The usual disclaimer: Ranma ½ is a trademark of Rumiko Takahashi and VIZ Communications, and its characters have been borrowed without permission. This story was written for non-commercial purposes only.
While this is story is part of the Bindings ("Kasumi's Fate") continuum, it's not necessary to have read any of the previous stories. You only need to know a few things:
1) Ranma and Akane are happily dating now.
2) Kasumi and Tofu are engaged.
3) Tofu is teaching Ranma, Akane, and Kasumi Martial Arts and Arcane Arts as well. Ranma is a Wind Mage, Akane is a Fire Mage (like Tofu), and Kasumi is a Spirit Mage.
4) For those not familiar with the meaning behind the Japanese name, "Ranma" means "wild horse".
5) Ranma has a job helping to close Tofu's clinic every day (started in "Say 'Yes' to the Dress").
Anything else isn't important to enjoy the story (although, please feel free to read the other stories). For those that care, this story happens between "Shape-Shifters" and "Genma's Job".
Onwards…
Nodoka looked at the paper in despair. "Come on," she told herself. "You only have a little time until he comes home from the clinic. You can do this!"
Her hands started to bring the lighter closer to the copy of the seppuku contract damning her son, when suddenly Kasumi called out from downstairs: "Auntie, did you get a chance to run to the store today?"
"Damn it!" Nodoka whispered. Out loud, Nodoka yelled back. "I did, Kasumi! The vegetables are in the crisper! I'll be down in a little bit to help!" Nodoka closed her eyes and lit the paper. As she felt the heat on her face, she opened her eyes and watched the paper burn. She felt sweat burst from her pores as the panic attack started. "Don't break," she urged herself. "Let it burn." The pain started in her stomach and she clenched her teeth against it. "No. A little longer…" she urged herself. The heat hit her hand and she reflexively dropped the paper into the metal wastebasket she had picked up when she set down the lighter. There was about five centimeters of water in the wastebasket.
Nodoka made sure the lit paper was totally contained by the wastebasket, and then dropped it on the floor in front of the open window where she was standing. The paper went out completely and she staggered to her futon, breathing hard and shaking. She felt like she had just run a marathon. As the panic attack continued, she began to start the breathing exercises her psychologist had her practiced while fighting against the pain starting in her head. She also lit the incense Tofu's friend, Hideo, had given her with a shaking hand. If nothing else, the pure fragrance hid the burned paper smell that hadn't gone out the window. "Breathe," she told herself. "C'mon, breathe! Focus on imagining a crystal blue sky and on your breathing."
Once upon a time, that would have been impossible. Any time she had tried to meditate before, fearful thoughts would enter her mind unbidden. The thoughts were endless: she would imagine Ranma dead by her hand; the memory of her father's disgusted look at her failure to attract a groom; the Tendos throwing her out; Akane found to be sterile; debt collectors at the door; she was being stalked by someone unknown; family enemies were searching for her and her son; everyone was watching her – it went on and on. Many of the thoughts had no rational basis, but that didn't stop them. They came on in an endless disorganized chain without any sort of encouragement on her part. Other thoughts were normal fears that were amplified beyond proper proportion – anything that could go wrong, would go wrong. The thoughts and fears made her feel watched and oppressed, as though the world was against her.
What's worse, the dark thoughts would be with her even when she wasn't trying to meditate. Any time her mind became idle, they would start up. Nighttime was always the worst – just laying there wide awake was agony. Even if she did manage to fall asleep, the darkness would sometimes flow into her dreams, waking her in a cold sweat. So she always tried to avoid going to bed until she had worn herself out, and she never lounged in bed in the morning. The only thing that helped was to keep busy. She had learned to embroider at a young age. She had poured herself into her cooking until she was ranked as a gourmet. She would read obsessively. Her house was always immaculate. She practiced the Tea Ceremony backwards and forwards. She organized the pantry repeatedly trying to optimize it. On and on it went – anything to keep busy.
When tasks became too automated to keep the thoughts at bay, she added extra steps that kept her mind busy. She double-counted the stitches as she sewed on her embroidery. She measured distances using her steps as she traveled between shops (always making sure she ended on an even count). She repeated tasks, even if it wasn't necessary (her record for performing the Tea Ceremony was five times in a day). She added extra requirements to her organizing (by size, type, color, etc.). The extra steps became part of the rituals she used to get through the day.
