"If it will make you feel better, I won't open my eyes. It's not like I even want to know who your day mask is anyways," Joker breathed out heavily as gloved fingers stroked sweat damped raven hair. "You don't even need to say anything. Hear my heartbeat, Bat? Just focus on that. Only on that and nothing else." Joker's voice held a fondness that would only ever be heard by Bruce.
Blue eyes closed heavily. Both of their shallow breathing was all that could be heard in the quiet room. A silence that was so comforting when any sounds would make his head feel like it would explode. The rhythm of Joker's heartbeat against his ear was as welcoming as the fog washing over him. Bruce didn't want to move from this spot even if his body had the strength to do so. Deep down he knew he couldn't let sleep take him for he feared he may not wake up again if he did so. The sickness that had infected both their bodies was taking a stronger hold as time went on and he wondered if they would even find a cure at this point. Rome was there next stop and the distance away felt never ending.
Bruce didn't expect to collapse when they took refuge in a small motel room to get their bearings. It just happened as he was preparing the next course of action once they headed for their next destination. His vision just went blurry and next thing he knew his legs gave out on him. Bruce would have hit his head if Joker hadn't been right next to him to help ease him down. How Joker even had the strength to in that moment he wasn't sure. His Bat-suit that offered him so much protection in his nightly activities was becoming a burden on his ill body. Feeling this exhausted was a daunting experience for Bruce. True he had been exhausted many times in his life but it was never as crippling as it was now.
Even as Joker started to remove his cowl, he had only been able to vocally protest it, making the clown stop long enough to close his eyes as an offering of trust to Bruce. It wasn't the most tactical choice to have his cowl removed in front of his nemesis. Same could also be said of traveling Europe together despite the fact that they needed each other more now than ever. When Bruce had found out that Joker had the same virus he had, as well as information he needed there was just no choice in the matter. No fighting over bringing Joker along to find the cure as he wouldn't give up that information freely would have been beneficial.
Each day they were getting worse and they both knew it. At first, Joker had acted as if everything was a fun adventure and that they were the best of pals going on a trip together. Jokers seemingly lack of concern for both their lives was gnawing on Bruce's nerves. Making every moment spent in the psychopaths presence more of a chore than the illness wanting to take his life. If Joker hadn't saved his life and made Bruce start to think differently of the clown, he wasn't sure how much more of Joker's antics he could take. Joker had saved his life, it was a sentence he never even thought could be possible to comprehend and he would forever have the scar to prove it. The clown was as sick in the head as he was now psychically and even thinking he could ever want to keep Batman alive was almost unfathomable. Actions spoke more than words however and with it Bruce had no choice but to ponder things differently.
Perhaps it all came down to the virus making Joker behave differently from his true self. That was easier to process than ever thinking Joker could actually care about anyone but himself. It wasn't uttered how much the virus was affecting the madman but the small changes in personality was easy to pick up if someone knew the clown as much as Bruce did. Usual grins plastered on that chalk white face that now seemed much to forced to be real. Showmanship strides that just radiated charisma were now rigid and unbalanced. Gleaming acidic green eyes that were always so hypnotizingly intense that only now held a glazed look to them. Wit full banter that flowed naturally from red lips took a moment too long. Joker could act like he was handling everything just dandy but Bruce knew the truth. If the clown's seemingly more caring nature toward Batman was brought on by the virus killing them maybe that was the only good thing about all of this.
Thinking on things longer though showed another side that perhaps Joker in some way always cared for the Dark Knight. Flirtatious comments that were assumed to be just to get under his skin were holding more weight. Declarations as absurd as a friendship and lasting bond between them could have held a deeper meaning. An invasion of personal space that seemed like just a clingy nature could have been a want for closeness. Every rationality that Bruce did his best to insert in a category could have always been missing crucial pieces of information. If, Joker had always a fondness for Batman did that mean that maybe one day things could be different? If they even lived that long that is. At the same time, Bruce had first hand witnessed atrocities Joker had no remorse with committing. Bloodshed that even the vilest of men could not hold a caliber to the Clown Prince of Crime. Brutal battles in Gotham that if the tables were ever turned Bruce would not be here right now at all. Joker had always came off as selfish as he was murderous. Never in his life sparing a second thought to the harm he had caused. Joker couldn't help himself, he was deranged and wasn't mentally stable enough to be fully held accountable for his actions.
