It was the beginning of the end. Severus could see that much. The moment that horrible name slipped out of his mouth he saw the change in her eyes. Too far. He'd gone too far. He had sensed the way Lily had been thinning out their friendship even before she sensed it herself. What was wrong with him? The only true friend he had now hated him. He figured it wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't head over heels in love with her. He kicked the wall angrily and slid to floor. It was dark in the castle. Everyone should have been in bed by now. He couldn't sleep. The expression on her face swam in front of his eyes and made his insides clench in guilt. Would she forgive him? Something inside made him doubt it. She didn't need him. He was basically a burden to her. She had plenty of friends. But he seemed to need her more than anything. Especially now as his loyalties seemed to sway on a thin cord. Even though he hadn't told her about his plan to change sides…she somehow knew. All it took was one little snip from her and he'd be on the other side of the fat black line called "Good and Evil". He never told her about Lucius Malfoys offers. Or about Rudolphus and Rabastan Lestrange's threatening. He knew what he'd choose if Lily wasn't there to clear his head anymore. He'd choose the side that offered him what he wanted the most. And right now, what he wanted the most (besides Lily) was revenge on every single idiot who ever called him snivellous. He imagined James Potter cowering in fear as he crucio'ed Sirius Black. The thought made his heart race. He could do that if he wanted! Once he made his decision. But Lily's beautiful face clouded his thoughts again and he felt himself being pulled towards her.
"Alright, Sev." He mumbled to himself. "It's power or Lily. Who are you gonna choose?" he honestly couldn't decide. "Gods, this is hard!" he growled. Just then he heard voices coming from further down the hall. Male voices. More specifically, James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew's voices.
"Shut it, Pete! We won't get caught!" Scolded Black in a stage whisper. "The only person who would dare tell on us is sitting ten feet away." Sev's head shot up at that. He had been too preoccupied with his inner struggle and trying to eavesdrop on the four boys that he didn't realize they could see him. He jumped to his feet and whipped out his wand.
"I wouldn't do that if I were you, Snivelly!" Said James loudly. "Unlike you, we have a prefect with us." Severus's glare shifted from James to Remus. The thin werewolf raised an eyebrow.
"Put down your wand, Snape…" Remus said quietly. "I don't want to but I will take away points." Snape gritted his teeth. He knew that Remus was the most sensible of the four. It didn't mean that he could trust the half-breed any more then James and Sirius. It just meant that he was less likely to be suspended upside down by him. Snape lowered his wand and shoved it begrudgingly back inside his jean pocket. None of the boy's had taken their wands out. Severus debated pushing past them and going back to bed. But something told him to stay rooted to the spot.
"You know, I asked out Lily after dinner today…" James said with an evil grin on his face. "And despite what she said earlier…her answer was yes." Severus felt as if someone had punched him in the gut.
"She wouldn't..." He choked out. "Not to you!"
"Oh, but she did." James said, taking a step forward and placing a hand on Snapes bony shoulder. "Which is why I am calling a truce." Snapes eyes widened.
"What are you going on about?" he spat. James pulled his hand away from Sev and looked at the ground.
"I'm going to leave you alone from now on…" He said quietly. Sirius snorted loudly from behind James. He spun around to face his friend. "We are ALL going to leave you alone from now on!" he said, giving Sirius a warning look.
"Why?" Snape asked, disbelievingly. James turned to face him and there was something on his face that Snape didn't quite understand. He had never seen James's eyes look so soft before. It made Severus feel queasy. "Because I love her…" the boy mumbled quietly. Snape gagged reflexively. James's eyes narrowed. Severus knew that he probably figured he was mocking him. But in reality, he really wanted to throw up. He saw James's hand twitch towards his pocket, but he managed to calm himself. "I forgot," he spat. "That's something a creep like you wouldn't understand." Snape flinched and opened his mouth to speak but James cut him off. "I see the way you leer at her. Like she's some kind of toy you can lead around by making her feel bad for you."
"I haven't-"Snape shouted. But James's hand came up to stop him. He had a strangely cheerful look on his face.
"I just want you to know that if you ever call her a mudblood ever again I will call off the truce and I won't use a wand to hang you upside down and humiliate you. Do you understand?" he threatened in a voice that was extremely friendly and sugar coated. His face was so relaxed and charming that Snape wondered how James got in trouble for anything. Surly that face was enough to charm any teacher into looking the other way.
"I understand." Snape ground out. He needed them to leave. His mind was made up. Lily was what he needed. As soon as the four boys were gone he was going to race as fast as he could to Gryffindor tower and beg Lily's forgiveness.
