What It Feels Like…For A Girl
(Grasping For Daylight)
"What It feels Like For A Girl"
[Spoken:]
Girls can wear jeans
And cut their hair short
Wear shirts and boots
'Cause it's OK to be a boy
But for a boy to look like a girl is degrading
'Cause you think that being a girl is degrading
But secretly you'd love to know what it's like
Wouldn't you
What it feels like for a girl
Silky smooth
Lips as sweet as candy, baby
Tight blue jeans
Skin that shows in patches
Strong inside but you don't know it
Good little girls they never show it
When you open up your mouth to speak
Could you be a little weak
Do you know what it feels like for a girl
Do you know what it feels like in this world
For a girl
Hair that twirls on finger tips so gently, baby
Hands that rest on jutting hips repenting
Hurt that's not supposed to show
And tears that fall when no one knows
When you're trying hard to be your best
Could you be a little less
Do you know what it feels like for a girl
Do you know what it feels like in this world
What it feels like for a girl
Strong inside but you don't know it
Good little girls they never show it
When you open up your mouth to speak
Could you be a little weak
Do you know what it feels like for a girl
Do you know what it feels like in this world
For a girl
In this world
Do you know
Do you know
Do you know what it feels like for a girl
What it feels like in this world
I leaned my head against the headrest of the car that was transporting me to my very own special seventh circle of hell. Closing my eyes, I thought back to the moments leading up to the vicious drive to dismal Forks, Washington. The memories played out like a movie montage behind my eyelids.
I wailed in the middle of the muddy dirt road, on my knees, tears tracing their way down my cheeks. Through the tears, I saw the 4Runner disappear out of sight as it rounded the curve. I couldn't get past the news that screamed its way through my brain, squashing my heart unrepentantly. AMBER WAS DEAD!!!! She was never going to sneak in my window and plead with me to sleep at my house again!
My heart splintered and caught fire again. Her mother had found her in the bathtub, her body empty of blood, a kitchen knife sunken at the bottom of the bathwater, her wrists slashed open. For months, she had been telling me of her mother's displeasure of our love affair. Her mother had thought me unworthy of her daughter's attention, me being the son of a harebrained tarot card reader. Her parents were devout Catholics and believed that my mother was Satan incarnate.
Amber had told me that she would rather die than be without me. I had always told her that she was being too melodramatic and steered the conversation into a lighter area. If I had only listened to her. I had thought several times about just getting in my crappy little Honda Civic, going to her house and getting her and her stuff and just skipping town. A week prior to her death, I just went for it; she was thrilled of my decision for us to run away together.
Unfortunately, the police officer that pulled us over wasn't too happy. Her parents had called the cops the second they found her out of her room. They gave my car's description to the police, including my license plate number. We were caught three hours later. Her parents dropped the kidnapping charges with my mother's promise that we would never see each other again.
I remember the last time I saw her: her face was tearstained and her eyes were puffy, red and swollen. The agony etched on her face was tangible. She had bruises all over her from fighting with her parents. I felt my heart begin to die right then. Her shoulder length crimson tinted brown curls were extraordinarily unkempt. Her tight ringlet curls were normally magnificent. They framed her face so beautifully. Even her ice blue eyes looked dead. She looked right in my eyes and told me the words that cut my heart out: "Edward, my mother has shown me that our relationship was never destined to last long. It was puppy love. I don't want to lie to you anymore, I don't love you. I don't want to be with you anymore. I figured that after you have been so loyal to me over the past five years that you deserved to hear this face to face and not over the phone." With that carefully rehearsed lie, she kissed my forehead and turned her back to me and walked right out of my life.
I tried not to think of my pain, only focusing on hers. The betrayal hung in the air like a poisonous gas, threatening to choke me. I cried myself to sleep for the first time that night, repeating that routine each night for the next four nights until the fateful day that her parents came knocking on my door.
My head still ached from all the crying that I had been doing as of late. I went to the door and unceremoniously flung the door open to cease the pounding on it. To say that I was shocked to be face to face with the two people in the world that starred nightly in my nightmares is an understatement. I felt my mouth drop open. Amber's mother took a step forward to close the gap between us and raised her hand. She had slapped me right across my cheek, instantly making me furious. I stepped back, seconds away from slamming the door in her emotionless face. She narrowed her eyes and began the few short sentences that finished demolishing my world.
