. Whether or not she truly appreciated or enjoyed them was another matter. Still, he could have done worse. He allowed himself the luxury of a small smile as that thought, and the somewhat frightening image of what he imagined Cagalli's reaction to be were she to hear such talk, flashed across his mind. Perhaps Kira's newfound fondness of goading her temper was already rubbing off on him. He smiled again; one of the smaller things he was still trying to get used to. There had been precious few moments for smiling or laughter over the past year or so...truth be told, that hadn't changed much. Perhaps it would take time, but for all the warmth he was finding in his relationship with the fiery blonde, and in rediscovering and rebuilding the bonds he and Kira had always shared, there was always...everything else. There was always history. There was the future, too, and that worried him. What would come next? What was there for him now the war seemed to be over; there were no orders, no commands, no objectives, no planets to save – what direction should he take? How long would peace last... Best not to think about it now, as he so often had to tell himself. He sighed. The smile hadn't lasted long.

He flicked the light out as he made his way down the corridor. One of the many benefits of having had money spent on your creation – very efficient eyesight. It took a couple of seconds to readjust to the comparative darkness, but soon, he could just about see again. The darkness was more comfortable in any case.

There were two doors on his way to the stairs. The first, to the room Cagalli had chosen, was slightly ajar, and Athrun couldn't help but put his head in, just to check...she was fine. Of course she was fine. Sleeping like a log, and how he envied her for that. Quite why she'd chosen to sleep in that room, as oppose to the somewhat grandiose room that had been set aside for her, he didn't know. Perhaps it was quite simply because her room was grandiose. Perhaps it was because she wanted to be nearer to the two people she could relate to, though of course, sharing his room was out of the question. That would not be...proper. There was an appeal there as much to his own sense of dignity as there was to the demands and expectations of Cagalli's position in society. And so, she had the room between his and Kira's. Was there something there too, perhaps? The strange nature of their relationship had certainly come as a shock, and had come at the wrong time to really be dealt with properly; a battle to be fought, on top of the natural desire to shy away from confronting such a potentially complicated and impacting revelation head on. Athrun still had a hard time picturing them as brother and sister, truth be told, though as he learnt more about Cagalli, he could see some resemblance to elements of Kira's own personality. Perhaps his own difficulty at coming to terms with it was because the Kira he knew from childhood...the Kira he knew like the back of his hand, from childhood...was...different.

Athrun quietly shut the door to Cagalli's room and continued down the corridor, thinking on the move.

It wasn't so much that Kira had changed. Everything Athrun knew and loved of his closest friend of old was still there, but...it had been built on. There was so much more to him now – developments which Athrun had not been around to adapt to, to grow with and to learn, and some which he himself had caused. He'd grown up, yes, and there was...baggage. He'd learnt as much about Kira over the past few weeks as he had about Cagalli. There was still distrust, that could not be denied. So much had come between them during the Bloody Valentine War; it was unreasonable and unrealistic to expect that peace between the Earth forces and ZAFT would bring instant peace between Athrun and Kira, Kira and Athrun. Yet, as time would tell soon enough, their bridges were far easier to forge, and there was the strongest of desires to cross them. So, whilst they were still often awkward around each other, often avoiding direct eye contact, often tense in their interactions...they did seem to be healing. And of course, as the trust grew, so did their willingness to really 'speak' to each other, rather than simply talking. Neither would admit it; neither were sure of it, nor sure of how the other felt, but both sorely missed and deeply wanted back the ear of the other, which had been party to the deepest secrets, the most sincere of thoughts and feelings, back when they were young.

It would certainly have helped to clear Athrun's head a bit. He paused outside the door to Kira's room, unsure of whether to look in, as he had Cagalli's. Perhaps he would have moved on, had he not heard the faint sounds of mumbling from the other side, and the distinct sound of a disagreement between man and mattress.

"Kira?" Athrun whispered, opening the door a crack and peering into the darkness. Once again, it took a few seconds for his eyes to adjust to the light, but when he found that he could see, and looked in, he saw...nothing too out of the ordinary. Kira looked to be sound asleep. But then...a glass on the floor, its contents gradually seeping into the carpet. After a moment of hesitation Athrun tiptoed in, keeping as quiet as he could for fear of waking the room's occupant, kneeling, and picking up the glass. He cast his eyes around the room, emerald glinting briefly as it caught the light of a moonbeam through a crack in the curtains, looking for...something. It was probably only water – was there anything to soak it up? Nothing, at first glance, just a discarded sock some way across the floor. Well, it'd have to be left, then. Athrun stood and was about to leave, but then there it was again! That mumble...it sounded distinctly like "Athrun". Its namesake stood, rooted to the spot. Was Kira awake? No, he wasn't, his eyes were tight shut; very tightly shut as it happened, a pronounced frown and sweat on the brow combining to give something of a distressed look. Athrun continued to stand still, wondering what he should do. Was Kira having a nightmare? His question was answered as his friend turned over, and then turned again, and again; fists clenched, a leg kicked out.

"A-Athrun...No I won't...Athrun...Flay! I can't..."

"Kira..." Athrun instinctively moved closer, but had to hold back to avoid catching a flailing arm. He waited until Kira was still again, lying on his back and trembling a little, to continue his approach. The bed sheets had been lost in the commotion, and Athrun bent to pick them from the floor before sitting on the edge of the bed, unsure of how to continue. He didn't want to wake Kira up, in case he had finally managed to leave his nightmare behind. On the other hand, if he hadn't, then waking him up would be the kind thing to do. He decided to leave him be...but he couldn't leave, not yet; not until he was sure Kira was going to be ok. He stood, straightened the bed sheets, and placed them gently over Kira's still tense frame before retreating to a chair in the corner of the room, and taking a seat.

