Harry Loves, Therefore He Eats
Note: Thank you genevieveyoung for being my Beta. You have been a great help.
Warning: The character in this story has PTSD and a Eating disorder.
Disclaimer: Everything you recognize belongs to J.K. Rowling. I am just enjoying her magical world.
Hedwig flew into the abandoned classroom with a package of food. Harry was in the classroom with the windows and doors shut. He did this whenever he was depressed and wanted some alone time. He rotated classrooms, hoping no one would find him. Even so, he knew that Hedwig would always find him. He felt safer that way.
Right then, Harry was thinking about his godfather, Sirius. Sirius had died at the end of the previous school year while protecting Harry from an attack by his deranged Death Eater cousin, Bellatrix. Harry was weighed down by guilt due to thoughts that it was his fault that Sirius had been killed.
Hedwig knew it wasn't a matter of whose fault it was, but a matter of love. Love was everything. And Sirius had given up his life to protect Harry all in the name of Love. Hedwig knew that she would do the same.
Love was the reason she was here right now.
She was here to feed Harry.
Harry did not like to eat. He hated it. Harry had spent so many years surviving on little to no food when he was living with the Dursleys, that he got used to eating very little. He would be punished for trying to sneak food, and watching Uncle Vernon and Dudley overindulge and waste food turned his stomach.
Only his beloved friends could get Harry to eat. Ron, Hermione, Madam Pomfrey, Dobby, Crookshanks, and Hedwig. The humans found that if they gave packages of food to either Crookshanks or Hedwig, Harry was more likely to eat. He didn't feel judged and scrutinized when the animals watched him eat. And they made sure he ate.
Harry had a hard time digesting large portions of rich foods due to years of neglect and punishment, so everyone made sure he was given gentle foods and small portions.
His devoted friends worked together to feed Harry. The humans would help plan out Harry's meal for the day. Madam Pomfrey would supply a stomach soother and a nutrition potion. Ron and Hermione would collaborate with Dobby, and Dobby would oversee the other House Elves on the food's preparation. The elves also cared for Harry and did not want him to starve.
Madam Pomfrey was a nurse. She cared for all of her students, but Harry had a special place in her heart. With Harry, she felt like a mother, and with the other students, a caregiver. At first, Harry only came to the Hospital Wing because he was hurt, but after a while he came to see her every day. They would have deep conversations, some of them very serious and others lighthearted. She knew Harry was abused but there wasn't anything she could do about it. She complained to Dumbledore, but unfortunately, he was unable to do anything. He was Harry's magical guardian and was in charge of Harry's protection. He told her the wards at Harry's aunt's house were there to keep Harry safe. 'Not safe from his terrible relatives!' Pomfrey had yelled. Dumbledore couldn't come up with a reply. So, now she helped Harry in any way she could. When Hogwarts started each year, she would take him to the Hospital Wing and give him the treatment that he needed. She would fix broken bones, repair sprains, and give him any needed potions. During the year, she would consistently deliver potions to help him develop an appetite. She loved him very much and did not want him to suffer. Nor, did she want him to die.
Ron was one of Harry's best friends. They met on the train to Hogwarts first year and quickly became inseparable. At the beginning of the Tri-Wizard Tournament in fourth year, Ron had abandoned Harry due to jealousy. He later regretted it. He never wanted to leave Harry Potter alone again. He made it his job to have his friend's back no matter what. Whether it was being a comforting ear, an ally fighting against the Death Eaters, or making sure he ate.
Hermione was also Harry's best friend. They met while fighting a troll and the duo of Harry and Ron soon became the trio of Harry, Ron, and Hermione. Their peers and teachers were so used to the three being inseparable, that everyone treated them like one entity. If one was without the other two, the Slytherins would become suspicious and the other members of the school felt concerned. Harry was like one of Hermione's limbs; he was part of her. She did not want him to hurt. She made sure he ate.
Dobby felt that he was eternally in Harry's debt after the boy had helped him escape the Malfoy's servitude. Being set free meant Dobby could be happy. He could enjoy the simple things in life, such as new and colorful clothes. He knew that Harry Potter was treated like a House Elf at the Dursleys and what it was like to have to recover from the wounds of abuse. He devoted his life to caring for the first human to show him any empathy. Dobby knew there were things Harry Potter couldn't do on his own. He couldn't eat without his friends. Dobby was his friend, so he helped Harry eat.
The Hogwarts House Elves were bound to the school. They were there to provide for the students and the staff, but there were some humans they preferred over others. Very few wizards and witches treated them kindly and took their feelings into account. Harry Potter was one of the few. Perhaps because Harry knew what it was like to be treated like a slave. He was treated as such by the Dursleys. They knew what it was liked to be abused and to be used as scapegoats. They knew what it was like to be lonely. The House Elves shared a bond with Harry Potter and would take care of him in any capacity they were able. They could not save him from his slavery, they had no power over their own lives, but they were in charge of the kitchens. They could make him food and make sure he lived.
