"Cas!" I bellowed from the window of the Impala while speeding to a stop so I could help his crumpled body to the car. He was lying in sparse grass to the side of the road, his back turned. But I knew it was him from the slight curl of his dark hair at the base of his neck and his trench coat, no matter how dirty. I ran towards him until I could kneel by his side and hear his heart beating.
"Cas," I said again. "Cas!" He wasn't waking up. I would've sworn his heart was beating, but in moments like this how could anyone be sure. Maybe I just really wanted it to be that way. Who knows what the hell Metatron had done to him. "Cas," I whispered. I lifted him into my arms and in a slow procession worthy of a funeral, I carried him back to the Impala where Sam was lying pathetically in the back seat, all energy to even sit up gone.
"Sam," I groaned, my arms growing heavy and wishing I didn't have to make Sam do anything he didn't want to. "I need you to move."
"Dean..."
"Now."
Sam took his sweet time lifting himself up so he could lean on one of the headrests where I laid Cas' body down before lumbering back to the driver's seat so I could drive us all home. Hopefully Cas would wake up when he felt safe. I glanced in my rearview mirror to see Sam slumped against Cas' chest. It would've been comical if I'd felt like laughing.
When we got to our cave, I put Sam's arm around my neck and practically carried him in and set him down on a couch before going back for Cas who was still knocked out or dead. I was no longer sure I could even tell the difference between anything. I just needed some sleep and a nice hot shower. I put Cas on my bed before going to the bathroom, stripping, then standing in the water doing nothing but staring at the blank white wall across from me the water dripping methodically into my eyes. By the end of the night I might have no one. I had no idea what to do.
"Dean," a voice rasped in the near distance. With the water running I couldn't tell if it was Sam or Cas but it didn't make a difference. I wrapped a towel around my waist, secured it, then ran out into my bedroom to see Cas rubbing his temple and grimacing at some unseen pain.
"Cas."
"Dean."
"What happened, man? I saw the angels falling."
"Naomi was telling the truth like you said. I only wish I had listened. But I was simply going up there to ask him whether or not he was telling the truth and before I knew what was happening I was tied to a chair and my grace was being extracted."
"So you're human."
Cas nodded, continuing to grimace. I sat down beside him, water running down my back and on to the bed, and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Are you gonna be okay?"
"Yes," Cas smiled slightly. "I did that right didn't I?"
"What?"
"That was the correct time to lie, yes?"
"Sure, buddy, but now I know different. So maybe you shouldn't go advertising your successes in lying. You don't ever tell the punch line after you lie."
"I supposed as much."
"What hurts?"
"I'm just empty. Not only is my grace gone, but I have disgraced my entire people, literally, " I chortled lightly, "And I am incapable of regaining anybody's trust despite my many desperate attempts. It sucks."
"Good word to add in your vocabulary."
"Yes, I thought so too." He rested his head on my shoulder, I assumed in exhaustion, and whispered, "I have to fix this." Then with a vengeance and new found strength, Cas rose and began racing around my room grabbing a pair of my clothes, a gun from my dresser, and they keys to my baby.
"Do you mind?" he asked, keys jangling.
"God damn it, Cas. Of course I do. Where the hell do you think you're going?"
"I have to fix this, before my own kind kill me and before the trail runs cold."
"There's always tomorrow, Cas. We all need sleep."
"I wasn't intending on you coming with me."
"Do you even know how to drive a fucking car? Because if one scratch gets on my baby I will kill you myself and the whole trip would have been for nothing."
"It's not just for me, it's for..."
"I know. But let's go back to every single time you've tried to do something selfless for someone. It only worked once and barely. Besides, you aren't going anywhere without me. You're not invincible anymore."
"I can take care of myself, Dean," Cas said tenaciously.
"No you can't," I bellowed, throwing my hands in the air. "All that nerd-angel strength and speed and being able to disappear at whim, yeah all of that, is gone. How do you even know you can control your own body, because it isn't a vessel anymore, Cas. It's your body. Yours. Not to mention, you don't have any serious training in the handling of a gun, or any weapon for that matter besides a extremely long and impractical knife."
"I probably won't even find anything, Dean. Really, you don't need to worry," and before I could say anything else Cas darted out of the room and down the hallway, making for the door. I was right behind him and I caught up with him just as he was about to close the door of the Impala.
"You have to stop disappearing on me. You want me to trust you again? Give me a chance, Cas. Stop running off. You're my friend and I want you around because I want to fix what's broken between us, more than anything. If you leave right now, you can't ever come back Cas, because I'm tired of waiting."
