Disclaimer: Don't own, and it's probably a good thing too XD.
AN: A sort of 'fuck you' to the problems I'm having at the moment XD
Suggested Listening: Face the Truth by UNSUN
~Start~
Matt couldn't say for sure when it started exactly. Just a small cough here, slight chest pain there...but before he knew it there seemed to be more and more going on...wheezing... shortness of breath...
But none of that was what had freaked him out. Or cause that icy stone of dread to settle into his stomach. No... it was only when he had begun to cough up blood that he knew it was time to see a doctor. He was under no delusions as to what would probably be found; he just wanted to know the time line.
How long did he have left?
How long would he have to hide it...
Because Mello could not find out, not when he was still battling Near for cases week after week. They had survived the Kira case, but Mello had decided it had been a draw as they had used each other but neither had really gotten the upper hand.
Near had silently accepted the challenge, because what else could he have done?
Mello now competed with Near case by case, who solved it faster, had the most information. It was Wammys House all over again, and while Matt hadn't liked it he helped Mello out since he was his 'friend'.
And Mello was always stressed so if there was something wrong, he almost snorted in mirth at the thought of there not being something wrong, Matt didn't want to worry him.
.
Matt had booked an appointment under an alias that Mello didn't know about, and donned a wig and wore clothes not usually in his wardrobe. The doctor came in, a woman with light auburn hair tied back neatly into a bun, and after he'd explained his symptoms he was off to chest X-rays.
It was awkward to sit in the room alone without his goggles or game to distract him from the world, but he wanted nothing connected to him, nothing Mello or Near would be able to find. He had been alright when distracted by the doctor, but alone his nervousness got the better of him.
But the second the doctor was back, with a fake smile, he simply felt, for lack of a better word, blank. So there was something. Not surprising honestly, with how much he smoked.
It was definitely a lung cancer, the type unknown until a biopsy could be done.
Matt stared at the X-ray emotionlessly. He really felt nothing towards it. He had suspected something was going on, so there was no surprise to find out. But damn, he had to get it bad didn't he?
That mass of gray wasn't errors or glitches on the film. And by mass... well if that was attached to his lung there was no way it was operable...
The doctor had scheduled a biopsy for him for a week later. He hardly pad any more attention to her and left the second it seemed appropriate. The week waiting for the biopsy wasn't long, it was the wait for the results that made him... nervous?
.
Three days later the results were in, and really, Matt could only laugh.
Large cell neuroendocrine Carcinoma. Lung Cancer of a rather nasty kind.
The doctor droned on and on about 'possible' treatments, ones that Matt knew probably wouldn't work, until he asked her his prognosis, with and without treatment. With the treatments, if he qualified for them and showed good improvement, was maybe five plus years. It was a treatment, not a cure.
Without the treatment, a year max.
And that was being optimistic.
Guess he should have stopped smoking before he'd started.
He left with another appointment scheduled, one he didn't plan on going to. He had more things to worry about than his bleak outlook. Like how Mello would take the news... once he had to tell him.
Matt knew the blond would find out eventually, it was just the 'when'. There were always so many cases going on... until then he decided to simply deal with it on his own. And that perhaps, was the hardest part.
He didn't smoke any less, as it wouldn't do him any good, maybe give him a few extra days, and he would always smile in an ironic way whenever Mello told him he was going to get cancer from smoking those things.
It had gotten harder to hide the coughing the later it got, and once Mello had nearly caught sight of the blood on his palm, but despite that Matt thought he had done a good job of hiding it. It was hard though, because he knew Mello had begun to worry, starting from the little lapses in Matt's mask, when he slipped up and allowed things like the weight loss to show.
Mello probably thought he had an eating disorder with how much he ate and how skinny he was. He watched his weight as much as he could but it was taking all of his energy to fight the cancer, fight a loosing battle, so whatever he ate was being burned up as quickly as it was put into him.
.
His chest, after nearly another five months, had gotten a heavy feeling to it. Breathing was harder to do, never mind anything strenuous, and Matt knew his time was up for hiding it. Had been up for a while, but Mello had always given him space to come to him on his own time.. only Matt had decided to wait on Mello.
He winced, as Mello finally broke and cornered him one day; Matt just walking out of the bathroom and Mello standing in the doorway. Mello was on edge and looked...defeated? Tired? And worried?
"Matt look... I'm tired of waiting... just... tell me what's going on?"
And Matt had no answer but the truth. He had never felt worse than when Mello's eyes had widened as the information sank in and he had frozen in place only to turn sharply and walk out the door, slamming it behind him.
Matt couldn't blame the blond. He should have probably told him when he'd found out, but the stress would have messed with his work, and Matt knew how important that was to him. It still hurt to be walked out on though.
So he had been surprised when Mello had come back, three hours later, and hugged him in the middle of the hallway. His grip had been tight, but shaky as he called Matt an idiot. It had made him smile.
.
Mello had taken on less and less cases the weaker Matt had gotten. He had once tried apologizing for being a burden only to have Mello slap him in the face and slam his bedroom door, staying in there for the rest of the night. He had yet to figure out what had caused it, but he had since avoided the 'A' word.
Not even when he had collapsed after a dizzy spell, cause by the inability to breath and his heart pounding away in his ears, and Mello had to carry him to bed, where he had stayed for the next day and a half before he could get up.
Or even when he was finally completely bed-ridden with not enough strength to hold himself up, and the pain in his chest as he breathed too great to withstand. He never apologized for those things, and never would.
.
Six months and two weeks. And Matt knew he wouldn't make it to three. Hardly having the will to even eat, the pain eating up his chest made it impossible to do anything. His voice raspy after the coughing, and the bloodied tissues strewn about his small patch of bed.
Mello hardly left him alone, but Matt hadn't minded. Not really. He was good company even if he got chocolate on the bed and got antsy when he didn't do anything for hours on end. But Matt was happy to have him there.
The blond had seemed to know that there wasn't much time, and had been increasingly more morose as the hours, and days went by.
But it wasn't until 'Fuck Matt, you goddamn bastard, I'm in love with you!' had been yelled after Matt making a poor joke of Mello just shooting him to put him out of his misery that Matt had understood why.
He felt the pang of sadness in his chest as Mello stalked off into the other room, not pissed enough to leave despite the obvious sound of something being thrown. It was always Mello who got the short end of the stick. He was the one who would be left behind...
Matt shoved the 'what if's' and 'could have beens' from his mind, not wanting to think about what they could have been to one another, and instead closed his eyes. He would talk to Mello once the blond had cooled off and returned to the bedroom and at least tell him his love wasn't unrequited.
Once Mello got back...
Matt fell asleep with that thought.
-End-
AN: so yeah... he died. Matt never did get to tell him XD
I tried to be as factual as possible, but with the internet as the only resource and conflicting data found on medical site I'm not sure how well I did.
Review?