Disclaimer: I don't own McLeod's Daughters.

Summary: Charlotte is fourteen years old and still living with Peter, but they don't get along at all. Apending time with Alex makes her realise ehr mother has never really been out of the picture, while Alex, after Fiona left, fights his old feelings for Claire.

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Charlotte Pruedence McLeod stood at the window watching the rain fall down. It was 3 pm but the sky was grey, almost black and the sun hadn't showed up a single second today. She stretched out her arm and opened the window to feel the wind and the rain on her face. Drops fell on the picture she was holding while she shivered in the storm that was not only rushing outside, but inside too, in her mind. A beautiful woman with brown hairs and big, blue eyes smiled to her from the picture and Charlotte felt her tears mixing with the rain on her face. She closed the window and sat down on her bed. She looked around her room and realised she had everything she could ever wish for. Almost everything…

She looked at the picture again. Claire Louise McLeod was resting her head to a man's chest. His hands were on her waist and he wasn't looking at the camera because he was kissing her curly hair. Charlotte didn't know how many times she had been looking at this picture during the past weeks, but today it was touching her more than usually.

She turned the picture around and looked at the back side. "To Charlotte" was written on it in a very bad handwriting. She remembered the day Alex had given it to her. She had seen tears on his face and not many people had ever seen Alex Ryan crying. It was the day he had told her the story that had always been incomplete because no one really liked it to talk about Claire. But that day he had told her how he had been a very close friend of her mom, and how, after good times and fights, he had finally found the guts to tell her how he felt about her. He called the time after that "the best time of his life". Charlotte had loved the story till that point, but she hadn't wanted him to go on. Because they both new how it was gonna end.

She looked at the picture again and realised he had to feel as sad as she did now. Because this day was very important to her, and to Alex. And to Tess. But maybe to Alex the most. Suddenly she wanted to be with him now. He was her best friend, had always been for as she could remember and she realised it was killing her he was alone today. This day. She had looked up to this day for weeks, and now it had almost passed by. She had hoped her mother would give her a sign, like always happened in stories of other people. But the day had almost come to an end and nothing had happened.

She stood up, put the picture in her pocket and took her raincoat. Drover's Run wasn't very far by bus, and she was almost sure she'd find Alex there. She walked down the stairs and took her keys.

'Julia, I'm going to Drover's,' she called to the living room. She had never called Peter's wife 'mom'. She had accepted the fact that her mother wasn't alive anymore, and she didn't feel like saying 'mom' to someone that wasn't her mother. What didn't mean she didn't love Julia. She did love her and she couldn't miss her. Just not the way she'd have loved her mother.

'You're going out in this storm? You're crazy, dear, you'll catch a cold!'

'I won't,' Charlotte answered patient. This wasn't the moment to fight with Julia. 'I've taken my blue sweater on.' Charlotte hated her blue sweater. It always made her feel like she was wearing five sweaters, but Julia always wanted her to take it on when she went outside in winter.

'Ok, but what are you going to do there? And why now?'
She decided just to tell her. She'd understand.

'I'm going to Alex.'

Julia's look floated over the calendar and she nodded.

'I didn't realise the date.' She opened her arms to hug Charlotte. 'Well, go. And if you can stay for the night, than do that. I don't like you walking around in this weather.'

She hugged her back.

'Thanks, Julia.'

She closed the front door behind her and started walking to the bus stop. This felt like a weird day. And with weird was meant the good and the bad way of weird.

In the bus Charlotte started thinking about her life. She had cached herself on deep thoughts more than usual over the past weeks. It felt like things were changing. She had come to realise she had started hesitating her happiness. She couldn't help it, but in Peter Johnson's house, she always felt like the outsider. Maybe that was because she knew that to Peter and Julia she'd always come second. Alana, their oldest daughter, was nineteen and had just moved out because she was going to college in Melbourne. Since that day Peter called her every evening to ask her how she was doing. Having conversations with Alana was no problem to him, their phone calls lasted for hours. But Charlotte never had any conversations with her father, except from 'Tidy up your mess' and 'don't be impudent'. That always ended up in fights that made Julia cry. Then she used to slam the doors and stamp. Charlotte was feeling a bit guilty about that. It wasn't Julia's fault she didn't get along with her father. And Julia hadn't asked for a third daughter that wasn't hers…

When she thought about it, the only place were she really was feeling home, was Drover's, or Alex' house near Killarney. He had lived there alone for years, since Nick and Tess got married, and since Fiona had left, but Charlotte came over as much as she could.

Peter's youngest daughter, Natalie, was sixteen and that kind of girl people call 'bitch'. Natalie was a bitch of the worst kind. Everyone and everything that meant much to Charlotte was humiliated by Natalie. Her friends, her pictures, her room, her stuff. Her mother. Everything. Claire was a whore that had slept with HER dad. Charlotte was just an 'oops'. An accident. Not having any rights to live. In her heart Charlotte hoped Natalie would move out soon too. It was a pity Charlotte was only fourteen.

