Secrets, an eastenders fanfic

Secrets.

Hey I was writing this along side my other story mainly to stop me fluffing that one up. I wasn't going to post this but I was looking at it today and thought why the hell not. It's an AU chryed story where Christian finds out about Syed's crush on him in a slightly different way with each scene told from Syed's and then Christian's POV. I might continue to write this, I have a few ideas about where to go with it, but it was only intended as a silly bit of fun, something to include some more light-hearted moments that I wanted to happen in the show like Zianab begging Christian to let Syed stay with him while they have guests and such! Obviously I don't own eastenders or any of its characters (it would have to be on a lot later at night if I did) and if you are offended by guy on guy sex don't read this (though really what would you be doing opening a chryed story in the first place?) Well hope you enjoy (Also my first bit of full sex writing so I hope it's ok)

Kuroseed

"Someone's all dressed up."

His voice makes me literally jump my shoulder rocking forward as the shock goes through me. I right myself and turn to him, of course it would have to be him, who else could it possibly be? Him, the epitome of all those sick little thoughts that I can't seem to rid myself of.

"Christian, you scared the living daylights out of me." I reply breathing slightly too hard. "What you doing here, anyway, you're not supposed to be working?" I ask trying to keep my eyes on his face, he's only wearing a vest top and those arms are out.

"Ah, had a fight with Rox thought I'd chop some of my frustration out." He explains with a roll of those broad shoulders. "So what's up with the glad rags?"

"I'm taking myself out, trying to cheer myself up." He cocks his head slightly confused. "Amira stuff." I don't know how much he knows, overhearing conversations between me and mum and I'm sure mum and dad when I'm not in the room.

"Oh, I see. And where do we stand with the lovely lady then?" He slumps down on the couch and just looks at me.

"Absolutely bloody nowhere. She started ringing me, begging me to take her back, today I cave in and call her, turns out she was only ringing me because her dad got in a little trouble and she didn't know who else to call. He got off today so she's not interested anymore." I explain. He stands and lays one of his large hands on my shoulder, I try and ignore the bolt of electricity that runs though my body at the slightest touch of his skin, heavy and impossibly warm through the thin fabric of my shirt.

"Sorry Sy, I know you liked her." I love the way he says my name, Sy, not Syed. No one has ever shortened my name before, not at school, not at uni, not at work and certainly not at home. But it comes out of his mouth like a little breath, its intoxicating. "Is there anything I can do?" 'Fuck me', the thought goes through my mind before I can curb it along with several inappropriate images of him pressing me up against the wall, his hands touching my skin, his mouth pressed against mine, forcing my lips apart with his. I gulp quietly and try and regain my composure.

"No, it's ok." I pause and look at him wanting to tell him everything, to tell someone everything, but I can't. To be honest I only went out with her because she fit the image. I wanted to portray myself as a successful, upstanding young man and what easier way to do that than have a wealthy, upstanding girl on your arm. Shallow, I know, but effective. And now I'll play the good son and marry some nice, quiet, unassuming, good Muslim women. I put on a smile. "She wasn't really my type anyhow, not really." I chance a smirk and I see his face soften with pity for a second, clearly he doesn't believe me, funny I was actually telling the truth then.

"So what is your type then?" He asks obviously trying to get the atmosphere back.

"Something I can't have." I mutter and he catches it, his brows furrow. "Have to be the good boy now. Marry whoever mum wants me to." He shudders dramatically.

"I can't imagine anything worse, talk about a life sentence." I laugh lightly at the comment.

"Which is why I am going out for one last big blow out. Do I look ok?" I ask holding out my arms displaying myself for him. I can literally feel his stare stroking down my chest and I have to run my tongue over my suddenly dry lips, he has that effect on me does Christian.

"Stunning." He gives his approval and I try not to grin too widely. "Amira's an idiot." He finishes low and serious, I can feel my heart skip in my chest, feel the heat start to rise up my neck.

"Well I should go, happy chopping." I call to him as I saunter out of the room glad to be away from him for just a moment to get my head back together. I shake the errant thoughts away and head off.

That girl can really get on my last nerve sometimes. She's just so self centred, so wrapped up in her own stuff she can't see outside of it to anyone else. I decide to go to the unit take my anger out on a courgette. But as I walk into the office I see him. Syed stood with his back to me looking in the small mirror and, there was no other word for it, preening. His hands in that thick dark hair pushing it about into some semblance of order. He's a bit of a conundrum is Syed. I still don't really know what to make of him. At first I thought he was like his mother, a bit of a bigoted holier than thou idiot, that joke that he made, but then he refused to take any money for the decorating, claimed we were 'on the same side', I figured I had to re-evaluate my idea, give the lad a chance. So I did and I realised he was alright. A compulsive peace keeper, bending over backwards to make sure that everyone got on, completely different to the rest of his family, and that soft little voice of his, so unassuming. It doesn't hurt that he's gorgeous either. Now I know that saying that about your bosses straight devout Muslim son is not exactly wise, especially when your boss is Zianab but I'm not blind. Neither is anyone else, I had to divert Roxy from getting her claws into him, and Janine has been humping his leg since he got here. He just rolls with it though with his bright slightly flirtatious easy going manner. He even does it with me sometimes, I wonder if he realises he's doing it? Probably not.

