Hiya!
Here we go. Thus begins the perilous journey...Buckle your seatbelts and keep all hands and feet inside the storyline, and keep plenty of pixie sticks and butterbeer onhand. Things are gonna get hairy...
Anything you might recognize does not belong to me.
Have fun! Flames are always accepted!
~~The Hogsmeade Fwoopers
Voldemort Goes to Zimbabwe
Part One: The Airport
*Lucius Malfoy and Voldemort are sitting in a Muggle Airport terminal. Both are wearing Muggle clothes (Voldemort is getting stared at left and right for his bad make-up job) and they are obviously about to board a plane. The destination on the computer screen is Harare, Zimbabwe.*
Lucius: So remind me again, Master...Precisely WHY are we going to Zimbabwe?
Voldemort: Silence! You cannot comprehend my ways!
Lucius: Ah. I see.
Voldemort: Right, Commander Bun-Bun?
*Voldemort gestures to an animal carry-on case and proceeds to stick his finger into one of the grates that make up the door. He is bitten almost immediately.*
Voldemort: GOD DMN THAT FSCKING THING...
Lucius: One more question...Why exactly did you bring your pet rabbit as well, even though you KNOW it hates you?
Voldemort: *eyes narrow and several small children scream* BECAUSE I SAID SO.
Lucius: Ah. I see.
Voldemort: And Commander Bun-Bun doesn't hate me.
Lucius: Then why did he bite you?
Voldemort: *look of doom/death*
Lucius: *voice cracks* Oh look! They've begun boarding! *gets up* Get out your ticket, Master.
Voldemort: *blinkblink* Ticket?
Lucius: Yes. The white paper I gave you less than five minutes ago.
Voldemort: Oh, I gave it to Commander Bun-Bun. He needed fresh paper in his cage.
Lucius: ..........................You gave your boarding pass to your pet RABBIT?!?!
Voldemort: *eyes narrow again, causing several adults to scream* Something wrong with that?
Lucius: Well...actually, yes, Master.
Voldemort: YOU DARE DEFY ME?! *gets up and assumes foreboding and evil stance-several people faint*
Lucius: Eep! *cowers* Um...You need your pass to get on the plane, Master.
Voldemort: Do not.
Lucius: Do too-Aw, forget it. *gets in line to board*
Stewardess: Hello, may I have your ticket?
Lucius: Here. *hands over his ticket*
Stewardess: Thank you. Enjoy your flight.
Lucius: Thank you. *boards the plane as fast as he can*
Voldemort: Why, that little...
Stewardess: May I have your ticket?
Voldemort: If you can get it from under Commander Bun-Bun's bum...
Stewardess: What?
Voldemort: My rabbit stole my ticket. Can I board now?
Stewardess: Um...I suppose...but you'll have to be searched.
Voldemort: "Searched"?
Stewardess: Security!
*Voldemort gets hustled off to a secluded room where the incredibly acute airport security proceed to search our favorite Dark Wizard.*
Security Guy #1: *fumbles in Voldemort's coat* Long, wooden stick...
Security Guy #2: *writing* Wood...stick...
SG1: Bottled substance...
SG2: Bottled...substance...
SG1: Rabbit food...
SG2: Rabbit...food...
SG1: World Domination for Dummies...
Voldemort: Hey! Don't lose my place! That's a good book!
SG2: *continues to write*
SG1: Toothpaste, floss, Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans, and...*takes out a pink My Little Pony*...One "Dancing Heart" My Little Pony figurine.
SG2: *stops writing and stares in disgust*
Voldemort: It's Commander Bun-Bun's favorite chew toy! Honest!
SG2: *shakes head in disbelief*
BACK ON THE PLANE
Lucius: I wonder where Voldemort went.
*Voldemort limps down the aisle, obviously suffering from a well-placed wedgie. He lugs Commander Bun-Bun's cage lazily about, clobbering a few passengers on the head.*
Lucius: Have a nice trip?
Voldemort: *slumps into seat* Remind me to curse you later. What are you doing in the window seat?!
Lucius: This is where my ticket told me to go.
Voldemort: It told you to sit there?
Lucius: Yes.
Voldemort: .............Muggles have talking paper. They're more advanced than we thought.
Lucius: *deep sigh*
Voldemort: What?
Lucius: Nothing.
*Plane starts and takes flight.*
Voldemort: That was fun! Let's do that again!
Lucius: NO!
Voice: This is your captain speaking. We'll be arriving in Harare in approximately twelve hours, so sit back, relax, and enjoy your flight.
Voldemort: TWELVE HOURS?!?!?
Lucius: I suggested Apparating, but nooo....You just had to go about it the HARD way, didn't you?
Voldemort: SHUT....UP.
Lucius: That reminds me. You only chose Zimbabwe to dominate because of the name, didn't you?
Voldemort: ..................................................
Lucius: DIDN'T YOU?!?!
Voldemort: YES, I DID!!! OKAY?
