Hilarious Alternate Universes of Harry Potter (HAUHP)
Okay… short intro. As you can probably tell from the title (or you're just blind), this FanFiction is going to be all about the many different possible alternate universes of Harry Potter. You're probably sitting there, like, what the heck is an alternate universe? Well, has anyone heard of a parallel universe? It's when everything is just opposite. It's just random variations of Harry Potter. This idea has probably already been developed by like, a hundred different authors, but here's my version. Full disclaimer: I don't own any material of Harry Potter, etc.
One of the main reason I made this FanFiction story is to give you peeps some little reward. I mean, you just had a REALLY stressful day, what with homework and work, so I am offering free hugs! No, just kidding. But seriously, I'm here to offer you... a relief to your life!
Remember, any new ideas you want me to add to this story, no matter how crazy, warped, random, stupid, etc, etc, just post a review and I'll get back to you on it. So, without further ado,
Let the fun begin!
What if… Hogwarts Was a Boot Camp?
"Get up, you lazy bums, and if I catch you sleeping the next time I get here, there'll be detention!"
Harry groaned, and started leaking tears of frustration. Well, so would you if a hairy giant woke you up every day at 3 in the morning!
The giant's name was Hagrid, and everyone hated him. Everyone except the teachers. They believed that Hagrid was shaping all the student's future lives. However, the crucial point remained: what's the point of a future if you're going to be worked to death at Hogwarts?
Harry hated Hogwarts, every square inch of it. He hated the Forbidden Forest, where the students had to snatch their morning and dinner food away from the various beasts that lived there. Was a bowl of gray slop and mysterious junky meat really worth a bite from a Fanged Geranium? Harry shuddered, and rubbed his tender behind, wincing at the sting. Maybe he'll skip the food today.
Harry especially hated his dormitory. The beds were hard, the sheets were as cold as ice, and on top of it all, Harry was sure he felt something crawling around when he was shivering from the cold. But when he was just starting to get warm, there was that Hagrid, whom Harry would love to get even with someday.
Harry jumped out of his bed, and pulled his robes on. Wait a second… what happened to the arm sleeve? It was all torn and frayed around the edges. Oh, that blasted Fang! Fang was Hagrid's pet dog. But the way Hagrid treated him, more like his princess. Fang was allowed to wander around Hogwarts anywhere, anytime he liked to. All the curses and spells that kept the students from wandering and escaping did not seem to apply to him. Harry pulled out his wand, and muttered, "Repar-!"
"Doing magic, are we now, Mr. Potter?"
Harry gulped. Hagrid with his wild beard had materialized in front of him. The stuff of nightmares. Harry smelled the rancid breath of… raw fish? Raw bark? Revolting.
"Sir, I thought this was a school of magic!"
Hagrid's face got beet red. "Trying to be SMART with me, lad? Do I look stupid to you? Two hundred points from Gryffindor!"
Harry felt like he was going to faint. "Two… two hundred?"
Hagrid suddenly grinned. "Not two hundred, dimwit. More like… two hundred thousand!"
From a far off distance, something cracked. The hourglass…?
A blinding rage of fury rose in Harry. He took his wand, pointed at Hagrid, and yelled, "Turn this stupid, fat oaf… green!"
Hagrid gave a moan of pain. His face suddenly sprouted with green tentacles. He rose to his feet, and made a lunging motion with his hands.
"Run for it, Harry!" yelled this red haired boy who Harry especially hated because of his freckles.
Harry ran for it. He ran down the steps, out the door, and collided with a very bushy haired girl.
"Watch it!" she yelled, her large front teeth protruding.
"Sorry, there's this maniac- A large roar issued from the ceiling- chasing me!"
"That is dreadfully serious! Here," The girl waved her wand, and a large and heavy book appeared ahead of her.
"Look, I'm not trying to be mean, but do you really think I have the time to read a book?"
"No, silly! Hit him over the head with the book! What else do you want to do with it?"
Harry looked at Hermione like she was his life saver (which, technically, she was). "Be right back!" he called over his back as he ran up the stairs to his dorm.
Hagrid was looking as mean as ever. All the beds have collapsed, with most of the boys still inside. Harry could hear moans of pain as the stiff bed sheet trapped them.
"Hey Hagrid!" Harry called.
Hagrid spun around. "You little piece of-"
But he could never finish his sentence, as it was cut off when the book soared and hit him straight in the face. Hagrid was knocked out instantly.
Harry cheered. Hogwarts was saved! He rescued the other boys from their fetal positions and told everyone the glorious news.
Later that day, as Harry went into the Great Hall where all the students were running laps, everyone immediately started cheering and whooping. Harry was feeling pretty good himself, until Professor Dumbledore made him run a hundred laps.
In the Forest.
WOW! Done with the first chapter! WOOO! So what did you peeps think? Don't be afraid to give me warped and random ideas of what YOU think the next chapters should be (i.e., Dumbledore gets a haircut, Hogwarts turns into Candyland, etc, etc.) You people are AWESOME for reading this fanfiction! Stay tuned for the next one, and DON'T FORGET to review! Thanks guys and girls so much for reading this!