When she got out of the bus the rain had become only worse. Charlotte covered her head with her hood and started running the way to Drover's. The door was opened by Tess.

'Charlotte! What are you doing outside in this storm?'

Her coat was taken off by friendly hands and before she got the chance to say something she was sitting on the couch, wrapped in a blanket and holding a cup of hot chocolate.

She smiled. 'Thanks, auntie Tess.'

'Hey, BOM!' Nick had come in too hearing her voice and gave her a hug. She liked it everyone was still calling her BOM. Tough she was far from a baby now, of course.

'I reckon you came for Alex, didn't you?'

She nodded. 'I thought he'd be here.'

'He's upstairs,' said Tess. 'You know… in Claire's room.'

She looked like she'd had a rough day too. But, Charlotte thought, she was married. She didn't have to go through it alone. She nodded again and stood up, without taking off the blanket.

She found Alex in Claire's room, like expected, sitting on the bed. He was looking at pictures in photo albums so he didn't hear Charlotte coming until she sat down beside him. He put his arm around her shoulders and said nothing, a rarity for him. They just looked at the pictures together and went through past years. Claire and Tess as little girls, sitting on their father's lap. Claire in her teens. Claire with Peter. Claire with Alex. Charlotte smiled as she looked at a picture of Alex and Claire holding her as a little baby.

'I wish you had the chance to now her,' Alex said after a long silence. She took his hand and smiled weakly.

'Yeah, so do I.' She thought about her next words for a second. 'But… I believe she's still watching us. Maybe she's one of those stars out there.'

He smiled. 'Yeah, but then she'd be one that counts. Like… the sun.'

Charlotte laughed. 'That really is one that counts.'

They paused, both in their own thoughts. Alex thinking of his grief, fourteen years old but still so fresh on his mind, Charlotte wondering if she'd say what she wanted to say.

'Where… where did it happen?'

He looked at her, without asking any why-questions. He just stood up and took her with him.

'I'll show you.'

Alex didn't know if he was doing the right thing taking Charlotte to the cliff. He was scared for her to get hurt, but most of all, he was scared for the old feeling to return. The feeling he'd had when he had found Claire's empty body in her destroyed car. A feeling he had always hidden deep inside. But he didn't want Charlotte to think he was hiding for the confrontation with this place, so he took her with him in his car and drove her to the cliff.

'Here it is,' he said quietly, surprised he still knew the way to this place so well though he hadn't been here for years. She looked him in the eye and said nothing. She was very good at telling people more with a look then words could ever do, a thing that belonged to his memories of Claire. It was almost painful to see how much Charlotte looked like her mother. Claire. The reason for his heart to break, and to break again the moment he thought it was healing…

'Fiona, I love you, I don't want you to leave…'

'Oh, don't talk nonsense, Alex!' she shouted back, pulling her clothes and jewellery out of every closet.

'You're not over her.'

'Fiona, why would I marry you if…'

'Because it felt safe. Because you needed love to get over her! But it didn't work out, Alex. Maybe a few months, but I have never meant as much to you as she did.'

She looked at him sadly. 'I loved you, Alex. But I can't. Not anymore.'

She closed her suitcase and tried to get out, but he grabbed her wrist and stopped her.

'Where are you going?'

'I'm going back to town.'

'Fiona, please…'

'Alex,' she said fighting her tears. 'I know you broke down. I know you loved her. I know how much she meant to you. But it's four years ago and if you can't move on…'

'I have moved on! I married you!'

'But it was a mistake,' she shouted at him. 'I'm sorry, Alex,' she added much quieter. She took her bags and left. He knew it was useless to try to stop her. She just opened the door and stepped into the rain. She got in her car and dove off, without looking back. Alex kept staring even when she had disappeared around the corner at the end of the road.

He shook his head. That was years ago, when Charlotte was four years old, and he was still feeling guilty for Fiona, because in his heart he knew she had been right. After Claire died, he had never been so deeply in love with anyone. Marrying Fiona was a mistake he had made because he didn't manage on his own. And he had loved her. Just not the way he had loved Claire.

The cliff was deep and filled up with darkness, but it was enough to Charlotte. She just stood there, looking into the cliff where her mother had died, and where she would have died too if Tess wouldn't have been there to get her out.

Suddenly she stepped closer to the cliff edge and looked down. 'What's that?'

'What?'

'Something sparkling.' She was still moving closer to the edge. 'Maybe it belongs to her. I'll go down and…'

'No!' he shouted at her much louder than he meant to. He lowered his voice. 'Just don't… do that,' he said. He took her hand and gently took her back to the car. 'I don't want you to… come too close.'