Lucius: Okay! Just checking!
Voldemort: Geez...everyone's a critic. But doesn't that sound cool? Zim-BAB-we!
Lucius: *groan*
Voldemort: It's almost musical! Listen- ZIM-bab-WE! ZEEMBABWEE!!! Zimmmm.....baaaaaaaaaaaab......wayyyyy.....
Lucius: Twelve hours of THIS...Someone please shoot me in the head...
Voldemort: That can be arranged.
Lucius: I was being sarcastic.
*Small child pokes Voldemort from behind-Voldemort looks around*
Voldemort: What?
Child: Are we there yet?
Voldemort: No.
Child: Are we there yet?
Voldemort: No.
Twelve hours later...
Child: Are we there yet?
Voldemort: No.
Child: Are we there yet?
Voldemort: No.
Child: Are we there yet?
Voldemort: NO.
Child: Are we there yet?
Voldemort: NO!!!
Child: Are we there yet?
Voldemort: NO!!! FOR THE LAST TIME, NO, WE ARE NOT THERE YET!!!
Child's Mother: How dare you raise your voice to my son! *smacks Voldemort so hard he hits the seat in front of him*
Lucius: *snorts with laughter into his complimentary peanuts and soda* Are you...okay?
Voldemort: Fine...Stupid Muggles...
Voice: This is your captain speaking. We will be shortly landing in Harare, so I'll be turning on the Fasten Seat Belt sign. Thank you for choosing British Airways, and we hope to see you again soon.
Voldemort: Don't count on it...
*Plane lands and Voldemort and Lucius exit*
Lucius: Now what?
Voldemort: We need to...um...
Lucius: Pick up our luggage?
Voldemort: Right.
Lucius: This way.
*The two come to a wall of signs*
Lucius: Um.........
Voldemort: They're all in Swahili, you idiot!
Lucius: Well, we ARE in Zimbabwe...
Voldemort: I thought I commanded you to learn Zimbabwese!
Lucius: "Zimbabwese?"
Voldemort: Um...I mean Swahili.
Lucius: Oh, okay.
Voldemort: I take it you didn't.
Lucius: Ah...no.
Voldemort: Perfect. Simply perfect. *takes out wand and turns Lucius into a ferret*
Lucius: Turn me back NOW!
Voldemort: Hush. *puts Lucius in cage with Commander Bun-Bun: Scratching and rumbling can be heard* Now then...off to the Baggage Claim.
DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN....
~~~End of Chapter One~
Here we go. Thus begins the perilous journey...Buckle your seatbelts and keep all hands and feet inside the storyline, and keep plenty of pixie sticks and butterbeer onhand. Things are gonna get hairy...
Anything you might recognize does not belong to me.
Have fun! Flames are always accepted!
~~The Hogsmeade Fwoopers
Voldemort Goes to Zimbabwe
Part One: The Airport
*Lucius Malfoy and Voldemort are sitting in a Muggle Airport terminal. Both are wearing Muggle clothes (Voldemort is getting stared at left and right for his bad make-up job) and they are obviously about to board a plane. The destination on the computer screen is Harare, Zimbabwe.*
Lucius: So remind me again, Master...Precisely WHY are we going to Zimbabwe?
Voldemort: Silence! You cannot comprehend my ways!
Lucius: Ah. I see.
Voldemort: Right, Commander Bun-Bun?
*Voldemort gestures to an animal carry-on case and proceeds to stick his finger into one of the grates that make up the door. He is bitten almost immediately.*
Voldemort: GOD DMN THAT FSCKING THING...
Lucius: One more question...Why exactly did you bring your pet rabbit as well, even though you KNOW it hates you?
Voldemort: *eyes narrow and several small children scream* BECAUSE I SAID SO.
Lucius: Ah. I see.
Voldemort: And Commander Bun-Bun doesn't hate me.
Lucius: Then why did he bite you?
Voldemort: *look of doom/death*
Lucius: *voice cracks* Oh look! They've begun boarding! *gets up* Get out your ticket, Master.
Voldemort: *blinkblink* Ticket?
Lucius: Yes. The white paper I gave you less than five minutes ago.
Voldemort: Oh, I gave it to Commander Bun-Bun. He needed fresh paper in his cage.
Lucius: ..........................You gave your boarding pass to your pet RABBIT?!?!
Voldemort: *eyes narrow again, causing several adults to scream* Something wrong with that?
Lucius: Well...actually, yes, Master.
Voldemort: YOU DARE DEFY ME?! *gets up and assumes foreboding and evil stance-several people faint*
Lucius: Eep! *cowers* Um...You need your pass to get on the plane, Master.
Voldemort: Do not.
Lucius: Do too-Aw, forget it. *gets in line to board*
Stewardess: Hello, may I have your ticket?
Lucius: Here. *hands over his ticket*
Stewardess: Thank you. Enjoy your flight.
Lucius: Thank you. *boards the plane as fast as he can*
Voldemort: Why, that little...
