Tire Swing
Rated M (Very Mild Adult Situations)
This is a one-off short that fills in a gap between the conversation Callie and Arizona had at April's wedding and the rather sudden signing of papers on the new house. What happened to bring about the move? I've gone back and added existing dialogue from the wedding to bring everyone up to speed so to speak, so it will sound familiar for a while, but hang with it and it will go in a different direction. I hope you enjoy. Please leave feedback if you have the time and inclination.
An uncomfortable ease settled between them as they walked through the gardens toward the wedding venue.
"After this is over, I want to have a toast to celebrate," Callie said excitedly.
"There'll be plenty of toasts," Arizona replied.
"Oh, no, for phase two."
"Ohhh, for your research," Arizona said, a downturn in her tone.
"Well, our research. It's yours, too. You inspired it – I wouldn't be doing it without you," Callie went on, undaunted.
"Okay." The joy now totally missing from Arizona's eyes.
"Are you crying?" Callie asked.
Arizona admitted to it, but passed her tears off as emotion over the upcoming wedding, and Callie didn't push further. Later, when Arizona met up with April who was getting ready to walk down the aisle, Arizona couldn't hold back.
"Callie's trying so hard to forgive me and to take care of me. It's driving me crazy."
"I thought you wanted that," April replied, clearly distracted and wishing – understandably so – that at this particular moment more attention were on herself and not on Callie and Arizona's dirty laundry.
"I do," Arizona shot back without hesitation. "I love her and I want her back and I broke us and I want to fix it, but she wants to fix ME! The reason that I cheated that night was because someone was attracted to me and she never knew me before – she only knew me after – and I was enough for her. And Callie, I mean, she knew me before and she loved me before and now sometimes I feel like I'm not, I'm not…"
"Enough?"' April offered.
"It's not fair," Arizona continued. "It's not fair and it's not her fault. It's not her fault and I hate feeling this way and Callie's…she's trying to fix everything and I'm finally feeling okay the way that I am now, and I'm not sure that Callie will ever make me feel that way." The reality of the harshness of her own words hit her squarely in the heart. She needed distraction. Any distraction to keep her from losing it.
After the wedding that wasn't, Arizona stood in the parking lot, trying frantically to fulfill her bridesmaid duties, organizing gifts and cards and attempting to make things easier on April when the time inevitably came to return them all. Watching as her wife struggled to get the packages matched with their respective cards in the back of their car, Callie moved to calm the frazzled, beautiful blonde.
"Arizona, stop. We will fix it." Callie said, with a reassuring smile she'd given her wife dozens if not hundreds of times since the plane crash.
"No. We won't." Arizona turned toward her wife and felt a flood of emotions unleash. None of them had anything to do with the current conversation. "That's the problem. You've been trying to fix it. Our marriage. You've been trying to fix me and you're so good you're killing yourself just to fix me…"
"You don't have to apologize –" Callie said, misunderstanding.
"I'm NOT! That's the point. Because I'm not the same person I was before and I don't want to apologize and I don't want to be fixed!"
"Whoa whoa…I'm not the same person I was before either but that's not –"
"It's not working and you know it!" Arizona shouted. "You knew it before I did."
"Okay," Callie said with a calm, soft tone. "Can we just go home and sit down and talk about this?"
There was a long pause.
"It's not my home anymore" Arizona replied through tears of resignation.
"Honey, of course it's your home. What are you talking about?" Callie made a move to wrap her arms around her wife, but was rebuffed.
"No, no it's not. Not anymore. I'm not comfortable there. Too much has happened, Callie. Can't you see that? Don't you understand?" Arizona marched around the car, situated herself into the passenger seat, and waited for Callie to get in and turn the ignition.
When she did, the conversation continued. "So you're saying…what…you don't want me to take you back to the home we've shared for years? Suddenly you want me to…to take you to a hotel or something? After all we've been through to get back together? You agreed to come back home. I'm not getting this Arizona. You're going to have to help me out here."
"Evidently," Arizona said flatly. They fell silent for a few moments.
"You know what? Go easy," Callie said as they drove in the general direction of the city. "Telling me what's on your mind hasn't exactly been top priority with you for a long time, and I think we can all agree I'm a pretty shitty mind-reader, because I thought we were at least headed in the right direction. And now you're saying you can't live with me, and – ''
"No! No. See? That's precisely not what I'm saying. Callie, pull over. Pull the damned car over." The brunette did as instructed, in silence.
"Okay. Now, kiss me."
It was the last thing Callie expected to hear.
"And kiss me like you mean it," the blonde said with a look and in a sultry tone that shot to secret places on Callie's body. A fraction of a second later, Callie's lips were sucking her wife's lips softly but urgently, exploring and imploring, tongues meeting and longing, breaking away only when oxygen deprivation became an issue. Callie surprised herself at how much she craved that kiss and how quickly she jumped at Arizona's command. They both needed that connection.
