A Breath of Gristmas Heir

Twas the night before Gristmas when all through the hive not a creature was sterring, not even a a sqeakbeast. The stocking were hung above the fireplace with care, in hopes that Santa soon would be there. The wrigglers were nestled all nug in their coons. With visions of Prospit and of Derse and their moons.

NOW FUCKASS YOU WONDER WHY IVE TOLD YOU THIS STORY? FOR IF I DID NOT YOU WOULD NOT KNOW WHY, ALL THE LITTLE TROLL BOYS AND GIRLS MUST DIE! All THEIR CARING AND SHARING I AM SO SICK! EVEN VRISKA STOPPED BEING A BITCH! BUT THAT EGBERT I SWEAR ALL HE TALKS ABOUT IS GIVING. BUT NOT I! FOR I REFUSE TO ACCEPT THIS HUMAN CHRISTMAS. THE CAROLS, THE GIFTS THE COOKIES I HATE IT ALL! NOW BACK TO THE STUPID STORY.

Now where were we? Oh yes. Now the wrigglers sleeping soundly knew not of the crab stealing their gifts, food , and their mistletoes too. But one little human boy who the crab just might have known awoke just as he passed the boys room. "Karkat? Why are you stealing my tree?"

"BECAUSE NOOKSTAIN YOU DO NOT LOVE ME!" the crabby troll said becoming a bright candy red color. "Karkat that is not true! I do love you I do I do I do!" John said waving his arms around like an idiot.

"I DO NOT NEED YOUR STUPID PALE BORDERLINE FLUSH LOVE. CALL ME WHEN YOU DECIDE YOU WANT TO FILL A QUADRANT." The troll boy said walking towards the door with the tree. "Karkat wait!"

John said as he ran up to the young troll boy. "WHAT THE FUCK COULD YOU WANT EGBERT?" karkat said as he stopped dead in his tracks. "Karkat look above you." John said with his signature egbertian smile. "

WHAT THE FUCK JOHN? WHY IS THIS STUPID PLANT THING ABOVE US? IS THIS SUPPOSED TO STOP M-" Karkat was cut off as John closed the distance between them. "No but that was."

Said John with a smirk that could have only have been taught from master strider himself.

John's mother and father decided to show up just as the boys had kissed. "Gasp Honey I was right! John baby mommy gets five bucks from daddy!" Said John's mother running back into their room to likely snatch five bucks from his father's wallet.

"Son I am so proud of you. Not only have you saved our tree but not you've had your first kiss. I remember my first kiss…David sure knew how to make a manly young man swoon." Said Jonathan Egbert with a distant look in his eyes. "Dad ew no one wants to hear your fantasies about Mr. Strider."

They all sat and talked, well almost everyone Karkat was still imaging Mr Egbert and Mr strider having sloppy make outs.

"Son would you like me to bake you a cake?" Said Jonathan "Honey don't be silly! Cakes are dumb lets bake cookies."

And from that day on Karkat never ate cookies again.

Hi everyone! Hope yall are having a good Christmas! I wrote this mostly to be something funny and not serious so sorry if it is not as good as it could be.

Id like to just take the time and say if any of you actually read this you are awesome and I hope you and your family and friends have a wonderful Christmas.