To Say Goodbye
'I could save the world but lose you.' Once upon a time, when he was a different man, he had spoken those exact words to her, how cruelly prophetic that now it appears that saving the world and losing her is what has actually happened.
He walks away from that white wall and Torchwood alone. He needs to get used to that again since that is what he is now. Alone. No one to stop his hearts with a breathtaking smile. No one to hold his hand. Somehow he is back in the TARDIS before he even realizes that he has reached it. The Doctor does not remember getting back to his ship but it clearly happened since he finds himself sending them into the vortex.
He stands at the console, head bowed, eyes closed and tries to focus only on breathing. He needs to be calm. He needs to think clearly. He needs to solve this problem and find a way to bring Rose home even though he knows, deep down in his bones, that it is truly impossible.
He gets the scans up and running; not even certain what he is actually looking for but hoping he will recognize it when he sees it. The Doctor then walks to the library which the TARDIS has kindly moved closer so that he can get to work.
The Doctor spends weeks researching, barely eating and only sleeping on the library sofa when his eyes close involuntarily from exhaustion, and still he finds nothing which is what he was expecting but it is no less infuriating. He reads books on anything and everything – from various planets and times – for any hint of something that will give him the answer he needs.
There is nothing. There is no safe way across.
The TARDIS has been alternating her time between running the scans the Doctor set and trying to get him to take care of himself. So far she is failing on both counts. He either ignores her, blocks her, or swats her away as though she is nothing more than an annoying insect. She resents his behaviour even as she understands the reason for it. He is not the only one who lost someone though. She has lost her Wolf after all.
Finally, the Doctor relents and agrees to leave the library. The TARDIS hopes that he will stop somewhere. Even if it is just for a moment, for a glimpse of real sunlight and some fresh air, but he only gets as far as the console room before he sits down and begins running new calculations. As though this new set will grant him the magical, happily ever after answer he so desires.
He spends the next week on the jump-seat running his calculations. The TARDIS understands now that this is futile. Everything he, they, are doing is futile. There is no happy ending here and they both know it but still the Doctor refuses to relent and the TARDIS can only follow along for now.
Sparks fly off the console and nearly singe his hair (and actually do cause his tie to alight for just a moment before he brushes it off and maybe it is a bit darker on the ends but it is still wearable) as he slams his fist down most likely shattering something important but he does not care about that right now. He cannot afford to care about that right now. He has far more important things he needs to be working on at the moment.
He is frustrated and angry though as all of his calculations are coming out to the same answer: It is impossible. There is no way to bring Rose home. The universe will not allow it.
No. No, he does not accept that. There is a way. There has to be. He will find it. He just has to work harder, be better, be smarter, be clever. Solve the puzzle, find the answer. No mistakes, no mistakes, no mistakes. Bring Rose home.
The Doctor looks up in exasperation when the room goes dark for a moment. He is well aware that the TARDIS has been trying to get his attention for quite some time but he does not want to be bothered with whatever it she wants from him right now. Whatever it is will have to wait. This is too important.
The lights come back on and her pitch is louder than he has heard it in a while and he knows she wants him to rest and have something to eat but he is afraid that if he stops working he will miss the moment when he would have been able to reach Rose.
The Doctor is determined that he will not fail her. Rose Tyler had made herself perfectly clear in her opinion on going to Pete's World for the rest of her life. She had chosen him. She had stood next to him on that planet and promised him forever. That was more than a promise, it was a vow and he is holding her and the universe to it.
He loves her. He never worked up the courage to tell her even though he came close on several occasions. He thinks she knows. He hopes she does but just to make sure he will not, cannot, fail her.
There is a way and he will find it. He will find a way to cross the void. He will persist until he discovers how he can slip in to Pete's World and bring Rose Tyler home where she belongs and this time, he will not hesitate in telling her exactly how much she means to him. How very much he loves her.
Something beeps and he is instantly focused. A gap. There is a gap. For a moment his hearts soar and excitement fills him. He can get through. He can get to Rose. Then the exact measurements come in and everything, once again, comes crashing down around him. The gap is merely a sliver. There is no way that he could ever force the TARDIS through. He would do it even if it meant he and the TARDIS ended up trapped in Pete's World as well but with the way things stand, there is not enough room to even force their way in.
Something wet hits his hand and it is only then that he realizes that he is crying. The Doctor hastily wipes his eyes. There is no time for self-pity. There has to be something and there is nothing. Nothing. All of space and time, the entire universe, at his disposal and somehow it all comes to nothing.
He takes a minute to pull himself back together and looks back at the scans and the gap. Maybe, maybe he can't get through. Maybe there will be no actual rescue mission. Maybe, this time, there is no joyful reunion. Maybe the universe wins again, whilst one more time he loses everything. That gap is interesting though and it is also getting smaller.
He needs to hurry. He knows there is no way through but if he moves fast enough he should be able to send a projection. If nothing else, he can say goodbye. He promised Rose that he would not just leave her behind and there is still a chance that he can at least give that to her for whatever it might be worth.
A hologram, that might just work. It will take an enormous amount of power to send one to Rose and so many variables need to be in play for it to even have a chance.
Step one: find or create a supernova that he can use as a power source.
He takes a deep breathe. It is time to get back to work.