Disclaimer: Do not own Square-Enix, which isn't a bad thing cuase I don't know if I could create such masterpieces as the FF games. So hurrah for Square!
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The Meteor Incident had become a worldwide phenomenon that would be impossible for anyone on the planet of Gaia to forget. The ex-SOLDIER Cloud and his allies would forever be looked upon as heroes that saved the planet…even though they actually did jackshit to SAVE the planet and all they really did was kill Sephiroth. In fact, Aeris used her freaky-deaky Lifestream juju to save the planet, but let's forget that for now.
But does anyone know the true story of the Meteor Incident. A reporter named Remlap decided he would find out once and for all…
Cloud, Tifa, Reeve, Barret, Yuffie, Vincent, and Nanaki were all enjoying their 500,000 gil waste of space on Costa Del Sol. Well, maybe enjoy was too strong a word. Cloud was moping, Yuffie was running continuously in circles, Vincent was thinking about how much he hated everyone, and Nanaki wanted to shave himself cause he was frickin' hot.
Not to mention that everyone was freaked out that Barret had on his sailor costume again.
When the door to the 500,000 gil WOS (Waste of Space) opened up, Cloud stopped moping long enough to look up and hope it was Tifa in a bikini. Nope. It was only a short, squat reporter guy. Vincent looked at him, Nanaki stopped trying to attack himself hoping to knock some hair off, and Yuffie halted running in endless circles and then fell on her butt from dizziness.
The reporter extended his hand. "Hiya! I'm named Remlap and I thought I'd ask you a few questions."
"If you're here to shoot the others dead, I'm okay with that," hoped Vincent.
"No. I'm here because I wanted to find out what REALLY happened during the whole Meteor Incident so I decided to ask each of you to hear how it actually happened."
Vincent actually widened his eyes in interest and Nanaki cocked his head diagonally the way that dogs do when they're confused. Yuffie jumped up off her butt and brightened up. "Oooo oooo oooo! Ask me! Ask me! Ask meeeeeeeeee!"
"Fist I'll ask this weird blonde guy who uses hair gel," stated Remlap while prodding Cloud's head. Cloud jumped up in defense.
"Hey! I don't use hair gel!! Well, I guess I'll tell you what happened…"
CLOUD'S TALE (could this have happened?) Makomakomakomakomakomako
It all started one day when I was a teenager. I was living in my home of Nibelheim and my mom kept harping at me to get a damn girlfriend.
"I told you. I'm not interested." So then she told me that I should get a nice boyfriend instead. Rrrrr, it pissed me off! I mean, I'm just not interested right now but she just had to go on and on AND ON AND SHE WOULDN'T SHUT UP ABOUT IT CAUSE SHE THOUGHT I WAS TOO METROSEXUAL AS IT WAS!! SHE JUST WOULDN'T LEAVE IT ALONE AND IT WAS PISSING ME OFF AND…ARGHHHHHHHHH!!!
Cloud interrupted his tale by rocking in the corner of his living room in his WOS with his knees tucked up to his chest. Remlap just stared, too scared to speak. Then Cloud started talking to himself.
"What Mr. Voice-In-Head? You think I should calm down and just finish the story? Oh yeah, I did love that part!" Cloud laughed out loud then stood back up and faced Remlap. "Guess what? My voices told me I should continue, so let's mosey!"
Remlap was scared. Very scared.
Anyway, I decided to join SOLDIER in hopes of being noticed. In hopes that Tifa would notice me. In hopes that I would no longer be a nobody! I joined SOLDIER…and was just some damned nobody guard. Yep. Everybody wins. I lose. GOD, I HATE LIFE!!
Hmmm. Let me continue now that I've calmed down. So then my idol, my role model, my causer of rather disturbing erotic dreams decided to burn my town to the ground. Then that long, silver haired pretty-boy just sneered and walked through fire. Come on, HE WALKED THROUGH FIRE!! It should've burnt him, but apparently Sephiroth was 'too cool for fire.'
And oh yeah. He also threw a ball of material at my crotch.
So after Sephiroth burnt my town to the ground my mind decided to freak out for the next few years. I even agreed to join a resistance group called AVALANCHE. And that's when I saw her again…Tifa. My now she was a bartender and her measurements were obviously 48, 12, 20. Oh, and her skirt ended right at the top of her waist. I can remember the first things she said to me then.
