"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment." —Buddha

Part One, The Sun

Long legs and a confident stride moved Commander Shepard smoothly through the undercurrents of the chaotic movement around him. The general noise of the Citadel docks. The weeping, lost, and angry voices of a half-dozen species faded when his sharp eyes found the object of his search. After an hour of searching the skipper of the SR-2 Normandy, found Major Alenko at the far end of the dock staring out at the stars. With an unprofessional heart pounding gulp of air, Commander Shepard halted a few feet behind Major Kaidan Alenko.

"One of these days you'll have to tell me what you're looking for out there."

When Kaidan didn't turn around, Shepard took the opportunity to admire the shapely lines of the Marine's compact athletic body. When he did allow himself to admire the broad shoulders and tapering waist, Shepard forgot everything. The life and death issues of the Reapers, Earth, Palaven, Thessia and the high probability of his early death, overlooked in the swirling confusing emotions of his attraction toward this young man. A long time since he'd been with anyone, the blood drained out of his head while he thought about how warm that olive skin might be in his hands. The taste of that spot where the tiniest bit of chest hair peeked defiantly from the small opening of his collar. The hip canted toward Shepard while Kaidan leaned against the railing took his brain to a place far away from duty. The tight curves of the Marine's buttocks made his fingers curl with a longing he could hardly contain. Did he have tan lines? Body hair? Boxers? No, couldn't be boxers, not with the uniform and the armor. No, something snug.

Shepard closed his eyes.

When his right hand reached out involuntarily, Shepard's eyes snapped open. No matter how long they'd known each other, it wouldn't do to get caught lusting after Kaidan Alenko. If just once he could touch him. Actually touch him, not by carrying the mortally wounded Kaidan back to the ship or dragging him off another battlefield. A moment. That's all he asked for, and he promised himself he would be satisfied with that. Just a fragment of time to allow his fingers to stroke the beard stubble on Kaidan's cheek. Open his collar and bury his nose in the firm line of Kaidan's jaw. Enough privacy to show Kaidan how he felt and rest in the indomitable power of Kaidan's embrace.

If this fantasy ever happened, Kaidan would quickly understand just how Shepard felt about him. Then Kaidan, with a flash of biotics, would toss him against a bulkhead, rip his clothes off, and take him…Fuck! Shepard forced himself away from thoughts of the Marine and sucked in a breath to calm himself. There wasn't and there never would be time for them. He had nothing to give this beautiful, gentle soul. Much easier to be the hard ass CO, and behave as if he didn't care. But he did care. It wouldn't be right to carelessly share his feelings with Kaidan only to abandon him when this was all over. How's that working for you so far, Shepard?

Their troubled past ought to make things easier for him to shake off this damn crush. Shepard had no trouble remembering Horizon when Kaidan said those hateful words questioning his loyalties. On Mars, when Kaidan doubted him. Shepard had understood both times the depth of Kaidan's disillusionment. Angry with Kaidan? Yes. What Shepard knew about the Marine was when he felt hurt or misunderstood he tended to lash out. Kaidan was a complicated and thoughtful man, and it was a side he allowed few people to see. That he got this about Kaidan Alenko only added more fuel to his need for the man. Shepard wouldn't ask for romance or tenderness that was for teenagers. He needed someone else to take charge, to be there when he woke sweating and trembling from those nightmares and fuck him until he couldn't walk. Then he'd spend a week staring into those turbulent brown eyes, while he figured out ways to sooth the Marine's complicated and troubled spirit.

A shadow and breath, like a warm spring day in Vancouver with the tang of ocean salt and the evergreen scent of pines, floated across his cheek. Long capable fingers spread over his shoulder.

"Are you alright, Shepard?"

"Don't touch me," Shepard hissed, pushing himself away from Alenko to cover these thoughts and body's reactions.

The Marine snapped to attention, "Apologies, sir. My familiarity was inappropriate. I only meant to offer assistance."

