How Much
"You're so tired. Let me straighten out your shirt, as your chest rises up and down.
I don't get it either, but someday we'll learn how the earth spins round and round."
'How Much' - Meg & Dia
"You look like shit."
Haru felt his hand fall from the battered wooden door, smiling sadly at the cat as he was ushered into the older man's apartment. He welcomed the warmth that seemed to radiate from the place. There wasn't nearly as much space as Yuki and Tohru's flat, or the duplex that the ox shared with Momiji, but it felt more like home than any of those empty spaces ever could. What with its constant tidiness, and the aroma of freshly cooked meals that always seemed to hang in the air.
He could feel himself being layed onto the single, fluffy couch that sat crammed between the bookcase and the soon-to-be computer desk (as soon as Kyo saved up enough money to get a computer, which was somewhere under "pay rent" and "college tuition" on his to-do list). His eyes slid closed as the cat eased him out of his jacket and smoothed the wrinkles out of his crumpled shirt.
"I don't see why you let yourself get like this."
Kyo's usually gruff voice spoke rather softly; oddly enough, the most soothing sound Haru was sure he had ever heard.
'Like what?' He felt like asking. 'Broken? Rejected?'
But he couldn't get his voice to work.
"-I know you have an umbrella. Ayame bought you that ridiculous frilly one for your birthday last year."
He was soaked, of course. When had it started raining? Why hadn't he noticed it pouring down on him?
Before he could think too much about it, the orange haired man's body heat was gone, and he felt himself slumping against the comfort of the couch pillows. He cracked an eye open, watching as the light glinted off of the puddle he'd created on the otherwise clean hardwood floor. The padding of the cat's feet was nearly inaudible over the sound of his own breathing. He barely noticed the blanket, as it was draped gently over his shoulders, or the feeling of a towel being worked through his dripping hair.
"You're a mess. You know that, right?"
The ox almost moaned at the feeling of the older man massaging his scalp through the towel.
"I'm sorry."
He drew out softly after some time had passed. The cat's fingers paused at his words. He was answered with a short growl; whether from mere annoyance or actual anger, Haru's clouded mind couldn't be sure. Those heavenly fingers were then pulled curtly from his hair, as the cat's flustered voice answered,
"Don't apologize for being a mess, stupid."
Momentarily, he wondered if the damp towel had intentionally been left on his head, but he decided to disregard it for the time being. The next few minutes were spent in what should have been an awkward silence, but to Haru was a half-awake bliss. The feline's breathing was even and quiet, although the black and white haired man liked to imagine that his cheeks were painted crimson with embarrassment.
"Why do you let her do this to you?"
Kyo's voice seemed to shatter the silence, and Haru felt his heart squeeze at the meaning behind the twenty-one year old's words. He was, of course, referencing Rin, and the strain that she caused in their on-again off-again relationship. Kyo had once angrily mentioned that the horse left every other month, leaving a broken Haru to pick up the pieces.
..and he was right.
The cat just didn't know the black haired girl like he did, he had reasoned. Rin had lived through a trauma, she couldn't be held responsible for her feelings of contempt towards love and relationships.
"I had a shitty childhood too,"
Kyo had countered, a strange look in his crimson eyes.
"but I wouldn't leave you like that."
The subject had then been dropped, and Haru realized that he hadn't even thought of the event until now. At that time, the statement had seemed harmless, but now he wondered what meaning Kyo could have been hiding behind his words. Did the older man know something that he didn't?.. Or was exhaustion just making him paranoid?
Regardless, he chose not to answer the cat's current question, opting instead to pull the towel from his head and smooth a few stray strands of hair from his eyes. He watched as Kyo suddenly rose from his kneeling position in front of the couch and sat gracefully a few inches from the top of his head.
They stayed that way for awhile. Though this time, it felt like hours as he waited for the cat to speak, to chide him for always going back to a girl who obviously didn't love him, or finally ask why he always came to him for comfort, instead of Yuki or Momijiji, or even Tohru. He dredded the latter. Not because the answer was too complicated or personal, but because he didn't know.
It was as much of a mystery as why he found the cat's home so much more comfortable than his own, or why he felt like crying when those talented tan fingers were taken from his hair.
This thought fueled him to rise from the cushions where he was slumped and pull himself forward slightly so that his head rested on the -now shocked and embarrassed- older man's lap. He bit back a groan as, by the grace of God himself, Kyo's fingers found their way back into his tangled strands of black and white hair.
It took everything in Haru not to moan out loud, the soothing feeling of relaxation hitting him once the others fingers practically petted him. Now, in normal circumstance, he would be curious, even annoyed, to find that he didn't know exactly why the cat's skin excited him so. But, being in his half-dead state of peace, he barely noticed his reaction.