All these contradicting thoughts made Bruce question if the virus was affecting his mind even more so than his body. Having already had fever hallucinations it was the most probable observation. As gloved fingers stroked his hair however it made that observation feel void. Each caress the clown did was methodically gentle. Joker seemed to place so much care with each movement of his fingers as if all he wanted was for Batman to be able to relax. Bruce remembered what Joker had ask him to do was to focus on his heartbeat so he cleared his mind to do so. Each pounding sound of the clown's heart was just another reminder of how sick they were. His heartbeat should be strong but it was working slowly. One beat from another seemed to take longer the closer he listened to it. Still, Bruce listened to the calming sound as Joker's heart told him that the clown was still alive. That there was still time and with time there was hope.
Hope was the only essential fact they had to go on now. Without it there would just be no point of continuing. As long as they were still breathing no matter how raged they were still alive. As long as Joker's heart pounded away in Bruce's ear that meant they had a chance. All he needed to do was focus on the rhythm of his heart like a drum marching them on. As a coughing fit took over the clown, Bruce could feel the vibrations from Joker's chest. Liquid dripped on his eyebrow and blue eyes opened once more. Forcing his aching body up to try an ease the pressure on the clowns chest he felt fingers grip his shoulder. Allowing, Joker a moment to catch his breath he stilled his movements to move away.
"Hehe, I really hope they do bury us together," Joker muttered almost inaudible, his voice even more raspy than what Bruce was used to. "I wonder if our funeral will have balloons. I hope it does. Wouldn't that be nice?"
Frowning, he wiped his eyebrow of the wet substance and his fingers came back crimson. Blue eyes widened at the sight. He never thought such a sight would make him as concerned as he was now. Many times before he had been the cause of Joker bleeding. It had never bothered him in the past as it was just necessary of stopping the maniac in his track. Now, seeing the blood on his fingers brought only dread. Joker was dying, Bruce was dying. His own mortality he had often thought over many long nights. Would he end up getting shot to death like his parents had? Would he miss his mark jumping from rooftop to rooftop only to end with all his bones broken? All it took is one bad night and everything he had stood for would be over. A virus that some unknown person had infected the both of them bringing about their deaths though never once crossed his mind. Tilting his head when he felt the brush of fingers against his cheek, he could see how much more pale the Joker was than normal. His eyes that were still closed looked more sunken. It was then that Bruce realized how much skinner Joker felt against him. As if his body was eating itself from the inside out. They were in bad state and they both knew it but Joker's words were bringing back the rage that seemed to be locked away deep within him recently. There was too much finality to his words and as always Bruce had to oppose him.
"We are not going to be buried together." Bruce stated through shaky breaths. Joker must have misinterpreted his meaning as Bruce felt a chuckle vibrate the clown's chest.
"Of course you'd say that, Bat. Being stuck forever with me wouldn't be your idea of a good time." If Bruce hadn't known Joker as well as he did then he would have missed the bitterness in his voice.
"What I mean is we aren't going to die." Bruce confirmed as he watched Joker shake his head and a small ghost of a smile appeared on his cracked lips.
"It's amusing, Bats, I never pictured mister dark and brooding as much of an optimist," his other hand stroked Bruce's armored shoulder absentmindedly. "Sure you're always going on about what's morally right and all that but really darling, you're much more gloom and doom."
"I never pictured you as a pessimist," Bruce retorted back and the smile on Joker's face become much more real than the forced one he was becoming used to. He'd never state it but right now he appreciated that smile. It was best to lock away that train of thought forever. Never think on that again. "Not saying that you're not an insane nihilist but I have to say, I'm disappointed in you with how you're talking now." Bruce didn't understand why he was giving in to their small banter as normally he'd avoid it in favor of fists crashing into skin but honestly he didn't care right now. Another moment of insanity he'd chalk up to the virus plaguing havoc on his body.