"Anyways, g'night Sev!" James waved cheerfully as the boys walked past him towards the entrance to the kitchens.
"Can I tickle the pear this time?" he heard Peter ask.
"You are so weird, Wormtail…but yes, you can" Sirius laughed. Their voices echoed off the walls and faded into nothing. Severus pushed his fingers through his hair and hoped he didn't look too much like he'd just had his heart punched out. He raced along the corridors the same way the four boy's had come. The fat lady was snoozing quietly in her portrait.
"Umm…" Snape mumbled. "Excuse me…" she shifted and woke.
""Back so soon boys," she said, yawning, her eyes still closed. Her eyes fluttered open and she jumped. "Oh, it's you…" Snape had had run ins before with the fat lady. She despised him. "I'm not letting you in." she said flatly.
"I just need to speak to someone inside." He begged. "Please, it will only take a second!" She pursed her lips.
"Would that someone be Miss Lily Evans?" She asked, even though she obviously already knew the answer. Severus nodded stiffly.
"Please…" he said again. Footsteps echoed off the walls and a female voice said startled.
"Sev?" asked Lily Evans. Snape spun around and stared at her.
"I thought you'd be sleeping…" he mumbled.
"I'm patrolling tonight as a favor for Remus." She said rolling her bright green eyes. "What do you want?"
Severus took a deep breath and tried to remember what he had wanted to say. Unfortunately, all he could concentrate on was the mesmerizing way her lips moved. He wondered for the thousandth time if they were as soft as they looked.
"I just uhhh…wanted to apologize." He cringed inwardly. He was terrible at apologizing. Lily looked at him for a second then turned her attention to the fat lady.
"Monkshood" she said and the portrait swung open. "Oh, and," she turned and looked at him. "Apology NOT accepted. You went too far this time, Sev." He was going to be sick, he knew it. He placed one hand over his stomach and reached for Lily's arm with the other. His fingers closed around her arm and he could feel the warmth of her even through her sweater. It calmed him a bit.
"Lily please listen to me! I just wanna talk!" her eyes flashed as she stared at him.
"There is nothing you can say to me." She said harshly. He flinched. "I've listened to your excuses about hurting other people for too long. I had thought you cared about me, Sev! I really did! But obviously you didn't care enough to not hurt me. I've had enough." She yanked roughly at her arm and his fingers slid off.
"Lily…I love you…" he mumbled. She stared at him and he stared at the ground.
"You have a funny way of showing it, Sev." She sighed after a minute. He reached out for her and before he could change his mind, his fingers were cradling her face and he was kissing her. She froze and stood rigidly against him as he kissed her. After a minute or two she tapped her fingers against his chest in impatience. He wanted to laugh.
"Well," she said when he had let go. "That was nice…"her face was almost as red as her hair. He smiled. Then he sobered up when he remembered why he was there.
"Not him, Lily." He said. They way she looked at him, with that pained and pitying expression, showed that she knew exactly who he meant.
"He cares about me." She said. "I know you hate him…you have every right to. But he stood up for me out there. I can't ignore that." Her tone was soft. But he knew she meant every word. "Plus, he has lovely skin." She joked as she ran the pad of her thumb over Severus's blotchy cheek. He smiled sadly at her. He knew she was joking about the skin. But everything she had said about James standing up for her was true.
"He does love you, but he'll never love you as much as I did." He emphasized the last word. She looked up at him and groaned.
"I'm not going to pretend that I won't miss you. Because I will everyday." Her voice was tight, like she was fighting back tears. "But you need to move on to bigger things. I think I've been weighing you down all this time." He shook his head and tried to speak but she stopped him. "You can't worry about losing me anymore. I was never yours."
"You are my best friend." He said fiercely. "I refuse to move on."
She burst out laughing. "Sev, we would have never worked. You're too good for me." He wondered if she was being sarcastic.
"So this is it then?" he stomach gave an unpleasant lurch again. "Are you saying that we can't be friends anymore?"
She nodded sadly and turned away from him. "Maybe someday…but right now…we are too different. We both need to try new things." The portrait swung shut after her and ne noticed that the fat lady was sleeping. New things? He'd show her new things. He would do things that she and James could only have nightmares about. But first…his stomach lurched. He raced to the nearest bathroom and hurled every last bit of his dinner into a toilet bowl. Lily would regret dating James Potter. He would make sure of that…right after he changed into a clean shirt.