SEINFELD

The Bad Laughers

Scene - Movie Theatre Lobby

JERRY

I love this guy. Look at him taking your ticket, ripping it in half. What if I gave him the wrong ticket? What do think he'd do?

GEORGE

He probably wouldn't even notice.

JERRY

I'm think I'm gonna try it. (Takes some ticket stubs out of his wallet) I don't know why I save these things. They're like souvenirs from the movies. They don't let you bring cameras, so you've got to keep the stubs. Look (holding up ticket stub) this was me at "Summer In South Dakota."

GEORGE

Just don't try anything funny, OK.

JERRY

Why not, lets see what happens.

GEORGE

Please. You don't understand. I don't have the stomach for this sort of thing.

JERRY

C'mon. Look, he's just a kid. What's he gonna do, point his flashlight at you?

GEORGE

I just can't do it. It's...dishonest.

JERRY

So was telling the girl at the ticket counter you're 65 for the senior's discount, but you didn't seem to have too much trouble with that.

GEORGE

That's different. It's a matter of principle. Why should we have to pay more than them? You know, they should change that line in the constitution: "All men are created equal, but old men are 25% off."

JERRY

So it's one less pack of gum in your life. Is it really such a big deal?

GEORGE

It's the same seat! For two dollars give me a footrest. Something. Just because you're old, life should be one big clearance sale?

KRAMER

Alright, lets go.

GEORGE

Wait, I've got to get some popcorn. Does anyone want anything?

KRAMER

Get me a decaf coffee.

GEORGE

What do you think this is, the teacher's lounge? There's no coffee.

ELAINE

Oh, I could really use some caffeine. I'm so tired. I was up all night reading this stupid manuscript.

JERRY

Oh, yeah. What was it about?

ELAINE

A guy who travels back in TIME to become the world's first dentist.

KRAMER

Alright, get me an...orange Pip.

JERRY

They haven't made those for, like, 30 years.

KRAMER

Fine. Get me a water. But not any of that bottled stuff. I like the taste of tap water. It's got character. That filtered water, it's bland, flavourless. It's like drinking...

JERRY

Water.

KRAMER

Well, yeah.

GEORGE

I'm not asking for tap water.

KRAMER

Why not?

GEORGE

You can't just go up there and ask for water. This is a business.

KRAMER

I ask for water all the time.

GEORGE

Fine! I'll get you the water. Anyone else?

JERRY

Better get me a water too.

GEORGE

Alright! 2 waters!

ELAINE.

Water, yeah, that sounds good.

GEORGE

THREE WATERS, coming up! We've got some BIG spenders here!

(George goes over to the concession stand)

RICKY

Can I help you sir?

GEORGE

Yeah, one small popcorn, and three...waters please.

RICKY

We've got three kinds of water. They all taste the same.

GEORGE

No, I want from the tap, not the bottles.

RICKY

Tap water?

GEORGE

They're not for me. They're for my friends.

RICKY

Alright. That's $4.15 for the popcorn, and seventy-five cents for the waters.

GEORGE

You're charging me for water? How can you do that?

RICKY

It's not for the water. It's for the cups. They're twenty-five cents each.

GEORGE

I can't believe you're charging me for water. What kind of place is this? I go to a restaurant they don't charge me for water. And they have to pay someone to wash the glasses. A glass is worth a lot more money than some paper cup.

(Guy in line behind George nudges him.)

GUY

Are you almost done?

GEORGE

Can you wait a minute. Seventy-five cents for water. So you're saying that if I brought like an empty jug, you wouldn't be charging me anything?

RICKY

Do you have an empty jug?

GEORGE

No. I'm not allowed to bring anything in to the theater.

JERRY

George, the movie's starting.

GEORGE

They're charging me seventy-fives cents for the water.

JERRY

Alright. Do you want money George?

GEORGE

No.

JERRY

So what's the problem?

GEORGE

It's unethical.

JERRY

Suddenly you're Clarence Darrow. Come on.

GEORGE

Alright. But you owe me a quarter.

(Enter the theatre. Kramer and Elaine have chosen seats)

GEORGE

You both owe me twenty-five cents. Oh! Look at these seats. We're right in the middle.

ELAINE

What's wrong with the middle?

GEORGE

What if I have to get out during the movie. Then I've got to squeeze past everyone. And then when I come back I've got to do it again. People hate when you do that. They look at you like you just marched at Nuremberg.

