Disclaimer: Grey's Anatomy doesn't belong to me, nor do the characters. I just wanted to play around with them.
Author's Note: This is a look into what Callie may be thinking, inspired by what Arizona said about Callie looking at her like she needed to fix her. I was thinking about it from Callie's point of view. If Arizona thinks Callie looks at her differently, when Callie has been trying her best to be there for Arizona all this time – then why wouldn't Callie think Arizona looks at her differently, too, especially when Arizona has been pushing her away for so long? Anyway, on to the story – I hope you enjoy it, and I hope you let me know what you think, whether you loved it or hated it!
The Look In Your Eyes.
Before it all happened – before the crash, before the leg – Arizona would look at you with love and pride and trust in her eyes. Like you were all that mattered in her world. Like you could do anything. Like she could put her life in your hands, and you would never hurt her.
You spent years doing all you could for her. You didn't apply to Portland. You spent money and did tests for no apparent reason. You were going to move to Africa, promised to always be there for her, held her while she cried. You were willing to give up kids for her. You stood five inches from a gunman for her, felt the heat radiating from the barrel of the gun. Not for your own safety, not even for Ruby's. All you could think of was her.
So really, you should have known your luck was due to run out. The first few months you waited for it – you thought it had happened when your family disowned you, when you were too poor, when you wanted kids, when she went to Africa, when you got pregnant, when you went flying through a windshield. So many things that could have, and probably should have, ruined your relationship. But no. In the end, those all worked out. You aren't sure that this ever will.
You broke a promise. You promised her that you wouldn't cut off her leg, then made the call that had Alex Karev powering on a bone saw. It's just that simple. It's a promise that meant just as much to her as every other one you've made (to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, I won't run) and you broke it.
She woke up and she looked at you and she wasn't your Arizona anymore. All you could see was hurt and disappointment and distrust. Hatred.
Even now it haunts you in your nightmares. Those eyes. Her words – "stick out your leg and I'll go grab a bone saw and let's even the score." (She doesn't seem to realize that you've spent all your time trying to find ways to do just that.)
Slowly, the hate slipped out of her eyes. You won't deny that. The love has been coming back, slowly but surely, and now you are even beginning to believe it. Her eyes light up when you walk into the room and it's comforting. It's progress. For a minute, it almost felt like the finish line, like it was everything you needed. But that was just because you have been bouncing back from nothing.
You know it isn't enough. Because even if they aren't as prominent as before, the disappointment and the distrust are still there. They linger along the edges of those blue eyes and it kills you a little more every day.
So you spend more hours in the lab and pour yourself into your research. You bounce ideas off Derek and run tests and drive yourself crazy because it's not perfect yet, but you need it to be. You needed it to be perfect a year ago.
Maybe then you can move on. Maybe then she will see that you are still something to be proud of. That yes, you broke your promise, but you damn near unbroke it. You did the best you possibly could.
Maybe then she will be able to move on. Because until she moves on, you know you can't.
Because really, all you want is for her to look at you the same way she used to.