What Hurts The Most
Chapter 1
Naruto stared down at the razor blade in his hand and contemplated just making a small cut. He had promised his best friend that he wouldn't cut anymore, but Naruto needed to be able to release the emotions that he was currently feeling. Two weeks ago had been one of the worst days of his life. His older brother whom had been diagnosed with cancer three years ago had been told that the cancer was back and it was much worse then it was before. Naruto could still remember the fear as the doctor had entered the room, Naruto could tell from the moment that the blonde woman entered that the news wasn't good.
"I'm sorry." The doctor who had introduced herself as Tsunade had said. "But I'm afraid the cancer is back and it has spread to his bones."
"What does that mean?" A tired looking Minato Namakazi had asked.
"That means that the cancer is worse, I think that the only thing that can possibly help him now is a bone marrow transplant." Tsunade said. "I know this isn't the news you wanted to hear." Tsunade turned towards Naruto who was silently squeezing Kurama's arm.
"I would like your permission to test Naruto's blood and see if they are a match." Tsunade said. "Siblings are often the best ones to check for bone marrow as they are often the same blood type."
"Do whatever you need to do. I will do anything I can to save his life." Minato said. He knew that Naruto didn't like needles, but he also knew that Naruto would do anything to save Kurama from the hell that he had gone through before.
"Is that okay with you?" Tsunade asked Naruto, the blonde nodded.
"I'll do whatever I can for him!" Naruto said firmly. Naruto wasn't exactly afraid of needles though, he was afraid that his secret would be discovered if someone got a needle too close to him. Naruto had started cutting shortly after Kurama had been diagnosed with cancer the first time. Naruto had only been 10 at the time, and he had been scared the first time he had tried it, but in the end he had liked the way it made him feel, he even liked watching the blood roll down his arm. Of course, his own best friend had soon discovered what Naruto had been up too and had threatened to stop talking to him if Naruto didn't stop. So Naruto had somehow been able to stop cutting then, but now three years later facing the same situation as he was back then, and the urge to cut had never been stronger than it was now.
And today, Naruto had found out that neither he nor his father were a match for Kurama, which meant that neither of them could donate the much needed bone marrow. Now Kurama would have to wait until a donor could be found, or the eventually the cancer would kill Kurama.
"I'm sorry, Sasuke but I have to break my promise not to cut." Naruto murmured as he brought the razor to his arm, making a small nick in his skin. Naruto watched as a small dot of blood appeared, before he wiped it away and made another slightly bigger cut. Tears filled Naruto's eyes, he didn't want any of this to be happening. He only wanted for his older brother to be okay, he didn't want to lose him to such a disease.
"Naruto," Naruto heard his dark haired friend yell and the sound of rushing footsteps hurrying down the hall. Panic filled Naruto and dropped the razor and kicked it under the bed, and quickly wiping away the blood on his arm. He really hoped that Sasuke wouldn't notice that Naruto was acting suspiciously.
"In here!" Naruto yelled as he pulled the sleeve down on his arm. Seconds later Sasuke burst through the door, panting harshly as he tried to catch his breath.
"Itachi told me that it you weren't a match for Kurama." Sasuke said and Naruto nodded blinking back tears. He didn't like thinking of what could happen if Kurama didn't find a match and soon.
"How are you?" Sasuke asked, he knew that Kurama and Naruto were just as close as he and Itachi were. He couldn't imagine how Naruto must have been feeling at that moment.
"I don't want to lose my brother." Naruto said, raising his eyes to meet his friend's. "More than anything I am terrified of losing him. The only thing I wanted was to be able to to save him, now I can't even do that. And I still have to watch him suffer, it's not fair.I don't want him to hate me for not being able to help him."
"He knows you love him and will do anything for him." Sasuke said. "There is no way that Kura could ever hate you for anything. It's not your fault your blood types don't match."
"But they should have." Naruto said. "They should have matched me or Dad's but it didn't match either."
"Maybe he was a match to your mother." Sasuke said mentioning Naruto's mother who had been killed in an car accident a few years before.
"Probably." Naruto said. "But still, I can't help but feel useless in this situation."
"You're not useless." Sasuke reassured Naruto. "And Kura would say the same thing. Don't give up on him just yet, he's going to keep fighting as long as he can."