ELAINE

So sit on the aisle. There's a seat right there.

GEORGE

Are you going to move?

ELAINE

No.

GEORGE

Well then I'm not going.

ELAINE

It's a movie. We're not going to be doing anything. We're gonna be watching. What does it matter where you sit?

GEORGE

I don't like sitting next to strangers. I can never be comfortable with someone sitting next to me, who I don't know. 'Cause you've got to make a good impression. I've got to make sure I don't breathe too loud. I can't cross my legs. And what if I have to sneeze? Plus, if it's a woman, forget it. And what about those armrests? My arm's always brushing against theirs. How are you supposed to watch a movie like that?

JERRY

Armrest confusion. It happens to the best of us.

GEORGE

Well there's one rest for two people. You're playing with fire.

ELAINE

Sit down George.

GEORGE

Alright.

(George sits down next to an empty seat.)

ELAINE

See. There's no one even sitting there. You'll be fine.

GEORGE

This is the worst thing that could have happened. Now I'm waiting for someone to come and sit here. Every time a person walks through the door, I'm gonna have to worry about whether or not they're coming up here. They start walking up the aisle, I have to mentally will them past me.

JERRY

Here comes someone.

GEORGE

C'mon. Up! Up! C'mon.

(The couple stops beside George's empty seats for a second and then proceed up the steps.)

GEORGE

That was a close one.

KRAMER

Shh! The movie's starting.

GEORGE

It's not over yet. You've got to factor in 5-10 minutes for traffic, or lineups in the bathroom. Then I'll be in the clear.

ELAINE

You've really got this figured out, don't you?

(Previews start. A couple starts ambling up the steps. George pretends to look away, but is really watching their every move. They sit down in front of him, but then get up and move to the seats beside him.)

ELAINE

Hahaha. Better keep your hands to yourself.

(George is fuming. He looks over and Jerry, then puts his hand on the armrest, only to find that it is already occupied. The woman sitting next to him glares into his eyes.)

(The movie is long and boring. We see Elaine beginning to nod off, and then eventually falling asleep. Her head falls on Jerry's shoulder and he pushes her off to Kramer, who pushes her back to Jerry.)

MOVIE

Even though they're sending you to jail for stealing that loaf of bread to feed our starving cats, and I'm dying from this extremely rare form of athlete's foot, I know we'll always be together...in our forgotten hearts.

(In the back of the theatre, we can see two men laughing heartily at what is not a funny line.)

MOVIE

Don't worry Matilda. They can lock me up for the rest of my life, and take all our money, our children, our home, our pets, and my...car. But we'll always have Idaho.

(Two men in the back are laughing harder than before. Everyone in the theatre is silent and stolid, many are even weeping at this heartfelt bit of dialogue.)

JERRY

Can you believe those guys. What are they laughing at?

(Kramer is crying.)

KRAMER

Idaho (Kramer is crying, overcome by emotion)

JERRY

They're sick. Did you hear how they were laughing when that kid's turtle died?

(George is gone, but we see him trying to move through the aisle to get back to his seat.)

GEORGE

Excuse me. Excuse me. Sorry.

(A woman jerks her leg back. George has just stepped on her foot. She looks at him like he's got a swastika tattooed on his forehead.)

GEORGE

See! What did I miss? Something funny?

JERRY

No.

GEORGE

Then what were those guys laughing at? I could hear them from the stall. Over the flush.

JERRY

NOTHING. They're crazy. They're laughing at everything.

GEORGE

A couple of bad laughers.

JERRY

It's like One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest.

(Elaine is now asleep and the movie has ended.)

KRAMER

I don't get it. Who was that guy who came back at the end and saved the farm?

JERRY

That was her first husband.

KRAMER

I thought he was dead.

JERRY

No, he just had amnesia.

KRAMER

Then why didn't she recognize him?

JERRY

Because he had a beard.

KRAMER

Oh, I get it.

GEORGE

What did you think happened?

KRAMER

I don't know. I thought it might have been a metaphor you know. The long hair, the beard, healing those sheep. The amnesia. You know who I'm talking about.

GEORGE

Who?

(Kramer makes the sign of the cross.)

JERRY

Jesus didn't have amnesia.

KRAMER

Sure he did. He was out fishing one day and he got knocked overboard. That's how he met Mary. She took him in, you know, away from his evil step-mother. That's why he couldn't go to the ball. He had to stay home and clean the drapes. But then he ate the apple and it all came...right back.

