TITLE: Tenebrous Life

AUTHOR: Garrett TC

EMAIL: garrett_tc@hotmail.com

RATING: PG, for now.

COUPLES: B/A and a little W/T and X/A (B/R and B/S, but just in references)

SPOILERS: Seasons 1 through 5 and Bargaining. It goes AU after that.

DISCLAIMER: All the characters belong to Me, WB and UPN. And of course, the man, Joss Whedon. I'm just borrowing them.

FEEDBACK: I love it. The good, the bad and the ugly. I welcome it all.

DISTRIBUTION: You want it, ask. I usually say yes

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Ok, so this is the first Buffy story that I'm posting. It's probably going to be long, so be warned. Oh, and I'm really bad at titles. Any suggestions are welcome.





Buffy's POV



I remember thinking about heaven when I was a little girl. Sometimes, when the LA nights were too hot and foggy, Dawn and I would stay up late and talk about it. We'd go on about clouds, angels and a free arcade. It's funny, because I know how off base we were. I shouldn't say funny, I should say sad. Heaven was..., well it was a lot different than I expected. It wasn't really a place, it was more like a state of mind. Like that feeling you get after eating a big meal with friends and family. You just wanna sit back, relax and let the digesting begin. You're not thinking of anything. Not of life, or the problems that come with it. You just are. That's it.

Now it's definitely funny that I'm comparing heaven to pigging out, but it's the truth.

In movies and on tv, they say your life flashes before your eyes. Well, it doesn't. There's nothing like that. And you don't see a bright light, or a long, endless tunnel. You don't have a body anymore, so it was a little strange at first. I had always been in good shape. I was perfectly in tune with my body. So, it was really annoying when I couldn't even move. But then, I felt myself be, I don't know, drawn to somewhere.

Then, I was moving. I was going so fast I wasn't sure what was going on. Colors and shapes were flashing by my eyes and I almost felt like I was spinning. I was suddenly thankful I didn't have a body, because I knew I'd be sick if I did. I was never good at the whole 'ride' thing.

Then, I suddenly stopped.

I always expected to see the 'Pearly Gates' when I died. One of those saints, I think Paul or Peter, would greet me. They'd be totally impressed by all my good deeds, and let me in. Then, I'd see my mom. That was what I used to dream about; my mom.

The fact that no one was waiting to welcome me into heaven, or wherever I was didn't bug me. I always hated standing there like an idiot when someone would thank me for saving them. I always felt it was pointless and embarrassing. Like when you go out for diner on your birthday, and all the waiters gather around your table and sing to you. All you can do is sit there, smiling at no one in particular. You can't wait till it's all over. So, the absence of a welcome comity was a plus.

But the fact that I never saw my mom....that made me feel like I was in hell. I was devastated. But then, this feeling suddenly passed through me. My mom was safe, and happy wherever she was, and I felt great comfort knowing that. I just stopped worrying about things. I didn't care that watching me die probably destroyed Dawn in a way. It didn't bother me that there were dozens of demons to be slain that had escaped the portal. Hell, I didn't even think about what my friends must be feeling. The pain and the loss that must have been consuming them. I knew that they loved me, and that they would understand why I did what I did.

That's when I knew that I was in heaven; when didn't care about all the burdens in my life. And it felt so good to not care. Well, not that I didn't care, I just didn't think about it. I felt the way I always wanted to. The way I felt before I was called. Before the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I felt at peace for the first time in my life. Well, not in my life, obviously. Make that the first time ever. And being ripped out of there, it did something to me I never thought possible. Dying at the master's hands didn't do it. Losing Angel to Angelus was one of the worst moments of my life. Then having to send him to hell was devastating but I survived. Losing Faith to the dark side and the breakup was a double whammy, but I kept on going. Riley's betrayal and mom's death almost pushed me to edge, but I came back, as always.

But, what happened to me, being pulled out of paradise, that did the unthinkable. It broke me. Being forced to live in a world where all that pain, all that suffering exists again. And knowing it was my friends, that was the worst. They were so proud of what they had done. They didn't even see my pain, didn't even see me.

When they brought me back I was miserable. And there was only one thing I wanted. It was the one thing I was cursed to always want, but never have. I bet you can get what, or should I say who, it was. So, when everyone finally calmed down, and I had a chance to settle into my life again, I sat down for my first real 'talk' with Willow.

I found her alone in her room. She was sitting on her bed reading some book. The house was empty, except for the two of us. I watched her for a while. She was on the same page for about five minutes. I thought it was weird because, hello! This is Willow, super genius. Ms. "I-can-read-an-average-of-150-words-a-minute." I could tell she couldn't concentrate. So, I took pity on her and knocked softly on the door. Her head snapped up, and her eyes turned to me immediately. I could tell she'd been expecting me.

"Hey, Buffy. What's up?" she said. She had that look on her face. That proud look that said "I just saved her form an eternity in hell." If she only knew.

"Um, not much." I was still kind of shaky from the resurrection and totally uncomfortable around everyone, bu there was no way I was going to tell her that. "Can I, um... Can I talk to you about something?"

Her eyes lit up and a huge smile broke out on her face. She closed her book and sat up straight. She was all too eager to talk.

"Sure. You know you can tell me anything, Buffy"

"Yeah, I know Will." I was trying to be polite, but I just wanted to tell her and get it over with. I crossed my arms over my chest and kept my body taught, and aware. I hadn't been able to relax since I came back, and being nervous didn't help.

"I, uh, need you to do something for me."

She was getting really excited. "Yeah, sure. What do you need?" Her smile grew.

I knew it was now or never. "I...I need you to take me to LA."

There was a huge pause and a look of shock spread across her face. I could tell she wasn't expecting that.

"I need to see Angel."