It could only have been a few minutes later when Athrun found himself being awoken from the light slumber he had fallen into by a bright "Torriiii" from the curtain rail above him. He shook the sleep from his head as the robotic bird alighted on the arm of his chair, giving him that customary, quizzical look. He really must be tired, dropping off so quickly, but it was sods law that the first time he'd managed to fall asleep without being interrupted by nightmares of his own would also be the time when he'd be woken up by a robot bird.

"well...tonight's not really going as planned" Athrun whispered to the metal creature, patting it affectionately on the head. He really did love this bird. A right bugger to make, but...he'd had to. He vividly remembered the fear he'd felt, even at that age, or perhaps because he had been that age, upon leaving earth for the Plants, that Kira would...forget him. What better way to have your closest friend remember you than pull out all the stops, stretch the boundaries of your knowledge of mechanics, and build him a green, flying, robotic bird. A stroke of genius, really. Of course, as Kira told him at the time, and would remind him now if only the conversation were to come up; he didn't need Torii to remember Athrun by. Nevertheless, the comfort of the company the bird had provided had been invaluable, as had been the reminder served by its presence of just who it was Kira was fighting. Not an enemy, not a stranger; his friend. The moment at the gate where Kira, in pursuit of the runaway bird, came face to face with an undercover Athrun, symbolised the bond that they still shared. Torii, the mechanical bird, possessed the gift of clarity to which human eyes and human minds, so often entangled in the petty detail, have never been privileged. It saw no difference between the two boys, and loved – if indeed it is possible for a machine to feel love – both in equal measure. The conflict that existed between the two was nonexistent in the eyes of the bird and it was only now beginning to dawn in Athrun's mind just what that moment really meant, for of course he remembered it clearly. That poignant reminder of where they had come from, of the history they shared, as he stood with the bird he made, giving it to the friend for whom he had made it; the only real difference was the fence that kept them apart.

...and Athrun had been planning to go for a walk, to keep moving, so as to stop his mind wondering like that. As it was he had failed, and found himself breathing deeply, fighting to regain control as the emotion he had been bottling for far too long threatened to take control of him. He closed his eyes briefly, sniffed, and steadied himself. One day he would have to let go, he knew that, but...not today. Torii remained on the arm of the chair as Athrun stood to leave. He tried to avoid looking at the sleeping figure of Kira as he left, for fear of providing another emotional trigger...but of course, fate wouldn't allow that to happen, would it. He was almost at the door when Kira began to move again, a quiet moan escaping him. Athrun stopped, dead, hoping that this would be a short episode, whilst resigning himself to the knowledge that this was probably not going to be the case, and that if Kira were to become distressed again, he'd not have the heart to leave him and pretend he hadn't known. He walked back and calmly sat on the bed, looking from the floor, to Kira's unhappy face, to the floor, and back again.

"no...N-no Athrun, please, don't..."

Of course, that made Athrun's blood run cold. He clenched his teeth, stared at the floor with grit and determination, happy to let his mind wonder where it would so long as it would not go back to the moment he was almost sure that Kira was dreaming of – the time Kira had killed Nicol, and the time he had tried...really tried...to kill Kira. Of course, he'd almost succeeded.

"Kira, I'm sorry..." Athrun whispered, voice hoarse, a first tear breaking the barrier at the corner of his eye. Kira probably couldn't hear him, he was so embroiled in his own dream, but Athrun had to say it – it was not something he'd had the courage to do yet, face to face. There was silence again for a minute or so. Kira was still tossing and turning from time to time, but no sound passed his lips, until...

"no...no...no, no, no, NO!"

That was the breaking point. Kira sat bolt upright, eyes wide in fear and panic, tears already rolling down his cheeks. Recovering from nearly having been thrown from the bed by the sudden movement, Athrun's natural reaction was to catch Kira in his arms as his friend, soaked in sweat and trembling, screamed silently into his shoulder.

"Kira! Kira calm down, it's ok it was...it was just a dream"

This seemed to be small consolation however as Kira continued to sob uncontrollably, face now buried in Athrun's chest. He was all but silent, but the force of each sob made his entire body jerk. Athrun for his part, completely at a loss for words and fighting back a similar reaction himself, simply held on tightly. He couldn't remember ever seeing such an outburst before. There were a couple of occasions where the grief might have matched; his father immediately after the Bloody Valentine tragedy, and...himself, on the island, with Cagalli, believing that he had just killed the one now shaking in his arms. Holding on was all he could do.

"I-I couldn't save her!" Kira cried, "just like the kid on the shuttle I...I couldn't save her..."

Athrun grimaced as Kira's clenched fist made contact with his chest, again, and again, but he could not reproach him.

"you can't save everyone" Athrun replied, quietly. This brought a fresh flood of tears from Kira, but the force of his grief seemed to be dissipating. Athrun felt Kira's fist again, but it was gentle this time, and soon flopped to the mattress as Kira lay limp in his arms, head still resting in the crook of his neck. They remained that way for several minutes more, in total silence, until Athrun felt all resistance and tension leave his friend's body. He must have cried himself back to sleep. Slowly, gently, lower his body back to the warm embrace of the mattress...

"I'm sorry..." Kira mumbled as Athrun lay his head down on the pillow, making him comfortable. It was incoherent though, and his eyes were shut. Dreaming again? Not awake anyhow. Athrun stood, picking up the bed sheets from the floor yet again, and placing them carefully over the now resting body of his friend. He paused for a moment, resting a hand on Kira's forehead.

"...So am I" he replied, quietly, before turning to leave. Torii alighted on his shoulder as he opened the door, but was met with no response. There was one last look back at the sleeping figure in the room, and then the door clicked shut.

"Toriii?"

"I don't know about you, but i could use that walk now..."

End of Part 1