Eccentricismyname: This is my first story that I am posting!

And it's even more special because I have a friend to help me! And I Introduce Ladyrosinsniffer!( This story is already posted Under her name too!)

This is the way it works: you ask your questions in the review, we'll answer to the best of our abilities and post them in the next chapter. I promise a surprise with every post I get… I.E. a big smiley face in your honor!

Dear Luna-

I love this boy who loves this other girl who loves this other boy who loves this other girl who's a lesbian. WHAT DO I DO?

- Not Just Another Sex Kitten

Dear Sex Kitten-

Get hung up on another guy. The Ministry will be looking for you soon because they have hordes of people with sexual tension working in their midst and every third Friday they take one and probe them with hornknuckles to see what their problem is. Trust me; you don't want to know what hornknuckles are.

-Luna Lovegood-

Dear Luna-

I'm hopeless when it comes to defensive spells, so people are always picking on me. What should I do?

-Mr. I Ain't Doin' It Rite

Dear Mr. I Ain't-

My suggestion is that you join the D.A. Everyone in it is so lovely (except for Smith) and Ginny is always stopping people from calling me Loony Lovegood. However, if you aren't interested in joining the D.A., I think that you should ask Harry Potter for help. He's such a nice boy…. Do not take lessons from the Ministry as they will either use very Dark Powers to suck your Powers out through your right index finger or brainwash you to join the Minister's private army.

- Luna -Don't call me Loony- Lovegood-

Dear Luna-

I have the funniest feeling that I'm always being watched. People call me paranoid, but I can't shake the feeling. Is this normal?

-Always looking over my shoulder

Dear Always-

This is very common, due to the fact that Helmps stalk us all the time. Just throw a pinch of dandruff over your shoulder and it should go away. Don't know where to get dandruff? Follow Sean Stewgood around with a little baggie. Or, if you're really desperate and have no way to get accesses to Sean, say this charm three times a day:

I like boogies, I like dandruff,

I don't like the Helmp in my pants,

so before it starts getting too rough

begone, Helmps, or I'll start to dance!

Does it really work?... How should I know? It should though; the Weasley twins gave it to me.

-Luna Lovegood-

Dear Luna-
I'm Voldemort's illegitimate daughter. I have just one friend, and am scared to death of losing him. We're both Ravenclaws, so maybe he'll be smart enough to remember that I'm not quite like my sire. But still, I don't know whether or not to tell him. What do you think?
-Secretly-A-Riddle

Dear Secretly-
Get a new identity and perhaps a bit of Polyjuice potion. If the Ministry finds out your true identity, they'll hold you hostage to force You-Know-Who to relinquish his power, though I doubt He-Who- Must-Not-Be-Named would care since you seem to be his opposite. Or, even better, go live with the giants! They won't care whose child you are.
Best wishes,
Luna Lovegood

P.S. Who's your mother?

Dear Luna-

I woke up this morning with a terrible headache that won't go away. What would you recommend I do about it?

Sincerely,

-Damn, my head hurts!

Dear Head Hurts-

Oh dear. It seems that you have received the subtle but very nasty Bangwalloper Curse. While not really harmful (except for the headache, of course!) it's very irritating and hard to get rid of. I would suggest trying to locate the caster of this curse and banging him or her on the head. This reverses the spell and turns the curse back upon the curser.

-Luna Lovegood-

Dear Luna-
OMG Evry1 tlks lyke this in mi house n' i fink its a kurs wat shud i do bout it!111!11!1!

-MisFortuniate

Dear MisFortuniate,

My suggestion is that you get a nice dictionary and Muggle classes in English. I rather doubt it is a curse but an unfortunate meeting with a Hempalimp that has stalked your family for generations. Feed it some almanacs and it should go away.

-Luna Lovegood-

Dear Luna-

My sister gave me new shoes for my birthday and now my left foot has turned into a walrus. What do I do?

Yours,
Tusky

Dear Tusky-
Perhaps those were the shoes of Stanwick "Happy Feet" Harris. You're lucky that it was only one foot... I hear that his whole lower half used to turn into a tail, and then he'd go swimming off into the horizon. That's how the rumors of mermaids came up among sailors, doncha know.
But that's beyond the point! Let's see... flips through past issues of The Quibbler According to Miss Steffie Flumpton, wait for a week, then try to coax the walrus to come off your foot with fish. If it doesn't work... I suggest St. Mungo's.
Best wishes
-Luna Lovegood

Dear Luna,

Why do my toe nails always puncture holes in my socks, even though I just clipped them as short as they can be clipped?

Clipped Off

Dear Clipped-
Don't be silly! They're not toenails; you seem to have acquired the Tenacious Tusk fungus in a weird place. This fungus is named for the way it grows on teeth and makes it appear as if the unfortunate has grown tusks. How the fungus got on your foot, I don't want to know. However, the solution is simple: simply dip your foot in hydrochloric acid and the fungus will die. Be careful, though; hydrochloric acid tends to sting a bit...
-Luna Lovegood