Then the rituals became part of the vicious cycle. Since she used the rituals to keep the fears at bay, she became worried that she was not performing the rituals properly. She would find herself repeating completed tasks no longer to keep busy, but to make sure they were correct (or disaster would befall her): she re-counted stitches, used different methods to make sure she didn't lose count of her steps as she walked (including a hand-clicker once) – whatever it took. The rituals invoked new rituals, and the burden kept growing. Sometimes, performing the rituals properly so consumed her that she never remembered if the task actually completed, also causing her to repeat the ritual yet again. So much energy was spent to keep her demons at bay. She also burned energy hiding the rituals from those around her, but this also increased her isolation.
When Ranma appeared at the Tendo house, Nodoka managed to stop some of the rituals, but she obsessed on other things, such as that damn seppuku contract. She also focused on getting her son married, even though he was not ready. She ignored the fact that the bride-to-be was also young and that Akane wrestled with her own problems. She was determined to cram Akane into a version of herself, even though the girl was cut from a very different cloth. Nodoka even tried to be a wife to the man she did not love – the man who had taken her son away and left an empty promise instead.
Finally, she had broken down when she realized how much she was losing. She watched her son stand strong under his own burdens – burdens placed on him by outside sources – and not break. He was coming to terms with who he was and not flinching. But her rituals and obsessions were dishonoring him and his pure spirit. She collapsed into despair.
Nodoka might have committed seppuku herself in order to escape the anguish and pain if it wasn't for the most unlikely of angels – Nabiki Tendo. Nabiki saw Nodoka's physical collapse and comforted the older woman. The teen convinced Nodoka that she should talk to Doctor Tofu Ono and ask for help. (1) Nabiki stood by Nodoka as the mother talked to Tofu, lending Nodoka whatever support the young woman could. The doctor listened to Nodoka and then pronounced a diagnosis – Nodoka suffered from a severe anxiety disorder that manifested as Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder or OCD.
"Is there a cure?" Nodoka has asked in a quavering voice.
"Usually not," the doctor answered gently. "But there are several different successful treatments. Most people respond very well to one or some combination of them. Sometimes it takes a bit of effort to find the right one or ones. However, patients often find the results satisfactory – some say miraculous, even though they have to take medication for the rest of their lives. They say they are glad to assume the small burden in exchange for losing the larger one. I'm sure we can find something to help you."
Nodoka nodded her head shakily and said: "Gods, I hope so."
Nabiki grabbed Nodoka's hand and reassured her: "Remember, Nodoka, you have friends and family. You're not alone in this – every one of us will help you beat this thing."
"Are you sure about that, Nabiki?" Nodoka asked, still shaking.
The sharp-eyed girl barked out a laugh. "Are you kidding? That's the easiest promise I'll ever have to make, Nodoka," Nabiki said with amusement. "You already have me on board. The others will hop on even faster."
Nodoka continued to breathe in deeply. She found the incense encouraged relaxation and her panic attack began to subside. However, now the itch started – the urge to get a new copy of the seppuku contract. There were several in her closet. Before she knew it, she had opened the closet door. "No!" she scolded herself. "The pain is subsiding, don't do it!" She focused more and more on her breathing and on a clear sky. "Come on, you've managed to burn the copy again. For once, don't pick up a new one. Let it go!" She forced herself away from the closet and sat on her futon, still trying to meditate. The pain continued in her head, but she fought against it. "Blue sky, blue sky, blue sky…" she repeated to herself.
Somewhere deep inside her, despite the struggle, there was a small glow of triumph. There was no doubt the fight was getting easier. Right now, she actually stood a chance. Today her mind didn't automatically fill with fear for once. Sleep was easier last night, and she didn't remember her dreams. While the first medicine had done nothing, the second medicine was starting to work, and she had only been on it ten days.
Still, the itch was growing stronger. In anger, she lashed out at the open door with her foot, slamming it shut hard. "Oh damn!" she thought.
As she feared, the noise attracted someone. "Auntie, are you all right?" Akane asked coming out of her room and knocking on the door of the Saotomes' shared room.
Nodoka sighed and turned on the futon to face the door. She checked the scent of the room and then called out: "I'm all right, Akane. You can come in." As Akane did so, Nodoka looked at her daughter-in-law-to-be (or so the elder woman hoped with every fiber of her being) and said: "Sorry, Akane. I closed the closet harder than I meant to."
Akane nodded and then smiled a little shyly. "I'm caught up with my homework. Will you help me with me with my embroidery a little later?" the blue-black haired girl asked.
