Disclaimer: The show and its characters do not belong to me. Some of the words have been borrowed for the sake of the story. Their impact and importance warranted for the scene recreated from Knockout. (an AU version of the episode)
Always, You
Glancing at the name and photo on his caller ID, he answered the phone, his heart in his throat. He'd asked… No, begged her to come home to the loft with him. Of course, she'd said no. Perhaps, she'd changed her mind and was calling from his lobby. "Beckett?"
"Hey, Castle. Um… Did I wake you?"
Shaking his head, he realized belatedly she couldn't see him. Running a hand through his hair, he answered softly, "No. Not sure I'll sleep at all tonight. Y'know?"
Kate nodded. She'd considered going into the precinct. Thought better of it. She was nowhere close to being ready to walk back into the 12thknowing her mentor would never step foot inside again. She barely contained the sob that threatened to escape and prayed he hadn't heard that momentary loss of control.
"Kate? You still there?" He'd heard her sudden intake of air and knew she was barely holding it together. Rick resolved to wait her out. Knew she needed time before letting him in. He'd pushed his way in and reopened her mother's case against her wishes. That almost cost him her friendship, their partnership. He didn't dare do that now. Could not – no, would not risk losing the woman he'd come to love.
"Yeah. I'm here." She smiled, sadly. Her unconventional, fearless partner in crime. Always looking out for her. God, Castle! Please, let him survive this. She knew he cared for her. She cared for him too and that's why she had to do this. He'd attend the funeral, of course. She couldn't take that small measure of closure away from him. Nor did she want to cast any shadows over Roy's passing by asking him to stay away. That would be unfair to everyone involved, including Evelyn and the girls. Castle was part of their 12thPrecinct family. Her partner. One of Roy's. "Castle. I just… I wanted to thank you. For having my back. I just… I didn't want you to think I was mad at you. You were simply doing what was asked of you."
He closed his eyes against the tears that threatened to fall. He'd been afraid of what this would do to them ever since he got the call from Captain Montgomery. Was scared when he'd literally carried Beckett kicking and screaming out of that hangar. "I'm sorry, Kate. I'm sorry we were placed in that situation, not sorry for having your back." He sighed. There was nothing eloquent about his response. "I'm glad you're not mad."
She smiled. At least, when the time came for her to do what needed to be done, he'd know she wasn't mad at him. Hopefully, hopefully, that would make things easier. She squeezed her eyes shut against the harsh reality she was trying to deny herself. Nothing she could say would make this better. And yet, it had to be done. "Hey." The words came soft, like a caress. She was tired. So very tired, but she had to do this now before she lost her nerve. She knew he'd remind her if she made a point to tell him about it now. "Castle, after we get through the next couple days. After we say g-... ah, after the service, I'd like for you and I to talk. Okay?"
He nodded again, hopeful. "Uh, yeah. Sure."
"Okay. Night, Castle. Try to get some rest, m'kay?"
"You, too. Nite, Kate."
As they carried Roy's flag covered casket over the lush green lawn of the cemetery, Castle's thoughts drifted. They'd convened at Beckett's loft earlier that morning at her behest and made a pact, the four of them. No one else would ever learn of Captain Montgomery's misdeeds. Having offered her forgiveness to Roy the night he was killed, Kate insisted his reputation forever remain untarnished. His friends and family would suffer enough with his loss; they didn't need the media turning them into pariahs.
From his position at the back of the line, he watched the rigid line of Beckett's stance in her NYPD issued uniform. Watched sorrowfully as they lowered the casket to the ground, as Esposito gave the final command, and the red, white, and blue flag was folded, only to be presented to Montgomery's distraught widow. Castle wished there was something he could do or say that would turn back the clock. Kate said she wasn't mad at him for hiding her from Lockwood and his men. What he noticed she hadn't said was that she didn't blame him for reopening her mother's case, putting them on the Dragon's radar. Would Kate be here, walking toward that podium to say goodbye to her boss, her mentor, were it not for his meddling? He couldn't say for certain and that is what bothered him the most. His eyes followed Beckett's every move, saw the subtle shift in the set of her shoulders, the press of her lips as she steeled herself in preparation for the eulogy. She looked so young and vulnerable standing there and it pained him. He vowed in that moment that he would do whatever it took to protect her, keep her safe, and earn her forgiveness.