"Someone's all dressed up." I call and he shoots forward curling himself over in a defensive stance. I have to keep in the giggles at that. It's amazing how he swings from confident man of the world to naive little boy and back, must be something to do with his age, he is very young. Another reason why I shouldn't look at him like I am.

"Christian, you scared the living daylights out of me." He pants at me then pulls up in confusion. "What you doing here, anyway, you're not supposed to be working?" His soft brown eyes are focused on me like a laser beam, it's a little unsettling but thrilling in its own secret way.

"Ah, had a fight with Rox thought I'd chop some of my frustration out. So, what's up with the glad rags?" He's dressed in this tight blue shirt that makes his skin glow in contrast. It's rather obvious that he didn't just throw this on.

"I'm taking myself out, trying to cheer myself up." I must have looked confused because he elaborates without being asked. "Amira stuff." Ah, Amria, now that's a name I have been hearing a lot of recently. Syed's little princess, if you ask me she sounds like a bit of a pain but he seems keen on her. Keen enough to go against Zianab anyhow.

"Oh, I see. And where do we stand with the lovely lady then?" I sit myself down on the sofa and prepare for the inevitable unload. He looks at me with those big eyes again and you can see the frustration and little hints of sorrow. I want to go up and give the poor kid a cuddle but I doubt he'd appreciate it.

"Absolutely bloody nowhere. She started ringing me, begging me to take her back, today I cave in and call her, turns out she was only ringing me because her dad got in a little trouble and she didn't know who else to call, he got off today so she's not interested anymore." I stand and lay my hand on his shoulder feeling the muscles jump under my touch, I was right I defiantly shouldn't hug him. I try and stop the cliché's coming out of my mouth, there's plenty of other fish in the sea and so on knowing it won't do him any good.

"Sorry Sy, I know you liked her. Is there anything I can do?" I hope he doesn't mind me shortening his name, no one else seems to but it just suits him.

"No, it's ok. She wasn't really my type anyhow, not really." He gives this small smile. Poor thing must be really cut up about it. I want to tell him that it's ok to care about such things, that no one will think any less of him. That he doesn't have to lie about it. He gives me this strange look half amused and I can't for the life of me work out why, I try and ignore it get the conversation more upbeat again.

"So what is your type then?" I ask lightly.

"Something I can't have." That stops me, I wasn't expecting that, or the look on his face. "Have to be the good boy now. Marry whoever mum wants me to." I can almost picture it and it feels like someone has walked over my grave.

"I can't imagine anything worse, talk about a life sentence." As soon as I say it I regret it. This is his culture I'm mocking here, I relax when I hear him tittering to himself.

"Which is why I am going out for one last big blow out. Do I look ok?" He looks fantastic, incredible. I find myself lingering on his shape letting my eyes take in everything. It's fine right? I had permission after all. I find myself wondering if he's going out on the pull tonight, he is a free man after all. I wonder if he's a virgin, he is a good Muslim boy after all there are certain rules I know he lives by, but when I think of myself at his age not even god himself stood in the corner wagging his finger is disgust would have dissuaded me. But then we're not the same are we? Me and Sy we might have this gentle friendship but we're completely different. I realise he's expecting an answer so I just give him the truth.

"Stunning." He smiles and he looks even better. "Amira's an idiot." I tell him and suddenly the air changes and I feel like a fool for saying it. He looks at me awkwardly then starts to leave.

"Well I should go, happy chopping." With that he's gone and all I can do is lay my head in my hands and sulk. I sit like that for a while, until my phone buzzes in my pocket. A text, from Roxy, she wants to kiss and make up it seems, take me out and make it all go away. I grin and agree, I could use a beer after all.

I stand in front of the club and swallow down my nerves. I had promised myself that I would never come to a place like this again. But then hadn't I promised that the time before that as well. I shouldn't be here I tell myself. I'm Syed Masood, good son from a good family, devout Muslim, promising young man with a bright career before him, once more back with his family where he belongs. Except I'm also Syed Masood, sexual deviant, craving someone to touch me, devour me, please me. I shut my eyes as I feel my own revulsion take over my head.

"Forgive, Allah." I whisper and walk in.

The music is too loud, the bass line is too deep it's like it's trying to take over the rhythm of my heart, it makes me feel uneasy but I force myself to stay. This is the easiest way to get what I want. There is something so animalistic about the way the other men seem to just go with this situation. Hot bodies pressed against each other, thumping with the music, it's horrible, disgusting, mesmerising. I stand in the corner, I can't dance, not like that, not like them so I just wait. I don't have to wait long.

"Hey, I'm Rick, and uh I hate to be presumptuous but can I get you a drink?" I look up at him, evaluate him, not bad. He's tall, dark hair and eyes, his arms are muscular, almost as good as Christian's, not quite, but nice. The best thing about him though is the heat coming off him, I can feel it, this intense feeling coming off him in waves, a man hunting me. It's incredible. I smile at him trying for cocky but probably only managing a school boyish grin, I know my downfalls well enough.