Joker frowned though once Bruce had finished speaking and for the life of him he couldn't figure out why. It left him feeling isolated without that smile he had come to known so well. His stomach twisted in knots and he felt a nauseous feeling he was positive he couldn't place on the virus this time. Joker was silent, even his strokes had ceased and Bruce felt himself falling deeper into despair. His mind tried to calculate the exact moment and words he had spoken that brought on this sudden change in Joker's demeanor. If he had been at normal health he was certain he could figure it out in mere seconds but now he just felt lost. His head turned as he couldn't stand it any longer to look away from the clown and he pressed his ear closer over Joker's heart. Wanting so desperately for the sound to bring back the calm he was feeling earlier. Clinging to the rhythm of the others heart to make everything alright again as if it was his only life line that he could grasp onto. When, Bruce heard a deep sigh from above and his body tenses against his control. Waiting for the inevitable moment where he knew the storm was about to hit. As fingers hesitantly started to stroke his hair again he allowed himself to relax again.
"Joker?" Bruce had wanted to ask what he had said that had bothered the clown so much earlier but the moment he whispered the maniacs name he felt fingers tighten their grip in warning in his raven hair. It only lasted a second before Joker was back to stroking again. The subtle threat was as clear as if Joker had held a knife to his jugular. He wasn't in the mood to speak as of yet and he expected Bruce to respect that. Every natural impulse screamed at him to disregard Joker's wishes as he always had done but he was just too tired to do so. If Joker wanted more time before speaking then Bruce would just have to allow it.
He felt a coughing fit of his own take him as his body seized with pain. His lungs burned and his chest heaved. The arm Joker had around him tightened possessively as all Bruce could do was wait for the coughing fit to stop. His Bat-suit felt more constricting than it ever had. He felt hot, way too hot, he knew the fever was getting worse. All he wanted to do was shed the rest of his Bat-suit for the same relief he felt with his cowl off but couldn't bring himself to do so. Blood was dripping down his throat that he had to force to cough out or he'd drown in it. Crimson splattered on the purple suit he leaned against, Joker didn't seem to mind this as he just held Bruce even tighter than before. Joker waited down the minutes in silence until Bruce could control his body again. Each intake of breath burning his throat even worse. Blue eyes watered as he closed them. Fingers rubbed his armored arm in a small form of comfort that helped ease him if only just for a bit. When it seemed that the coughing fit had subsided at least for now did Joker decided to speak with him again.
"How many times have I disappointed you now? Have you even kept count?" Joker asked him.
"What?" Bruce gasped out and he wasn't even sure if his voice was even audible to the clown.
"I've kept count. It hasn't been that many honestly but it has happened," Joker's fingers brushed back sweat damped black bangs from Bruce's forehead before continuing. "In your mind I've probably disappointed you more times than you could even remember but Bat, that's not the case," Bruce could feel a slight pitiful chuckle escape the clown. "Sometimes, Batsy, only sometimes I find it tiresome living up to your expectations of me." He confessed and that only irritated Bruce more. What the hell was that supposed to mean?
"Are you insane enough to think I appreciate the things you do? The sick jokes you play on the expense of people's lives? Do you honestly for a moment think that I want that from you? No, don't bother answering, in your messed up mind of course you'd think that." Bruce wanted to yell at him but his little tirade was nothing more than a wavering voice. Joker tapped his fingers impatiently against Bruce's arm before allowing himself to continue his side of their conversation.
"Repudiate it all you want, Bat. I won't stop you if that's what you keep wanting to shield yourself from, it's hilarious how much you try to anyways. Deny it as much as you'll probably dismiss my assertion of how many times I've disappointed you. For like I said in your mind I've done that more times than you can fathom. I'm not talking about how you think I've disappointed you because I bring a smile to the citizens of Gotham when you're so adamant against that. That's not real disappointment, Bats, for you will always expect me to do so. Contest till your little black heart can no longer do so that you need me in your life. That without me you'd just be some man in a suit and not the Bat King that I bring out in you. Ever since we first gazed on each other we've been connected." Joker rambled on as if his words held any real meaning towards Bruce. As if after all this time of opposing each other that suddenly Batman would understand the truth that he so thoroughly claimed as fact.