"Forget it, Kaidan. Push back in three hours. Report to the ship, ASAP."

"Aye, sir."

Before Kaidan could turn those caramel colored eyes on him, Shepard spun an about-face and headed back to the ship. No, the hell with that. He needed some air. Needed to put space between the Marine and his raging libido. Figure out how to stop reacting like a teenager around him. There was some stuff at the apartment, he'd pick that up, and then head back to the ship. The cold and empty the apartment suited his mood but did nothing to calm his needs. He wandered from room to room. A bedroom at the end of the hallway beckoned him. This is where Kaidan had spent the night…alone. What a stupid waste of time. Everyone else paired off. It was the moment when he watched James and Ashly sneak away. Then Garrus and Tali left the party arm in arm that sent him to his room alone. He told the bottle of single malt scotch that it was better this way. His crew would need each other when this was all over. He shouldn't and wouldn't interfere.

Shepard entered the shadowed room, crossed to the bed and sat down. He could do this. He's Commander—fucking—Shepard isn't he? If only he could turn off these useless human needs. He was running out of time.

Timeout. Time over. Time to die.

Shepard fell back on the bed. If he wished hard enough, maybe Kaidan would appear. Magically, right there, kneeling between his knees. Shepard squeezed the mound beneath his clothes, willing it to go away while images of Kaidan's mouth taking him deep flickered against his eyelids. He was about to give in to the need to open his clothes when his Omni-tool went off. Shepard tore it off his wrist. It landed on the other side of the room. His mother's—Admiral Hannah Shepard—voice echoed off the walls.

"John? Merry Christmas, John. One of these days, we'll spend the holidays together, and that's a promise. Have to go now."

The cavernous apartment closed in on him, the walls, the rushing water in the fountain, the hum of appliances. The whole place filled with luxuries, technology, and conveniences. For what? Shepard rolled himself off the bed to retrieve his Omni-tool when his eyes caught sight of an open bag laying under a desk. On top of the bag was an antique leather book. John's hands had found it before his brain made him stop. Desire filled him again at the words on the vellum pages. He forced himself to slow down and focus on the familiar square handwriting. Ignoring the lust did nothing to still his pounding heart. Shepard pushed it away and began to read with a white-knuckled grip on the leather.

Kaidan Alenko 2186

It's October and the holidays are coming up. I wish I could spend them in Vancouver. Well, I am in Vancouver but for different reasons. I miss the holidays, the winter evenings, and the scent of evergreens, mom's cooking, and the quiet family times. The Marines are my family and have been for a long time now.

A new billet and a promotion to Major greeted me when I arrived here. I'm back on the Normandy. I'm also commanding the First Special Operations Biotic Company. With my direction, I think we can achieve good things. If that sounds arrogant, it's just my experience talking. As a biotic myself, I know how difficult that life can be and I'm confident I can help.

We're running out of time. Things are terrible now for Earth and the other Citadel races. Yet, I'm happy and thankful to be back aboard the Normandy. She's a beautiful ship commanded by the man I love. John Shepard, handsome, bold, and courageous. How can I love a man I don't trust? I don't trust him, not since Cerberus. I know he'll never forgive me for my suspicion and childish behavior on Mars. I sounded like a spoiled child that day, and I embarrassed John in front of a Garrus and a subordinate officer. And that's probably fine…I mean it's not fine because I embarrassed him… it's fine because we should be distracted from each other. There's a job waiting for us that will take all of our skills and possibly our lives.

I'll admit it here on these pages where no one else will see it. I love you, John Shepard. Always. I love how you wear your heart on your sleeve, although you pretend no one notices. I love the intricate and brilliant turnings of your mind. I love how you spoil yourself with expensive scotch. I bet you think no one knows about that either. I love watching your complete focus when you start work on a new model.