Something like: "Blah blah blah blah Tifa blah blah blah boobies, blah, blah!"
Then I joined Barret and her as they went to their underground base and watched the news cast regarding how they successfully blew up a mako reactor. "…Rufus commented by telling everyone: 'Don't worry, I'm too drunk to taste that chicken.' In other news, today a mako reactor got destroyed claiming at least 100,000 innocent lives…"
Everyone just stared slack-jawed for awhile. Then the eruption. "FU& YEAH, WE MADE IT ON GODDAMN TV!!"
After that a lot of non-interesting things happened until I met a girl named Aeris. She was so nice, so sweet, and she even put me in a beautiful dress and some rather sexy thongs. Ahhh, I felt so…gorgeous that day. Anyway, long story short, Sephiroth killed her. But I took it like a man.
"BLARGGGGHHH! WAHHHHHH! OH, I'M IN HELL! I'M IN HELL! I'M IN HELL!" Took it JUST like a man.
Well, to make a long story even shorter let's get to my favorite part. I led the almighty charge against Sephiroth himself. When I met him, I looked at him, and he looked at me. I looked at him, and he looked at me. I looked at him, and he looked at me. Then I blinked. "Hah Cloud! I can even beat you at a starring contest! You suck!!!"
I unloaded on his butt. I ran up to him, used the Buster sword, then hit him 285,809 times in a row! Then he died! The end!
CLOUD'S TALE END Makomakomakomakomakomakomako
Cloud's headed was convulsing and he just continued shaking before Remlap asked if he was okay. Cloud's response? "Yeah yeah yeah, I'm okay, I'm okaaaaaay! Sure, I'm fine, I'm fine. I'm the man, I AM THE MAN! I gotta be okay cause if I'm not then Sephiroth making fun of me by calling me a spazz would be true….AHHHHHH!"
"You know, if you let me shoot you in the head, you'd feel better." Cloud continued spazzing out as Vincent sighed, knowing he wouldn't get a response from Cloud.
Remlap observed Vincent carefully. After intense thinking, Remlap thought he figured something out. "You're depressed, aren't you Vincent?"
"No, I want to wave about yelling how wonderful life is and have happy sex." Vincent rolled his eyes.
"Why don't you tell me how the events happened in your eyes? It might make you feel better." Vincent rolled his eyes while muttering something about a fat bastard then proceeded to tell his tale.
VINCENT'S TALE (could this have happened?) Makomakomakomakomako
Once upon a time I was shot by a total dickhead named Hojo. Then I was happily sleeping until some decrepit wiener with spikey hair woke me up. There was a hideously annoying ninja girl there too. Then a meteor was falling but everyone was saved because some dead chick did a funky hand jive and stopped the meteor. Everyone lived…unfortunately. The end.
VINCENT'S TALE END Makomakomakomakomakomako
Everyone just kind of stared at Vincent…except Cloud who wished he had been hit by a train at least 5 times. After about 10 minutes, Yuffie broke the silence. "…HEY! I'm not annoying!!"
This, and the fact that Yuffie never buttons her pants, caught Remlap's attention. Then Remlap did something that Vincent would regret him doing. Remlap asked to hear Yuffie's story. "FINALLY, it's about time!!"
YUFFIE'S TALE Makomakomakomakomakomako
Well, when I met Cloud and his party I was doing what I usually did: KICK BUTT! I was in a forest when a level 99 Behemoth happened upon me. I, the Sublimely Awesomely Great Ninja Yuffie, met this challenger! It roared and swiped me but I barely felt it. Then my awesome leg kicked the Behemoth in the shin with such power that it died!
At this point, a party of 3 people saw me devastate the foul creature! One was a guy with blonde pointy hair which could rival a hedgehog's. He didn't look that intelligent either. There was also his lady hooker friend named Tifa. And last was this big, black guy who looked retarded. They all stared at me in awe.
"What amazingly cool power she has!" Cloud was impressed.
"What a body!" Tifa was impressed.
"She kicks buttsex! She roxxors!" Well, Barret is retarded.
