A/N: Ruffnut Thorston has got to be my favorite character of anything ever. I knew I was in love with her when I walked away from my first viewing of How to Train Your Dragon; it was not long after receiving the DVD for my birthday that I knew I had to pay her a tribute of some kind. This fanfic you are reading now is that tribute. I have been working on this little baby since (according to Microsoft Word) January 19th, and I cannot tell you how excited (and nervous) I am to finally get it out of the secrecy of my computer and out into the open. It's taken numerous viewings of the movie, copious amounts of the soundtrack, and, towards the end, listening to the Tangled soundtrack on repeat for two days straight, and here it is: Confessions of a Teenage Viking.

This story is the movie told entirely through Ruffnut's perspective. It doesn't just focus on Ruffnut; she is actually telling the story. I've done my very best to stay in her voice, but that proved EXTREMELY difficult in some places; whereas I love to read and Ruffnut...doesn't...I'm always afraid I've either given her too strong a vocabulary or dumbed her down too much. So if her voice seems out of character, I sincerely apologize; I've worked my absolute hardest, but she's a difficult voice to master. On the subject of voice: since Ruffnut doesn't like to read, I highly doubt her grammar is correct much of the time. GRAMMATICAL ERRORS IN THIS FIC ARE INTENTIONAL. Believe me, they pained me to write them more than they pain you to read them. Finally on the subject of voice, if swearing/pervy talk offends you, leave now. They are pubescent Vikings. It's going to happen.

So...yes. This chapter is more of an introduction than an actual chapter; the action picks up in the next installment, which should be coming this weekend. If you have any questions/comments/concerns/pointless trivia to share, please don't hesitate to review/PM me!

Enjoy!

Disclaimer: How to Train Your Dragon belongs to Cressida Cowell and DreamWorks Animation.

There are ten things majorly wrong with my life.

1. I am a girl. I mean, that's enough to screw me over forever, so it's almost unnecessary to go into the next nine reasons. But I'm going to anyway.

2. I have a twin brother who thinks that because he is twenty-two minutes older than me and was born with a penis, he is automatically better than me. Also he thinks he's prettier. I'm not sure if agreeing to this last part is insulting him or not.

3. Even though I have the braids and the boobs (I mean, okay, so they're not a lot, but they're still there), people still confuse me with my twin brother.

4. My first kiss was with a girl. She says it doesn't count because we were practicing, but she was better than the first guy to ever put his lips on mine.

5. The first male I kissed was unconscious and to this day has no idea it happened. So I'm not sure if that actually counts or not.

6. The first conscious male I kissed was drunk and thought I was someone else.

7. After said male realized I was not Astrid, he threw up all over my boots.

8. When I was a kid, the other moms asked my mom to stop sending me over to play with their daughters because I was a "bad influence" (so I cut Thunderthigh's hair once, so what?). Instead, I had to play with losers like my brother, Astrid Hofferson (although she's not a loser, she's just kind of scary sometimes), Snotlout Jorgenson, Fishlegs Ingerman, and Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III. Nothing has changed; we are all still friends, and things are probably going to stay that way forever. There is no escape.

9. My friends are freaks. All of them.

And the top reason my life sucks?

10. I fell in love with the biggest loser on the island and lost him to the coolest girl on the island.

I know life is not fair. But sometimes I feel like it could be just a little less unfair.

My name is Ruffnut Thorston, and my life is not fair.

A hiccup is something small and annoying and really hard to get rid of. It's like, you just don't want it, you know? Yeah. That was Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III for you.

Nobody liked Hiccup, except for maybe Gobber and Fishlegs, but they're both such freaks that their opinion doesn't count, and even Fishlegs stopped hanging out with him after a while. Hiccup was that kid nobody wanted to play with and none of the moms wanted their kids to play with, but we had to anyway because he was the chief's son, and you're probably not gonna move up in the ranks by shunning his only child. Except even Stoick realized his son was a threat to humanity. So while the rest of us were put on water-patrol—meaning, we had to put out the fires from the dragon raids (did I mention we had dragon raids? Whatever, I'll get to that later)—Hiccup became Gobber's apprentice at the forge. I'm actually not really sure why they decided it would be a good idea to put Hiccup around sharp, dangerous objects, but at least he wasn't out there getting eaten by a dragon.

Basically, Hiccup was a loser, and I was one of the cool kids.

So it took me a while to figure out that I had a crush on the guy.

I don't actually know why I did. Do. Whatever. If I was gonna go for a guy (and lemme tell you, there aren't many guys to actually go for in Berk), it would be a guy like…I dunno, Snotlout or something. Snotlout is Hiccup's cousin. They are nothing alike. Snotlout is tough and manly and, like, cool. Hiccup…well. Maybe that's why I let Snotlout try to suck my face that one time he was drunk off his Friggin' ass and thought I was Astrid.

Um.

What was I talking about?

Oh yeah. My totally not-cool crush on Hiccup.

Normally I'd be like, "Shut up, I can do what I want," and I'd just punch anyone who laughed. Hey, it's worked for me so far. But this was Hiccup. Liking him was like…social suicide. I couldn't let anyone know I liked him unless

a. I was willing to be a social leper for possibly the rest of my life, or

b. I had such a bad-ass reputation that no one would dare question me.

I'm working on option b right now.

Anyone in Berk will tell you that Vikings have stubbornness issues, and it's completely true. I wanted Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III, and nothing was gonna stop me from making him mine. I decided this the summer before I turned fifteen. That was the summer that my breasts—small as they are—finally decided to show up (although Astrid's were bigger, of course), we started dragon training, me and my brother got tattoos, and Hiccup saved our entire village from the biggest (literally) enemy we would ever have.

This is the story of that summer.