How's this for a Christmas wish? I wish we could spend Christmas together at my parent's vineyard. Just the two of us, in front of the fireplace. Good lager and better whiskey. Some food. The snow coming down outside and the two of us talking about all the things we never have time for. When (if!) I see forgiveness in your eyes, I'll tell you what you really mean to me.

I'll find the words, and I'll tell him Then I'll show him. Never actually been with a man, but I'm ready to learn. I don't even know if he's attracted to guys. I've never seen him with anyone. I know he and Garrus are close. Tali, too. But that's friendship. I wish I could have a friend like Garrus, or Tali or best yet, John Shepard.

It's no good thinking about this because no matter how much I want a future…or just a chance with him, I remember how much is in front of us. The greatest prize and at the highest price. It's what we signed up for, and we'll do our jobs. If I can never know what it's like to taste his kiss or wake up in his arms. At least, I know I did my duty to Earth, my CO, and my shipmates.

The hell with it. I can't get him out of my mind. He's a biotic itch I can't scratch and a hunger I can't sate. LOL. I'll write them here. Hope it helps. I've hurt him so many times…

Back again, it's late at night or early in the morning depending on how you think about it. Shepard invited us to a party at the new apartment, Admiral Anderson "gave" him. Wow!

Shepard allowed everyone to relax and enjoy themselves. Now, it's late, and I'm way too sober and sitting alone in this beautiful room. I think John is sleeping alone, too. What if I knocked on his door? What would he do or say? Obviously, I didn't go to his room last night. Now it's time to head back to the Normandy and reality.

He just walked in!

The writing ended there. Shepard closed the book, tossed it into the bag, and zipped it closed. The party was three days ago...Kaidan loves me. Kaidan wants me. I didn't know. I didn't know. Kaidan. Shepard fell back on the bed and opened his clothes. This was a moment of weakness, nothing more. It would pass, and he'd get back to work. His calloused squeezed until the pain made him groan. As if pain could make it go away, convince himself that he didn't need Kaidan. Need him in his bed, in his life…Kaidan. His legs spread involuntarily as he began to stroke himself, his movements erratic and rough.

"Kaidan… fuck, yes. Like that. Kaidan. Please." Shepard pushed his boots against the floor as his hips began to pump. "Kaidan. Kaidan…"

The bed dipped, and Shepard froze. Then a hand stilled his movements by wrapping fingers around his. A pair of lips nuzzled his neck. When teeth bit his chin, Shepard cried out.

"I'm here, Shepard. Right here. Let me take care of this for you. Open your eyes."

"Get the fuck off me."

"Look at me, John."

Mortified, Shepard pushed against Kaidan's arms and struggled to sit up. Before he could escape Kaidan straddled his hips and pinned his arms above his head. The pressure of Kaidan's crotch against on his erection left him breathless.

"Major…I order you…Fuck. Kai…"

"You read my journal."

Shepard pushed his hips against the rough fabric of Kaidan's uniform. The friction he sought became pressure as Kaidan pressed himself down.

"I confess that I only wished for you to know how I felt about you. But this…So, hot."

"Kaidan," came out in a breathless groan.

"Yes, Commander Shepard?" Kaidan's own needs throbbed inside his close-fitting uniform. He bit down on Shepard's lower lip and curved one of his hands around Shepard's jaw. "Open your eyes."

His ability to mask his expression and compartmentalize feelings failed at the moment he relaxed and opened his eyes. There he was staring down at him with those eyes. His own eyes teared up, and he blinked away the embarrassing emotion. But Kaidan saw it and followed the trickle down the side of his face.

"Commander Shepard, I think we'll start a list of insubordination infractions. The first thing on the list. Well," he chuckled and looked down at the two of them. "Maybe the third or fourth. I'm going to kiss you now, sir."