Despite the differences between Akane and herself, this was one thing they shared in common besides Ranma – an interest in Nuido (or Japanese embroidery). Nodoka had been taught by a woman in a village nearby to where Nodoka had grown up. Since it was one of the few things for which Nodoka's father had actually given Nodoka his approval, Nodoka had applied herself vigorously to mastering the art. She had become the woman's apprentice for a while and progressed rapidly in skills and techniques. Just before she met Genma, her teacher had declared Nodoka's apprenticeship over and had begun to display (and sell) Nodoka's works in her shop. After she married Genma, Nodoka had supplemented the household's income by selling her artworks in various shops in Tokyo. When Genma left to take Ranma on that godforsaken training trip, Nodoka managed to support herself by focusing all her time and energy on Nuido and selling the results. After Ranma's return, she still produced Nuido pieces and sold them, but now she gave Kasumi a portion of the proceeds to support the Tendo household.
Nodoka smiled back, pleased with the question (and the distraction). "Of course, dear," Nodoka answered.
"Good. I keep ending up with knots where I'm not suppose to," the girl stated.
"That's because you try and do everything at once," Ranma's mother answered her with a smile. "It's not a fight. You don't have to overwhelm it."
Akane just blushed and answered: "Yes, ma'am."
"I suppose I should go help your sister. Why don't you set the table?" Nodoka said.
Akane nodded and took Nodoka's hand, stopping the elder woman from looking at the katana sword in the corner of the room. "Let's go, Auntie."
Nodoka hesitated and then let Akane's insistent pull win when she swore she heard Akane whisper: "You don't have to try and do everything at once either."
"Devious child. Nabiki has been coaching you," the mother thought silently as she followed the young woman downstairs. Since Nabiki had to stay at the college during the week, she was using Akane to manipulate Nodoka in her absence. Nabiki had observed the interaction between Nodoka and the youngest Tendo. Akane was proof of Nodoka's son's manliness; Akane loved Ranma and Ranma loved Akane. So Nodoka had clung to Akane like a lifeline the moment the elder woman entered the Tendo residence so long ago. Akane's very existence gave Nodoka hope that the mother would not have to be her son's Second in a seppuku ceremony. Now, Akane's firm grip kept Nodoka from turning around and retrieving the sword.
Dr. Tofu's words echo in Nodoka's mind: "You have been under this burden for a long time. The medicines will only go so far. You have to break the habits that reinforce your old mindset. Let us help you build a new one. All of us want to help you. Lean on us. You are not alone anymore."
"Fine," Nodoka thought. "I'll let Akane help me. I'll let them all help me."
Dinner proceeded normally. It was served once Tofu and Ranma came in from the clinic, bantering good-naturedly like they usually did. As soon as they entered the dining room though, the two men promptly forgot about each other and focused on their significant others. Tofu tried to help Kasumi only to be told to sit down, while Ranma teased Akane and was teased in return. Nodoka had learned long ago not to interfere with either conversation. If she tried to advise Kasumi to let Tofu help, Kasumi would start politely telling Nodoka to sit as well (rather incessantly). If Nodoka tried to get the teenagers to behave, they would both roll their eyes and not say another word the entire meal – to anyone.
Either result was like nails on a chalkboard to Nodoka. "What is it about the younger set that they can automatically figure out what will drive their elders bonkers?" Nodoka wondered. It would be worse if Nabiki was here – she would adopt a behavior designed to amplify whatever the other three were doing. Nabiki would either try to convince Nodoka to stop helping with the dinner (using the smarmiest tones imaginable) or would start poking at Ranma and Akane sending the temperature at the dinner table to absolute zero until Kasumi chimed in and made Nabiki stop.
Tofu was absolutely no help. While he was closer in age to Nodoka, Genma, and Soun, as soon as he walked in the door of the Tendo house, he immediately lost fifteen years. Unless he was formally teaching one of the others, he made no effort to call the youngsters to task, despite the obvious deference all the teenagers paid him and the fact that Kasumi was head-over-heels in love with the man (and he with her). Occasionally, he might push one of the teenagers to apologize to the other quicker than they might have done otherwise (much the way Kasumi did), but that was after the fireworks were over and the embers were cooling.
Once, during one of her appointments with Doctor Ono, Nodoka asked him why he didn't put his foot down more. The man just raised an eyebrow and chuckled. "Nodoka," he said. "In the clinic, my word is law. In the Tendo household, I am a guest. I am not in charge. When I marry Kasumi, I will not be a guest any longer, but I will still not be in charge – I will be Kasumi's husband. I have no delusions about who runs the family, now or then." There was a definite twinkle in his eyes when he said this. "If you are going to a take anyone to task, it should be Soun – let me know how that works out for you. Otherwise, long live Queen Kasumi and her three vassals."
