I stood on the doorstep in anxious anticipation. I knew by experience that the housekeeper, Mrs. Marilynn Parks would only come round to tell me again, the third time in the year that Mr. Holmes couldn't see me, he was either busy or not at home. The cold gusts of wind blowing on my face and the dead certainty that I would only be refused a visit again chilled me to the bone. My eyes felt moist and warm but my heart felt cold. I had always suspected that over the years, Holmes' regard for me would cool down once he moved away from London. He had no reason to remain in touch with me; this was how he disposed of everyone in his life. From the Musgrave Ritual, I had come to learn how little contact Holmes had with his former friends and acquaintances. He had treated his clients much the same way, he would put them perfectly at ease as he did with the client who brought us the case of the Copper Beeches, and then perfectly lose any interest in them.
I wanted to leave as I heard the slow, thudding footsteps of the housekeeper. She met me in the way she had met me for the past two years now. Her eyes were solemn and she seemed to be embarrassed as well as pained for my sake when she told me that Holmes wasn't home. I hadn't seen Holmes for over two years now, I had last spoken to him on the December of 1914. I had waited for half an hour before he received me in the hall.
"Yes, Doctor" had been his first words of conversation. A dull pain had eclipsed my chest when I heard that noun pronounced. Holmes had only called me Doctor in the initial stages of our relationship, when he had barely begun to admit me into his social circle. Now, I seemed to have regressed in his opinion. I carried on as if I hadn't noticed anything.
"Well, Holmes. It is good to see you after so long" I had told him heartily.
"Thank you" he'd replied formally. "Now, I am afraid that I can't spare you any more time, Doctor. I am going to have to ask you to leave. I am receiving a client in less than two hours. I will explain everything some other time".
"But Holmes" I had said, surprised beyond anything at his curt words and manners. "If you do not wish me to be there when your client arrives…"
"I don't. The matter is rather confidential".
"Then I can wait in some other room while you-"
"That will be hardly necessary. You have said everything that you wished to say to me, I hope?" he'd asked me.
"Are you angry with me?" I'd asked him, unable to contain myself any longer. He had let out a dry chuckle.
"Certainly not. However, if I may say so, my time is of some value…"
"Holmes, why are you treating me like a stranger?"
"What do you expect?" he'd asked me, his lips curling in contempt, his eyes compressed and critical.
"Why won't you talk to me? Is everything alright? Have I interrupted you? Why will you not talk to me?"
"Alright Doctor. I see the confusion. I'd like you to listen to me as I explain matters to you. We used to be on familiar terms with each other, we mutually benefited each-"
"Benefited? You think it was only that? You think I benefitted off of you?"
"Why, of course. Don't you consider publishing accounts in my name ever benefitted you? It gave you the added publicity you needed when you set up your own medical practice?"
"Holmes. How could you say that? I was your friend, Holmes. I wanted you-"
"Exactly. You wished my abilities to be known. And I appreciate that. I have also amply returned your good intentions, at least, monetarily, don't you think?"
"That is appalling, Holmes. You are going to evaluate my friendship in terms of money".
"Doctor, you will mind your words when you speak to me" he'd told me sternly.
"Why… why?"
"I'd also appreciate if you'd have the great goodness not to disturb me at present since I am busy with a case" he'd told me with an air of finality.
"After what you've said to me, Holmes, I'll never disturb you".
"That is completely your decision, Doctor" he'd told me.
When I left the room that day with in all the heat of humiliation, I had not imagined that that would be last words I would have with him for almost two years. I had returned six months later to find out that Holmes was making excuses through his housekeeper.
I felt my head grow dizzy when I heard those words and gripped the frame for support. Mrs. Parks seemed to grow alarmed and tried to stop me from falling by holding my shoulders.
"Are you alright, sir?" she asked me.
"Madam" I told her at last, steadying myself. "I need to talk to him. Tell him that this will be the last time that I disturb him" I told her. For a moment she stood still, contemplating whether or not to do anything against Holmes' will.
"I will tell him that the matter is very important" she told and left me quickly. She came back five minutes later, her face flushed and strained.
"He will see you, sir. I had to threaten him with my immediate resignation, but he'll see you" she told me.
"Thank you, madam" I told the housekeeper gratefully, heaving a sigh of relief. I walked in wearily, a pang of humiliation clawed at me, my eyes, now wet, and decided to leave for a moment. But I could not. I loved him. He had been my friend, and the best and wisest man that I had ever known. I wanted to see my friend, if only for the last time. I entered the room with trepidation.
He gazed up me with his old nonchalance and calmly waved me into a chair. He shifted till he was on the edge of his armchair and with his quick, impatient, direct way, said "Yes?"
"Can you spare me ten minutes of your time?" I asked him.
"You have not left me much choice. My housekeeper is very prone to being affected by dramas on doorsteps" he told me, leaving a bitter taste in my mouth. I smiled wearily at him.
"Alright, Holmes. I just wanted to have some last words with you"
"Last words" he asked me, lifting an eyebrow. "Does that mean that you will not be visiting me again?" he asked me.
"Yes" I told him after a pause.
"You could have informed me that by a letter but I am touched by your sense of responsibility" he told me dryly. I smiled again. The humour that would have cut me to the bone in normal circumstances now seemed welcome since I had not seen him in so long.
"What is it?" he asked me quickly, interrupting my thoughts.
"How are you?" I asked him, expecting him to repel my questions with more insults.
"I am very fine, thank you" he replied. His coldness struck me more than his contempt.
"How does your bee keeping go?" I asked him lightly.
"It goes well".
"What do you plan to do, Holmes? The last time we met, you told me you had a client. Are you planning to go back into promise again?"
"I might" he told me.
"But what of your retirement, Holmes" I told him with a heavy laugh. "I always suspected it wouldn't be permanent".
"Quite a sparkling bit of humour, Doctor. Is that all?" he asked me, unaffectedly.
"No, it wasn't" I told him, wondering whether or not to tell him everything. He had made it clear that he didn't care.
"Right! Here it is, Holmes! I have been suffering from chest pains lately. I have consulted a physician who suspects it may be lung cancer…" I paused.
Holmes remained speechless. He had paled considerably, his lip was apart and he was breathless. I was struck at the sudden emotion he had revealed. For a moment, we looked at each other in silence. It was Holmes who broke it. He swallowed hard before shakily asking, "And?"
"And I haven't yet tested for it" I told him, pausing again, not knowing how to continue but his struck face and his rapidly filling eyes made me feel thankful for the potential cancer. It was well worth it, as I had said before, it was worth a thousand wounds to know the depth of loyalty and love that lay behind that cold mask.
"Watson" he said, calling me by that name for the first time in two years.
"Holmes. I thought I should see you before I tested for it".
"You are not lying to me, are you Watson? You are not getting back at me?" he said, almost… pleadingly.
"I am not, Holmes".
"Watson, I am sorry. I am sorry for everything. Please forgive me. I will tell you the truth. The reason I've been avoiding you for the past two years is that I am working in a dangerous case. I thought you would get hurt if they knew you were my close friend. I thought I was protecting you. My house is under surveillance. So is all my correspondence. I did not want to endanger you. I am sorry, Watson. Please…"
"Please don't punish me". I almost cried out. Holmes had not grown cold to me. He had still cared for me.
"I am sorry, Holmes. I would never lie to you" I told him with conviction.
"I am going to get tested on Monday. I'll let you know when they tell me the result" I told him and for the first time in our acquaintance, I watched a single tear roll down my friend's cheek as he listened in breathless silence.