Taking
Disclaimer: Oh well, I am sure you know it by now, I do not own Glee.
A/N: simple, read and enjoy, or so I hope
love, M
„Here is the thing," Kurt says with a deep, shaky sigh that speaks of desperation, even more than fear, "I know how she feels, because that was me, for so long. I hear her talk, and what makes it so painful is that, unlike the others surrounding her, I do not only hear the words, but understand what they mean to her. She does her best to sound as detached as possible from everything. She must feel so alone. I thought she might be alright after what happened, what she did for us at the benefit last year, but…how she stood up for us was just so…."
Blaine, lying on his back on their shared bed, is holding Kurt close to his chest. Blaine's own breathing is labored, made that little harder, with Blaine trying to keep it as silent as possible, as to not miss a single word Kurt speaks and especially none of those that Kurt can only bring himself to whisper into Blaine's chest.
Never before has Blaine felt so irritated by the sound of his heart pumping, pounding in his own ears.
Kurt looks up from where his head is resting.
"Blaine?" Kurt reaches up with one hand to wipe away the tears from Blaine's surprisingly angry and worried looking face, using his left to sit up a little.
"Babe, why are you crying? Can you take a deep breath for me, please? You are so still under me it kind of scares me."
Taking the requested deep breath Blaine notices for the first time since they settled themselves down on their bed, how deep the knot in his chest sits, and how heavy it feels.
"Kurt," Blaine says with a pleading voice, "I know I am…but it feels like I can't breathe."
Kurt acts immediately. It is not the first time since Blaine moved into his home, a couple of weeks back during summer break, that a bad memory comes rushing back somehow, and this time Kurt finds himself rummaging in his dresser for the plastic bag he is now permanently keeping in his and Blaine's shared room.
Blaine insists the bag is kept out of sight, not wanting to feel like the next panic attack is a certainty just waiting to happen.
When Kurt stops wringing his hands because he has spotted the bag in the left-hand side of the upper drawer, Blaine is already sitting slumped over on their bed, his head wresting between his slightly parted legs in an attempt to get the air, which feels incredibly stubborn today, to stop wrestling with him and re-enter his lungs.
Kurt darts over, bag in one hand, helping Blaine to get a proper grip on it, and as soon as Blaine has taken hold of the bag with both hands Kurt places his own right gently over Blaine's hands and helps him lead the bag up to his mouth; Kurt smiles when he starts to feel his left hand, which is resting on Blaine's back, begin to slightly rise and fall with his boyfriend's now once again steadier breathing.
After a short while, that still feels painfully long to both boys, Blaine's breathing becomes less of an effort.
When Blaine finally lowers his hands - still holding the bag - into his lap, having at some point moved to sit cross-legged, he sports a small, grateful smile, "Thank you, Love."
Kurt briefly returns the smile, "I will be right back. Okay?"
Blaine simply nods, fairly sure that he knows what comes next, and wonders if preparing some food has always been the reaction Kurt shows to an unsettling event in his life. He understands that their lies a calm in it for Kurt, that comes close to meditation; every movement so well known, the act of pulling out a plate and pouring a juice, or making some coffee comes without thought.
Kurt takes the bag from Blaine's hands and moves to place it back into the drawer, into the exact same spot he found it today. He had not been here during the last panic attack, and therefore had had to look for the bag what felt like way too long for comfort, so this is to make sure it won't happen again, and in the next weeks Kurt will make it his policy to check every morning and every evening that the bag is in its place before he goes to brush his teeth. He sometimes will worry that it might become a slightly obsessive tick, if this continues for too long, but he knows already that he would rather risk having to ask Miss Pillsbury for advice on OCD issues than having Blaine suffer a moment longer than he absolutely has to, just because he might one day not be able to find a plastic bag.
When Kurt slips out the door Blaine knows he should lie back down for a moment to steady his breathing further but his chest still feels so tight that he cannot shake the deep, persistent longing for fresh air.
It is the same kind of urge he usually only feels after waking up in a darkened room, after a bad night's sleep, a headache pounding away at his temples, and chest heavy and tight just like before a panic attack.
He sometimes wonders when it was that he first started finding himself waking to those feelings, loaded with such intense anxieties heavily pressing down on his chest, rendering any attempt at breathing impossible for mere moments, that in his mind always kept stretching into hours and hours.
Of course there are also the dreams, well, nightmares.
He shakes his head trying to loosen and hopefully eventually really lose the images which somehow seem to have been superglued into whatever part of his brain is responsible for this. Blaine wishes so badly they would just drift out of sight, but the repeated shaking of his head does nothing, except bring his headache back with even greater force.
Moving up from the bed and towards the window a little too quickly Blaine has to steady himself on the wall before his vision ceases to be blackened and slightly blurred with sparks and dizziness.