"I know." Naruto murmured, raising his hand and placing it on the other arm that he had made the cuts on. He tightened his grip, hoping the bleeding would slow down before Sasuke noticed the liquid dripping down his arm. He had likely cut too deeply with that last one, he just hoped that Sasuke wasn't careful enough attention. Naruto didn't know what he would do without Sasuke's friendship. Naruto depended on Sasuke more than Sasuke knew, there wasn't another person other than Kurama that Naruto trusted so much.
"You know if you ever feel the urge to cut, you can come to me." Sasuke said breaking the momentary silence that had fell between the two. "I don't want you to ever feel like you can't come to me. I don't care how late it is, but if you start cutting again. I can't have anything to do with that, our friendship will be over." Naruto closed his eyes, and inhaled deeply before exhaling. He really hoped that Sasuke didn't look too closely at his arm.
"I know." Naruto whispered, even though he hated that he was lying to his best friend. He hated that he couldn't tell Sasuke about the headaches that he had been getting more frequently, each one getting worse than the one previously. Naruto wanted to tell his father, but Minato was already overworked as it was, trying to pay for the part of Kurama's treatment that their insurance didn't cover.
"Something else bothering you?" Sasuke asked sitting down on Naruto's bed beside the other teen. "You can tell me anything you know."
"I'm okay." Naruto lied. "just got a lot of stuff from Kurama's situation on my mind. Besides I want to hear about your asking Sakura out."
"Eh." Sasuke said shrugging, a blush turning his cheeks red. "It went okay, I suppose. She said yes which is all that matters."
"I told you she would. She's been crushing on you forever." Naruto said with a forced laugh. He was tired and he really wished Sasuke would leave so that he could continue his earlier activities. He needed to be able to release what he was feeling and he couldn't do that with Sasuke around.
"For a change you were right, loser." Sasuke teased and Naruto punched him lightly in the shoulder.
"When are you going to ask Hinata out?" Sasuke asked. Naruto shrugged.
"I'm not sure that it would be a good idea. I don't really want to mess with Neji." Naruto replied, not mentioning his fear that he had something going on with his own health. Naruto was afraid of getting more bad news so he decided he was going to try and hide it for as long as possible.
After a few more minutes of conversation, Sasuke's cell phone rang and as Sasuke stood up and exited the room to talk to whomever had called. Naruto reached down and picked up the razor from the floor. He knew it wasn't a good idea to cut while Sasuke was here. But Naruto's head was aching badly and he felt sick to his stomach, not to mention he was stressed over the situation with Kurama. Pushing up the sleeve of his shirt, Naruto placed the razor blade near the crook of his elbow and made a shallow slice, he closed his eyes as he enjoyed the brief moment of pain that the cut had made. He opened his eyes when he felt the blood well up, he exhaled as he watched the blood start rolling down his arm. Hearing footsteps come his way, Naruto quickly pulled his shirt sleeve down and tossed the razor to the side, not noticing that blood was starting to seep through his shirt sleeve.
"Itachi wants me….what the heck happened?" Sasuke asked his eyes falling on the sleeve that had a small amount of blood soaking through. "Don't tell me you were actually in here cutting while I was talking to Itachi? How long as this been going on again?"
"A couple of weeks." Naruto said meekly, his blue eyes dropping to the floor, shame filling him. He really had wanted to quit cutting but Sasuke didn't understand how strong the urge was, Naruto was too weak to keep avoiding it for long.
"I guess our friendship doesn't mean anything to you then." Sasuke said, anger filling him as he stared down at Naruto. Ignoring, the boy's obviously shamed look Sasuke turned and stomped out of the room.
"Sasuke!" Naruto called out, panic filling him as he jumped to his feet and hurried after his friend. "Sasuke! Please stop. I promise I'll quit!"
"Your promise doesn't mean shit!" Sasuke snarled refusing to turn around and look at Naruto. "You promised you wouldn't do that crap anymore."
"It's not that easy to just stop." Naruto said tears filling his eyes. "You don't know the stress I live with."
"Stop using your brother as an excuse!" Sasuke said. "I don't think he would be pleased to find out that you are still cutting either!"
"Please don't tell him." Naruto pleaded, he hated to think what his brother would think of him cutting. "He doesn't need to know."
