A/N: Here's the new story! Hope you enjoy. Be sure to read the closing author's note!
Disclaimer: I don't own Batman, but I own Heather and...well...me. I also don't own SpongeBob SquarePants.
Chapter 1
(Theme song starts playing and a woman with blonde hair walks out onto the stage and sits. There are several other chairs sitting in a semi-circle with hers, but they're empty. She motions for the audience to stop clapping.)
Woman: Welcome to The Dark Reality! I'm your host Heather. Just so everybody knows what this is about, we'll take our stars and put them in one small, cramped apartment in Gotham and they'll have to live there for a few weeks! Now, lets bring out the stars of our show and get to know them before we abandon them- I mean, take them to their new home! Come on out, guys!
(Audience claps and cheers as Batman, Alfred, Harvey, the Joker, Rachel, and Jonathan Crane walk out onto the stage and sit down)
Heather: Hey, guys, how are you?
Batman: Nervous.
Crane: You're nervous already? I think this show will be too stressful for you…
Alfred: I think he means he's nervous because he saw the other show these same producers made.
Rachel: You mean Ask a Pirate? Yeah, that one was scary.
Heather: Oh, that reminds me! Please welcome the referee of this new show: Angel's Star!
Cast: Nooooo!!!
Angel: That's not nice! (walks out onto the stage and sits down) Wait, I'm the referee?
Heather: Yeah, the producers couldn't send these guys to live by themselves, so they needed a referee and you happened to be available.
Angel: Didn't they watch my show?! I was the one telling everybody to pick on Elizabeth!
(Heather shrugs)
Harvey: Apparently not.
Angel: (mumbling and giving Heather a death glare) I should be the hostess…
Heather: (easing away) Should I tell you all the rules now or do you want to find out later?
Joker: You people know I hate rules.
Batman: Better tell us now.
Heather: Ok. You'll all be living together in an apartment. You can't rent an additional room or a go to a bigger hotel either. (eyeing Batman) You can leave, but where one goes, everyone has to go. I'll be checking in on you on occasion and also giving you a call to tell you what to do if a fan has a good idea.
Rachel: I'm not sure I want to do this…
Angel: Too bad! We all got suckered into contracts! I even got caught in my own loophole.
Crane: They didn't make the Joker and me sign a contract.
Joker: Nope. We just came in and demanded to be on it so we could bug the Batman!
Batman: Yay?
Harvey: I never saw you as the kind of guy who says 'Yay'.
Batman: And I never saw you as being a half-normal human being, so we're even!
Harvey: I find that insulting! (turns the burned half of his face away from Batman)
Heather: Well, I can see you're all going to have fun! Here's the key to your car! No, Joker, you can't have it. We already told you you can't have any sharp objects.
Rachel: I didn't think keys were sharp…
Joker: You haven't seen what I can do with them…
(Nobody seems surprised)
Angel: (taking the key) I'll hold onto this.
Alfred: So, let me get this straight. We all have to live in a cramped apartment for a few weeks and she is supposedly the voice of reason? (points to Angel's Star)
Angel: I can always tell who watched my other show.
Heather: (shrugs) Hey, might as well not complain. You've got to do it anyway.
Batman: (hopefully) So do we get to ride in that limo I saw out front?
Heather: Nope! You ride in the van!
Rachel: But-but it's old and dirty!
Heather: If we gave you a nice car, next thing we know, you'd want a nice apartment.
Crane: What exactly is this apartment like?
Heather: I can't tell you until you sign these papers saying you and the Joker can handle the truth. (hands them some papers and they sign it and hand it back) Ok! It's got one bedroom, living room, kitchen, and bathroom and it's in downtown Gotham.
Crane: On second thought, I'll pass up this chance to annoy Batsy and wait. Good luck to you, though, Joker!
(The Joker shrugs)
Heather: Nope, you can't leave.
Crane: Why not?
Heather: Because you both just signed contracts. Now you have to do the show!
Crane: (falls to his knees) NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
(The rest of the cast snickers)
Angel: She's almost better than me at getting people suckered into signing contracts!
Heather: Er…thanks? You guys better get going. Have fun and don't kill each other!
Joker: Aww, what's the fun in that?
Crane: No! No, you can't take me!! I want to live! (tries to crawl away, but Batman and Harvey grab him and drag him along)
Batman: If I've got to live with the Joker and the insane used-to-be hostess, you do too!
Angel: I resent that!
Rachel: Did you ever watch re-runs of your show?
