She'd felt cold saying it. It left her feeling hollow, which was sort of the point. Separating the necessary emotions from the wanted ones. Love is weakness. For these children who fell from the sky, love was their biggest weakness.
Wells' love for Clarke had him flying in spaceships into a short future filled with pain. He lost his life to a child who couldn't let go of her love for a lost family. The love between a brother and sister nearly caused a civil war. The love between a parent and child ended in murder and sadness. That's what happened to her father because of his love for people and family. Murdered. Thrown into an endless void, suffocated and gone. Because he loved.
Finn lost his life trying to love. First, to Raven and the Skybox. Then Clarke herself, and his blind justice. All done in the name of love. From where she stood the Grounders had it right. Love is weakness. Death and misery and nightmares stemmed from love. So why did she feel cold?
Bellamy's wounded expression affected her in ways she wasn't ready to think about. It's worth the risk. It was worth the risk. Getting their people out of Mount Weather was worth any and all risks; one life was not more valuable then another. Sparing one person in favor of 47 more, simply wasn't a luxury a leader could afford. It was a weakness.
"I'll leave right away," he said. She matched his stare. She wasn't wrong. Lexa showed her that love had no place in a war. And they were certainly at war. It surrounded them, drowned them, crushed them on a daily basis. They were at war from the moment they entered into the dropship. At war with each other, and those they left behind.
The Council hadn't been grooming delinquents into becoming decent members of society. They were creating soldiers. Out of children came their strength and the survival of the Ark was built on their graves. In the name of love, they sent one hundred children to die.
"Bellamy, you don't have to do this. We can think of something else," Octavia pleaded. Bellamy finally looked away from Clarke. "O, I wouldn't risk anyone else. It's gotta be me."
It wasn't long after that, that he had a bag packed and Lincoln at his side. Both of the men hugged Octavia in departure and turned their backs. Clarke shivered despite the warmth of the fire. Why was she so cold?
Octavia stood at the edge of the woods until both Bellamy and Lincoln couldn't be seen in the night. Clarke walked over to her and put her hand on her shoulder. "Come on, Octavia, let's go."
She shrugged away from Clarke. "I'll stay where I am, thanks."
"Really, Octavia, it's getting late. You can't stand out here all night."
Octavia rolled her eyes. "Oh, can't I? You may be Bellamy's princess but you're not mine. I don't take orders from you Clarke. And I just watched the two people I love the most head into the dark. I'll stand here as long as I damn well please."
Clarke pulled her hand back as though she'd been bitten. "I'm sorry, Octavia. It had to be done."
Octavia faced the woods again. "Did it? How much thought was put into this? Because from where I stand, this was a decision that you made on a whim. You didn't ask; you told. You commanded, Commander."
Clarke was speechless; she mumbled an apology and left Octavia standing in the blackness.
"Well that was harsh, wasn't it," Raven said, her voice sounding both smug and bitter.
"Not now Raven. I don't want to deal with you right now."
Raven shrugged. "As pissed as I am, I get it. I'll bear the scars of what would have been my death for the rest of my life. Both physically and mentally. I lived through it though. Finn wouldn't have. He would have been in that same agony until his heart stopped. And I get it. I know you couldn't have saved him. At least, I'll never stop hoping you couldn't have."
Clarke nodded. To find out there had been a third option where Finn could have lived and an alliance still reached would break Clarke into pieces; it would do the same to Raven.
"This alliance is so fragile; anything could destroy it and I can't let that reason be me. Then what would Finn have died for? What I did to him would be meaningless."
"It's not going to fall apart because of you," Raven replied.
Clarke looked up at Raven. "I won't let it."
Three days had passed without word from Bellamy or Lincoln. Octavia nursed her wounds and Raven tweaked with the signal while Clarke shuffled around the camp, her mind running itself into oblivion getting its thinking done. Were they alive? Did they get in? If they had, then where was their message over the radio? Were they okay? Did she send them to their deaths? I can't lose you too. She thought about that a lot. I can't lose you too. Words of weakness.
Clarke checked on Lexa who was in the medical tent; Nyko redressed her bandages. She turned around without disturbing them. Better to leave them to their own medical devices then have them think she was undermining Nyko's abilities.
"It's been three days Clarke. When are we going in for them?" Octavia stood in front of her, arms crossed and bruises covering her body.
Clarke clenched her jaw. "You know that's not an option yet Octavia. Going to Mount Weather without them being shut down from the inside is useless. We need Bellamy and Lincoln to do their part before we can do ours."
"Oh, right. Their part. Like this is a game. My brother is in there. My brother. Your friend. And Lincoln. He's in there. But what does it matter to you, right? What was it you said? You were being weak?"
Clarke closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Octavia cut her off before she could defend herself.
"I've heard the whispers around the camp. I know everyone's calling me a Grounder. Yeah. I understand them. I'm learning from them. And guess what? I've come across their "love is weak" bullshit. You want to apply that? By all means, go ahead. That only makes you the Grounder here Clarke, not me. I don't forget those I love. I won't leave them behind. So if you want to, be my guest. I'm not though. I will get my family back, even if that means I do it alone."
Clarke shook in her effort to keep calm. "Shut up, Octavia! Shut the hell up! You think I don't know what we risked? Who we risked? But we had to! We had to for our people! For the Grounders! Bellamy knew that! He knows that. Stop treating me like I'm some sort of monster! Love is weakness! Bellamy wouldn't leave because I was weak; I can't be weak Octavia!"
Through her screaming, Clarke hadn't heard the uneven gait of Raven approach her from behind.
