Ambiguity
By: Aviantei
A Kagerou Project One Shot
[Twelve Shots of Summer 4/12]
Falling just feels so damn good.
It starts out as a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors, then before either of them know it, Shuuya slaps her across the face. It's not a hard hit, exactly, just a tap, really, and it only takes a few seconds before he's apologizing and offering to do the dishes anyway. They kind of laugh it off, and from there, everything's fine.
It still doesn't change the fact that she played scissors.
She never really says anything about it, so Shuuya doesn't really realize what's happened until he sees the bruises lining her skin. He stares at them, remembering what it's like to be covered in wounds caused by someone that you care about. What it's like to lie for them. He remembers all of this, and doesn't stop until she tugs on his sleeve.
"Hey, what are you waiting for?" she asks, every bit of concern loaded up in her voice. "Are you okay? You seem a bit out of it."
Shuuya laughs, waving his hand like it'll chase the uncomfortable memories out of the air. "It's nothing," he says, and forgets it immediately. If there's anyone he's perfected lying to, it's himself. "You ever remember something out of nowhere? That's all it is, unpleasant memories."
"I see." Her lips purse, then they form the tiniest of frowns. It's close to a pout, really, but there's more dissatisfaction in it than that. "You wanna talk about it?"
In reality he's avoiding her eyes but he tosses up quick burst of his powers so she can't tell. "I really don't wanna talk about it," he says. When she keeps giving him the same look, Shuuya makes sure to take the uncertain tone out of his voice. "Come on, I'd rather focus on you," he continues, leaning closer to her face. "That'd make me feel better."
She giggles, pleased. "Alright," she agrees, before she brings their lips together again.
Their lives are peaceful together. Shuuya and his girlfriend go to university, split up for classes, then meet up whenever they can. She hangs onto his arm, smiling as his hand rests on her hip, and they walk around campus. It's better than anything Shuuya could have imagined for himself back in that old apartment, back when he watched his sister willingly fall off the roof.
When it comes to his girlfriend, he wants to do everything for her. They've been dating for five months now, and he figures it's time to do something nice. Shuuya doesn't really know just how far he expects this relationship to go, but he figures he'll take it as far as he can. This time, he doesn't really feel like there's actually a risk of losing her without both parties consenting.
Still, she walks out of the classroom with a few of her other friends, and Shuuya frowns behind his illusions.
"No offense, Shuuya, but you're freaking me out," Tsubomi says over the café table. Shuuya pouts, and his adoptive sister's eyes look between him and his girlfriend. Her gaze finally settles on the latter. Just as suddenly, Tsubomi erupts into a red face and wild hand gestures. "Ah, don't take this the wrong way, but I just never thought of him as the type of guy to settle down, that's all."
As expected, Shuuya's girlfriend only giggles. "Oh, that's fine, Kido-san," she says, a brilliant smile on her face. "To be honest, I didn't think that he'd say 'yes,' either, so I'd say we're equally surprised."
Shuuya feigns taking a physical blow. "You're terrible, Tsubomi!" he teases, stifling a grin. "I can't believe you'd say something like that in front of my girlfriend. What if she gets the wrong idea about me, huh? You haven't changed that habit of acting suspicious at all!"
This time, the attack is real, as Tsubomi twitches and kicks him directly in the shin. The impact rattles the table, causing his girlfriend to steady her tea cup. Still, she ends up laughing anyway. "Oh, I'm so jealous," she comments. "I always wanted siblings."
"Well, they can be nice, but sometimes they're a pain." Shuuya immediately recoils from Tsubomi's glare. "Of course, they don't abandon you no matter what. I don't think I would have made it through a lot of things in my life if it weren't for Tsubomi."
He uses the commotion as an excuse to take his girlfriend's hand before Tsubomi has the chance to notice the bruise on her wrist.
He's five-years-old and his mother is beating him senseless against the kitchen wall.
He's twenty-years-old and he's strangling his girlfriend on his apartment's living room floor on what's supposed to be their five-month anniversary.
Shuuya makes it to the bathroom and slams the door shut, locking it behind him. What he sees in the mirror sickens him, because it's just his reflection staring back at him with the most obnoxious smile on its face. Shuuya knows that face. It's the one he always used to put up to fool everyone, the one that everyone always believed, no matter what.
It's the one that says, Don't cry, I was just joking, okay?
It's the one that says, It's okay, I'm alright.
Shuuya almost punches the mirror, but he doesn't. It wouldn't change anything, when all he really deserves is a real punch to the face. He settles for digging his nails into his arm, and just like that, the illusion shatters, because that's the only thing that can fix it.