"For what?" Cas whispered in shock. I took a deep breath and looked away, one hundred percent sure I wouldn't be able to say what I needed to say. My dad had never been there for me, there were times Sam hadn't either, and times when Cas had done the same. The difference was Cas didn't understand that it hurt when he shut me out and maybe I could let him know but it just wasn't me. I didn't want to spill my guts out to a guy. I know he wouldn't care and we wouldn't ever be measuring penises, which I wouldn't have after this speech, but I didn't know the words to tell him that I cared. Not just about him but his issues. There were raindrops hitting my already wet hair and torso as the towel was starting to slide down my hips leaving it very low slung. It was so ridiculous I was ready to walk inside and let him fuck up for the billionth time, when I noticed my heart racing and tears welling in my eyes. It was an all to familiar feeling. I was going to lose him. I just knew it, and that sure as hell wasn't going to happen.
"For you to get it! You're not just the angel who saved my life, helped me not become some stupid vessel, saved my brother's life, then released the Leviathan. Through all of that you were my best friend. I depended on you, trusted you, stuck with you every moment despite every fucking instinct in my body screaming against it. And you know why? Because I need you. I don't just say that to get you to shut up and move or to prevent you from killing me, I say that because I do. Just as much or maybe even more than I need Sam. And right now, I need you to stay. I need you to be alive and I need you to trust me. There will still be a trail tomorrow when we wake up. There will still be evil sons of bitches we can gank. There will still be you and me as a team and we can go get them together. Because I want to do that for you and with you. Okay? Now get out of that goddamned car and back in the house before I drag you."
Cas shakily stood and placed they keys in my hand. "Dean, I am sorry, I did not know..."
"I know. I don't get how you didn't, but I know."
"I need you to, you know," Cas said to his feet, as he shuffled in front of me.
"Of course you do, idiot," I conversed nonchalantly swinging my arm up around his shoulder. "I'm the one giving you shelter and food which for once you actually need."
Cas opened his mouth as if he was about to say something and then shut it, thinking better of whatever words were going to come spilling out of his mouth. That hadn't been what he meant. I could see it in his eyes, and I knew that. But I couldn't bring myself to reach girl status. That didn't mean he wasn't.
"Dean, you're my family. You and Sam. My only family. And with you it's the closest I've ever been with anyone. You aren't just someone who I use when I need too. I bet you feel like that's the case because you're you and who could ever care about you, but I do. You were the reason I did everything I ever did. And maybe you hate that about me but I don't. I don't regret a single moment I saved your life or that I was in the process of doing so, because if I hadn't there was a chance you would be dead and I wouldn't have you. That was never an option. So when I say I need you it has nothing to do with some goddamned food."
I stopped walking, realizing in that moment that was all I needed to hear. I remembered why I'd trusted him before and understood that I'd never stopped because I unconsciously knew what he had just told me. I had just needed to hear it, because Cas was right. I couldn't ever believe that someone did everything for me. It was preposterous. But here was a man saying that had been his life for years now and I wasn't giving him due credit. I laughed happily and ruffled Cas' hair. "I'm glad, man. I could really use a burger, how about you?"
"I can make my own hamburger."
"Sure you can."
"I can."
"No you can't. Well, you sure as hell aren't making mine. Wouldn't want to tempt fate again no would we?"
"I stayed, Dean."
"Thank you."
Stay-Hurts
My whole life waiting for the right time
To tell you how I feel.
Know I try to tell you that I need you.
Here I am without you.
I feel so lost but what can I do?
'Cause I know this love seems real
But I don't know how to feel.
We say goodbye in the pouring rain
And I break down as you walk away.
Stay, stay.
'Cause all my life I've felt this way
But I could never find the words to say
Stay, stay.
Alright, everything is alright
Since you came along
And before you
I had nowhere to run to
Nothing to hold on to
I came so close to giving it up.
And I wonder if you know
How it feels to let you go?
You say goodbye in the pouring rain
And I break down as you walk away.
Stay, stay.
'Cause all my life I've felt this way
But I could never find the words to say
Stay, stay.
So change your mind
And say you're mine.
Don't leave tonight
Stay.
Say goodbye in the pouring rain
And I break down as you walk away.
Stay, stay.
'Cause all my life I've felt this way
But I could never find the words to say
Stay, stay.
Stay with me, stay with me,
Stay with me, stay with me,
Stay, stay, stay, stay with me.