"What the hell are you talking about?"
Shit. "Nothing. Just talking about everything with Octavia."
"I don't care about that. What the hell do you mean love is weakness? What you think you're weak now? Is this because of Finn?"
Clarke groaned, frustrated. "Of course it is. Finn, Jasper, Monty, Miller, Harper. Everyone. Everyone is in that horrible place because of me. Because I wasn't strong. Finn is dead because of me. I killed him. He died for love, and I killed him for it. If Bellamy and Lincoln hadn't left, we'd still be shuffling our feet, wondering what our next move would be."
Octavia's jaw dropped. "And what the hell do you think we're doing now? We're no further to getting our people back than before, and now we're down two of our best chances. Three days! Three damn days. Where the hell are they Clarke? Now we're all weak, because of this."
Raven moved to stand next to Octavia and snapped her fingers in Clarke's face. "Look at me, Clarke! You don't get to walk away from this. You don't get to put the blame on love; love is what's gotten us this far. Love is what's kept us alive. You think that was weakness? You kept us alive. You and Bellamy, and it isn't because there was nothing else to do. It was love. Every single damn time you help a person it's out of love. You're a damn doctor Clarke. That's not a weakness, and you can't do it without love. Was Finn weak? Finn took the blame and landed himself in the Skybox for love. He ruined his life for love. Without love, Finn wasn't Finn. How dare you tear him down like that? Calling his love weak is such a dishonor and you should be ashamed."
Clarke fought back tears. She didn't know how to make them understand. By removing emotion from her duty, she could stomach it. She could bury the faces of those she'd lost to love. She could keep the nightmares at bay. They wouldn't haunt her as much. She could be strong for everyone.
"Love isn't weakness Clarke. If you bury that emotion, you're just like them. The Grounders."
Clarke snapped out of her thoughts. "And what's so wrong with that? Look how long they've survived in this world! Centuries of life have been preserved in this hell hole because of their philosophy."
"Oh screw you, Clarke! At what cost have they survived? Lexa killed her own bodyguard. Watched him get tortured first, and then she killed him. That was her friend. That's what you want to be? You've got your first kill down, Clarke. You're one step closer to becoming Lexa. Is that what you want?"
"What do you want me to do? I can't undo it! I can't bring them back! They're gone; they're in the mountain and I can't save them," Clarke yelled back, her voice cracking with the emotion she couldn't hold back anymore.
The second she's said it, 'it's worth the risk' she couldn't shake the feeling of being cold. Even standing here in a screaming match with her friends, she felt cold. Hollow. She remembered Lexa telling her leave her behind when they were attacked in the woods, and how surprised she was that Clarke wouldn't do it. Sure, she needed Lexa for the alliance. But it was more than that. She wasn't going to let her die. Clarke couldn't leave someone behind. Not again. She'd lived with that before; when she closed the dropship door and left Bellamy and Finn outside to die. That doesn't go away. Even now when she tries to sleep, she still sees their faces. Bellamy looking back at her with understanding is what hurt the most. He wasn't angry. He should have been angry and he wasn't. He just accepted it; he accepted being put last with such ease, like he expected it.
"Clarke, Bellamy has protected me my entire life. I owe it to him to do the same. Please…, please let's go get my big brother."
I can't lose you too. Was honesty weakness? Truth be told, she didn't know what she'd do without Bellamy. She certainly couldn't lead without him; could she live at all? He was her fallback, her rock. He knew how she felt and he knew what it took to lead. The hard decisions and the heartbreak; he understood her in a way no one else would ever be able to. Could she live without that in her life? Was it weakness to rely so heavily on the existence of someone else? Or was it was means of delegating strength?
"Clarke, don't damn us because of what happened with Finn. Don't damn Lincoln. Don't damn Bellamy," whispered Octavia, her fierce foundation starting to crumble.
"And get over this love is weakness bullshit. It doesn't suit you," Raven said, walking away and back to her radio.
I can't lose you too. Why had she said that? Why had she told him that? She could have said we can't lose you; we need you. But it wasn't true. The Ark was down and the adults had arrived. They could handle the kids. They could handle it; they didn't need Bellamy. She did. She needed him. He kept her somewhat sane. He was there. He was solid. He was warm. And she was so cold.
"We need a plan, Octavia."
Octavia sighed in relief. "I'll come up with one, don't you worry."
We're coming Bellamy. Because I need you.
Was it weakness? Maybe it was. Raven was right though. Living life without love was frightening. It was hollow. It was cold. It was meaningless. Maybe it's what the Grounders needed; love in all its glory.
Did she love Bellamy? She wasn't sure, but for the first time in nearly a week, Clarke felt warm.
When they'd found him, bruised, bloodied, and battered, he grinned up at her behind swollen eyes. "See Princess? You didn't lose me," he said, struggling not to laugh against his broken ribs. She put her hand into his so he would have something to squeeze when they patched up his wounds. With her free hand, she brushed his hair out of his face.
"Good. Because I need you."
Author's Note: So, this is my first dip into The 100 fanfic realm. How did I do? This was written mostly because I wanted a little bit more detail between Clarke telling Bellamy to go and Bellamy making contact. I haven't actually seen the newest episode aside from some gifs on tumblr so if this is inaccurate, that's why. Not to mention, it's just my interpretation of the characters and I how I see them reacting to these situations. That being said, I love the show and I certainly love Bellarke and I hope they're canon eventually and sometime soon at that. Anyways, I just want to leave this once-upon-a-time quick note for you guys. Don't forget to let me know what you thought about this! Who knows, maybe I'll write more. ;-)