"Sure, a coke please, and I'm Sid." For some reason it helps, helps us both, makes me someone else for the night, someone who doesn't have a family or god judging him, and it blanks out the ethnicity in me for this Rick figure. He gives me this funny look and I give a little fake laugh. "I need to sober up a bit." I lie. For some reason it's better than telling them that you don't drink, they just look at you like you're either a loon or an alcoholic. And this way he'll think that I'm an easy target, which, to be fair, tonight I am. I lay one hand on his arm and look up at him from under my lashes and see him grin in response that slightly smug look that makes me regret my choice a little but I'll get over it.

"Coming up." He winks at me and I watch him leave, allowing myself to really look at him, something I can't normally do in everyday life. I was feeling very sure of myself, which was probably why it happened.

"Syed." I can feel every muscle in my body tense and contract together. "Sy!" I turn to him catching sight of him, shirt undone down the front exposing the tanned toned expanse of his bare chest but it's not like I can enjoy it, I do the only thing that I can think of. I bolt. I make it all the way outside not feeling a tiny bit of guilt for Rick coming back to an empty space. I look both ways trying to remember which way it is the tube when I tight grip catches me around the wrist and pulls me back and then I have to face him. Christian looking so confused at me demanding an explanation and all I can do is lower my head. We must have stood there for a while because he feels the need to shake me by the wrist that he has hold of trying to get me to look at him I assume, I don't though. "What are you doing here?" He asks, there is too much confusion in his voice to even register if he's angry or not. "You do know that this is a gay bar right?" Again I say nothing just look at my feet. "What is this? A little confidence boost?" I look up at him at last bewildered. "Feeling a little down so you go and bat your lashes at some queer and then laugh as they fall over themselves for you? Is that it, Syed?" I almost laugh at how wrong he is but I don't. I would rather have him angrey at me than know the truth.

"It was just a bit of fun." I whisper finally pulling my wrist out of his grip rubbing where he held me. "And a few free drinks." I try a joke. He narrows those sharp green eyes at me.

"You think that this is funny? You're pathetic." Despite myself I feel the sting of that, I always too proud, my mothers son I guess. I try and keep it down. "I can't believe I thought that you were different, you're just like the rest of your bigoted family. No, you're worse because you pretend, pretend to me a good guy but really you're just some pathetic idiot." He pushes me and I nearly go off the curb. I can feel my heckles go up, it's far too late now. I push back gratified that despite our size difference I can still force him back a few paces.

"Don't push me." I warn through me teeth. "This is all your fault!" I accuse all reason long since gone.

"My fault?" He grips me by the shoulders and holds me still, adrenalin rocks through my body, I can smell him, I can almost taste him.

"I was fine until you came along. I had gotten all those sick thoughts out of my head and then you show up looking like that!" My whole existence freezes as I realise what I just said.

"Looking like…" I can literally see the realisation go through him, the pieces coming together. He's still holding me but his grip relaxes, I know that I should shrug my way out of it but I don't. I let him keep his hands on me. "Sy, you're…" I can't stand to hear him say it so I do the least rational thing in the world. I lean forward and kiss him, catching him by surprise. I can't help but let out the tiniest little moan at how good it feels. So much relief after not kissing him every day since I met him to this. I wait for him to realise what's going on, to fling me off him disgusted, but he doesn't. His hands move coming up curling in my hair pulling me even closer and I slink my arms around his waist, enjoying in the feeling of his whole body pressed against mine. His hands move against my scalp and I want to purr into his mouth. His tongue pushes past my lips and into my mouth touching me with gentle caresses, I try my best to give back as good as I'm getting. We both break for air gasping at each other for a moment before clutching at each other again. A loud jeer finally snaps us out of our reverie, we look to see a hen party leering at us. We look at each other and laugh and it's incredible that we even can, like this is a normal situation. Slowly he takes his hand and strokes his thumb down my neck so gently, the other hand tilting my face slightly, not moving in to kiss me but just staring at me.

"Do you…do you want to come back to mine?" he asks. I open my mouth to say something but there is nothing left in me now, so I just nod my head.

I end up getting ditched by Roxy about half an hour into our outing, a phone call from Ronnie it seems. Not that I mind much, I'm in a gay club, here I am the king, and I know it. The music is ace, thick blood driving bass lines and while the beer is extortionate, I can usually manage to wangle a free one out of somewhere. So there I am, good tunes, good beer now I just need some hot thing to keep me company. I scan the club, I catch sight of Rick, a guy who tried it on with me a couple of months ago, he's talking to someone but I can't quite see them, he's blocking most of them. Whoever it is has tanned skin, almost the same colour as Syed's. I find myself grinning at the thought of him. I wonder if he's having fun wherever he is. I hope so, the lad could sure use some. I watch Rick leave and wonder wickedly if I should steal his target and that's when I see just who it is. Unable to stop myself I start towards him bellowing out his name over the music.