GEORGE

C'mon lets go. I want to go see if that kid is still here.

KRAMER

I'll wake up Elaine.

JERRY

She's really out cold. Wait a second! Wait a second! I just had a great idea! Lets leave her here. In the theatre.

KRAMER

What are you talking about?

JERRY

Lets leave her here. She'll wake up, the place will be empty. This is the last show of the night. She won't know where she is. It'll be hilarious.

KRAMER

Oh no. I'm not going to have anything to do with this.

JERRY

George.

GEORGE

I don't know her well enough to do something like that.

JERRY

You've known her for ten years?

GEORGE

Yeah, but we were never really close.

JERRY

Alright. I'll take all the responsibility. If she's mad, you can just say that it was all my idea.

GEORGE

It doesn't matter. We're guilty by association. She's gonna be just as angry with us as she is with you.

JERRY

Don't worry. I'll call her first thing tomorrow and apologize. Come on. Haven't you always wanted to do something like this? You stopped me with the ticket stub. This is a story you can tell to everyone. At parties, you know how you never have anything to talk about when you meet new people. This is a story.

GEORGE

Alright. Well I'm gonna go see if I can find the manager. Wait for me!

JERRY

You drove.

GEORGE

That's right!

(George runs off to find the manager. Kramer and Jerry stand over the sleeping Elaine.)

JERRY

So what happened to the stepmother?

KRAMER

She turned to pepper.

(George catches up with the manager in the lobby. He is a pimply-faced kid, about 17.)

GEORGE

Excuse me, are you the manager? (Reading his name-tag) Richard?

RICH

It's Rich.

GEORGE

Well, Rich. I just wanted to let you know that I come here all the time. I mean it's my favorite theater. I'm here 7 nights a week, practically. Right from the beginning.

RICH

This theatre's 60 years old.

GEORGE

(Shows his ticket stub) Senior citizen.

RICH

I've never seen you before.

GEORGE

Well, I used to have a mustache.

Anyway, I was here tonight with a few friends and they're all, well, between you and me, kinda...cheap. They sent me to get them some water, at the counter over there. I prefer soft-drinks myself. The more expensive the better. But the kid, he charged me for the water. Now I don't know if that's standard practice, but I'll tell you something; my father used to be the Vice-President of Vending down at Madison Square Gardens. The Vending King they called him. He told his employees, categorically, that water was free. If anyone asked for a water they got it no charge.

He went out of his way to tell them that. He'd stop people in the halls, strangers, for no reason and tell them, "Hey, the water's free."

In fact they called him...Free Water Frank....the, uh, Vending King. He had a crown made out of hot dog wrappers.

RICH

Look, if I don't get in there soon to mop the floors, they're gonna start sticking...

GEORGE

You can't charge people for water. It's not fair. First you tell us we can't bring anything into the theatre. Then you charge us for water. What are you trying to do...I can't think of the word here. When you won't feed people, you're starving them. What's it called when you won't give them anything to drink? Thirsting them? That can't be right.

RICH

Look, we don't charge people for water.

GEORGE

But that guy, he charged me twenty-five cents a cup. He said that was policy.

RICH

What can I tell you? It's not. We don't charge for water.

GEORGE

But that kid, I don't know his name. He was about your age, height, red hair. Really bad complexion. Skinny!

RICH

No one like that works here.

GEORGE

Are you saying this guy came in off the street and stole my seventy-five cents.

RICH

I'm saying I don't know who you're talking about.

GEORGE

Well he's not gonna get away with this.

(Jerry and Kramer are waiting by the doors without Elaine, whom they have left in the theater. They all exit. A minute later Kramer enters, but Jerry comes in and pulls him back out.)

SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT

(Jerry dials Elaine's phone. It rings, and rings, but no one answers. Eventually the answering machine picks up.)

JERRY

It's me again. This is the fifth time I've called. I'm really, really, really sorry about last night, just call me back. Bye

GEORGE

Elaine?

JERRY

I've called her like five times. No one's answering.

GEORGE

Of course not. This is part of the revenge. Now she's gonna make you worry about her.

JERRY

Well I am. I'm worried. What if something happened?

GEORGE

What's gonna happen? C'mon.

JERRY

What's gonna happen? You know if you were in Jaws, you'd be one of those people who'd say, "What the hell, it's hot outside. Lets go for a swim."