Pain is the only thing that reminds him of who he really is.
And who is really is reflected in the mirror, alright. His eyelids are swollen, and this time, it isn't his irises that are red. He definitely ended up crying, and Shuuya presses his back against the opposite wall. The reflection still stays, though, showing off the same terrified kid he's always been, the terrified kid he still is now.
He could have just killed his girlfriend and he's scared and crying? What the hell's wrong with him?
Shuuya ends up running to the cemetery, not even locking his door behind him. Nothing else matters. After all these years, going to the grave marker is still habit, even when the person that it belongs to is actually alive.
It's just one of the many things about himself Shuuya hasn't been able to change.
Besides, he can't go to Ayano in person, anyway. She wouldn't understand. She would try, but she wouldn't be able to manage it. No one could ever manage it. Ayano would end up hating him, and Shuuya wouldn't be able to stand it. So, talking to her grave is easier.
"What do I do, Nee-chan?" he asks, his voice raw from tears. There's no one else in the graveyard at this hour, but he still whispers. "I don't know what happened. I don't know. I just wanted to be happy. After everything, that's all I wanted. So why?"
His voice cracks and Shuuya sheds way too many tears and he will never deserve a single one of them.
He heads to the nearby park and stops in the public restroom.
This time, the reflection in the mirror is his mother.
"Kousuke," Shuuya says, his voice shaking into his cell phone. It's the middle of the night, but it doesn't matter anymore. Kousuke's the only one that Shuuya trusts enough to open up to with everything, and as a result, his adoptive brother knows all of his secrets. "Kousuke, please, listen, I… I…"
"Shuuya?" Kousuke responds, his voice drowsy on the other line. Still, he stifles a yawn. "What is it? What's wrong?"
Shuuya doesn't want to say it out loud. He wants to scream at Kousuke to use his powers to find out, but it doesn't work over phones. If he had the strength to scream about his problems, Shuuya would. Instead, he finds himself near hyperventilation with how much air he's compelled to take in. "I… I… I-IthinkI'mturningintoMom," he rushes out. "I-I just… I don't know, Kousuke, I need help, so please—"
Any signs of sleep are gone when Kousuke speaks again. "Where are you?"
Once Kousuke picks Shuuya up and takes him back to the former's shared house with Marry, Shuuya doesn't have to say anything else. That's the nice thing about Kousuke's power—it conveys everything without having to speak. Still, Kousuke thinks that mind reading is cheating, but Shuuya's glad his adoptive brother is making an exception.
In fact, Shuuya thinks that he and Marry are the only people Kousuke's ever willingly used his power on. Not that it makes him feel any better right now.
Kousuke offers Shuuya the guest bedroom. Shuuya doesn't think that he'd be able to sleep, but he passes out before Kousuke can make him something to drink. He doesn't even dream. He just wakes up when sunlight forces his eyelids open, and when he heads out to the kitchen, Marry's made him breakfast.
Does she know? Shuuya thinks once he notices the red glow of Kousuke's eyes. The taller of the two shakes his head in the negative.
I just told her that you had a bad night and needed help. I figured that you'd want to keep this quiet for a while until we could talk about it.
You got that right, Shuuya thinks, not even meaning to give it as a response.
"Okay," Kousuke says once he's taken Shuuya back to the spare bedroom and asked Marry for some privacy, "I know I read your mind last night, but I still need to ask you some questions, Shuuya."
Shuuya grimaces in response. Kousuke's eyes are back to their usual pale color, which means he's not going to use his power at all. Shuuya understand why, but he doesn't like it. Still, he accepts it because he knows Kousuke isn't going to budge, no matter what.
"Alright," he agrees, even though his heart isn't really into it. "Go ahead."
Kousuke exhales, sounding tired already. Shuuya can't blame him. How much sleep did they even get combined last night? "Do you know what was going through your head when it happened?" he starts out. "I mean, anything. I couldn't really read your emotions too well since your current distress was in the way."
Shuuya frowns and tries to think about it. "I don't know," he honestly admits. "I can't really tell at all. It's all really hazy to me, like it was some giant nightmare, you know?"
Kousuke frowns a little. Shuuya knows it isn't satisfactory, but he doesn't have anything else to give. "Alright, then," he finally allows. "How long has this been going on, then? I couldn't read any of that, either."
Shuuya opens his mouth, because the answer to that is easy. Except just as he goes to say it the words disappear, like they were never there. He searches his memory, but he can't find anything. This has happened before, right? This definitely wasn't a one-time thing. But, but—
Just how long has this been going on, again?
Kousuke's frown carries more concern in it now. "This is a lot more complicated, huh?"