"Please, please join me and my hooker and retarded friends! Please, I don't think I could live another minute without you! Please, you make the world a better place!"
"Would you please join me, I'm so ugly compared to you but maybe you can give me fashion tips. Oh please!"
"Pwease us join! We've got no good way go boy!"
I thought it over and decided to join them. They were so overjoyed that they GAVE me all of their material! Then I found out that they had another party member, I doggie named Red XIII. And, like all doggies, he was dumb. But he liked me sooooooo much that he wanted to hump my leg! Kind of nice in a deranged, perverted way.
Then we came upon a place called Nibelheim. Of course, all of the enemies we encountered along the way simply bowed down to my magnificence. I didn't blame them. Then we reached a mansion and woke up some guy in red clothes. He woke up startled and screamed: AHHH, IT'S SQUISHY!
The guy fell instantly in love with me. His name was Vincent and he was so light and gay! Vincent greeted us. "Well hello darlings! We should go play happy fun games and enjoy some nice, light-hearted sex! Isn't the world lovely!?"
After leaving the town, we encountered Rocket City, named so because of the phallic-shaped item in the town. We met a guy named Cid who turned out to be a hillbilly wife-beater. "HEY YA LAZY FU&ING BITCH HAG, YOU BETTER MAKE SOME MOTHERFU&ING TEA RIGHT NOW OR I'LL SHOVE STRANGE OBJECTS INSIDE YA!" As you can tell, he was a pleasant edition into the party.
"YOU'RE THAT HOTASS BITCH YUFFIE, AIN'T YA! GLAD TO MEET YA, GLAD TO GODDAMN MEET YA! YOU ARE A NICE PIECE OF ASS, I WOULDN'T BE BEATING YOU, NO WAY…NOT WITH MY HANDS AT LEAST!"
Ya know what? Cid was pretty creepy really.
After a lot of boring events that had nothing to do with me, we finally arrived at the crater where the villain, Sephiroth, resided. When we reached there, Sephiroth tried to intimidate us by growing 7 feet tall, growing at least 34 wings, and had a 10 ft. sword. Everyone except me was scared.
"Oh my god, the end of our lives is near!"
"Oh my god, I never got to tell Yuffie that I love her!" …that was Tifa.
"Oh noes, my never gotten to blow things blast up!"
"…" That was Red XIII.
"Oh my god darlings! Sephiroth is soooo beautiful though! Ooh, spank me Sephy!" That was Vincent, just so you know.
"OH MOTHERFU&ING SONOFABITCH! WHAT THE HELL WE GONNA DO NOW!? SH&!"
Then I glared at Sephiroth and flexed my muscles. Sephiroth was obviously afraid of my might.
"Oh my god, please don't hurt me Yuffie!" Sephiroth started crying in fear. "Please, leave me alone! Yuffie is so scary that I think I'll wet myself!"
Then, using my Maliciously Cool Total Kickass Limit Break, I hit Sephiroth 39 times doing at lease 1,000,000 points of damage each. Then everyone celebrated my victory and decided to build a large Yuffie monument in Edge. Oh, and everyone in the world was so grateful that they decided to re-name the planet after me. THE END!
YUFFIE'S STORY END Makomakomakomakomakomako
The other's in the room could feel the immense anger that Vincent felt. Yuffie danced around, happy to have revealed what she believed really happened. Before Vincent could shoot Yuffie in the head 50 times, the door to the WOS opened.
In stepped Tifa in a bikini, as well as her lover Barret, also in a bikini. Tifa waved at everyone. "Hey, what's going on?" Cloud cried.
"Nothing, nothing, we were just telling this man the cool story of the Meteor Incident! Go me! Yuffie for the win!" Yuffie continued bouncing all over the place while Nanaki felt sad for only having 1 line in the entire collection of spin-offs.
Remlap then explained to Tifa what was happening. Tifa just had to get upset. "I am NOT a hooker! Me and my lover will explain what happened!" Cloud cried again.
TO Be Continued…
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Yay, finally got this first chapter done! Hope you people liked this! Please review! I want to try doing this with all the FF games, but since there are no sections on for crossing over all the FF games then I might just make a separate story for each game and put them in their respective categories. I'm not sure how I'll do it.