Crookshanks fed Harry when Hedwig wasn't around. He saw how much Hermione and Hedwig loved Harry, so he did whatever he could to help them take care of the boy. Crookshanks knew Harry was Hedwig's human, and that she took her job as guardian and protector very seriously. He did the same for his Hermione. He wouldn't let them down.
Hedwig was raised in Eeylops Owl Emporium and bought by a half-giant named Hagrid. When she was purchased she did not know for what purpose. Would she be the only owl or live with a large flock? Would she work for a shop or the ministry? A school or the owl post? A family or just an individual? When she met Harry, she knew what her purposed was. It was to be his family. Hedwig knew that Harry was a victim. She would become his care giver, his protector, a listening ear and a comforter. Harry could not eat on his own, just like an owlet could not. When Hedwig laid eyes on Harry, he became her owlet.
The door and windows to the room were closed. This made Harry feel safer. Humans couldn't apparate into Hogwarts, but owls could. It was not a well-known fact about their species. They could not do it on a whim, only to protect themselves or those they loved. Hedwig could apparate into the classroom for Harry because his life depended on her. He was her owlet and he needed to be fed.
When Hedwig entered the classroom, she could see Harry sitting at a desk, staring blankly out of a window. His eyes were glazed and he was not moving.
Hedwig flew over to a desk next to her human and placed the basket of food down. She then flew over to Harry and continued to hover. She hooted to get his attention. She had found that when he was in this state it was best not to startle him. Harry spent his life in survival mode and reacted by instinct when his body thought it was in danger.
Harry blinked, but continued to stare.
Hedwig landed on Harry's shoulder and tugged gently on his hair. As Harry continued to stare out the window, he slowly moved his hand up and stroked Hedwig's feathers. They stayed like this for a long while.
Harry finally spoke. "Okay Hedwig. It's that time again."
Hedwig lifted off his shoulder and landed onto the desk with the basket. She nudged it with her beak.
As Harry pulled the basket toward him, Hedwig turned around on the desk and opened her wings. She stood on alert; ready to defend. She would be his barrier from the outside world.
The basket contained a handful of small packages. Each of them were color coded so Harry knew what to eat first. He pulled out the white package; it was the stomach soother. He un-corked it, made a face, and gulped it down.
Harry closed his eyes and waited for it to settle.
Eating took a lot of effort. Most people looked forward to eating. The smells drew them in, their mouths watering and their stomachs grumbling, demanding to be filled.
Harry's body was different.
His mouth would become dry and his throat would tighten. His first instinct was to wretch, his stomach clenching dangerously. His senses would tell him that he was in danger. He would think that his food would be stolen away from him, and that he would be beaten and starved once again. Even though the Dursley's could not get into Hogwarts, they invaded his thoughts the most. His body was attuned to defending against them and was always on the watch. Being on high alert also made him paranoid. He would imagine that they somehow snuck into Hogwarts to inflict their sadistic pain. Or he was convinced that some vindictive magical creature he was unaware of would apparate in and attack him. The sounds of the staff members and his fellow students walking by his hiding place also set him on edge. For him, eating was traumatic.
Eating took a great deal of willpower. It took trial and error. It took planning and the support of his close friends. It took someone close to him to watch over him as he ate. He needed his Hedwig. The one he trusted with all his soul. She was always there for him, standing guard over him and keeping him safe.
Eating was something he could not do alone.
After a while, he unwrapped the light yellow and the light green packages. They contained a nutrition potion and a muffin. He slowly sipped the potion, and every once in a while, he would take a bite of muffin. It was pumpkin and loaded with seeds, nuts, and dried fruits.
He loathed it.
Not because it was healthy, but because it was food. He loathed not being able to eat. Not being able to do this on his own. The texture and the smell made his stomach turn. The stickiness of the glaze made him nauseated. That eating was so easy for everyone else made him feel like he was broken somehow.
It didn't matter if other people thought that food was delicious; food was all the same to him. He took no joy in eating. He did it to survive and to show his friends that he cared for them. That he loved them as much as they loved him.
Love was powerful. His mother's love had kept him safe, as had his Godfather's. But love could be painful, especially when torn abruptly away. They had both died protecting Harry, loving him enough to die to keep him safe. Love involved sacrifice, life, duty, devotion.
His friends loved him, so they worked together to keep Harry alive. They were his support during the toughest of times. They fought for him, planned for him, guarded him. They made him feel safe.
As much as they loved him, Harry loved them back just a much. And because of how much Harry loved them, he continued to eat.