"Yes, he does, I think this situation has gone on too long. You need some serious help." Sasuke said. "And until you get it, don't bother talking to me again." Naruto watched with tear filled eyes as Sasuke stormed off, dialing someone on his cell phone as he did. Naruto turned and rushed back to his room, flopping down on his bed. Burying his face in his pillow, he wondered if he had just completely ruined his friendship with Sasuke. Even if he did get help, Naruto couldn't help but wonder if Sasuke would ever speak to him again.
Thirty minutes later, Naruto heard footsteps approaching his door.
"Naruto?" His brother's voice called out quietly. "Can I come in?"
"Yes." Naruto said his voice muffled against the pillow.
"You want to tell me what's going on with you?" Kurama asked, as he entered the room and crossed the floor to sit on the edge of Naruto's mattress.
"Something tells me Sasuke already told you." Naruto replied, refusing to meet Kurama's eyes.
"He did." Kurama confirmed. "Why?"
"Why because I need to release my feelings somehow." Naruto answered. "I have no way of doing that and if I keep it inside, I'm going to explode."
"If you couldn't have come to me you should have gone to Sasuke." Kurama said.
"I didn't want to bother you with everything that you have going on." Naruto said. "You shouldn't have to deal with my shit on top of your own."
"Language." Kurama said. "You know I would do anything for you. I know my situation is difficult for you to deal with but that doesn't mean you need to cut to deal with your own feelings. I'm kind of disappointed in you for taking this route when you have so many other people that are willing to listen to you." that statement shot a wave of pain through Naruto's heart. He never wanted to be a disappointment to his brother, he only wanted Kura to be proud of him.
"I think it's time that you found some help." Kurama said. "It's pretty clear that this issue isn't going to go away on it's own. I'm going to tell Father and see what he wants to do."
"Please don't." Naruto said finally pulling himself away from the pillow to look up at his brother. "I don't want him to know."
"He needs too though, he can get you help for this." Kurama said softly as he stood up and went in search of their father. Naruto closed his eyes, he didn't even want to know what his father would think.
"Kurama tells me that you are cutting." Minato said sharply from the doorway. "Why."
"I don't know." Naruto answered shame filling him, he could hear the disappointment in his father's voice. He didn't want to look up and see it in his face too.
"What are you thinking?" Minato yelled. "I have enough on my plate with Kurama's situation. I don't need you to add to my list of problems but you have. Now I have to worry about trusting you enough not to harm yourself. I don't know how much you think that I can deal with but this is it. I almost want to put you in foster care and be done with your useless ass."
Tears filled Naruto's eyes, his father would so easily give up on him? But he would fight for Kurama?
"Do you even know how disappointed I am right now?" Minato asked. "What will people think when they find out my son is choosing to self harm rather than to talk to someone?"
"It's not like you're here to talk too." Naruto said softly, "You're always working."
"To pay the bills so that you can apparently hurt yourself." Minato said, glaring at Naruto before turning towards the door.
"I'm going to talk to someone at CPS and see what they want me to do about you. I'll let you know later what I decide." Minato went out the door, and Kurama wincing at Naruto's sobbing form, followed him down the hall. He hadn't expected their father to lose it like that, that had been the farthest thing on Kurama's mind. He only wanted to help his brother.
Once Kurama and their father was gone, the broken hearted Naruto sat up on his bed. He picked up his cell phone dialing Sasuke's phone number, deep down he hoped that his friend would answer the phone. But after several rings, Naruto hung the phone up and pushed himself up off the bed. If no one wanted him in their lives then Naruto would remove himself from their presence. Shuffling to the door, Naruto made his way down the hall towards the bathroom. He knew his father kept his sleeping pills in the bathroom. Entering the small room, Naruto opened the medicine cabinet and sure the sleeping pills were on the first shelf.
Picking the bottle up, Naruto twisted the cap off and dumped the pills out into his palm. He counted fifty pills and figured that that would be enough to end his miserable existence. Grabbing a cup, Naruto proceeded to swallow the pills with a couple of swallows and mouthfuls of water. Once he was finished, Naruto dumped the empty pill bottle in the garbage and exited the bathroom, heading back to his bedroom. Shutting the door behind him, Naruto went and lay back on his bed, closing his eyes and allowing himself to drift away from consciousness.
TBC? It sort of sucks, but since my sister in law died last week it's been on my mind. So it's kind of therapy on my part. If you review that awesome if not that's okay too cause like I said its therapy.