He couldn't think of losing Charlotte too. He decided to go back another time, without Charlotte. Because he was almost sure that the thing in the cliff did belong to Claire, and he wanted to find it, whatever it'd cost…

Charlotte decided to stay with Alex that night, so he took her to his small house near Killarney and made her a bed on the couch. Something had changed in his eyes, and Charlotte kept looking at him while he was carrying blankets around to find out what was so special about the sparkling thing she had seen at the bottom of the cliff. Though, his face didn't tell her a thing. Maybe it had been too much to him to see this place again. She sighted, feeling guilty.

'What's wrong, Charlotte?' he asked her, getting rid of the blankets. She looked at him sadly.

'I'm sorry, Alex.'

He came closer and sat down next to her.

'Sorry for what?'

'For making you go there. For making you sad.'

He shook his head, smiled weakly. He put his arms around her and held her for a few minutes. She couldn't see if he was crying, but she was. She cried for her mother, for Alex, for the life that was taken away from them. For the fact she was living with her father she didn't mean much to. She cried for everything.

He let her go and gave her an envelope. She rubbed away her tears, thinking of something to say, but she didn't know anything right to say so she was silent.

'I'll go and get that thing in the cliff,' he broke the silence. 'Meanwhile, you can read that.' She nodded, unable to speak. She looked at him until he walked out of the house, listened to the sound of his car starting and kept silent for a while after. It took some time before she decided to read the letter Alex had given her. She slowly opened the envelope and looked at the date on the letter. The seventh of August, fourteen years ago…

My dearest Claire,

It has been a month since I lost you, but I haven't moved on ever since. My world stopped turning that moment I looked into your eyes and found emptiness inside of them. No one but you could understand what I felt at that moment. How my dreams broke down, my reason to live broke down, and how I broke down with all of my illusions. Illusions of a life shared with you. I still can't realise you're gone. My mind knows, but my heart is still waiting for you to replace it where your death tore it out.

I know I'll never have another chance to tell you how much I loved you, and words will never be able to capture the feelings that you gave me, but I just need to tell you this, and if you're still here with me, I know you'll be reading my mind. Like you used to. It hurts writing it down, facing it, but I wanted you to marry me. I bought you a ring but I left it in the car and when I found it back you were already gone. Never to return again, but always in my heart. Voices from a distance tell me I should carry on, but I feel like I'm swimming in an ocean all alone. And I'm sinking, Claire. I'm waiting to drown, but I'm not drowning. I'm simply not drowning. Because I know you wanted me to go on. And I will, some day. I'm wondering what Peter will do if he finds out what happened to you. But I won't let him take Charlotte. She'd everything I got left now. She's the only one able to reach my heart now, how much the other's may try to reach me. They're to busy coping with their own grief.

I've always thought our love would be indestructible, because it took me so long to tell you. When I heard stories of other people losing their lovers, I used to think that wouldn't happen to me, cause it can't rain in heaven. I was right in some way, it can't rain in heaven. But you can crash down from heaven, and that's how I feel. Crashed down. And not crashed down like the time I did with the chopper. That time you were there to get me out. Now you're gone and I'm trying to keep my memories away. They hurt too much. That time you were there to help me up, though you couldn't get up yourself. This time I crashed down and I'm not getting up. I'm not moving on. I'm just lying here, unable to move, feeling the cold rain on my face. Now you're gone and I wonder why you left me here alone. I'd have come with you. I'd have fallen down with you. I'd have died with you. But I'd have been with you.

I'd have done anything to take your place, to see you walk away holding your little princess. I'll move on, some day. You'd have killed me if I won't. I've got up several times, struggling to keep on moving, but I fell and I couldn't get up. But I know there will be a day I won't fall, and I will be able to go on. There will be a day I'll walk with my memories. Until that day you'll have to forgive me for not having the strength.

I love you, Claire. Always have and always will. And I know there will be a day I'll meet you again. Until that day I'll live my life for you.

Forever yours,

Alex

Charlotte felt her hot tears flowing from her eyes, crossing her cheeks and falling on the paper when she let the letter sank down. Fourteen year old grief filled up her heart, like it was hers. She took the picture out of her pocket, and crawling up on the couch she softly stroked it.

'Happy birthday, mum,' she whispered before falling asleep.

Rain was falling on Alex' face while he was climbing down the cliff. He felt it was getting colder, but it didn't bother him. The cord was getting slippery in his hands, but he didn't recognize until there were only two meters left between his feet and the bottom. But when he found out it was too late. He felt the pain when he violently hit the ground, but it didn't stop him. Something was sparkling a couple of meters away, and he started crawling the right direction. Pain kept trying to hold him, but he didn't stop until he was holding it in his hand. He kept sitting there, resting his back to the cliff's wall, knowing he wasn't able to get up again.

'Happy birthday, Claire,' he whispered before losing consciousness.