Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters, setting and I make no profit from them.
Summary: When Jack isn't certain about something, he thinks about it over and over again.
Think About It
What do I think of him now? Well, I don't quite know. And I don't like that. I like firm opinions, I don't like not knowing. I like to know and when I can't form my own opinion of something or in this case, someone I never stop thinking about that or them.
There are some things I do know and those things are very clear. He lost Rose, I know that. I can see how he feels about that too. He misses her, I miss her. He loved her, I think. You see, I've been pondered that now because I can't tell if he did or not. I don't know if she meant so much to him as a friend that losing her was so painful or if he loved her and the pain was equal if not more. I can't tell, so I think about it ... a lot. I haven't an opinion on that but I hoped he loved her. It's very clear that she loved him. Rose loved him so much she'd never let him travel on his own again, she was quite ready to go wherever he went when I first met them.
Sometimes I wonder what the Master meant to him as well. He was distraught at losing the last of his kind again. For years – and I mean hundreds of thousands of years – he'd thought he was the last and then he found he wasn't. That's a big improvement for someone as lonely as he, it's a huge improvement. Was he hoping that he and the Master could travel together for the rest of time until they both eventually died? Even in the end he was upset when the Master died, even after all that pain and devastation the Master caused. Even after all that he held the other Time Lord in his arms as he died. It just shows - blood is thick. A connection with someone who caused so much death and destruction can still be strong. No matter how much he hated the Master, he still cared deeply. He was the last of his kind, until the Master came along, then suddenly he wasn't alone anymore and he was willing to hang onto that until he lost everything else. He offered the Master something else, he offered and when it was flung back in his face he still cared that he and the Master were the only ones left. But he's alone again.
Torchwood needs me, I know that. I need Torchwood, I need Ianto, I need Gwen, I need Tosh and for some strange reason I need Owen. But that doesn't stop me wondering whether going with him would have been the better choice. I know Martha left him in the end; she had a family to regroup, a family who knew what happened during that long, long year. I respect her for making a decision and choosing. I do think she loved him but not in the same way Rose did. Rose loved him truly; Martha loved what he could give her. He gave her adventure and excitement and she loved that. Her family need her; they need Martha like I need Torchwood. Little do my team know but they're the only family I've got. Family is important.
Maybe we'd be good together. He lost the only family he'd ever had. The blow must have been hard since he'd thought that he didn't have anyone left in the first place. He lost Rose then he lost the Master and became the last of his kind once again. I don't have a family anymore. In the time I'm in now I don't have a family yet, I shouldn't even be alive now. It's a funny thing but I think he and I need each other. And because I'm not sure if it would be the best thing and I'm unsure, I think about it a lot. But it always comes back to the same thing; Torchwood and my team.
Yes we'd fit together. I can't die and when he does he comes back to life. He's got brains and I've got a certain amount of brawn. I know a thing or two about time travelling, he's the obvious genius at it though but I get it and I know it. And I quite fancy him. If those actions and glances I saw between him and the Master, I know he swings either way. The Master, was their more between them than just a consistent rivalry and supposed hatred? Those looks they gave each other certainly implied that. Maybe he just wanted the Master because he was the last and together they were the last of their kind. It would be a tight companionship. But I think I only noticed those things because I might have more than just friendship in mind with him. He gave me a choice though; he asked if I wanted to come with him.
Torchwood. It was my first thought and it kept me in Cardiff. I couldn't leave them, I couldn't. In that long year chained up for the Master's amusement and most likely his safety, I thought as much about Ianto as I did about him. And I choose long before that I'd go back to Torchwood once I got out of that mess. They needed me and I needed them and I wanted Ianto even more than I wanted to stay with him and keep him company, stop him from getting too lonely, you know?
I choose four people over one because I know he'll find someone else. He always does. There is something I don't want to know. I don't want to know how quickly he swayed Martha into travelling with him after he'd lost Rose. I don't want to know that so I don't think about it, well, not much. Subconsciously I know he'll find someone else and that the humans he takes with him for company will never really amount to Rose or anyone he's had before.
But I also know that the Doctor will always be lonely. Being out of your time does that to you. There's some big gap that's hard to fill. For me I don't know what that really is but I know what it is for the Doctor. He has no one else left. At least I know that the human race keeps going and going, and I saw the end but still we kept going! He'll always be lonely because he's the last, now he's the last. He'll always be the last.
Yes I do love him. But there's someone I love more, at least I think I do and until I know I'll keep thinking about it. I'll be certain soon. Another thing I'm certain of is that if he ever needs me again, he'll find me. Maybe someday I'll see him again, maybe even Rose too.
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