Part 41 of the Elfwine Chronicles. The Elfwine Chronicles are a series of one-shots built around the family group of Eomer, Lothiriel and Elfwine. The total number will depend on how many ideas I get for new vignettes.

A/N: This story follows "A Journey in the Darkness". It's best to have read that first.

Longing

(Feb, 8 IV)

To most of the world, the loss of a child before its birth is a sad, single event, and then life goes on. Even among the close family members, it is rarely spoken of and after a few years, at the most, they generally do not even think about it. To some extent, that is even true of the fathers of these lost babes.

But to the mother, these children are never completely gone. Every year, they are remembered with sadness on the anniversary of their passing, and all through her life, the mother wonders who the child would have grown up to be – boy or girl, tall or short, physically skilled or more given to deep thought. Who would they have married? What occupation would they have followed?

Once the initial pain and sadness has eased, the mother still finds herself beset with things that bring upon her unexpected sorrow. It was only a few months after I lost my child that my husband's sister, Eowyn, delivered her second child. While I rejoiced for her and Faramir at this new addition to their family, I could not escape the twinges, the reminders that I should have been expecting to deliver soon as well.

There was much regrowth going on in Edoras, and the bearing of children was part of that. It seemed each week there was news of another child expected or a successful birth to some happy family. I smiled and congratulated, but inside I ached.

Eomer and I tried for more children; indeed, we quite enjoyed the attempt. But months passed, and then years, and still no child was given to us. Perhaps because of what I had lost, I hungered to hold an infant in my arms again, to press it to my breast to suckle. It was not the same holding someone else's child, though I happily did so.

I could not think myself punished, for I did have a beautiful son, Elfwine, who was the joy of our lives. And yet, after our world had been so long in darkness and despair, I longed to fill the Golden Hall with laughing children.

Then it happened. My monthly flow did not appear as usual. I was reluctant to read anything into this, and tried to convince myself it was just an oddity. But then the second month was missed, and the third. Half-hopeful, half-fearful, I told my husband what I had observed. As I expected, he was thrilled, and did not seem at all concerned about it. Still, I could not help but worry that this child, too, would be snatched from me before I ever had a chance to know it.

I took extra precautions and avoided anything physical that I thought might endanger the babe. Eomer was disappointed that I would no longer go riding with him, but I think he understood, though he did not question me on it.

Although I did not voice my concern to my husband, I waited anxiously for the quickening. Only then would I allow myself to believe this child might be mine. I asked everyone who had recently borne a child when they had felt it move, but each gave a different answer so I knew not what to expect. Though it was not unusual, the longer I went without feeling stirrings within, the more I fretted that something was amiss.

Then, one evening, as we prepared for bed, I felt a fluttering in my stomach. It was quickly gone, and I could not be certain I had even felt it, so I kept my counsel and said nothing to Eomer. Over the next couple of weeks, the sensation came and went, and still I dared not hope too much.

And at long last, what I had waited for, and longed for, occurred. There was no mistaking the movement, or that it was becoming more frequent. As I settled into bed, on a warm summer night, I laid my hand upon my belly and enjoyed the antics of my child. Eomer glimpsed my expression just before he blew out the candle and climbed into bed beside me.

Quietly, he asked what was on my mind, and my response was to reach for his hand and lay it upon me. It did not take long for him to feel the movement also, and I laughed when he let out an excited whoop!

Suddenly this child had become very real to us and, for some reason, that movement broke through my reserve. I could no longer hide my pleasure at my condition. Elfwine was delighted at the prospect of a new brother or sister. When he was introduced to the baby's movement, his reaction mirrored his father's, and ever after he would periodically come up to me and "check on the baby".

My travail eventually came. I could have done without the pain, naturally, but when I was delivered of a beautiful little girl, all discomfort and worry was forgotten. I wearily fell to sleep gazing at her in her cradle, and was awakened to the sound of my husband singing her a lullaby, asleep on his chest.

We did have more children after that, though they came sporadically. But, always, there will be a spot in my heart for one tiny child who never joined our family in the flesh.

THE END

End note: It is not essential that you read the Elfwine Chronicles in the order they were written, but there is an advantage to doing so. The more of them that I wrote, the more likely I was to make reference to one of the previous ones and something that happened there. If you want to read them in order, go to the top of this page and click on my name (Deandra). That will take you to my profile page. Scroll down and you will find all the stories I have written. The Elfwine Chronicles are in order from bottom to top since ffn shows them in the order they were posted. A few were posted out of number order (#15 came after #17, I think), but you can read them in posting order or number order since those few won't be affected in the story content.