Their mouths met and what Kaidan meant as a gentle kiss turned into hungry foraging. Shepard used the kiss to relieve his needs. It didn't work, of course. The dip of Kaidan's tongue in his mouth forced his body into an arch almost dumping the Marine on the floor. When Kaidan lost focus Shepard tackled Kaidan and pinned him to the Shepard forced Kaidan's mouth open, "I'm going to fuck you into this bed until we end up on the first floor until you can't walk until I…Oh, fuck…Kaidan…I need you…"

"I'm here, Shepard. Always have…"

"Shut up and get out of that goddamn uniform."

When Shepard pulled Kaidan to his feet, they began a battle for dominance born out of needs ignored for too long. They tore at each other. Kaidan's biotics flared to life as he ripped Shepard's shirt open and stripped it from his arms. Kaidan won the race, and when he was naked pushed Shepard down on the bed and stripped him of his remaining clothes.

Did the palpable hunger in Kaidan's eyes match the look in his own eyes? Shepard took handfuls of the warm brown skin and pressed himself against Kaidan. It was exactly as he'd always imagined. Curling brown hair to tickle his nose hands strong and capable enough to imprison him. Kaidan's mouth on his lips, nuzzling his neck, slowly the kisses spread over his chest.

"Kaidan…wait…We shouldn't. We should wait…"

Teeth sinking into the boney flesh at his hip, fingers circling his under his hips. Shepard is dimly aware of Kaidan lifting his hips and Kaidan whispering a breathless, "I think we've waited long enough."

At the first touch of Kaidan's lips, Shepard is lost.

~o0o~

Part 2, The Moon

Head down against the icy wind, Major Kaidan Alenko shoved his hands into the pockets of his parka and keeps walking. The fact that it's Christmas Eve is evident only by the light covering of snow, which lay over the death and destruction like a shroud. Although he walked the streets of London alone, survivors surround him. They no longer worry about the Reapers, but there's no power, heat, or food. Kaidan stops at a makeshift tent where he hears the pitiful wailing of a child. With efficient movements, he slips a backpack from his shoulders and hands the parents a thermos of hot tea, a tin of biscuits and three meat pasties.

They thank him, press his hand, and offer him what they have. He shakes his head and always declines. His only request is that they tell him if they've seen this woman. He hands them her picture and every single time his hand trembles when he does. And just like every other night spent searching for her, he steels himself for the sad shake of their mother turns to look over her shoulder at a man he hadn't noticed. The old man takes the picture in his worn hands and peers at it through the candle light.

"She's a bit of alright, isn't she."

"Yes was…is." "We've all lost someone haven't we, lad?"

"We've all lost someone haven't we, lad?"

"Yes, sir."

"But you're not giving up 'til you find your pretty soldier?"Because he's tired and heartsick, Kaidan crouches down by the meager fire. The small family made room for him and poured him some tea. The mother pushes the mug into his protesting hands.

Because he's tired and heartsick, Kaidan crouches down by the meager fire. The small family made room for him and poured him some tea. The mother pushes the mug into his protesting hands.

"Have a cuppa, then you can return to your journey. You'll find your soldier, young man. It's Christmas after all, isn't it?"

"Have you checked the Underground?" The husband asked his voice a soothing murmur and his hand a warm pressure on Kaidan's shoulder.

Kaidan nodded and took a deep sip of tea. He can't let go of her memory. He can't let go of her. Since that first morning, four years ago, when she came aboard as Normandy's new first officer he lost his heart. Joker watched his face, knew when it happened and hadn't stopped teasing him about it was the most beautiful women he'd ever seen, with her shock of red hair, vibrant strength, dark green eyes and relentless search for justice. She filled out a uniform with curves he'd never noticed on another woman. Then because he was stupid or immature or arrogant—take your pick—he lost her. Twice. And he'd hurt her with terrible words he can never take back. It's too late now. He can't earn her forgiveness. Kaidan scrubbed a gloved hand over his face and returned the cup.

She was the most beautiful women he'd ever seen, with her shock of red hair, vibrant strength, dark green eyes and relentless search for justice. She filled out a uniform with curves he'd never noticed on another woman. Then because he was stupid or immature or arrogant—take your pick—he lost her. Twice. And he'd hurt her with terrible words he can never take back. It's too late now. He can't earn her forgiveness. Kaidan scrubbed a gloved hand over his face and returned the cup.

