A/N: First story in the Brickroad Challenge. I may add a chapter or two to this. We'll see what everyone thinks.

It's Better to Have Loved and Lost

Chapter One

"Chuck, how many times do I have to tell you? We have to make this look convincing. I'm sorry if you're uncomfortable in this situation but you have to get use to it. It's a requirement for the job," I say looking at him from my side of the bed.

"I get that Sarah, but do we have to wear so little to bed?" Can't we wear pajamas?"

"This is our honeymoon Chuck. Carlson is liable to have people burst into our room. Do you really think we will be able to convince him we're on our honeymoon if we're in flannel?"

He looks into my eyes the whole time which I appreciate because with just a quick glance down there is a lot of me to see that he's never seen before. I pull the sheet up a little to try to cover me.

He's silent as he continues to stare at me. "It's just that this is hard for me."

I swallow the lump in my throat. "I know, it's hard for me too," I say putting it off to the nudity. I hope he lets me deflect this topic that he has broached with more and more frequency. No such luck for me though.

"Sarah, that's not what I'm talking about and you know it."

"Chuck…now's not the time. We've got a job to do." I know that will shut him up…for now. But this conversation will come to a head.

I've turned to lie on my back now staring at the ceiling. Without looking, I know that Chuck is doing the same thing.

Sarah, there is only one thing to do in this situation. He's starting to wear you down. Before you know it, you will be telling him that you care for him but it's against the rules. Then you will say that you have to keep the relationship a secret. You know how that will eventually play itself out. There is only one thing to do here. He's painted you in a corner, and now is the time to act, as soon as this mission is over.

I turn to look at Chuck who is still staring at the ceiling.

I'm missing him already.

With my head propped up on my arm, my elbow resting on my pillows, I soften my voice. "However this turns out, I want you to know that these nine months have been wonderful."

I shouldn't have said that. Chuck knows that something is up now.

"What are you talking about, 'however this turns out?" he says with a hint of anger in his voice. He grabs my arm at the shoulder, not aware that his forearm was touching my breast.

But I am aware of it.

I had been very careful in the past as I knew that Chuck had begun to grow on me. I stay away from situations that may tend to get out of hand. One thing we're taught at the CIA is to recognize the situation and know when to avoid a potential occurrence that you may not be able to control.

That time had just passed.

My breathing started to quicken, my eyes were closed as I felt his skin against mine. When I open my eyes, I'm staring into his.

Somewhere in the deepest recess of my mind, that part of me that could still think logically, I know is screaming to stop. But that voice was a tear drop in the ocean. Because at this moment, this modicum of time. I want one thing more than I've ever wanted anything in my life. If I had the ability to think with the training I had received and use rational thought I would have stopped what is about to happen. I would try to laugh it off or tell Chuck to get a cold shower. Something. But the fact is I don't have that ability. I don't even want that ability. With my desire for the man lying almost nude in the bed beside me drowning out every other thought I have I practically jump on him, my lips meeting his hungrily as we try to press our bodies ever closer together.

The first sensation that I am aware of is how good Chuck feels to me. Not just his hands but at ever juncture of our bodies, I can feel the pleasure of the touch of his skin on mine.

As our need becomes more urgent, we position ourselves to complete the mission. Chuck finally begins to scratch my itch. My God, this feels good. I've had sex before. There was Troy in high school, there was Joe in college and there was Bryce in the CIA. Then there were the actual missions. Some of the missions I actually enjoyed. But none of them compared to this.

Chuck has rolled on top of me. "Sarah, you're so beautiful, you feel so good to me," he said in the throws of ecstasy.

I suddenly am aware of how loud I'm screaming. "God don't stop," I heard myself saying.

Finally…it was over and he rolled onto his side of the bed. I am afraid to look at him. My god, what have I just done. I can't believe I could do something this stupid, this unprofessional.

I take a few seconds to think back to just how great that was. It was unbelievable.

"Sarah, that was…was…I have no words, except to say that I love you."

Oh my God. What am I going to say to him now? Well you sure were a good-.

"Chuck, we've got to talk. This was a mis-"

"Don't you dare say that."

He looked at me with such pain in his eyes. I can't help but feel sorry for him. Not five minutes ago he was finally doing what he had dreamed about doing probably since we first met. And now. I'm telling him this is a mistake.

I'm feeling so guilty. Guilty for breaking his heart right now. Guilty for making love to him in the first place. I just can't believe I let this happen.

"Tell me one thing Sarah." He waits for me to look at him.

I know he's not going to continue until I do. When my eyes meet his it takes my breath away. I'm not sure what is happening and I sure don't understand why Chuck is having this impact on me.

"If you can tell me that what we just did means nothing to you…then I will never say another word about how I feel. I will never press you to be more than just a colleague. Because if that meant nothing to you…you're not who I think you are and you're not who I want."

If my heart could cry it would cry a river. Chuck has just presented me with a path out of this predicament I've found myself in. But in order to take it, I have to become someone he…I don't even know how to put the concept into words. Someone that means nothing to him I suppose.

"Chuck, what we have…our jobs I mean. They make everything…complicated."

"It's a simple question, Sarah. Does the fact that we just made love have any significance to you whatsoever?"

I know what I have to do. It's just that I don't think I can bear to do it. Sure, I can leave at four in the morning and never looking back. That's what I had just planned to do not more than thirty minutes ago. I know I could forever wonder how Chuck's life turned out. But that way I would never have to actually look into his eyes as he condemns me. I would never have to see him move on. I would never have to watch as he falls out of love with me knowing the whole time that I love him. Sometimes I really hate my job.

"It was great sex Chuck."