"Syed." I can see him stiffen, he heard me alright but he does nothing. I try again. "Sy!" He starts to run, completely confused by this point I follow, catching up to him just outside and gripping his wrist tightly so he can't run off again. I can feel his pulse though my grip running like a scared rabbit. We just stand there as I wait for him to give me some sort of answer, but he doesn't it's like he's gone comatose on me, angry I give him a little shake, his body is so limb it moves through him. "What are you doing here?" I don't understand, Syed would be the last person I would ever expect to find somewhere like this. "You do know that this is a gay bar right?" He won't even look at me and I can't think why. Is he ashamed? But why would he be ashamed unless he's done something bad? A couple of theories start to spring to my mind, none of them good. I can feel the frustration turn to anger. This is supposed to be my place after all, I have to deal with his families homophobic bullshit every day here I am supposed to be able to relax. I hate him for taking that away from me. "What is this? A little confidence boost?" I can hear the venom in my voice, finally he looks up all innocent little boy with his big eyes but it just makes me hate him even more. "Feeling a little down so you go and bat your lashes at some queer and then laugh as they fall over themselves for you? Is that it, Syed?" I can't help but think how stupid he's being, anything could have happened to him, a guy like Sy, he's like a hunk of meat in piranha tank.

"It was just a bit of fun." He whispers it at me and I can feel my stomach tighten in rage. I don't even feel bad as he rubs his liberated wrist, I must have been hurting him, good, I think to myself. "And a few free drinks." Despite it all I was hoping I was wrong, hoping that I had gotten confused somehow but here he is flaunting what he's done like it's perfectly ok.

"You think that this is funny? You're pathetic." I start to rant at him, I can't help it, I need him to know how much he's hurt me. "I can't believe I thought that you were different, you're just like the rest of your bigoted family. No you're worse because you pretend, pretend to me a good guy but really you're just some pathetic idiot." I push him and he goes flying backwards nearly tripping off the edge of the curb but he has this look in his eyes like a feral cat and pushes me back catching me off guard and sending me back before I can steady my stance. But I'm ready now and if it's a fight that the young Mr Masood wants than he won't find me arguing.

"Don't push me." He spits the words at me. "This is all your fault!" He's not even making any sense now.

"My Fault?" I grab him by the shoulders and hold him tightly, he's started this bizarre explanation and there is no way I am going to let him run off again until I know what the hell he's going on about.

"I was fine until you came along. I had gotten all those sick thoughts out of my head and then you show up looking like that!"

"Looking like…" oh, it hits me like a tone of bricks. Never in a million years would I have thought that Syed was…was gay. I think back to that first meeting, I thought he was being homophobic, he wasn't he was nervous, nervous because he fancied me. The idea seems so preposterous. I wonder briefly if someone slipped me something. "Sy, you're…" He doesn't let me finish. He just leans up and kisses me, and it feels…it feels amazing. He tastes incredible, his lips are so soft and then he lets out this little moan that sends the blood straight to my groin, just this one tiny little sound and he has already completely undone me. My hands move by their own accord to his hair trapping him, keeping him closer, always closer. It's so soft I can't help but bunch it up in my fingers. I can feel his hands hesitantly slink around my waist giving me a little tug forward so that there is nothing between the two of us, not even air. I gently push his lips apart with mine and he allows my tongue into his mouth, I want to hold him there and touch every single bit of him inside and out but I settle for curling my tongue around his hot wet mouth, slightly worried that I might be getting ahead of myself it's a relief when I feel him mirror my actions. I hate having to pull back to sever this fledging connection but I think I'd pass out if I don't. After a few quick lungfuls I pull him back though, I had missed the feeling of him against me even in those few moments. A drunken yell makes him pull away though and we both look at the staggering ladies with fake plastic breasts over their slightly more natural ones I look at him and we share a laugh. It's nice, easy, gentle, but I can still feel the heat in my veins and when I look at him his eyes have gone black with want. A little kiss outside a club is not going to be enough. I'm greedy. I want more. I want everything. I reach out for him and he lets me manipulate his face with my hands delighting in the contrast between the rough stubble and the soft skin, it takes everything I have not to kiss him again but somehow I mange it.

"Do you…do you want to come back to mine?" I ask gently knowing it will kill me if he says no. My breath catches in my throat as I watch his mouth open, I can only exhale when I see that nervous but eager little nod.

