His body ached. He could practically feel the bruises and cuts as he lay as still as possible. He stared up at the ceiling, trying to imagine what the clear, night sky looked like tonight. And then his mind wandered where it shouldn't have. He imagined her body curled into his. He closed his eyes and inhaled, still able to smell her citrus shampoo from her damp hair. He smiled as he remembered the way the ends of her hair would tickle his bare chest as they would lie there in silence. He sighed heavily and opened his eyes, cursing himself silently for those thoughts. He tried to force the image of her sleeping body out of his mind. He hated how she had closed herself off, but there was nothing more he could do to change it. He had finally found a comfortable position and he felt himself falling into a deep sleep when his phone began to ring.
"DiNozzo."
xxxxx
She couldn't sleep. She grabbed her phone and opened it to read the time, the bright light causing her eyes to flutter and water. 2:46 am. She groaned as she tossed the blankets to the end of the bed. Why had she pushed him away? It was nights like these she was thankful they had grown so close because she knew he was the one person she could call and he would come over, no matter the time. But after the way she had yelled at him yesterday, she wasn't sure he would ever speak to her outside of work again, and she was beginning to think even conversations at work were a stretch. And as she raised her phone to her face again and scrolled through her contacts, landing on his name, she still wasn't quite confident that he would answer.
xxxxx
"Tony, that wasn't necessary."
Tony ran to catch up as Kate stormed through the parking lot for her car. He grabbed her arm as she reached for the door handle. "Kate, can we have a civilized conversation just once?" He tried not to raise his voice. He wanted to be civil with her; he really did, because in that moment he knew she was fragile.
She whipped around, their faces merely inches from one another. "Tony, I don't want to fight. Every time we try to talk, we fight. And I cannot handle that right now. I am going home to take a long, hot bath and then fall asleep to the silence of my apartment. We can talk in the morning."
And with that, Tony dropped her arm and she entered the car, leaving Tony alone in the parking lot just as rain began to fall. And he stood there, watching her car pull away, the rain growing heavier by the minute.
xxxxx
He rubbed at his eyes again as he pressed the button for the third floor. He glanced at his phone, not really sure what he was looking for. The entire drive over had been a blur, probably because it was three in the morning and he was still half asleep. As the elevator dinged, he stepped off and walked down the hallway he was very familiar with. He stood in front of her door and knocked lightly as a teenage couple dragged past, laughing loudly. He turned back to the door as it opened, Kate standing in front of him.
"Hi."
Kate sighed as she moved to let Tony into the apartment. "I'm sorry for calling so late."
Tony smiled. "It's okay, I couldn't sleep anyways."
"That'd be easier to believe if there weren't drool marks on your face," Kate replied with a smile on her face.
"Is everything alright?" Tony asked.
Kate smiled and said, "Everything is fine." But Tony knew better.
"Kate, you can talk to me."
"But that's just it. I don't know what to talk about because I don't know how I feel. I don't know what I want in life. I put on this façade every day for work, but the truth is, I don't think I belong there."
But Tony put his finger on Kate's lips. "Stop it. You are an agent. This job isn't easy. I've been an agent for four years and I still go home questioning myself. But Kate, for other people to believe in you, you have to believe in yourself first."
xxxxx
"I screwed up, Tony."
Kate was sitting in the dark, in an empty chair in the autopsy room. As Tony stood by the door, he could see Kate in the small amount of light that was shining, her head leaned back against the wall and her eyes closed. "Kate, you made one mistake. It's not a big deal."
He heard her scoff as he slowly moved closer, spotting an open seat. "We could have died."
"But the point is that we are still breathing now. You can't dwell on the past, Kate. In this job, you have to forget. It's the only solution. If me or Gibbs or Ducky ever dwelled on a decision we made on a past case, we'd all be sitting at home with beards and coffee stains on our teeth," Tony said. "Making mistakes is part of learning how to be a special agent." Instead of taking the empty chair, Tony stood in front of Kate, extending his hand to her.
"What?" she asked.
He smiled, even though she couldn't see it. "Stay with me for the night."