Angel: No.
Rachel: I thought not.
(They all walk out front and get in the van. Since Angel's Star has the keys, she drives them there. After a couple hours of driving, everyone is getting really bored)
Joker: Are we there yet?
Crane: (sulking in the back seat) Have we stopped yet?
Joker: (turns around) Listen, Johnny-boy, I've got a story to tell you. It's about where I got my scars.
Everybody else: NO!
Joker: (turns back around in his seat) Fine. But it was a good one.
Rachel: Angel, do you even know where you're going?
Angel: No.
Harvey: Then why the heck are you driving?!
Angel: She gave me the keys, remember?!
Alfred: I have to wonder, why didn't you just say you didn't know where the apartment was?
Angel: I didn't say I didn't know where it was. I said I don't know where I'm going. I know where the apartment is, but I don't know how to get there.
Joker: That sounds strangely like something I'd say.
Batman: (suddenly points out the window on the other side of the van and accidentally smacks Crane in the face) There it is!
(Angel slams on the brakes in the middle of the street)
Alfred: (frantically) Where?
Batman: (crawls over Crane to get to the window and pushes his finger on it) Right THERE! See the sign that says 'Welcome cast of The Dark Reality'?
Crane: (trying to push Batman off) I don't think my contract said anything about this!
Harvey: By some miracle we actually made it!
Angel: Hurray! Now to find parking…
(After driving around for a few more minutes, they finally locate a parking lot behind the hotel. They all get out and grab their stuff and head inside)
Angel: (to the woman behind the desk) Hi, we're the cast of The Dark Reality. I think you guys have a room for us.
Woman: Do I look like a guy?
Joker: Do you want me to answer that?
(Crane tries not to laugh)
Batman: Excuse him. He has no manners.
Joker: Did you not hear me say 'Good evening, ladies and gentlemen' when I crashed Bruce Wayne's party?
Batman: I, uh, must've missed that.
Angel: Hush! (motions them away. They take a couple steps back.) Lady, do you have a key for us or not?
Woman: (gives an exasperated sigh and hands her the key) There you go. It's already been paid for. Just don't trash the room.
(Angel takes the key and they start loading into the elevator, but there's no room for Rachel because of all the luggage)
Rachel: What am I supposed to do?
Crane: (pointing to the stairwell) Exercise is good for you.
Rachel: But-but-
Joker: Enough buts! Get moving! (pushes the button and the elevator doors close)
Harvey: (completely horrified) Neither of you know how to treat a lady!
Joker: Yeah, we do. Make her walk up the stairs.
Angel: I'm glad I've got the key.
Alfred: There's something I have to tell you, Master Wayne…
Batman: Yeah?
Alfred: Elevators make me sick.
(Everyone starts pounding on the buttons to get the doors to open. Finally, the elevator comes to a stop and they kick Alfred out)
Crane: Like I said, exercise is good for you!
Batman: Say hi to Rachel for me!
(The doors close again and they start going up to the top)
Batman: I love penthouse suites.
Harvey: Too bad this is no suite.
Joker: Out of curiosity, Batty, do you sleep upside down?
Batman: (hesitating) I, uh, refuse to disclose that information at this time.
Crane: If you do, I'm afraid you'd be taking this whole 'bat' persona a little too far…Not like you don't already. (eyes his costume)
Batman: So says the man who thinks he's a scarecrow.
Crane: (gasps) That was supposed to be a secret!
Angel: Did anybody realize I'm locked up a confined area with four men who have alter-egos? Most of them being villainous…
Joker: (ignoring her) It hasn't been a secret since it made front page news.
Crane: It made front page news?
Joker: (nods) And that leads to another interesting question. Can scarecrows actually taste their food?
(The elevator doors open and they all grab their stuff and get out)
Harvey: That would be an interesting question if he were really a scarecrow.
Batman: Just like his other question would be interesting if I was really a bat.
Joker: If you were really a bat, I would already know the answer.
Angel: Are you guys going to stand there and chat all day or do you want to see the apartment?
(They look over and notice she's already started down the hall. They pick up their stuff and follow. When they get to the door, Angel unlocks it and they walk in. There are a couple couches and a coffee table in front of a TV in the living room. A hall to the left leads to the kitchen, bathroom, and bedroom.)
Harvey: She wasn't lying when she said it's small.
Crane: It barely looks big enough to fit us, but with Alfred and Rachel…
Batman: (hyperventilating) I've got to get out of here!!