A little voice in my head has been telling me this is crazy ever since we left the club. Taking the tube back, walking into Walford, seeing the now familiar sights, realising that this is where my family live, it made me want to back out. He knew I was nervous, he kept taking my hand and drawing little patterns on it, that was all it took, the slightest touch of his flesh against mine and I was his. That little voice couldn't scream loud enough to get past that. I don't think anything could. He lets me into his flat in silence and I suddenly don't know where to put myself, luckily Christian seems to know exactly where he wants me. He grabs me by the wrist and pulls me in tight, running his hands through my hair once and smiling softly at me before kissing me again. I feel like I'm drowning, but oh what a way to go. I can feel us moving, him taking these steps back my feet automatically copying the action but I don't even question why unlike the back of my legs touch something and I flop backwards right onto his bed. I should be terrified, appalled. I'm not. He grins savagely down at me and I have never felt so small, so helpless, it's enthralling. Slowly he descends on me forcing me to lie back as he crawls over my body, we're both still fully clothed but I feel exposed still. His head drifts up to mine and I hold my breath as I prepare for him to kiss me. But he doesn't, he keeps going down unlike his lips are against my ear sending shuddering breaths of air over the sensitive skin there, I shake slightly and I know he can feel it.

"What do you want me to do, Sy?" He asks in this deep growl. I have a few ideas, most of which are too frightening to put into words.

"I don't know." I breath back. One of his hands starts to toy with the top button of my shirt slipping the button half in and out of the hole, his fingers just lightly touching my skin as he does so.

"Oh, I think you do. And I want you to tell me." He slips the button out entirely then the next few and then leans down and presses his mouth against my collar, peppering little butterfly kisses down until he meets the fifth button still done up, I groan with frustration and I can feel my arousal push hard against my jeans. "And you're not getting any more from me until you tell me." I look at him desperately, pleading with him. But he just stares back coming back up to my level. I swallow hard and pull up courage I didn't even know I had. I lift my head up finding his ear with my mouth.

"I want you to fuck me." I whisper. He grins his approval and gives me one long hard kiss.

"My pleasure." He says with a rise of his eyebrows and then starts to undo the rest of my buttons, then my shirt, lifting me off the bed slightly to pull it off my arms and back and then he's kissing my skin again going lower and lower, following the natural lines of my body, the dip of my hip. He must be able to feel my excitement and I know I should be embarrassed or shamed but I'm not, I'm just a mass of singing nerves. Slowly he unbuttons my jeans and pulls down the zip, gripping the fabric with two strong hands he shoves them off my legs, taking my underwear with it and then I'm naked under him and he's looking at me, just looking, taking in every single inch of me. He grins again. And kisses the inside of my thigh. "You're so fucking sexy." He mouths into the skin of my thigh and I give this odd little keening sound I've never heard come out of me before. He laughs darkly in the back of his throat and pulls his shirt up over his head and flings it to the side. Unable to resist I reach up and follow ever curve and dip of his muscles pulling myself up and repeating the act with my mouth even though my stomach muscles are protesting with the effort. After a while he pushes me back down with the palm of his hand and kisses me softly I can hear him scrabbling in the bedside table draw but I can't really think what that means at the moment. He pulls back to throw off his own jeans and I finally get to look at him. He's big and thick, already fully erect a tiny bead of precum leaking slightly from the tip that I have to fight the urge to lick. A rush of something goes through me at the thought of that inside of me but I can't tell if it's fear or desire. Regardless I know that I need this. He wiggles down the bed and I feel stupidly sad at the idea of him not being so close, I quickly revaluate the idea as his hand and then his mouth close around my cock. I arch my back all the breath leaving me in one long shuddering exhale that seems to come straight out of my bones. I toss me head slightly and I catch sight of what he pulled from the bedside draw, lubricate and condoms. My heart races at the implication, this was happening, this was actually happening. I can't stop staring at them sat there ominously this is until Christian takes me deep into his mouth and sucks hard, it's difficult to think of anything then.

"Christian!" I gasp his name and I can almost feel his lips curve against me. My hands instinctively go to his head and clutch him there my hips raising to meet his lips selfishly perusing my own pleasure. Secure in the knowledge that if Christian wanted to he could push me away whenever he liked. I can feel my orgasm start to build, just before me, just out of reach I just keep panting chasing it down. But then he pulls off me, I can't help but let out a rather pathetic groan of disappointment. He chuckles as he lifts himself back up so we are level once more.