Stewardess: May I have your ticket?
Voldemort: If you can get it from under Commander Bun-Bun's bum...
Stewardess: What?
Voldemort: My rabbit stole my ticket. Can I board now?
Stewardess: Um...I suppose...but you'll have to be searched.
Voldemort: "Searched"?
Stewardess: Security!
*Voldemort gets hustled off to a secluded room where the incredibly acute airport security proceed to search our favorite Dark Wizard.*
Security Guy #1: *fumbles in Voldemort's coat* Long, wooden stick...
Security Guy #2: *writing* Wood...stick...
SG1: Bottled substance...
SG2: Bottled...substance...
SG1: Rabbit food...
SG2: Rabbit...food...
SG1: World Domination for Dummies...
Voldemort: Hey! Don't lose my place! That's a good book!
SG2: *continues to write*
SG1: Toothpaste, floss, Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans, and...*takes out a pink My Little Pony*...One "Dancing Heart" My Little Pony figurine.
SG2: *stops writing and stares in disgust*
Voldemort: It's Commander Bun-Bun's favorite chew toy! Honest!
SG2: *shakes head in disbelief*
BACK ON THE PLANE
Lucius: I wonder where Voldemort went.
*Voldemort limps down the aisle, obviously suffering from a well-placed wedgie. He lugs Commander Bun-Bun's cage lazily about, clobbering a few passengers on the head.*
Lucius: Have a nice trip?
Voldemort: *slumps into seat* Remind me to curse you later. What are you doing in the window seat?!
Lucius: This is where my ticket told me to go.
Voldemort: It told you to sit there?
Lucius: Yes.
Voldemort: .............Muggles have talking paper. They're more advanced than we thought.
Lucius: *deep sigh*
Voldemort: What?
Lucius: Nothing.
*Plane starts and takes flight.*
Voldemort: That was fun! Let's do that again!
Lucius: NO!
Voice: This is your captain speaking. We'll be arriving in Harare in approximately twelve hours, so sit back, relax, and enjoy your flight.
Voldemort: TWELVE HOURS?!?!?
Lucius: I suggested Apparating, but nooo....You just had to go about it the HARD way, didn't you?
Voldemort: SHUT....UP.
Lucius: That reminds me. You only chose Zimbabwe to dominate because of the name, didn't you?
Voldemort: ..................................................
Lucius: DIDN'T YOU?!?!
Voldemort: YES, I DID!!! OKAY?
Lucius: Okay! Just checking!
Voldemort: Geez...everyone's a critic. But doesn't that sound cool? Zim-BAB-we!
Lucius: *groan*
Voldemort: It's almost musical! Listen- ZIM-bab-WE! ZEEMBABWEE!!! Zimmmm.....baaaaaaaaaaaab......wayyyyy.....
Lucius: Twelve hours of THIS...Someone please shoot me in the head...
Voldemort: That can be arranged.
Lucius: I was being sarcastic.
*Small child pokes Voldemort from behind-Voldemort looks around*
Voldemort: What?
Child: Are we there yet?
Voldemort: No.
Child: Are we there yet?
Voldemort: No.
Twelve hours later...
Child: Are we there yet?
Voldemort: No.
Child: Are we there yet?
Voldemort: No.
Child: Are we there yet?
Voldemort: NO.
Child: Are we there yet?
Voldemort: NO!!!
Child: Are we there yet?
Voldemort: NO!!! FOR THE LAST TIME, NO, WE ARE NOT THERE YET!!!
Child's Mother: How dare you raise your voice to my son! *smacks Voldemort so hard he hits the seat in front of him*
Lucius: *snorts with laughter into his complimentary peanuts and soda* Are you...okay?
Voldemort: Fine...Stupid Muggles...
Voice: This is your captain speaking. We will be shortly landing in Harare, so I'll be turning on the Fasten Seat Belt sign. Thank you for choosing British Airways, and we hope to see you again soon.
Voldemort: Don't count on it...
*Plane lands and Voldemort and Lucius exit*
Lucius: Now what?
Voldemort: We need to...um...
Lucius: Pick up our luggage?
Voldemort: Right.
Lucius: This way.
*The two come to a wall of signs*
Lucius: Um.........
Voldemort: They're all in Swahili, you idiot!
Lucius: Well, we ARE in Zimbabwe...
Voldemort: I thought I commanded you to learn Zimbabwese!
Lucius: "Zimbabwese?"
Voldemort: Um...I mean Swahili.
Lucius: Oh, okay.
Voldemort: I take it you didn't.
Lucius: Ah...no.
Voldemort: Perfect. Simply perfect. *takes out wand and turns Lucius into a ferret*
Lucius: Turn me back NOW!
Voldemort: Hush. *puts Lucius in cage with Commander Bun-Bun: Scratching and rumbling can be heard* Now then...off to the Baggage Claim.
DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN....
~~~End of Chapter One~