Several days and conversations later, Shuuya hasn't gotten any better. Kousuke decides that it's best to focus on ways to mend his activity, and digs up several anger-management books from Marry's almost library-sized collection. Shuuya almost turns his nose up at them, but Kousuke will know if he doesn't at least try, so he skips his classes and reads them one after another. There's no way to know if they'll work unless he sees his girlfriend, but Kousuke's forbidden that from happening just in case there's another incident, better or worse than the last.
Shuuya doesn't know if anger is his problem. He doesn't understand himself, and he definitely didn't understand his mother back then. All he understood was that people hated her for what she did, and all he wanted to do was keep her safe. A stupid choice, but she was all he had back then.
It's been a week since he left his girlfriend in his apartment. Shuuya wonders how she is, if she misses him at all. At the very least, she didn't call the cops on him. Still, did she end up going to the hospital? Has she been back to school? Did she tell her friends? Is she just planning on forgetting he ever existed, move on and date someone else?
The thought of that makes his stomach collapse and burn all at once.
He goes to Kousuke and Marry's guest bedroom and digs his phone out of the dresser. He turned it off and put it away once Kousuke found him, so when Shuuya turns it on it has most of its battery power left. He navigates to his email, and quickly types out a message to his girlfriend before hitting the send button.
I want to see you.
The mail in progress animation plays on the screen before it's replaced by Ene, her face made of pure rage. "Just what the hell do you think you're doing, huh?!" the cyber-girl screeches. "I can't believe you. You haven't gotten anywhere, and you're trying this shit without Seto-san's permission?!"
A number of realizations hit Shuuya at once. Ene is monitoring his phone, which means that Kousuke told her. They had agreed not to let anyone else know, and Kousuke still did. Shuuya gets that it was to protect him, to protect her, but couldn't he have said something instead of hiding it from him?
Shuuya doesn't hesitate. He navigates through his settings, turning off his data access, Ene trying to stop him and shouting all the way. With much hassle, he finds her data pack and deletes it, forcefully disconnecting her power and sending her consciousness back into her physical body.
Almost happily, his phone alerts him that his message has been sent.
When Kousuke comes home, he's actually angry. Out of all the things Shuuya thought he would never see, Kousuke genuinely angry is one of them.
"What were you thinking?!" Kousuke shouts, causing Marry to flinch back. In a few seconds, the quarter-medusa girl has completely retreated from the room, leaving the two males standing on opposite sides of the couch. "You can't just go and see her. You're not ready!"
Shuuya wants to know just how Kousuke knows that, but he decides to focus on other important aspects for the moment. "No, what were you thinking?" he retorts, just as loud if not louder than his adoptive brother. "Setting Ene on me like a goddamn babysitter? I asked for your help, Kousuke, not for you to treat me like a prisoner."
Shuuya wants Kousuke to understand. He wants his brother to get why he's hurt, because Shuuya thought Kousuke trusted him, even if Shuuya doesn't really trust himself. He wants Kousuke's eyes to turn red and have that moment of communication pass between them without anything having to be said, then they can go and apologize to Marry and have a nice, quiet dinner before getting back to work for the evening.
But it doesn't. Because Kousuke has hardly ever made exceptions to his feelings about his power, and this time Shuuya isn't one of them.
"I just didn't want you to do anything stupid," Kousuke says, and Shuuya knows him well enough that he can see the regret in his brother's eyes. "I didn't want you to or someone else to get hurt."
"Well," Shuuya says, his mouth dry, "it's a bit late for that."
His words are enough to get out of the house without being stopped, and Shuuya uses his powers to get lost in the crowd. He doesn't know if Kousuke's going to give him space or not, but he's not going to take the chance. Right now, all he needs is to get away and be alone again, because that's just what he does whenever something goes wrong.
I thought…I thought I could rely on him.
By the time Shuuya stops at a café near his apartment to take a breather, he has an email waiting, and it's not from Kousuke.
It's from his girlfriend, and instead of the rejection Shuuya's expecting, he gets six little words.
I want to see you, too.
It's only a few hours before they meet up at Shuuya's apartment again. He takes the time to clean up the mess left from the last time he was here, then just lies on the couch. There's nothing else he can do except talk to his girlfriend. That is, if she even still wants to be his girlfriend.
The thought isn't something that Shuuya can handle, and he slaps his hand over his mouth. He doesn't taste the acid of upcoming vomit on his tongue, but he still feels sick anyways. He doesn't know why, either. If she wants to leave him, she has every right to. In fact, it would be better for everyone if she did.