(Angel's Star slaps him)
Angel: Quit overreacting! Just because it's not nearly as big as you're used to-
Crane: I wonder how many beds there are? (wanders off to go see)
Harvey: Hopefully enough for all of us to have one.
Joker: If not, I have no problem making you sleep on the floor.
Angel: (sarcastically) Wow, guys, thanks for listening.
Crane: (shouting from the other room) There's only two! I call dibs on one!
Batman: Dibs? Those are so childish…
Joker: I call the other!
Harvey: And you were saying?
Angel: No one calls dibs! We'll draw names from a hat later to decide.
Joker: That's not fair.
Batman: And calling dibs is?
Crane: (comes back in) Yeah, everyone has a chance to call it so it's fair.
Harvey: You guys are all idiots.
Joker: I'd be careful who I say that to, if I were you.
(Suddenly there's a knock on the door. Angel's Star opens it to see Rachel with Alfred riding on her back)
Crane: You two must've been flying up those stairs!
Alfred: (getting down) We weren't until I climbed on her back and forced her to run.
(Rachel passes out)
Batman: (drops to his knees) RACHEL!!!
Harvey: She's not dead, you know.
Batman: She's not?
Joker: Not yet.
(Batman looks horrified)
Angel: (suddenly back) I'm back!
Crane: You left?
Angel: Yes, I got a hat from Alfred's bags and wrote our names on pieces of paper. Now we can decide who gets the beds!
Alfred: Please have pity on the old man…
Batman: What about Rachel?
Angel: She's here!
Harvey: But she can't hear.
Joker: DRAW THE NAMES ALREADY!
Angel: (wide eyed) Someone's anxious. (pulls out a piece and reads it) All right, the first name is Rachel!
Batman: Too bad she's not awake to hear it.
Rachel: I'm up! (suddenly jumps up)
Angel: Uh huh… (pulls out another piece of paper) The second name is Angel!
Harvey: I demand a redraw!
Crane: But…but…I called dibs!
Batman: (drops to his knees and grabs the bottom of Angel's shirt) Please redraw!! You can't leave me out here with…them! (points to the villains)
Joker: You should've thought of that before you dressed up as a bat and beat up the mob!
Angel: (to Batman) He has a point.
Batman: (stands and accidentally knocks the hat out of her hands and sees all of the names are Rachel and Angel) It's rigged!!
Harvey: Now I really demand a redraw!
Angel: Guys! It would only make sense for us girls to get the beds. After all, there's only two of us. Besides, I'm not willing to sleep out here where someone like Crane might take advantage of me.
Rachel: Me neither.
Crane: I resent that!
Alfred: But on your show, Angel, you wanted Jack Sparrow to-
Angel: That's because I was his fangirl!
(Everyone gets really quiet)
Harvey: Did you say you were his fangirl?
Angel: Yes.
Batman: (nervously) Then…whose fangirl are you now?
Angel: Do you really want to know?
Crane: Well, they say ignorance is bliss…
Angel: I'm telling you anyway! I am… (dramatic pause) the Joker's fangirl!
Joker: Uh…lucky me?
(All the other men exhale in relief)
Alfred: I have to wonder why the Joker of all people?
Angel: Never underestimate the sexiness of a psychotic killer.
Rachel: That was awkward.
Joker: Remind me never to get in an enclosed space with her when I don't have a knife. (wanders off to see what's in the fridge)
Batman: I, for one, find this insulting.
Crane: I thought you were relieved.
Batman: I was. Now I'm insulted.
Angel: Are you PMSing?
Batman: No! I just find it insulting that the protector of Gotham isn't good enough to earn the love of a crazy fangirl!
Angel: (shrugs) What can I say? I love bad guys.
Harvey: I'm glad I'm not that bad.
Crane: Me too. (sits down on the couch and turns on the TV)
Harvey: Oh! That was SpongeBob!
(Everyone gives him a weird look)
Joker: (coming back in with a sandwich) I didn't warp his brain that much.
Batman: And I thought he was a threat.
Harvey: Sing it with me, you guys! Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?
Angel: SpongeBob SquarePants!
Alfred: It's going to be a long few weeks.
Rachel: You're telling me… (grabs her suitcases and goes to the bedroom)
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A/N: There you are! Now, here's how this thing works. You submit an idea (it doesn't have to be complicated. It could just be that they order pizza!) and I'll go through and pick my favorite one (or ones) and use it in the next chapter. Please don't get mad if I don't use your idea! Just know that you can always send in a new idea if you want.