GEORGE

Look. I'm right about this. I've dedicated my life to revenge. I know how this works.

(Kramer Enters)

KRAMER

Elaine?

JERRY

I can't get a hold of her.

KRAMER

I told you it was a bad idea. What if something happened? I'll never forgive myself. What if she's...you know.

GEORGE

She's not...

KRAMER

Don't worry Jerry, I won't testify against you buddy. They can't make me.

GEORGE

Nothing happened. This is part of the game. Now I'm hungry, is anyone coming with me for lunch?

JERRY

I can't go. I'm gonna wait and see if she calls.

KRAMER

How can you think about food at a time like this? Elaine could be out there somewhere, lying in a ditch, and the only thing you can think about is tuna on toast with a side of onion rings and a slice of...pecan pie.

GEORGE

I was thinking more of an egg salad and orange jell-o.

KRAMER

Well go! Get out of here. I'm gonna wait with you, Jerry. Elaine! (Kramer starts crying)

(Newman Enters)

JERRY

Hello Newman, this is kind of a bad time.

NEWMAN

Did I hear something about Elaine?

JERRY

No. She's just....

KRAMER

(Kramer is picking the petals off a rose) Poor little buttercup, poor little buttercup...

JERRY

We went to the movies yesterday night and she fell asleep in the theater and, as a joke, we left her there. Now she's not answering her phone.

NEWMAN

You...left her...in the theater?

KRAMER

It was Jerry's idea.

NEWMAN

Now you listen here Seinfeld! (Getting in Jerry's face) If one hair on her head is harmed as a result of your childish prank, I will visit the wraith of the entire U.S. Postal Service on you and your family. You'll be cut off from the outside world, living every day in an ignorant, mail-less, haze. Wandering the earth searching blindly for your tax refund. No bank statements, no cancelled cheques. No..., how should I put it, adult fare for a certain Uncle Leo. Junk mail, the likes of which you could never imagine, will rain down upon you. Letters coming back marked, "return to sender." Postage to be paid by RECIPIENT.

JERRY

Alright, that's enough.

NEWMAN

Is it? Just make sure you remember this; Hell hath no fury like a postman scorned.

SCENE - STREET

(George is on the street, right outside of Monk's. He sees the two "bad-laughers" from the movie theater about to enter the restaurant.)

GEORGE

Hey, those are the guys from the movie last night. The bad laughers. Maybe they saw Elaine leave.

(George approaches the bad-laughers.)

GEORGE

Hi. You don't know me, but I was in the same theater as you yesterday for Forgotten Heart.

DICK

Yeah, I remember you. You were that guy who kept getting up. You blocked the screen, hahaha.

GEORGE

Well, it was only one time. I had a big bowl of soup for dinner.

ANDY

Yeah. And when you came back you slipped, and it, hahahaha, it looked like you were about to fall.

GEORGE

Well someone spilled their drink all over the floor. It was dark, I couldn't see.

DICK

That was really a great movie. Remember the scene where the guy from the bank came and made them sign all those papers? That was hilarious?

GEORGE

When they foreclosed on their house?

ANDY

Yeah. Hahaha.

GEORGE

But they were all crying.

DICK

It was a riot. So, what's this about?

GEORGE

Well, I was there with a few friends. I wanted to see "Lost In Rhode Island," but anyway. One of them was a woman. Short. She fell asleep during the movie and we kind of played a joke on her, you know, and left her in the theater. I remember you guys were still there when we left, and I was wondering if you saw her leave, or knew what happened to her.

ANDY

No, we didn't see anyone when we left. The place was empty.

(Andy looks at Dick and they both break out in laughter.)

GEORGE

What's so funny?

DICK

It's an inside joke. Something that happened last night. Nice, hahaha, speaking to you.

ANDY

Yeah. I hope you, Hahaha find your friend.

DICK

Yeah, I'm sure you'll, hahaha, have no trouble, hahaha, finding, hahaha, her.

GEORGE

What is going on here!

SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT

(George bursts in, Kramer and Jerry are sitting on the couch.)

GEORGE

You gotta call the cops! You gotta call...someone. Something's going on.

JERRY

What? What happened?

GEORGE

I ran into the bad laughers on the street, on the way to the coffee shop. So I thought maybe they saw Elaine leave, and I'd ask them. Well, I go up to them and we're talking and I tell them what's wrong. So they start laughing, like something's funny. And I say what's so funny? And they say, nothing. I hope you - HAHAHA - find your friend!