"We don't have a connection Joker. All this has ever been is you cause havoc where ever you go and I have to stop you. There has never been a deeper meaning behind it. You keep putting meaning into things that never had any substance in the first place. You're the one who is delusional to the truth not me." Bruce countered as his fists tightened slightly with the urge to hit something. If his body would permit him he'd focus all that bent up frustration on the maniac who would gladly take it at full force. Joker would take all of Bruce's rage with a gleeful smile on his face and always ask for more. The murderous psychopath was an easy outlet for Bruce's under the surface hatred at the world. Joker always was and Bruce had come to expect it from him. Being so close to the madman now was beginning to make him feel claustrophobic. Like there was not enough room for the two of them to breath. Try as he might though the sound of Joker's heartbeat kept him trapped in his spot. As if he pulled away things would only get worse. So he stayed there, leaning against the man that had caused so much grief ever since he surfaced in Gotham.
"Hehe, you know sometimes I think I remember what it was like, before," That one sentence made Bruce start to contemplate Joker's words more closely. That wasn't a confession he'd ever would have associate with the murderer he knew. "Like I told you, Bat, living up to your expectations of me can be exhausting. So just sometimes when I think you'll live in self-denial of the obvious for the rest of your life, my mind will wander to certain things in the past, before you casted me into the role you desperately needed to be filled. It's only flashes nothing more and nothing I can even be certain of is actually the past or not," Joker sighed and pressed his chin on top of Bruce's head, turning awkwardly to nuzzle him as he breathed in the sweat of his hair. "Even when I'm so tired of being the court jester to the glorious Bat King that you are, I wouldn't have it any other way. The world is a joke, it always has been even if you can't see it and Batsy, you are the best thing to ever bring a smile to my face." Cracked red lips planted a chaste kiss on the top of his head before he pulled his head away and began stroking Bruce's hair again.
It was an action that Bruce was certain even Joker knew would be like very closely signing his own death certificate in any other circumstances. Perhaps that was why now the clown was so willing to do it. This virus was a death sentence imposed on them both. Distorting the natural order of how they expected to die in the first place. If Bruce could fight Joker instead then all of the emotions that shouldn't be surfacing right now would be easier to deal with. Talking things out like they were doing now was just too uncomfortable for Bruce. Listening to what Joker had to say didn't settle well for him. When they fought it was different, he didn't have to listen and instead could communicate with violence to the clowns ramblings. A language that Joker had took on to mean something more than Bruce had ever contemplated on. Emotions and thoughts that should never be processed in Bruce's mind for fear of the damage that would inevitably cause.
"You're sick." Bruce commented offhandedly.
"Really? Who would have guessed? Thanks for the diagnosis, Bat," Joker replied sarcastically. "I'm sure you've been paying enough attention to know that we both are." He added after a short moment. Bruce was about to retort that wasn't what he had meant at all and that Joker knew that but didn't voice it as it would have been pointless argument to make right now.
They couldn't stay here much longer that was the only thing he could be sure of now. They had to get to Rome and find the cure otherwise Joker may have gotten his wish for the both of them to be buried together. Groaning inwardly, Bruce knew they had no choice but to get moving. His body protested with shots of pain to his limbs as he tried to pull away from the clown and grab his cowl. As much as his own body fought against movement, Joker's grip did more so.
"We need to get going." Bruce ordered but didn't hold much weight to the command.
"Shush little, Bat." Joker protested with a moan of pain. If Bruce was aching, his weight in his Bat-suit pressed against him must have been even worse for the clown. Still, Joker had wanted Batman to stay where he was even if he didn't have the strength to stop him if he tried.
"Unless you want us to die right here, we need to go."