"You said you wanted me to fuck you." He reminds me and I feel my blood sizzle with the idea of it. He reaches to the side and lubricates his fingers, I spread my legs for him and it only takes him a second to slip first one then two fingers inside me. It hurts, of course it does, it had been too long since the last time. But he moves slowly inside me getting me used to it, stretching me, then he angles his fingers up a bit and touches that spot inside me, my whole body shakes lifting up and curling around with the pleasant shock of it all. He kisses me, soothing my back down from my high. He keeps moving inside of me so slowly, I pull his head to mine and just look at him unable to form a coherent noise I hope he gets my meaning through my look. 'I'm ready'. He pulls his fingers out of my body gently, then I can hear rather than see him faff with the condom rolling it down his length. Then he positions himself between my legs, pulling them up onto his shoulder and then I can feel the head against me. I grip hold of his shoulders tightly undoubtedly leaving nail marks as he slowly, ever so slowly pushes inside. It's incredible. I can feel every inch of him slowly sink into me filling me to brim. I stare at him, unable to take my eyes away from the sight he makes. Christian Clarke, his eyes shut with concentration, sweat starting to form on his skin, his muscles rippling under the effort. This incredible man claiming me, it's amazing. Fully inside me he lets out this puff of air. "God!" He pants "You're so tight." That shocks me, I'm pretty sure it's a compliment but I have no idea what to do with it so I just moan happily in his ear. We stay like this for a while, joined together, and then slowly he starts to move. It's amazing how much I can feel of him, slowly drawing back, his hips rotating slightly as he pushes back in, it only takes him three strokes before he's found that spot again and I surge my hips up to meet him crying out his name. He speeds up, encouraged by my cry it seems. I can feel my climax start to build again and I push my hips up to meet his, desperate to feel everything that he has to offer. He reaches down between us and takes my cock in his hand, he runs his thumb over the head a few times, slippery with my precum, then starts to jerk me in earnest. It's too much, far far far too much, my senses go insane and I spasm upwards crying out his name again and spilling myself all over his hand. "Fuck." He whispers in my ear and gives two more automatic thrust of the hips before he groans and comes. We lay panting together for a while, his weight crushing the air out of me, but I don't even care. Gradually he lifts up, pulls out of me and flumps down on the bed, dragging me into his arms. My orgasm is still ebbing from me but already I can feel it there, that little voice so much harder to ignore now, reminding me that this is wrong. I give one little attempt to pull out of his arms but I have no strength left so I surrender. I can feel him kiss my forehead lightly, gently, and I allow myself to have a little nap cocooned perfectly safe and secure in the nest that Christian makes for me, surrounded by the heady smell of him and sex. But I know this feeling won't last.

He's so nervous, I wonder if it's his first time. For some reason I doubt it. Maybe first timers don't kiss like he does, I don't know. He was such a wreck on the tube. I wish we weren't so far from home, if it had been a quick jog back to mine he wouldn't be so afraid. But he's got all this time to think about it. I can't help but take his hand and draw little shapes on it, it seems to calm him so I keep doing it. He gets more and more tense the closer to Walford we get, a shame really because I'm just more excited. The second I have him in my flat with the door shut I just grab him, grab him and like I've been dying to do the whole fucking journey. I want to touch him everywhere I grab his hair pushing it back off his face and just look at him. He really is the prettiest thing I have ever seen and I can't resist anymore, I kiss him, hard. I start to walk him backwards towards my bed, the thought itself is thrilling, Syed in my bed. I grin at him and have some idea of what I must look like. He stares up at me all big hungry eyes, looking at me as he is spread on my bed. I crawl up over him, covering him with my body. I move towards his face and though my whole body is telling me to I don't kiss him, I move down to his ear I can feel him tense holding his breath not knowing what I'm going to do. He lets out a little tremble as I get nearer and I want to grin in triumph again.

"What do you want me to do, Sy?"I ask. I need to hear him say it, I'm desperate for him to give himself to me but I won't take anything he isn't prepared to give.

"I don't know."He breathes but I don't want to let him off that easily. I start to play with one of his buttons, to be honest this is torture for ne as well, I've been trying to keep myself at bay since I got him here. I don't seem to be doing very well.

"Oh, I think you do. And I want you to tell me." I open the button then the next few unable to stop myself, his skin is so beautiful, golden peppered with sparse dark hair. It sums him up perfectly delicate yes but unmistakably male. I kiss along his collar bone feeling him squirm under me, a little sample of what he can expect. I kiss all the way down until I meet the barrier of the shirt, then I have to stop. I hear him groan and grin to myself, he wants me as much as I want him. "And you're not getting any more from me until you tell me." I lie, I can't resist him much longer but I desperately want to hear him say it. He looks up at me giving the big eyes and I almost give in, let him get away with. But then he's lifting up finding my ear with his mouth

"I want you to fuck me." I can't think for a moment, his words burrow into me and I can feel myself impatiently digging into the hard fabric of my jeans. It's all I can do not to release myself roll him over and give him just that. But I force myself under control. I kiss him again just because I simply have to.

"My pleasure." I growl down to him and quickly open the rest of his shirt manoeuvring him to pull it off and hastily throwing it somewhere then it's back to his skin. His muscles shake and tense where I kiss, I can't help but continue until his whole torso is shaking slightly and his head is pushed back. I can feel his cock hard against my hip reassuring me that he is indeed liking this. I continue to undress him undoing his jeans literally tearing them off his legs just so I can look at him. And look at him I do. I just stare, never have I seen anything like this. He's perfect. His chest, his arms, his legs, his face all perfect, lither limbs with compact muscles, defined without being bulky. His face flushed with desire, his hair dishevelled and his cock. Long and thin, circumcised, one large thick vein at the bottom reaching up to the head, wet with his excitement, hard and curving towards his stomach for me. The thought makes me smile, I have to tell him just how perfect he is. I can't not. I kiss up his thigh, the skin is so soft, I resist the urge to bite down instead I just murmur against his skin. "Your so fucking sexy." I nearly lose it when he lets out this little noise, desperate, pleading, and intoxicating. I laugh with my delight and quickly get rid of my top. He touches me, runs his fingers over my skin again and again and then he's there with his mouth repeating the actions. In my jeans my cock throbs and I know I have to get him off me or this is going to be over very quickly. I push him away with one hand.Reaching down I kiss him gently, not even knowing if he's nervous but wanting to sooth just in case he is. I'm also trying to distract him from what I'm doing pulling out the necessary stuff from out of my bedside draw. I take my jeans off next, they were getting painful anyway, and I watch as he looks at me, trailing his eyes down my body over every inch of me lingering on my cock which pulses heavily in response. I can tell he is nervous now, his eyes large like saucers but black with lust, he's scared but he still wants this, thank god. I don't know what I'd do if he wanted to stop now. I slide down the bed until I'm level with his cock not giving him a second to think about it I close one hand and then my mouth around it, delighting in his immediate and intense reaction. I continue bobbing my head up and down taking more and more of him in as I go, I feel him tense for a second but then he relaxes.