JERRY

They hope we - HAHAHA - find our friend. I knew it! I knew they had something to do with it.

GEORGE

And get this. They were talking about the movie. They thought it was a comedy. One of them goes to me, "my favorite part was when the guy from the bank came and took their house. That was HILARIOUS. I was CRYING.

JERRY

Where did you see them?

GEORGE

They were just about to go into the coffee shop.

JERRY

Well, maybe they're still there. Lets go.

KRAMER

I found a hair...on the couch. It's all we have left now...(starts crying)

(George starts rifling through Jerry's kitchen cabinets.)

JERRY

What are you doing?

GEORGE

I'm not going in there naked. Those guys are crazy, they kidnapped Elaine. They might be dangerous. What's with all these salad bowls, don't you have any pots or pans?

JERRY

What about a knife? Wouldn't that be more traditional?

GEORGE

I already looked. You've only got butter knives. What if you want to eat a steak? I've never seen anyone who didn't have a steak knife. What if you want to cut a bagel?

JERRY

I EAT OUT.

GEORGE

Well you've got plates!

JERRY

LETS GO.

GEORGE

(Grabs two sauce pans and hands one to Jerry)

JERRY

We're gonna look like idiots walking down the street with two sauce-pans. Get a bag. It'll look like we just went shopping.

GEORGE

Where are they? I don't see any bags.

JERRY

They're right...Huh. Well, how about this? Elaine left it here last week. I was gonna give it back...

KRAMER

ELAINE!

GEORGE

It's a purse!

JERRY

It's a back-pack.

GEORGE

IT'S A PURSE.

JERRY

Well it's all I have.

GEORGE

Alright. But you're holding it.

JERRY

Why should I hold it? Hey, what's the phone book for?

GEORGE

I'm gonna use it to beat a confession out of them. Cops use phone books 'cause they don't leave bruises.

JERRY

Oh, yeah. Where did you hear that?

GEORGE

Police Academy 3.

KRAMER

(Huddled in the corner by the fridge)

(George and Jerry leave.)

SCENE - STREET

JERRY

What are we gonna do when we see them?

GEORGE

We'll arrest them.

JERRY

A citizen's arrest. What if they run? What if we're in hot pursuit?

GEORGE

They're not gonna run. It's gonna be a good bust.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say, can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford one...that's all I know.

JERRY

You're gonna read them their rights?

GEORGE

I have to. If I don't and they confess, the judge'll throw the whole thing out.

JERRY

Maybe you're getting a little ahead of yourself Officer.

(A woman approaches Jerry.)

MOLLY

Hello! Jerry.

JERRY

Oh, Molly. Hi. George, this is Elaine's friend Molly. Molly, I'm sorry, we're kinda in a rush...

MOLLY

What have you got there? Pots?

GEORGE

We're donating them to a center for the mentally ill. You know (pointing at the sky) satellites. They wear them as hats.

MOLLY

So how are you, Jerry? Elaine tells me you're still doing the comedy thing.

JERRY

Yeah. I'm working hard.

MOLLY

Good. Good.

JERRY

Hey, wait a second. Molly lives in Elaine's building. You haven't seen Elaine recently, like, say, in the last 8-10 hours.

MOLLY

No. Why is everything alright?

JERRY

Yeah, probably. We're just trying to get in touch with her.

MOLLY

You know there was a gas leak on her floor a few days ago and they had to move everyone out. I know Elaine went to stay with her friend Sandy. I don't know if she went back though because they only opened the building yesterday.

JERRY

Sandy? Do you know her number.

MOLLY

Yeah. 555-3453. (To George) You know I might have seen her this morning when I went to get the paper. But I wasn't wearing my glasses, so it could have just been a mop or something.

GEORGE

Well was it like a big mop, or a small mop?

MOLLY

I don't know, just a mop. You know what, it could have been a coat rack.

I'm gonna be late for work guys. Jerry, it was nice seeing you again.

JERRY

You too....(Molly exits) I'm gonna go call Sandy.

(Jerry walks over to a pay phone and dials the number.)

OPERATOR

I'm sorry sir, but that number's long distance. You're gonna have to put in another 75 cents.

JERRY

I've only got a dollar. Do you have seventy-five cents?

GEORGE

No, I've only got twenties. Call collect.

JERRY

Good idea. Operator, can you make it a collect call? It's Jerry Seinfeld calling.