When Arizona's eyes finally reopened, they were glossed over, and she struggled to keep her train of thought as they fell upon the most gorgeous smile. "Calliope. I love you. I'm in love with you. I love our daughter and the life we want to build together. We have so much to work on, but those things I know. You should never doubt any of it. I told you once that none of the rest of it matters, and I was wrong – all of the crap can pile up and get in the way, and it does matter. But only as much as we let it, and I don't want to let it anymore. When we had that talk I could never have imagined that we'd have had to face so many things; literally our lives have been on the line and we've held on somehow. But I need a fresh start. I just can't continue living in a place that holds so many memories for me." Her voice broke off and nearly broke Callie's heart.
Arizona collected herself and went on. "Memories…tied to sickness and death and missteps and mistrust where we're concerned. We're so far beyond that…and I'm beyond who I was then. Part of me died back then. Does that make sense? A new part was also born. A good part, Callie."
Callie was nodding even before Arizona asked the question. "I never really stopped to think about it like that from your view. I mean, I have memories from my perspective and they're hard to deal with sometimes, but you were essentially locked up in that apartment for so long – trapped inside yourself. I feel like an idiot. Yes, it makes sense and I freaking wish we'd talked about this before."
"Me too. I just didn't know how to bring it up. Thought you'd be mad, and we seem to fight a lot easier and more often than we make love."
"Yeah, what the hell is up with that, anyway?" Callie asked. "I'm not half the hot-head people think I am, you know! I'm a lover, not a fighter." Callie nudged her wife in the shoulder playfully.
"I know, and you've had the patience of a Saint and it's been driving me nuts. "But seriously, you've been amazing and I almost couldn't deal because of the guilt I felt. Sometimes I thought it would have been easier if you'd just blown up and let me have it," Arizona said.
"Don't think I didn't have the urge. But then I'd just be the hard-core ortho-bitch who yells at her dimple-goddess, one-legged wife in the cafeteria over fruit-filled lime Jell-O. It'd scare the interns and small children." Something about that made them both lose it, and the laughter was a much-needed release.
"God, I miss us," Arizona said. "I miss us dancing, laughing, playing. Where did we go?"
"We're here, baby. I miss us, too. We've got this. It just takes a little work, together. And I wish we had talked about this because we could have touched on something that ties in that's been on my mind. It's been hard being at the apartment for me, too. As much as I've loved that place, it's also like constantly being surrounded by the sadness of Mark and Lexie being gone. I half expect one of them to come barging in on us when we're – well, you know," Callie caught herself glancing at her wife's breasts as she continued, "the way they had a knack of doing…then I get the saddest twinge when I realize they'll never be back, never see our daughter grow up. I know we'll always have to deal with that, but being open to a new home would give us a break from the daily reminders of living there. So if you're saying you'd like to look for a place together, I'm all in," Callie added.
"That's exactly what I'm saying. Someplace with a tire swing and room to grow, if you know what I mean," answered Arizona. Super-magic smile in full bloom.
"Really?"
"Down the line, who knows? Everyday we're stronger together. We just have to believe in us and –"
"And we have to keep talking. Please, Arizona…please don't shut me out anymore. Please know that I love you so much and that I'm the one who wants you. I want to be the one you turn to, and if you can't, just tell me you need to talk to someone else. I want to be the one you make love to, and if you feel you need to make love to someone else, well, you're never going to, so get that out of your head right now, young lady. Like you once told me after the Mark incident; I'll kick your ass. I need you and love you and I want to be the one who's there for you. Never doubt that I find you sexy as hell now, then, and 40 years from now. You're my always, okay? If anyone would have told me 10 years ago that I would have uttered that sentence to another human being I'd have punched 'em. Crap; maybe I am a hot-head. But anyway, here you are and you take my breath away. Never think otherwise, baby. Our vows meant the world to me; didn't they to you?"
At this point, Callie was a Salvador Dali-esque shaped blob in front of Arizona, as tears threatened to totally obscured her view. She could only reach out and throw her arms around her wife. "Yes…god, yes. Calliope, I love you. I'm so sorry."
"Shh. No more apologies, remember?"
They drove home, looked online for houses in their preferred area, taking into consideration highly rated schools and neighborhoods for Sofia, then set it all aside and made love slowly and deliberately, reconnecting as if they'd found each other after decades apart. They knew this would be a form of closure in the first home they established together, and also that they'd carry with them shadows of the good memories as well as the bad. They'd each be building blocks for their fresh start in their new home, complete with tire swing.
::END::