"Christian!" I love hearing him say my name in that voice, breathy and desperate, separating the syllables as it comes out of his mouth on a breath of air. His hands grip at my head clawing into me, it hurts but not enough to bother me. It's a high knowing what I can do to him, how powerfully I affect him. His hips cant automatically into my mouth, fucking me with wild abandonment, I'm tempted to continue to draw him out and let him cum, but he told me what he wanted and I am determined to give it to him.I can't help but laugh at his pathetic groan but still crawl up to him.

"You said you wanted me to fuck you." It's getting harder and harder to control myself but I swallow and reach for the lube, coating two fingers. I look back to him and he's spreading himself for me, I winch slightly as the sight sends a lance of arousal right through me. It takes everything I have not to touch myself but I want to feel him around me, I promised him that. I force myself to be slow, excruciated slow as I prepare him, I don't want to hurt him. I hate seeing his brow furrow as he simply allows it to happen only relaxing when his face changes with arousal as I find his prostate; he curls up like a hedgehog around me his body shaking his mouth open. I almost wonder if no one has ever touched him there before. I kiss him, trying to calm him all the while still moving gently inside him making him ready for me. Suddenly he's grabbing my head and forcing me to meet his eyes. I don't understand at first but then I get it, he's telling me to do it, he's ready. I pull out and grab a condom from the bedside table ripping open the packet with clumsy fingers. I can't seem to get it on me quick enough I just want to be inside him, even if just for a second. I position myself and slowly rub the tip of my cock against his opening, he doesn't even flinch I'm relieved. I grab his legs and heave them up onto my shoulders. It's too much him there open and ready for me, I'm forcing myself to keep calm, to not slam myself into him as every fibre in my body is telling me to do. Gently I tell myself, gently. He has hold of my shoulders in a tight grip but it's hard to feel anything apart from the ache in my cock. I push in as slowly as I can stand, gritting my teeth together to tether me down, screwing up my eyes, using every ounce of self control I have. Sweat starts to build where our skin is touching making everything wet slippery but my grip is firm. Finally I'm inside him fully and I can feel his body pull around me squeezing down my length. "God!" It escapes me unthinking. "You're so tight" It seems like such a ridiculous comment but I couldn't help myself, I can barely hear his response past the blood pounding in my ears. I slowly gather myself, it's so hard not to come right now just inside him but somehow I manage not to. I start to move, slowly at first then quicker, the second I find his prostate he starts to spasm, moving his hips to meet mine until we have this rhythm going on. He cries my name and it's like a drug I'm hooked on that sound.I have to give him more, everything. I start to speed up but he stays with me, still meeting me thrust for thrust, I've never had anyone as response as Syed before, someone who seems so intone with me. I can feel the end coming now, desperate to make him feel good I grab at his cock in-between us, pressing my thumb over the head before stroking him quickly in time with my thrusts inside him. I hear him call my name as he shudders, cum leaking out over my hand. His body tightens around my cock, clenching me in, forcing my orgasm to hit me like a brick wall. "Fuck." It comes stretched from behind my teeth. I can feel the last thoughtless thrusts of my hips into him as my orgasm faded. I lay myself on him, unable to move, my entire body turned to mush. I know I must be too heavy for him but he doesn't say anything just pants with me. When I can I pull off him, out of his tight hot body, I pull him onto me wrapping my arms around him, I can feel him try and pull away once and then he gives in. I kiss his head, his hair damp and curled with our sweat. It seems so fucking right to have him here, I never want to let him go. He's mine now, all mine.

I wake up far too hot, something is pressed up against me, I wiggle against it and it moves leaving me cold where the air touches the sweat on my skin. I'm awake instantly. I reach for the alarm clock that isn't mine and read the time. 01:34, I can't have been asleep for more than ten minuets. Everything that just happened replays itself for me like a little nightmare on the inside of my eyes. The club, telling Christian, kissing him, sleeping with him. I look down at myself the residue of my own pleasure has dried on my stomach leaving a white trail of sin. And that's what I am, a sinner. The repulsion grabs hold of my stomach and I have to get out of there. I leap up then clutch over as the ache hits me. It hurts still, that uncomfortable ache inside me, I'm almost glad; it makes it easier to see myself as a victim of some sort if it hurts. I hobble to the bathroom and scrub the stain off me until my skin glows pink, I want to rip myself open and scrub inside, get rid of this unnatural urge inside me. I think of my family and how ashamed they'd be. I think of my god and I know I've just failed his test. I creep back to the bedroom and gather my clothes as quietly as I can.