(Phone Rings. Sandy answers.)

OPERATOR

You have a collect call from - Jerry Seinfeld - will you accept the charges?

SANDY

Who?

JERRY

Don't hang up, it's Jerry Seinfeld, El....

SANDY

(Hangs up)

JERRY

She hung up?

GEORGE

How could she hang up?

JERRY

She doesn't know me, we've never met. Who's gonna accept a collect call from a complete stranger?

(Ricky, the kid from the concession stand is walking across the street)

GEORGE

Wait a second, there's the kid from the theater. The one who charged me for the water. He owes me seventy five cents.

JERRY

Go, go. (Motions)

(George runs over to the kid.)

GEORGE

(Extends his hand) Give me seventy five cents.

RICKY

What?

GEORGE

Give me seventy five cents, kid. Now!

RICKY

Help! Help! This guy's mugging me.

GEORGE

What? No, no. I'm not mugging you. You owe me seventy five cents. I'm the guy from the theater. The water-boy. The water-boy!

RICKY

Help!

POLICEMAN

Can I help you sir?

RICKY

This guy was trying to mug me.

GEORGE

He owes me seventy five cents. I've got a missing friend, and I wanted some tap water, and that's not their POLICY!

(Jerry slinks away down the street.)

SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT

NEWMAN

Without Elaine, my life is not worth living.

I want you to do something for me Kramer. In my apartment, there's a mail sack. You'll know which one I'm talking about when you see it. It's the kind we keep children's letters to God in before we haul them down to the furnace. I want you to go and get that sack for me. I've affixed to it the address of a deserted postal station on a glacier in Antarctica. After a peach schnapps to dull my nerves I'll crawl inside, quietly. Then you...take me down to the post office and MAIL ME.

(Door opens and Elaine enters. She rushes up to Kramer and grabs him by the collar, shaking him like a rag-doll. Furniture and other items are tossed around the room as Elaine manhandles Kramer. Newman rises to his feet in ecstacy.)

NEWMAN

SHE'S ALIVE! SHE'S ALIVE

ELAINE

So you think it's funny to leave someone in a movie theater. Well who's laughing now?

(Newman is relieved and overjoyed.)

ELAINE

Where are they? Where are Jerry and George?

(Newman is prancing around the room, before fainting with relief. Kramer tries to speak, but Elaine is choking him.)

KRAMER

They're at shop.

(Kramer passes out. He and Newman lay next to each other on the floor, unconscious. Elaine exits, leaving the door open as she leaves. Moments later, Jerry enters.)

JERRY

What's going on here? Kramer? Newman?

(Laughter can be heard coming from the hall.)

JERRY

The bad laughers.

(A frightened look passes over Jerry's face and he runs out of the apartment.)

SCENE - THE STREET

(George is being handcuffed by the policeman.)

GEORGE

I'm telling you, he stole seventy-five cents from me. Look at him. He's smiling. He knows I'm right. You're not gonna get away with this.

(Elaine walks up behind George.)

ELAINE

George?

GEORGE

Elaine! You're alive.

ELAINE

Of course I'm alive. What's going on here?

GEORGE

Where were you this morning? Jerry called your apartment, we...he was worried sick about you.

ELAINE

I had to go meet that author. You know the one with the dentist story. He called me at 3 A.M. He had a great idea. Instead of going back in time to become a dentist, he'd go into the future. To a society of toothless people. Sort of like Planet of the Apes with teeth instead of monkeys.

(Jerry runs up.)

JERRY

Officer. You've got to help me. It's the bad laughers, they kidnapped my friend, they broke into my apartment and they...Elaine?

ELAINE

Hello.

JERRY

Elaine! Where were you? I've been calling you all day.

(A policeman is pressing George's face against the hood of the squad car so his speech is mumbled)

GEORGE

Manhattan.

JERRY

Well what about Kramer and Newman? What happened to my apartment?

ELAINE

Payback.

JERRY

Didn't you check your messages this morning?

ELAINE

Yeah.

JERRY

I called you like, six times. Why didn't you call me back?

ELAINE

You played a joke on me, I thought I'd play one on you. Who's laughing now?

JERRY

Well that wasn't very funny.

ELAINE

No. It wasn't.

GEORGE

(Still pressed against the hood of the squad car) Not funny at all.

(The bad-laughers walk by and witness the situation.)

ANDY

Hahahaha

DICK

Hahahaha.

The End