"Hmm, as long as I die first I think I'm alright with that." Joker smiled a little.
"Joker." Bruce growled a little at the comment as he pulled away from him, glancing at the chalk white face to make sure green eyes were still closed, they were. Grabbing his cowl that laid next to them, he hated the idea for the first time of his life of putting it on. It would only make his skin burn more with his fever and make him more uncomfortable. Grudgingly, he put his cowl back on as he tried to stand on wobbly legs. Joker's voice stopped him.
"I mean it, Bats, as long as you're still breathing after I'm gone then I don't mind walking off stage first," Green eyes opened tiredly to look at him as Bruce was sitting on his knees. "Just give me a few minutes alright. I just need to rest my head." He breathed out and Bruce could feel pity for him in the moment. Not responding, he simply nodded his head and green eyes closed once more. Bruce watched him silently, letting the clown catch his breath. Blue eyes watched the slow rising and falling of the clown's chest. Purple stained with crimson he had coughed up. Joker looked worse than he had ever seen him and Bruce was certain he himself didn't look much better.
"I think you'll have to carry me if you want us to leave, Batsy." Joker muttered quietly sounding more like he was speaking to himself instead of Batman.
Blue eyes narrowed on the clown as he contemplated doing just that. It wouldn't be the first time, Bruce would have to carry the maniac. Many times before he had carried his unconscious body into the batmobile to take him back to Arkham. Joker was lean and light weight which made Bruce wonder if he had often eaten enough. Even now he doubted carrying the clown wouldn't be a difficult task. It was one his mind was willing to do but his body protested against it. Sighing, Bruce decided he'd have to let the clown rest just a little while longer.
"We'll rest just a little while longer," Unclipping, his cape from his suit, he scooted against the wall. "Just lean against me." The idea exited his mouth before he could really stop himself and as Joker, opened his eyes, he didn't take it back. Joker moved his body between Bruce's legs, grumbling a little from the effort. Joker's body clung to Bruce's as he rested his head on the breast plate over Bruce's heart, much the same position if just less awkwardly positioned due to the Bat-suit as Bruce was just moments ago. Wrapping his cape over, Joker's body, he used one arm to hold him up.
Bruce doubted that his suit was comfortable to lean against and maybe the floor would have been more preferable but Joker didn't protest it at all. In fact it seemed just the opposite. The clown seemed perfectly at peace where he was. Bruce knew that the clown wouldn't be able to hear his heartbeat as Bruce was able to hear his but he hoped that just the close proximity would be enough to comfort Joker. It seemed to work as, Joker slumped more against him, his breathing becoming even shallower as sleep was washing over him. Still, Bruce didn't wake him, they hadn't slept in days and allowing the clown a chance to rest may make the rest of their trip easier to handle. So he sat there, just listening to the inhale and exhale of breath of the body pressed against him. An urge to stroke messy forest green hair overcame him and he didn't fight against it. Joker's hair was soft to the touch a thought that he never thought he'd associate with the clown. They couldn't rest long and Bruce knew that but it didn't stop him from tracing his fingers softly against the Joker's throat as he found the rhythm of the clowns pulse that he was realizing he was missing in their new position. Joker didn't stir and Bruce wanted to place a comforting kiss on the top of his head as Joker had done to Bruce. He wouldn't though. That much freedom wasn't as available to Bruce as it was for the clown. Even if Joker wouldn't even notice it wasn't a risk he could take. Just holding the sleeping clown would have to be enough for him. Feeling that pulse of a heartbeat was all that he could allow.
"I'm not going to leave you, I'm going to protect you." Bruce whispered knowing the clown he was embracing wouldn't be able to hear him. Bruce realized then that if they died he felt differently but the same as Joker had. His enemy wanted to die first for he wouldn't live in a world without Batman, Bruce, however wanted to never have to live in a life without Joker. That the very thought of an existence without him would be too much to bear. Perhaps, Joker was right and he had expected so much for the clown. Maybe too much. As Joker's heart kept beating away under his fingers he knew as long as it did he would always expect Joker to live for him.