"Soon to be four," Nodoka shot back, but Tofu only laughed at her with that same twinkle in his eyes. Nodoka gave up then; she knew the good doctor was too sure of himself to let her jab have any effect. Besides, he was a man in love, and he was determined to keep his wife happy. Nodoka sighed internally – she was a little envious of their love.
After dinner, Akane brought her embroidery frame to Nodoka and sat down with the older woman. Ranma took one look at the frame in Akane's hands and immediately made himself scarce. Kasumi and Tofu had managed to get the idea into his head that if Ranma had nothing good to say, he should keep his mouth shut. Unfortunately, Ranma had yet to figure out what to say if Akane asked him a direct question – he wasn't adept at the little white lie. So he made a point about not being in the room if an opinion could be asked of him, especially if it could lead to hurt feelings. Tofu watched him vanish and then decided that this might be a good time to work with his student. The doctor gave his wife-to-be a hug and a kiss, and then walked off in search of the shape-changer.
Admittedly, the embroidery in the frame was a bit of a mess. Akane had once more rushed things. Nodoka evaluated the fabric design and noted where things would have to be undone. "Akane, I love you, but what do you have against the kaeshi-nui stitch?"
"But that's such a simple stitch," Akane complained. "The sagara-nui stitch is more challenging."
"Any workman will tell you that you should use the right tool for the job. The sagara-nui is for making dotted-lines. You use the kaeshi-nui stitch for making general outlines. You're wasting a lot of time and material by using the sagara-nui."
"But I want a bolder stitch there." Akane said.
"Then use the tsugihari-nui stitch. It's twice as thick. Or better yet the kusari-nui. You can use that chain stitch to make lines as thick as you want – without the lumpy knots," Nodoka told her. Then the mother decided she needed to find something that the girl did right and not destroy Akane's ego totally – Akane was looking a little depressed. "Now, you did the hira-nui well on your flowers. The silk thread is flat against the cloth and you managed to not overlap it and not leave gaps either. Your use of the tome-nui to fix the hira-nui in place is good. I think you can leave the flowers alone once you clean up the outlines. You really need to use the kaeshi-nui there."
Akane started pouting a little, causing Nodoka to roll her eyes and sigh. "Akane," she said firmly. "You want the flowers to be 'soft' looking. The outline should not be so heavily defined. Even tsugihari-nui would look out of place."
"All right, Auntie," Akane said with a sigh. Then the young woman straightened up and asked: "Can I leave the kusari-nui stitch on the outline of the leaves?"
"I think that's up to you, young lady," Nodoka replied. "It depends on what type of leaves you are trying to create – if you are going for holly, you have the right look."
Akane winced. "No, I was going for something softer. That's why I used the hira-nui for the leaves as well as the flowers."
"Then you already know the answer. Use the kaeshi-nui again," Nodoka told her. Nodoka looked over the piece and then studied her daughter-in-law-to-be. Finally, she asked: "Akane, why are all the leaves done using hira-nui?"
"Because it looks nice and it's quick," Akane answered.
"But you used it all the way down the plant, and you're looking at the plant mostly from the top. The plant has no depth – it looks like you squashed it flat with a glass plate. You need to shade the lower leaves to give it depth," Nodoka said.
"Well, I suppose I could use the tome-nui to darken some of the lower leaves appropriately," Akane said after a moment of thought.
"Then you might as well not have used hira-nui at all with the amount of tome-nui you'll need. I think that you should probably undo all the leaves but the top ones and redo the lower leaves using sashi-nui. Integrate two or three colors to get the different shading you need. When you are done, the leaves will appear very lifelike," Nodoka instructed.
"But alternating those long and short stitches will take forever," Akane complained.
"And anything that is worthwhile will take time," Nodoka scolded. "This is true Nuido, not something that a machine spits out. The emphasis is on 'Do' – the Way or Spirit. You use the 'Nui' – the skills and techniques – to express a piece of your Spirit in every work. It's like any other Art – including Martial Arts. By expressing your Spirit, you also develop your Spirit. In many ways, creating a work of Nuido is like meditating. Can you rush a meditation session?"
Akane blushed and dropped her head, then shook her head side-to-side. Nodoka cupped Akane's chin and lifted her head again until their eyes met. "Akane, recently you learned that you are a Fire Mage, something that surprises none of us. But true Fire is a very complex thing. It's not just a Destroyer leveling buildings or forests – it's a single candle banishing the Darkness. It's Warmth and Comfort on a cold winter's night. It's the power to bring about Change, whether in a chemist's lab, in a forge, or in a kitchen. And in the heart of a star, it's the power of Creation and a source of Life. Your Spirit is like Fire, it has many aspects, and you use the Arts – all of them – to develop your Spirit. The cost is Time, the only real coinage you have. Which aspects you want to develop is up to you though. You have to decide who you want to be and what you want to do."