"I really hope that you are proud of yourself, Edward Swan. Amber was found dead this morning in the bathtub. The grief that she felt about leading you on all those years finally did her in. I really hope that you can sleep all the way through the night; God knows we never will again. She cut open her arms with a kitchen knife! Don't stare at me like you're stupid, you fucking brat!! This is all your fault!" By then, her carefully constructed façade crumpled completely and she reduced herself to sobs.
I was incredulous. How dare she?! "You fucking cunt!!" I screamed, launching myself out of the door, knocking her to the ground, my knees on either side of her hips, ready to punch her right in her lying fucking mouth. "It is not my fault BITCH!" I spat, "It was the story that you made her tell that finally broke her! I was the one that always had to be there to pick up the pieces when you shattered her over and over again!"
Her husband grabbed me roughly, throwing me back through the open door. By the time I had gotten back to my feet, they had already made it back to their car and were backing out of the driveway. I ran out to the road, picking up stones and throwing them as hard as I could at their back window. The last surge of anger I was able to muster helped me propel a large stone at the window; sadly, I didn't feel any better when I heard the back window shatter. I was only able to sink desolately to my knees, my hands ripping through my hair. GONE!! Amber was gone!
Two weeks later, the depression had gotten worse, my mother was no help. She swore that Amber's death was proof that she wasn't strong enough emotionally to live in this harsh world. I climbed dejectedly into a warm bath fully clothed. I silently cried as I clutched the old kitchen knife in my hand, and dragged the sleeves up my arms. I was hell bent that I would be seeing Amber soon. If the punishment for killing yourself was hell, well then, bring it on. I could only pray that Satan himself would see fit to let me be tortured next to her.
I let out a shaky breath and put the cold blade to my wrist. Pushing as hard as I possibly could, I dragged the blade up my arm, not stopping until I reached my elbow. Then I did the same to the other arm. At first, the massive torrents of blood that mingled with the water alarmed me. I fought the urge of calling for help by remembering that this was the only way I could see her. Only seconds later, my mother was in the bathroom screaming at me. She put pressure on the wounds until the paramedics got there.
A week later, she came into my room with a complete parental look on her face. She glanced down at my stitches, seventy-three in each arm to keep the wounds closed. "Okay, so." She started. I knew that this was not going to be easy for her; she didn't like to act like a parent. "I talked to your father about what happened. He is as worried about you as I am. You are going to live with him. Your flight leaves tomorrow at nine am." The tears began their silent course down my face as I thought about what that meant.
I was heading to the place where my father lived. They averaged twelve sunny days a year. TWELVE! What in the hell was I supposed to do with that?? I did the only thing that I could do: I cried myself to sleep. Sixteen hours later, I was in my father's police cruiser speeding towards the perpetually rainy and small town of Forks.
I threw myself into my studies, getting better grades than I ever had. I had only been at Forks High for two weeks when my world shifted again, turning itself over on its ear.
I was sitting at the lunch table with the closest thing I could call my friend. Mike was blabbering on about some girl that he had been looking at for a serious round of mattress wrestling. I was eating my pizza and salad, not really noting the taste. From out of the corner of my eye, I saw movement and instinctively looked toward the movement.
My breath caught in my throat as I studied the girl I had never seen before glide into the cafeteria. She was about 5 foot, 6 inches tall, had chocolate brown hair, butterscotch eyes and a body to die for. What caught my attention was her outfit. Most of the girls in this damned school were overly obsessed with how they looked. It looked like this girl just didn't give a damn…just like Amber. She wore a tight and faded t-shirt declaring that she was "deliciously dangerous" and a pair of ripped shiny black leather pants. The rips started right at her pantyline and went down across her legs about five inches apart the whole way down each leg.
Mike caught me ogling her and quickly snapped me out of my inspection, "Ah, I see you have noticed Bella Cullen. Isn't she gorgeous? Apparently, none of the guys around here are good enough for her. We all think she's batting for the other team." He whispered conspiratorially. I couldn't help but sigh at the thought of her licking down a girl's body. "Seriously dude, she's waaaaay out of your range." I nodded my head in agreement; it's not the first time that I'd been told that I was unworthy of a girl.
It was then that I knew; I had to meet this Bella Cullen.