Disclaimer: Don't own Harry Potter. And no, I don't actually represent Warner Bros. It may surprise you to learn this, but it is true.
A/N – hmm. Not really a fanfic, but I don't know where else to put it. This is just a little look at all the many, many groups there are within the Harry Potter culture. I certainly haven't included them all, but I think I've covered a fair spectrum.
Oh, and I deliberately did not include the Harry Potter actors' names as I don't mean to be offensive to them personally. Just assume this is a time when they have perhaps a different cast. Anyways – enjoy!
A Warner Bros. Announcement
A bell rings, attracting the attention of the milling crowds. They all gather around a man wearing the Warner Bros. logo on the breast pocket of his corporate suit. standing on a soapbox. He is flanked by two large henchmen who look like they played Crabbe Snr. and Goyle Snr.
WARNER BROS. SPOKESMAN (henceforth known as WBS) (bellowing): Hear ye, hear ye! Due to the fact that each film makes pots of money, Warner Brothers have decided to make an eighth Harry Potter film!
NERD: But there was no eighth book!
J. K. ROWLING LOYALISTS (henceforth known as JKRLs): We know! It's bang out of order!
EVERYONE ELSE: Shhh!
Henchmen crack knuckles sinisterly.
WBS: The cast are being reassembled. Our Harry Potter has agreed to have his Dark-Mark-on-the-face tattoo lasered away and our Snape will have Its gender operation reversed.
SNAPE FANS (whisper): It was the handbag in film 3 that pushed It over the edge.
WBS: As Harry will now be eighteen years old, and since we have no book to work from, Warner Bros. have decided to be daring and make the film an 18, with rampant sex scenes.
EVERYONE WHO HAS ONLY READ THE BOOKS AND NOT THE FANFICTION (henceforth known as BOOKIES): Harry can do that?!
FANFICCERS: Yes! Woot! Let it be Draco!
JKRLs: Blasphemy! Blasphemy!
BOOKIES (choking): They…They…but aren't they…
There is a short pause whilst all the BOOKIES collapse one by one. The henchmen smile the smile of men who find physical distress amusing.
WBS: As we have already demolished the Hogwarts castle at the end of film seven, in our amazing Harry-Voldemort-and a-ton-of-dynamite scene, the new film will be shot in a trailer park, henceforth entitled 'The Trailer Park of Multiple and X-Rated Secrets'.
He pauses whilst the shocked crowd computes this.
WBS: With moving dustbins and a forbidden shrubbery.
More pause. The henchmen survey the crowd keenly, looking for signs of insurrection.
WBS: We have decided not to clean the wash block where we shall film the Azkaban scenes, so that the crap on the floor is real, for authenticity.
NERD: That sounds kind of cheap and… crap…
HARRY POTTER ACTOR WORSHIPERS: Who cares?? It's an 18! We get to base our naked Harry Potter fanart on the real thing!
There is another brief pause as one of the bodyguards strokes his ear. The NERD who was protesting is led away subtly by three men in robes, with Dark Marks on their arms.
WBS: Since Lord Voldemort was vanquished with the Magic Beans of Truth at the end of film seven, he will probably not be making an appearance in this X-rated movie.
HP/LV SHIPPERS: BOOO!
WBS: And since Ron also died at the end of film seven he will not appear in this steamy flick either.
EVERYONE: Hooray!
Ron actor glares from the back of the crowd and plots interesting ways to resurrect himself and bump off his co-stars.
WBS: We have already signed up many cast members, including Jeremy Stuntly, the mutated dwarf who played Dobby in films two, six and seven, and we can confirm that he will have a star role.
There is a stunned silence.
EVERYONE: No! Please no! The pain!
The WBS holds his finger to his earpiece and nods. He is obviously being told something by his evil bosses back at the secret headquarters of WB. Corporate monsters.
WBS (excitedly): Hold on! I have new news! Lord Voldemort may actually be making an appearance in this movie after all, as we are currently considering a flashback love scene between him and Bellatrix Lestrange.
TWISTED PEOPLE: Hooray!
The BOOKIES open their eyes and recover enough to speak faintly.
BOOKIES: And Voldemort does that too??
FANFICCERS: Absolutely! Power to Voldie!
JKRLS: NO! Do not speak that vile word! He is He Who Must Not Be Named! Fall to the ground you worms and unbelievers!
BOOKIES (weakly as they are still a bit behind): Voldie?
FANFICCERS: Look, why don't you shut up and stop drawing attention to your ignorance?
BOOKIES: Sorry.
FANFICCERS: Well, you should be. For your own sakes, find a computer and log on to the internet and read some fanfiction.
JKRLs: Nooo! They are converting the innocent to their evil ways!
WBS (clears throat): So anyway, the film will be released in two years time, as we will have to spend a long time on the CGI computer graphics and enhancements.
TWISTED PEOPLE: Hell yeah!
EVERYONE ELSE: He's talking about the Hippogriffs, you idiots.
WBS: And now I have been asked to warn all of you, but most especially that despicable sect known as the J.K. ROWLING LOYALISTS, that we will not tolerate any violence directed at our cast or our sets.
JKRLs (sharpening pitchforks): Death to they that make a film where there has been no book!
EVERYONE ELSE dance randomly.
WBS (dramatically): Ladies and Gentlemen, the future of Harry Potter is in our hands!
Lightning flashes behind him, evil voice is heard saying 'MWAHAHAHA'. The JKRLs sign suicide pacts and arms themselves with bombs before marching purposefully towards the Trailer Park of Multiple and X-Rated Secrets and the Wash Block labelled 'Azkaban'.
Hehe, I'm so very, very random. So, which group do you fall into? I think I'm mainly EVERYONE ELSE with a touch of TWISTED PEOPLE. Please review now.