"You truly are a stupid cow."
Haru snapped out of his stupor to glance at the older man, dull grey meeting furious crimson.
"Do you love her?"
The younger man's eyes widened in surprise, not only because the question, no matter how relevant it was, seemed so sudden, but because he actually found himself hesitating to answer. How odd. With anyone else, Haru wouldn't need to think twice about the answer, obviously responding with a 'yes'. Yet, there was something in the other's eyes that demanded the truth. And Haru didn't dare lie to the cat.
"I-I," he couldn't help but stumble, trying to get the words out.
"I'm sorry."
He needed to answer honestly, give a fulfilling answer to the orange-haired teen, but all he could say was I'm sorry? -A phrase he had been using a lot lately. Old habits died hard, he supposed.
Sighing, he slowly turned his head slightly, just enough to glance at Kyou's response to his hypothetical 'answer'. He didn't like what he saw.
The cat's eyebrows scrunched up in annoyance, lips –that caught Haru's attention right away, unknown to him- curled downward. He thought he could hear a faint growling noise coming from the back of Kyou's throat.
Though, out of all the horrid ways Kyou showed his feelings on his face, the cow decided that he's eyes were the scariest. Blood red, narrowed and seething, and was that the first signs of a tear, Haru saw.
"I didn't ask you if you were sorry, you fucked up cow. I asked you if you loved her. And if you can't-"
the voice cracked.
"If you can't even answer that properly, to me of all people, then maybe you just might be as stupid as everyone says."
Haru stayed silent, not daring to explain his reasoning, even though he didn't even truly understand it himself. He stayed quiet.
But that didn't mean it didn't fucking hurt.
His heart was throbbing in pain now, painfully throbs, like someone stabbing and twisting a knife in him. Twisting and burning. He was burning. Luckily, he wasn't the only one who noticed.
"You damn cow, going ahead and getting yourself sick."
He heard a soft sigh coming from above him, before feeling his head, like a dead weight, being lifted from him comfortable place on the other's lap into sitting position. Kyou, then, leaned in to get a good look at him. It was then, ironically, that Haru got a good look at the cat for the first time he entered the cozy home. But he quickly –just like looking at him angry- regretted that too.
The orange-haired male looked a little on the pale side, like just getting over a cold. Light on his tan skin, but still visible dark circles lay under those crimson eyes, no doubt the effect of late night conversations on the phone with Haru when the younger just wanted to hear the other's voice. Yet, almost as much as he hated to admit it, the eyes didn't really change. They were still full of anger, dulled but still present, and something that looked like pain floated around in them.
"I'm fine-"
Haru was about to say when his body, probably pissed at him from all the stress, decided it would be a wonderful time to sneeze. Kyou jumped back in surprise and nearly fell off the couch.
"You sure don't sound fine."
Muttered the older boy, unable to help the small smile that began to grace his lips. His voice became relatively softer, but Haru was sure he could still hear the usually gruffness in it. Unable to contain himself, be pulled the smaller one into a hug, successfully startling him.
"Uh, Haru?"
"Hm?"
he hummed in acknowledgment.
"What are you doing?"
"Giving you a hug."
"No shit, Sherlock."
Haru heard Kyou's sharp intake of breathe and let it out slowly. It felt good. Kyou's hot breathe on his neck, sending shivers of pleasure down his spine.
"Thank you, Kyo. Really."
The cat's face was then hot against his own, and regardless of how much he wanted to stay like that forever, he pulled away, pushing himself from the couch and standing shakily.
"You don't have to go, you know."
Kyo's words were nonchalant from the sheer amount of times they'd went through the routine: Haru would wander in, broken and sick to his stomach about one thing or another, and Kyo would let him in. He'd stay for maybe twenty minutes to and hour, and leave just as abruptly as he had come. There was no stopping him, Kyo knew, and his offer hung heavy in the air.
This time, however, Haru's face held such a pensive look that the cat wondered if he would actually consider staying.
The ox smiled softly, leaning down to the cat's level and looking him in the eyes. A pale hand came to rest against his cheek.
"I appreciate you very much, kitten."
He then leaned forward, pressing his lips gently to the cat's forehead, and to Kyo, in what seemed like microseconds later, he was already out the door.
He scoffed.
"A truly stupid cow."
The blush coloring his cheeks, however, was undeniable.
Fin.
–
I wrote this a loooong time ago, with the help of Something So Simple. She did a very good job, didn't she? (fyi, she wrote the parts in which Kyo was spelled "Kyou")
I feel like my parts came out kind of bland, while her's were more interesting..
Hmm..
Reviews are appreciated!