Gathering her strength, Kate looked out over the crowd of mourners. She swallowed the sob that threatened as she watched Evelyn bend and break, the flag in her hands a vivid reminder of his oath to serve and protect at the expense of his own life. Kate ran her tongue over her bottom lip in lieu of pulling the tender flesh between her teeth, biting down until she pierced the skin. That would come later, alone in her apartment, when she'd tired of crying. "Roy Montgomery taught me what it meant to be a cop. He taught me that we are bound by our choices, but we are more than our mistakes. Captain Montgomery once said to me that for us there is no victory, there are only battles. And, in the end, the best you can hope for is to find a place to make your stand. And if you're very lucky, you find someone willing to stand with you." She paused here, could feel his eyes on her face, trying to read her. To make sense of what she was saying. We kiss and then we never talk about it. We nearly die, frozen in each other's arms, and we never talk about it. She didn't want to look at him, didn't want to see the question in his eyes. She didn't want to make false promises. Not to him. Never to him. He deserved so much more than she could offer. He deserved someone uncomplicated. And yet, her eyes, her heart betrayed her. She saw in his gaze a mixture of confusion, hope, and determination. A promise that he would be the one willing to stand with her. Always, her. Turning her attention away from him, she continued. "Our Captain would want us to carry on the fight. And even if there is…." And then, he was yelling her name. Kate felt the impact as it ripped through her. She nearly doubled over, but he was there tackling her to the ground. Too late. Thankfully, it was too late. Castle hadn't been shot. She heard her name, perhaps from Esposito and Ryan, and sounds of panic as it stole through the crowd. The grass beneath her and above, a sky so blue it felt like she was getting lost in Castle's eyes. And then, his eyes were there staring into hers as he lifted her head, cradling her neck. The excruciating pain frightened her. She was having trouble breathing and yet she tried to raise her gloved hand to caress his face one last time, but her hand – her arm would not cooperate. Damn it.
"Kate…shh. Kate, please. Stay with me, Kate. Don't leave me, please. Stay with me, okay? Kate… I love you. I love you, Kate." She tried to keep her eyes open, to get her mouth to cooperate. Her plucky sidekick, her class clown had finally stepped up and now it was too late. She wanted to thank him for being so patient with her, for loving her despite everything, and for bringing so much joy into her life. She wanted to say it back. To see his eyes alight with happiness, not shining because of unshed tears. Kate wanted the opportunity to see if they could make it work. As a couple. To maybe, just maybe, fall in love for a lifetime.
He listened as she spoke so eloquently. His brave, fearless partner. He heard her mention victories and battles. Then, she was talking about making a stand and having someone willing to stand…with her? Was she referring to him? Didn't she know by now that she could count on him? He tried to identify that look in her eyes when they sought out his face. He thought, hoped that what was reflected in the depths of her hazel eyes was confirmation, a promise. A promise that she would stand with him and confirmation that she knew he would stand with her. But was it enough? He wanted a chance. He wanted to love her. If she'd let him. And suddenly, he recalled the phone call from the other night. They were supposed to talk. Were they finally going to discuss what they were? Before he could allow his imagination to traverse that slippery slope, he saw a flash of something. It was like a mirror reflecting sunlight directly into his eyes. There it was again. It was reflecting off of… a tombstone? No. No! His brain was quickly processing, sorting, and identifying the culprit. And then, it clicked. He yelled her name, "Kate!" as he rushed to get to her. He tried to put his body between hers and the bullet from the sniper hidden at the bottom of the hill. He was her partner; he needed to protect her. Castle heard her gasp as her body stiffened in response to the bullet entering her body. He pushed her to the ground and saw the fear, the panic, in her eyes. He'd hoped to shield her from that. He was too late. She wasn't supposed to be lying there on a carpet of green. He saw the blood on her glove and her chest. God, her chest. It was too close to her heart. Kate tried to open her mouth, to find some way to communicate to him all the things she needed to say but couldn't. She was fading, unable to breathe, and he needed her to stay. He didn't think he could survive losing her. She was everything he'd ever wanted but hadn't dared to dream of. But she wasn't his…yet. And so, he decided to take a leap of faith. She had to know. He needed her to know he wanted to be more than just her friend. He would give her his love, his strength, his hope, everything he had if only it would see her through. "Kate…shh. Kate, please. Stay with me, Kate. Don't leave me, please. Stay with me, okay? Kate… I love you. I love you, Kate." He held her head cradled in his hand, saw her eyes widen as they roamed over his face. He saw the sudden recognition, the clarity in their depths as his words penetrated, overshadowing the pain and fear. Castle saw the lone tear escape and roll down her face as her eyes closed a final time.
He rode in the back of the ambulance with Lanie and the paramedic. Castle silently prayed and pleaded as he held tightly to her hand while they worked on her. Watched fearfully as she crashed and they lost her only to bring her back just to lose her again. They got her heart to cooperate long enough to get her through the emergency doors and then they were rushing down the hallway. Hospital staff were providing diagnosis and vital info and calling out instructions as they rushed her toward surgery. Suddenly, Kate was gone and he was alone with Lanie, who was just as broken as he was.