"Sy?" His voice comes out muffled against the pillow, but I see him roll over onto his back. "Come back to bed." He demands and I actually move a step towards him to comply before catching myself.

"Can't." I mutter. "Mum will wonder where I am." Mum, saying it brings up her face, looking at me disgusted, full of hate and I fear I'm going to be sick.

"Oh." He manages then I can see him smile a flash of white in the blackness. "But we'll talk tomorrow?" There is an edge of pleading in his voice.

"Hmm…" I reply vaguely but it seems to satisfy him as he rolls back over and is asleep before I even make it out the door. I sneak out onto the street hoping no one is about to see me. Anyone that knows Christian would know what it would mean me walking out of his flat at this time of the morning. Thankfully no one is there and I make it all the way back home without anyone seeing me. I just start on the first step when I hear it.

"Syed?"

"Mum?" She walks out of the front room in her dressing gown and slippers. "Have you been waiting up for me?"

"Of course I have, my eldest son out on the town doing who knows what, how could I sleep?" She demands in that shrill voice that somehow I missed.

"Mum, Shabs is the other side of the world and I used to go out all the time and you never used to worry." Not to mention the last couple of years with you not even knowing where I was, but it's become one of those things that we don't talk about, ever. "What's this really about?" I fold my arms and try and look cross at her, how can I though with what I just did, I feel what a hypocrite I am but I've committed to the movement now so I keep it up.

"Tamwar told me about Amira." She whispers. He must have overheard our conversation, I mentally remind myself to compensate for nosy younger brothers in the future. "I was worried." I look at her, seriously look at her, and for one moment I see what she really is. She wasn't worried that I was sad, would be off depressed somewhere. She was worried that I'd be off forgetting my woes in the arms of another woman, probably Janine, shaming our family. Well she was half right. I remember what she said to me not so long ago about my fortune as a child. The damn parrot was right I am a lone traveller who no one will ever truly know. She was wrong; she didn't know me in the slightest. If she met the real Syed even for a second she would turn her back on me. She only wants the perfect image of me that she's created, the prodigal son returns. I smile and hug her tightly, if that's what she wants then she can have it.

"I'm fine ma, really." I give myself into the role. It's not like I can ever truly be myself, not and keep all that matters to me so why can't I be the Syed she wants me to be, the golden son, seems a good enough role to play. And then I remember, because there is that man out there that knows, a man who saw me for what I am. I clutch onto my mum, holding this sugar paper life together as tightly as I can as she starts to reassure me that Amira wasn't good enough that she'll help fine me a nice girl, but I'm not listening. I'm wondering if she can see or smell or even just sense some of what I have just done on me, but if she can she ignores it. I let her go and smile at her agree with what ever she wants as usual, so willing to be her Syed. I have to make sure that Christian won't tell anyone. Tomorrow, I have to sort it tomorrow.

The body next to be moves and I obligingly shift to give him some more space. The little rusting sounds of unrest continue for a while and then he leaves the bed, I can hear him in the bathroom but I can't be bothered to roll over. Syed. I grin to myself a stupid face aching grin because it's Syed in my bathroom. Cleaning himself up most probably after our little tussle. I can't wait until he gets back into bed. I have all these ideas rolling around my mind of holding him close stroking his skin until he goes back to sleep. I've never been one for the after moments, I'm usually a thank you and call yourself a cab kinda guy. But now I just want to feel him next to me again. I hear him come back but he doesn't get back in, instead there's the twinkling sound of his loose belt clanging against itself, that wakes me up a bit more.

"Sy?" I roll onto my back and catch a glimpse of him through half shut eyes, the lights of the street sneaking in through the crack in the blinds over his still bare chest, fuck I had almost forgotten how perfect he was. I fight against the dead weight of my own body to try and lift myself up and pull him back to me. Failing I try and convince him. "Come back to bed." I know I must be pouting like a child but I don't care.

"Can't." His voice sounds a little cold, poor thing must feel gutted that he can't get back into bed. "Mum will wonder where I am." I almost laugh at the thought of Zianab, maybe I should call her tell her that her son isn't coming home tonight because I just fucked him and now want to cuddle up to him all night. I doubt she'd be happy.

"Oh." I manage to suppress my exhausted giggles. "But we'll talk tomorrow?" We should have talked tonight really there were so many things to say, but other more pressing things got in the way.

"Hmm…" I smile as he agrees and roll back over. I want to listen out for him to go, I want to wish him a goodnight to tell him that I'll be thinking of him until I see him, how wonderful tonight was. But instead I just cosy up to the pillow his head was on, take in one big deep inhale of Syed, and fall off comforted in the fact that Syed Masood is all mine.