Disclaimer: I own nothing.

The scene opens on Sam's kitchen. There are no dishes, ingredients, or utensils anywhere. Sam is standing to the right of the screen. Gollum/Smeagol is perched on the table. Rosie is standing to the left of the screen, smiling.

"Hello!" Sam smiles and looks into the camera. "Today, we have a special episode for you, despite the fact this is the second episode of 'Cooking With Sam Gamgee,' but who cares?" Gollum hisses and spits.

"Nobody. Hello! I am precious, and precious is me! Gollum, gollum." Sam glares at Gollum.

"So now you steal Gandalf's line, huh?" Sam asks.

"Now, now you two. Tell the audience why this is a special episode." Rosie interrupts. Gollum turns around the kitchen, looking for more people. Seeing only the camera people and the two hobbits, he shrugs and turns away.

"Look into the camera!" Sam demands. Gollum walks up to the camera, peers in, and smashes the camera.

The screen goes fuzzy. A commercial for Morgul blades comes on. Then it switches back to "Cooking With Sam Gamgee".

"Hello again!" Sam grimaces. "Sorry about that. But the real reason for this special episode is that Gollum-"

"Smeagol." The said person interrupts. "Smeagol. Say it with me. Smee. Goal. Smee. Goal. Smee-"

"Alright, alright! Smeagol."

"Better."

"Smeagol is going to teach us how to make something. What are you making again?"

Smeagol holds up a fish. "Feesh. No cooking. Just eat." He bites into the raw fish, bits and water spewing out of his mouth. Rosie gags.

"Really, Sam. You knew this was going to happen!"

Sam sighs. "Mr. Frodo was asking me to help him. I tried. With fried fish. He's 'opeless." Rosie puts a hand on his shoulder. Suddenly, Smeagol dashes out the door. The camera crew follows him, shouting.

"Get back here! You're supposed to stay in the house!" Smeagol ignores them and keeps running. At the pond in the middle of Hobbiton, he plunges into the water and comes up with two fish.

"Feesh!" he screeches. He turns to the cameras. "This is how you catch and eat food. Fish."

Note: This was pure fluff written out of boredom.