This is a creative approach to a subject on which I have been known to rant. Highly improbable story warning. Enjoy or don't. I own next to nothing, nothing of worth.
Crime and Punishment
Legolas was mad, very, very, very mad. However, there are some things that even elven princes cannot combat and this was one of them. "But maybe if I start something...anything!" he thought out loud.
Meanwhile, in Gondor, Aragorn turned away from the palantir feeling sick at heart. "The deviltry of Mordor is awakened and there is little I can do, for it is not my time or my place to do so. But perhaps others have seen this and will know of what I speak..."
"This-is-an-outrage!!" an apoplectic dwarf shouted. "How dare they! I would smite them, if I only I knew how!"
Merry and Pippin looked at each other. "They've gone too far!" Pippin said angrily. "So what will we do about it?" Merry wanted to know. "Hmmm.." Pippin said, getting a look that did not bode well for offenders.
Samwise was not happy to say the least. "How can people think these things, Mr. Frodo? Why? What kind of no good, low down-" Sam ran out of words to express his feelings.
"I know Sam, believe me I know," Frodo said tiredly.
"No, no, no!" Boromir shouted to himself. "For the thousandth time, no! Unfair!" he growled. "If I were alive, I'd show them!"
Gandalf thought and thought. Finally, he had an idea. "Now where did I put that crystal..." he muttered, searching for something. "Ah ha! Here it is. May the Valar bless this mission!"
Suddenly all the members of the Fellowship, past and present, found themselves standing in a green field. Each- after getting over momentary shock of seeing all present and correct- seemed to have something to say.
"Gandalf, how has this happened? What is going on?" Aragorn wanted to know.
"According to the author-" Gandalf began.
"Where?" eight voices demanded to know almost simultaneously, hands went for weapons.
Gandalf laughed. "No, don't worry. This author is on our side- I think. The author tells me that I am to tell you that I am 'suspending reality with the help of benevolent supernatural intervention that wishes to aid your plight'. Therefore, all rules of time cease, as you can see, since we are all here and whole." The Fellowship saw that this made reasonable sense. "It has come to my knowledge that you all feel greatly offended in one way or another by some people passing themselves off as authors who throw you into situations that I am quite certain you would not have chosen to get into."
"So what are we going to do?" Boromir wanted to know.
"I was thinking we could start a petition, " Legolas suggested. "I understand we have some real fans who respect us as we are and maybe if we got enough signatures-"
"Let's boobytrap their houses!" Pippin shouted.
"We don't know where they live," Merry pointed out, quite sensibly.
"Oh, what I wouldn't give just to tell them what I think!"
"My ax is ready," Gimli said eagerly.
Gandalf laughed again. He was in a very good mood. "Here is what I propose. We bring in the offending authors and you may do with them what you will- only no killing. Most of these people are misguided and do not really understand your feelings about all this. If you let them live, they might write nice things later. Agreed?"
A few nods, a few frowns. "I suppose that will have to do. Are you ready?" Everyone apparently was. Suddenly, a lot of authors of various ages, genders, and occupations were in the green field. A few looked surprised and a few looked very happy.
"All right, who here has written slash about me?" Legolas demanded to know. Some authors raised their hands. Legolas gave them a half-hour lecture on the value of FRIENDSHIP and then used them for archery tricks, giving some premature gray hairs. "What about a Mary Sue who falls in love with me?" The authors started to sweat.
"It's not fair!"
"The movie made us!"
"How were we to know?"
"We never read the book!"
"WHAT??" Legolas handed each author a copy of FOTR- in Sanskrit.
"But I don't know how to rea-"
"Then you'll just have to translate, won't you?" Legolas said, grinning wickedly, because he knew they'd have to do just that.
Meanwhile Aragorn had other authors writing: "I will never, ever write slash about Aragorn, son of Arathorn, Wielder of the Sword that was Broken, Heir of Isildur, Elessar, the Elfstone again." a hundred times and then eat several rather nasty herbs with horseradish and Tabasco sauce.
Pippin and Merry had an author each and made them give them piggyback rides around and around the field, especially through the marshy parts.
Gandalf turned his authors into frogs and they ate flies. Then he turned them into snakes. "There, perhaps that will teach you to trifle with a Maia!"
Boromir was less creative and was simply beating up his authors. "That's for having me fall in love with Aragorn! And that's for having me fall in love with Legolas! And that's for having me fall in love with both of them at the same time you accursed-" Boromir could not think of a word bad enough. "You accursed sons of orcs!"
Sam had his authors spreading manure for a garden. Frodo had his recite everything they could remember from the books and if they got stuck he hit their shins with the walking stick from Ithilien. Hard.
Gimli had his authors take up mining in the dark and cheerily talked about cave-ins, poisonous gases and similar disasters. If any showed signs of stopping, he pulled out his ax and remarked that it had not been in use for too long. He had decided to not let them out until they struck mithril.
Finally, the sun was beginning to set over the field that had seen such improbable activity. Gandalf called the Fellowship and their authors back to the center of the field. "Well, I hope you have learned your lessons," he said sternly to the dejected and bedraggled looking authors. Some nods. "And I hope you feel you honor slightly avenged?" he said, turning to the Fellowship. Some happy grins, some nods. "Good. Well then, I suppose all things must draw to a close." There was a flash of light and all the authors were back where they had been previously- hopefully a little wiser for their trip. Another flash and a cloaked figure appeared in the field. "I trust all went well?" the figure asked Gandalf.
"Very well indeed," Gandalf beamed.
"Good," the cloaked figure sighed. "Well, until later, friends."
