Immortal Beautiful Love Starshine Dust
Disclaimer: Thank the good lord I don't own Edward or Ebony. I don't own the Coffee Song or Good Charlotte or whatever else appears in this. I don't even really want to own the idea. Satire, anyone? I blame Amy for this.
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I changed into my black leather mini skirt and gothic shirt while cutting my wrists and reading a depressing book. I played depressing music in the background to make me happy. My wrists bled all over my shirt, but it only served to make it more goffick. Hello, my name is Ebony Starshine Dipstick Armpit Beautiful Let's Fighting Love and I am depressed because Draco my OMFG boyfriend for life dumped me and so I dropped out of Hogwarts and went to a human school in America because I heard that...there were vampires there! DUN DUN DUUUUUUUN!
I went to school and I gave my middle finger to all the prepz who were OMFG hating on me. I walked into class while my teachers shouted vulgarities at me. Finally it was lunch time and that's when I saw him. He was beautiful, more beautiful than a blue whale and he smelled so beautiful I began to drool nonbeautiful drool. He looks at me and OMFG drooled too, but hsi drool was beautiful and it smelled like heaven. He winked at me and my heart literally stopped. He walked over to me and said "Hi."
"Hi," I said flirtatiously with a hint of intense wisdom and a bit of mystery while also trying to sound humerous and thoughtful.
"You're goffick?" He asked.
"FUCK YEAH!" I yelled.
"I am goffick too. My name is Edward." OMFG Edward! The name was so beautiful it made my ears bleed rainbows. He looked at me and smiled. His teeth were beautiful, his tongue put the tongue of god to shame. His spit made my heart flutter. I was in love with this beautiful creature of beautiful beauty.
"OMFG I got tickets to a Good Charlotte concert. I find myself suddenly and inexplicably attracted to you. Come with me or else I'll destroy you! Do you want cookies?" He asked, casually breaking apart lunchtrays with his toes
"I want cookies!" I shouted.
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That night he took me to his flying car, only there was no gas or wepons, so we went to the basement and got his flying car that actually had gas in it this time. We flew to the concert and got in the mosh pit up front, crying tears of blood and slitting our wrists to let the happy come out. We bled rainbows. I thought Edward couldn't be more beautiful until he began sweating. Each drop of sweat was completely and utterly beautiful. I was captivated by each drop of sweat as it rolled down his face.
Good Charlotte began to sing:
Do you folks like coffee?
Real coffee, from Columbia?
The Duncan Hills will wake you
From a thousand depths
A cup of blackened blood
Die, die
You're dying for a cup
Ethiopian
Guatemala brand
French vanilla roast
Die, die
You're dying for a cup
We shouted and jumped up and down. Then the concert was over and we walked really fast to Edward's flying car. Instead of going back home he flew me to...the Forest of No Return! "What the hell are you doing?" I shouted.
Edward looked at me and I was amazed by the beautiful acne on his face. Each puss filled zit made my heart flutter. We landed in the woods and then he put his sock in you-know-who. Voldemort got pissed and was going to kill us, but he dropped his wand as his gaze fixed upon Edward, his beauty too much for the dark lord to handle. And so You-know-who put his you-know-what in you-know-where.
And the worst part is...Edward never gave me any cookies D:
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WHY? D: If you get all of the jokes in this, you're as big a nerd as me XD