But Shuuya can't convince himself that's true. He wants to keep her around, not to let her leave him for anyone else. It's a sick desire, and this time Shuuya has to sit up to properly breathe. When did he get like this? Really, since when—?
And the doorbell rings and Shuuya can't focus properly so the doorbell rings again so Shuuya forces himself to stand up and head towards the door and purposely stubs his toe against the couch leg just to feel the sting and make sure he's still him but the door opens without him doing anything because his girlfriend is on the other side, the spare key shining between her fingers.
"Hey," she says, probably because she doesn't know what else to say.
"Hey," Shuuya replies, just as weakly, and it's definitely because he just doesn't know.
They're sitting on opposite sides of the couch because Shuuya doesn't trust himself to be right next to her. His girlfriend—because she pouts when he avoids touching her, so he knows she still wants to be close to him—keeps looking at him, but doesn't say anything. They just wait in silence until seven or so minutes pass and then Shuuya has the courage to speak.
"I'm sorry," he finally says, and it's pathetic. "I know that comes nowhere close to making up for what I am, but I'm really sorry. I went and talked to Kousuke and he's helping me. Well, was. We kinda had a falling out but I'm sure we can fix that easy enough. I just want you to know that I'm trying to get better and I figured it was better to tell you in person."
She just sits through his words, playing with an idle strand of her hair. Shuuya remembers what the urge to pull it out by the roots feels like and sits on his hands. "I see," she responds, and almost sounding bored, even though it's probably just the stress that makes it sound that way.
"C-can I ask something?" For the first time Shuuya's voice shakes. His girlfriend nods her approval. Even with her blessing, Shuuya can't bring himself to ask it. To be honest, he's more scared of her response than anything else. "Why didn't you stop me?"
Her eyebrows furrow. "Stop you?" she repeats.
"Yeah, I hurt you." Shuuya pauses when he realizes that's wrong. "I hurt you a lot," he corrects. "I could have seriously injured you. Why didn't you tell me to stop? Why didn't you get someone else to do it? I don't understand what you were thinking."
"Oh, that," his girlfriend says, like she just remembered where she left her spare change. "I just kind of curious about it," she admits, and Shuuya feels part of him go cold. Out of all the things to want to experience… "It was dangerous, yes, but it didn't seem real. To be honest, when it happened, it felt like some far off dream…"
The scary part is that Shuuya understands that. It's easy to treat it like it didn't happen, no matter which side of it you're on. Still, that means that, in the end, the sort of thing that means so much to him is going to disappear, like some wisp of just another dream he can't remember properly.
She scoots closer to him, her hand touching his shoulder. "I know this isn't what I'm supposed to say, but I was kind of in awe," she continues. "I should apologize for saying this, but you really did end up making an impressive monster."
Shuuya thinks about it. After everything—after becoming a liar, after not being able to save Ayano that first time, after everything that could have happened to his family because of him—this, this is it, this is the thing that makes the other people in his life acknowledge what he's known for so long, even sometimes stupidly forgiving Ene, even kind Kousuke.
Shuuya laughs, because it's taken this much for someone else to realize he's a monster.
I am fully aware of the fact that what I just wrote is not okay.
This was written for the Twelve Shots of Summer challenge, the prompt for week four being "betrayal." I decided to use this in a few ways: abuse being a betrayal of expectations of a relationship, and Shuuya's actions being a betrayal of the person he wants to be. Kousuke's telling Ene and Shuuya's girlfriend's reaction were both things that happened out of following the characters.
But, um, if you wanna go read other great one shots that aren't as depressing as this (or wanna try writing them yourself), head on over to the forum! There's lots of great material and people there. If you want a particularly good pick-me-up from this, I'd recommend Amulet Misty's "Anything That's Four-ced."
This was inspired by the fact that children growing up in abusive households usually end up repeating this activity themselves later in life. In terms of canon, I don't think Shuuya would get to this point, but it's interesting to think about.
You can blame "Mono Poisoner" and "Streaming Heart" for additional plot bunnies, as well as the line at the beginning. I was really hoping for a way to get "Having you hate me would be my biggest success yet" into here, but I couldn't figure it out.
I chose to work with an unnamed OC for Shuuya's girlfriend since I didn't feel like any of the canon girls would let this happen to them/not have someone around them notice.
I also wanted to use this piece to go into how close Shuuya and Kousuke are, too. I feel like I accomplished that, and then tore my heart out when I wrote them arguing.
Um, putting all that aside, I'm also participating in Camp NaNoWriMo again. If you're also participating, good luck!
The next prompt is "Symbiosis." I...really have no clue what I'm going to do for this one.
[POST] 070114