Two more quick flashes and the figure was gone and the Fellowship was back where each had been.
THE END
Crime and Punishment
Legolas was mad, very, very, very mad. However, there are some things that even elven princes cannot combat and this was one of them. "But maybe if I start something...anything!" he thought out loud.
Meanwhile, in Gondor, Aragorn turned away from the palantir feeling sick at heart. "The deviltry of Mordor is awakened and there is little I can do, for it is not my time or my place to do so. But perhaps others have seen this and will know of what I speak..."
"This-is-an-outrage!!" an apoplectic dwarf shouted. "How dare they! I would smite them, if I only I knew how!"
Merry and Pippin looked at each other. "They've gone too far!" Pippin said angrily. "So what will we do about it?" Merry wanted to know. "Hmmm.." Pippin said, getting a look that did not bode well for offenders.
Samwise was not happy to say the least. "How can people think these things, Mr. Frodo? Why? What kind of no good, low down-" Sam ran out of words to express his feelings.
"I know Sam, believe me I know," Frodo said tiredly.
"No, no, no!" Boromir shouted to himself. "For the thousandth time, no! Unfair!" he growled. "If I were alive, I'd show them!"
Gandalf thought and thought. Finally, he had an idea. "Now where did I put that crystal..." he muttered, searching for something. "Ah ha! Here it is. May the Valar bless this mission!"
Suddenly all the members of the Fellowship, past and present, found themselves standing in a green field. Each- after getting over momentary shock of seeing all present and correct- seemed to have something to say.
"Gandalf, how has this happened? What is going on?" Aragorn wanted to know.
"According to the author-" Gandalf began.
"Where?" eight voices demanded to know almost simultaneously, hands went for weapons.
Gandalf laughed. "No, don't worry. This author is on our side- I think. The author tells me that I am to tell you that I am 'suspending reality with the help of benevolent supernatural intervention that wishes to aid your plight'. Therefore, all rules of time cease, as you can see, since we are all here and whole." The Fellowship saw that this made reasonable sense. "It has come to my knowledge that you all feel greatly offended in one way or another by some people passing themselves off as authors who throw you into situations that I am quite certain you would not have chosen to get into."
"So what are we going to do?" Boromir wanted to know.
"I was thinking we could start a petition, " Legolas suggested. "I understand we have some real fans who respect us as we are and maybe if we got enough signatures-"
"Let's boobytrap their houses!" Pippin shouted.
"We don't know where they live," Merry pointed out, quite sensibly.
"Oh, what I wouldn't give just to tell them what I think!"
"My ax is ready," Gimli said eagerly.
Gandalf laughed again. He was in a very good mood. "Here is what I propose. We bring in the offending authors and you may do with them what you will- only no killing. Most of these people are misguided and do not really understand your feelings about all this. If you let them live, they might write nice things later. Agreed?"
A few nods, a few frowns. "I suppose that will have to do. Are you ready?" Everyone apparently was. Suddenly, a lot of authors of various ages, genders, and occupations were in the green field. A few looked surprised and a few looked very happy.
"All right, who here has written slash about me?" Legolas demanded to know. Some authors raised their hands. Legolas gave them a half-hour lecture on the value of FRIENDSHIP and then used them for archery tricks, giving some premature gray hairs. "What about a Mary Sue who falls in love with me?" The authors started to sweat.
"It's not fair!"
"The movie made us!"
"How were we to know?"
"We never read the book!"
"WHAT??" Legolas handed each author a copy of FOTR- in Sanskrit.
"But I don't know how to rea-"
"Then you'll just have to translate, won't you?" Legolas said, grinning wickedly, because he knew they'd have to do just that.
Meanwhile Aragorn had other authors writing: "I will never, ever write slash about Aragorn, son of Arathorn, Wielder of the Sword that was Broken, Heir of Isildur, Elessar, the Elfstone again." a hundred times and then eat several rather nasty herbs with horseradish and Tabasco sauce.
Pippin and Merry had an author each and made them give them piggyback rides around and around the field, especially through the marshy parts.
Gandalf turned his authors into frogs and they ate flies. Then he turned them into snakes. "There, perhaps that will teach you to trifle with a Maia!"
Boromir was less creative and was simply beating up his authors. "That's for having me fall in love with Aragorn! And that's for having me fall in love with Legolas! And that's for having me fall in love with both of them at the same time you accursed-" Boromir could not think of a word bad enough. "You accursed sons of orcs!"
Sam had his authors spreading manure for a garden. Frodo had his recite everything they could remember from the books and if they got stuck he hit their shins with the walking stick from Ithilien. Hard.
Gimli had his authors take up mining in the dark and cheerily talked about cave-ins, poisonous gases and similar disasters. If any showed signs of stopping, he pulled out his ax and remarked that it had not been in use for too long. He had decided to not let them out until they struck mithril.
Finally, the sun was beginning to set over the field that had seen such improbable activity. Gandalf called the Fellowship and their authors back to the center of the field. "Well, I hope you have learned your lessons," he said sternly to the dejected and bedraggled looking authors. Some nods. "And I hope you feel you honor slightly avenged?" he said, turning to the Fellowship. Some happy grins, some nods. "Good. Well then, I suppose all things must draw to a close." There was a flash of light and all the authors were back where they had been previously- hopefully a little wiser for their trip. Another flash and a cloaked figure appeared in the field. "I trust all went well?" the figure asked Gandalf.
"Very well indeed," Gandalf beamed.
"Good," the cloaked figure sighed. "Well, until later, friends."
Two more quick flashes and the figure was gone and the Fellowship was back where each had been.
THE END