"Thank you. I need to keep walking. Be there for her when she wakes up. She's probably cold." Before Kaidan slipped the backpack on his shoulders, he removed his parka and handed it to the grandfather. It was after midnight when Kaidan stopped to purchase some coffee from a street vendor. Most of the vendors have come to know the young officer who walks the streets of their city.

"Evening, Kaidan, You'll find her. Don't give up hope."

"I won't," he says as if he's not sure it's true. Who is he trying to convince?

"Sit a spell the fire is warm. Found a good buy on some peat this morning."But Kaidan cannot rest until he knows the truth. Cannot forgive himself until somehow he'll know when it's time to stop searching for her. So he walks, thinks of home and chastises himself for all his failures and apologizes to the woman he'll never see again.

Kaidan shakes the offered hand, "No, thank you. I'd better keep walking."

"Here take a cup for the road. Best of luck to you."

The Thames moved slowly eddying around the debris. The smell of death is almost gone now, washed clean by the frequent rain. Another storm and the streets might, at last, be clean again. It will take time to clear the broken city of the destruction…What if he can't find her? What if? What if? What if? Kaidan wrapped his hands around the coffee mug and stared into the quickly cooling coffee.

What would he do? He's still a Marines. Eventually, he'll be forced by his command to leave here. There will be orders to obey and new missions to plan for. They could send him anywhere. Anywhere they needed Marines. He was a command level officer. His biotic unit might even want him leans back against a broken piece of concrete to look at the stars. When he was a kid, he liked to watch the night sky. He'd lay on the grass and stare at the moon and stars. Tonight, he watched the same stars and tried to remind himself that he's a grown man, not a child yearning for something he can never have. The night stills and the voices quiet. Kaidan sipped his coffee in silence and shudders when the first flicker of grief touched his heart.

He leans back against a broken piece of concrete to look at the stars. When he was a kid, he liked to watch the night sky. He'd lay on the grass and stare at the moon and stars. Tonight, he watched the same stars and tried to remind himself that he's a grown man, not a child yearning for something he can never have. The night stills and the voices quiet. Kaidan sipped his coffee in silence and shudders when the first flicker of grief touched his heart.

"If you finished with that coffee may I warm my hands on the mug?"

He could ask to stay on the Normandy. He knows the crew. It won't be the same. How many of them will stay? Tali, Garrus, and Liara have work to do on their home worlds.

"Excuse me. I said, could you show me where I could get coffee? I haven't eaten in a while. Not sure…"A shadowy figure emerged from the fog. Ice crystals hang from the edge of the blanket hiding the strangers face. The voice is a harsh mixture of pain and exhaustion.

A shadowy figure emerged from the fog. Ice crystals hang from the edge of the blanket hiding the strangers face. The voice is a harsh mixture of pain and exhaustion.

The mug slipped from his fingers and shattered on the ancient cobblestones.

"Oh, it's broken. I only wanted a sip and to warm my hands. They kicked me out of the church basement this morning. Good hiding place… Hungry…Don't know what happened to me. Lucky to find this blanket. Are you alright? Come on get up. You must be as hungry as me. Off your knees young man. Neither one of us belongs out on a night like this. I don't know where I am and there's something wrong with my eyes. Do you know the name of this place?"

To pull himself to his feet took every bit of his military bearing. Marine training allowed him to stand tall and square his shoulders. The backpack dropped to the ground in a puff of dirty snow. Kaidan pulled his gloves off with trembling fingers.

"Are you alright young man? Do you have a name?"

"Yes, ma'am."

The shrouded figure didn't shy away when he reached for the blanket. His heart doesn't see the day's old burns or the dried blood or clouded eyes.

"I can hear your tears. Please don't cry. We're all in this together, right?"