Before he can move his left hand away from the wall and to actually open the window wide, Blaine has to take a moment in which he sinks his head between his shoulders and opens his mouth wide, taking in deep, heaving breaths.
He finally opens the window, and as he tries to focus on the cool evening air he reminds himself 'Sometimes try is all that I can do,' with a small smile he thinks of the words that Kurt keeps telling him over and over in so many different ways and variations 'Most times trying is enough to get better'.
"What would I do without you!" Blaine whispers to himself, and hearing it out loud, even only in his own voice, is all it takes for Blaine to almost break into tears. After all, what would he do without Kurt?
Eyes closed in an attempt to push all bad thoughts away, breathing already back on its way to being painfully uneven, Blaine is grateful to be shocked out of his reveries when he hears the clinking of glasses and plates on a tray that he knows Kurt is just busy placing on their nightstand. After all, he has seen him do just that many times in the last weeks.
"I am sorry to bring you so much pain." Kurt catches Blaine's whisper and responds instantly.
"Shh, shh, Blaine. What did we say before," Kurt gently coaxes Blaine on, arms coming around Blaine, resting on Blaine's stomach, and Kurt's right cheek pressed into Blaine's curls.
Blaine exhales and then inhales the fresh air deeply before answering, "We will get through what happens to whichever one of us, together, by being honest with each other when something happens, and not pushing each other and whatever is going on away. How much more often are you going to make me repeat that?"
"Feeling better?"
"Yes."
"There you have it; so I am going to make you tell me about our agreement over and over until you feel better for good."
There is a moment of comfortable silence growing between the two when, "Babe?" Kurt almost hums it, so soft is the sound coming from his mouth.
"Yes, Love," Blaine replies feeling his breathing just about to fall into a comforting rhythm with Kurt's.
"What got you so worked up?" There is slight hesitation in Kurt's words.
"When you started talking about Santana,..." Blaine lets out a silent sob, that Kurt pressed so close to Blaine's back can still feel running through Blaine's body and wash over his own chest.
"I love you, you know you don't have to tell me anything if it makes you uncomfortable or upsets you."
Blaine continues after taking a deep, deep breath, "I talked to her a couple of days after Mr. Schue threw her out of Glee, and she is so unhappy, much more than she lets on. I think she talks only to me about it, because she feels like the rest of Glee Club has already that preformed picture of her, and she does not know how to break through that without laying herself and all she feels she has left, among which are the Cheerios, completely on the line. The fear of losing everything is just too big for her right now, I think."
Kurt gently places a kiss into Blaine's curls.
"Kurt. I know what it feels like to think there is nothing you can do to get people to see you for who you are and still have them love you. You feel like you have to choose. And everything seems so impossible, so you kind of get trapped in your old ways. For me it took meeting you to see that there is no love to lose, in the first place, if people cannot accept that you are not what they imagined or assumed you to be all along."
"People who don't allow you to change don't love you but only the function you fulfill in their lives. Something like that?"
"Yes, Babe," Blaine smiles, "pretty much exactly that. And Santana is trying to hold on to what she knows as love, and until she finds someone who takes a fresh unbiased look at her, and thereby helps her do just that for herself…"Blaine is crying again "…I want her to know happiness. She looks so sad all the time, and it makes me even sadder to see that a lot of people who call themselves her friends don't seem to notice at all. So when you told me that you notice, but don't know what you can do for her, I was…It touched me, and it hurt, because I wish there was a way we could show all that to Santana. I just don't think she will truly let anyone in right now. I feel so helpless."
Kurt moves in front of Blaine, hugs him tightly and lets him cry into his shoulder.
"We will find a way to help her, Blaine, we will. But we also need to give it, and to give her a little time. You said it yourself, it takes the person being ready to let someone else close and eventually in. I am so proud of you for being there for her, I understand how hard it is for you to be close to her when she is like that, feeling powerless yourself, and being reminded of how your parents made you feel all the time."
"Hey, look at me," Kurt adds a moment later, placing a hand gently under Blaine's chin, tilting his head up slightly as soon as Blaine allows the movement, looking straight into Blaine's eyes he says "You are helping her by being there, just being there, you know that, right? You helped me last year so much, you still do, every day, by being there. I will always be there for you if you need me, don't ever doubt that."
"Okay. Yes," Blaine still half sobs.
They stand like that for a while, arms wrapped lovingly, but tightly around each other; the autumn air slowly filling the room, making the boys aware of the warmth their bodies are spending each other.
"You know," Blaine whispers, "it is going to be wonderful spending the cold months sleeping in your arms."
"Oh, so we are back with the blanket and pillow theory? Wait, I thought I was the pillow, you made me sound like a blanket just there."
"Whatever keeps me in your bed Kurt," Blaine replies with a smile.
Kurt, unknowingly matching the expression of the boy still in his embrace, feels compelled to whisper back "Our bed."