Akane blushed more and then picked up her embroidery as Nodoka released her chin. "All right," Akane said softly. "I choose this. Where do I begin?"
"With one stitch at a time, Akane," Nodoka said with a smile. "But you already knew that."
Out on the porch, two men appeared out of the shadows. "Do you see how Nodoka taught Akane, Ranma?" the older said to the younger.
Ranma nodded his head. "She made certain to praise some Akane's work to avoid crushing her ego," he replied.
"That's very important for a teacher," Tofu told him. "You want to apply more direction than correction always – even though some correction will be necessary. Also, get the student involved and make them think. Never dictate – all real learning is a matter of choice."
"You didn't give me a whole lot of choice with the Wind Mage business," Ranma said with a raised eyebrow.
"Yes I did," Tofu smirked. "You chose not to be a natural disaster waiting to happen. Also, you could have chosen to simply learn what you needed to lock the power down. Instead you chose to learn applications of the power within you – just as you continue to choose to learn Martial Arts. As a result, both powers are growing in you. You could always just say 'No' and walk away."
Ranma snorted. "Back down from a challenge? Never!"
Tofu grinned knowingly. "That's your choice. Sorry, you are still responsible for you."
Nodoka worked with Akane for a couple of hours, and then declared that she was going to bed. One of these days she was determined to wake up before Kasumi and fix breakfast for the young woman. When she mentioned this to Akane, the youngest Tendo just grinned and said "Good luck with that." Nodoka laughed a little and took her leave. She got cleaned up and changed in the bathroom, and then went upstairs.
Once she was alone in her room (Genma was out with Soun somewhere), the sword was waiting for her though. She looked at it and told herself: "No, I won't do this. It can stay there. It doesn't have to be by my bedside anymore." Unfortunately, denying the compulsion had its cost. The medicine had reduced the anxieties, but not banished them. Her chief anxiety (the one the sword was a constant reminder of) filled in her mind and tears started to leak from her eyes as she forced herself to sit down on her futon. "How can I ever be free of this? How am I suppose to be a proper mother to my son?" she whispered out loud while staring at the sword in the corner.
Suddenly, Nodoka felt a hand on her shoulder and she turned to see Akane looking at her with compassion (Nodoka had yet to close the door to her room). Akane squeezed Nodoka's shoulder and then walked over to the sword. The young woman picked it up and then opened the closet and placed the weapon in the back, so Nodoka didn't have to stare at it. Nodoka sighed and dropped her head. Tears were still trickling down Nodoka's cheeks.
Akane was about to close the closet when something caught her eye and she stopped. She moved some of the hanging clothes to the side and made a small intake of breath. Akane turned to look at Nodoka and ask a question, but the other woman was still looking down at the floor, lost in her pain. A thought occurred to Akane and she wordlessly removed a garment from its hanger and took it out of the closet. Then she retrieved a large embroidery frame from the closet as well. Akane placed the blue gi top she had taken from the closet in the frame. The young woman then placed the frame across Nodoka's lap and turned to rummage in the closet. Akane found the bag she was expecting containing the silk thread loops and an embroidery kit. She laid that on the bed next to Nodoka. Finally, Akane reached into Nodoka's embroidery kit and carefully chose the appropriate needle to match the gi's thread count.
Nodoka sat looking at the gi stretched in the frame. On the back of the gi was the partial figure of a horse. The head of the black horse was mostly finished, but half the body was not. The moon lit sky had half completed clouds and the field needed more work. Nodoka ran her hand over the cloth as Akane threaded the first needle.
Akane placed the needle in Nodoka's hands and sat on the bed with one arm around the elder woman's waist. "You already know the answer to both your questions, Auntie," Akane said gently. "You make your choices and then do it one stitch at a time, Nodoka. Just one stitch at a time."
Nodoka looked at her daughter-to-be and then picked up the frame. With Akane sitting beside her, she began to work on the wild horse running under the full moon.
A/N: Footnotes:
(1) As told in the story "Shape-Shifters".
A/N: If you suffer from anxiety or depression (not necessarily the same thing), get help – you don't have to just accept it. Find a doctor who you can work with (you may have try a couple). Do not self-diagnose: your symptoms may not be what you think they are. It may take time, and it may not be easy, but it's worth it. In case it isn't obvious, been there, done that.