Smoothing dirty red hair back from her face, Kaidan murmured, "Yes, ma'am. All of us. Together. You're not lost. This is London and my name is Kaidan Alenko."The clouded eyes blinked up at him trying to focus.

The clouded eyes blinked up at him trying to focus.

"Wait. I knew a Kaidan, once.""If you'll come this way, ma'am?" Kaidan tugged the blanket around her shoulders and pulled her good arm.

"If you'll come this way, ma'am?" Kaidan tugged the blanket around her shoulders and pulled her good arm. "It's a bit of a walk. Tell me about this Kaidan of yours."

"You're kind to help me like this. He was handsome and the bravest soldier I ever knew…wait, how did I know he was a soldier?"

"Did you love him?"

"Yes, I loved him. Loved him the first moment I saw him on… Four years wasted trying to hide it. Stupid. Then, I can't remember, he was so angry with me, I think he learned to hate me."

The women stumbled against Kaidan. He caught her, gently readjusted the blanket and turned her face up to his.

"No, Jane. You're wrong about that. He never hated you. He loved you, and he always will love you."

Bloody fingertips spread the tears on his cheeks. "What did you call me? And, how do you know those things? How could you know? Can you help me remember?"

The sound of running footsteps echoed off the broken walls. The first response team responded to his radio call, and they are almost here. He had just a moment more to claim her, to tell her. This was his last chance.

"I know because," he kissed her brow. "I know that you are my Commander Jane Shepard," he kissed her cheek. "And I am your Kaidan."

~o0o~

Part 3 The Truth

I awakened in silent darkness. The pain is gone, and the Reaper's death knell silent at last. The solar winds soothe and buoy my broken body as I drift peacefully. My vision begins to clear while I watch the stars swirling in the bright swatch of light man named The Milky Way. The pain is gone, but I know that I am broken. I know what I saw. The crushed hand, the open wound in my side and the burns…Oh, God. The burns and my armor melted to what's left of me; left of Commander Shepard, Saviour of the Citadel, and the skipper of the Normandy.

Admiral Anderson dying in front of me. I'm sorry, sir. Sorry that I couldn't ease your pain, save your life…my crew…my love…or Earth.

Wait.

The winds turn me and there she is! Bright and whole and peaceful. The spaceships bent on destruction are gone and space around Earth empty of death and war. Was I successful? Had I done the right thing? Had my crew and I succeeded in beating the odds so horribly and irrevocably stacked against any chance of victory.

If only it were so. I closed my eyes and dreamt of peace.

When I opened my eyes, I found myself on the Normandy. There was my crew. I counted heads. Yes, they are all here. And, I see they have found strength in each other. Tali leans against Garrus while he strokes the hood of her suit with those incredible fingers. They are well suited to each other. Because I know them, I know Tali will love him with all the fierce determination she brings to all aspects of her life. Perhaps with his wayward son married to an Admiral, his father's ambitions will finally be satisfied.

Silent tears shine on Steve's face. No, do not weep. I am here. Always. James steps up behind him and laces his fingers with Steve. A beat of time passes and Steve lifts his arm to place it around James. I knew it. So obvious when I think about it. All that teasing…

But why does Kaidan weep? In his hands, he holds a plaque with my name on it. He intends to place it on the wall under Admiral Anderson's name. No, my complicated and brilliant love. You shall not forsake me. I am with you always. I reached for his trembling hands and stay his wrist. His head snapped up, and his eyes darted. I am here, Kaidan. For as long as you need me.

My destiny is, as it always been, to stand apart, my fate is to hold vigil and watch over my flock, always.

For I am their Shepard.

"Christmas is a season not only of rejoicing but of reflection."—Winston Churchill

Shalom Aleichem

Peace on Earth and Good Will Toward Men

Happy Kwanzaa

Keelah Se'lai

Spiritus sit cum omnibus vobis

May the Goddess shine the light of peace on your journey.