A/N: I thought of this idea and simply HAD to write it. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: One Piece and all its characters belong to Eiichiro Oda.
Rated: T (For sexual themes)
A Most Confusing Circumstance
"How long is Zoro going to be in the damn shower?"
The questioning scream rang out through the Thousand Sunny stopping the usually activities. If Nami was pissed off, it would take the whole crew to calm her down. Gathering onto the deck slowly where Nami was currently standing, tapping her foot angrily, the crew kept their heads down in fear that she would rip them apart as soon as their eyes met hers.
"Seriously! He's been in there for forty minutes!" The navigator concluded, shaking her fists wildly into the air. Nami had never been one to care about the activities of the crew's swordsman, usually because he was either sleeping or training anyway, but he was now cutting into her bath time, and she'd be damned if he wasn't going to pay for it.
"I'll go in their personally and kick his ass, Nami-san!" Sanji spun over to her, determined to do whatever she bid him do.
"So he's taking a long shower. What's the problem with that? You take longer than that all the time," Luffy interjected, annoyed that he had to stop playing tag with Usopp and Chopper just for this.
"I'm a girl. I am allowed to take a long shower," Nami raged on, smashing Luffy's face into the railing, "And, besides, the man's got, like, no hair!"
"Maybe he's shaving his legs," Usopp added. But when the crew gave him a strange look, he waved his hands defensively and claimed, "I'm just throwin' it out there!"
"Well, maybe he's … um … you know," Franky suggested, wiggling his eyebrows a little.
"What? What could he possibly be doing that he couldn't do on deck?" Nami, becoming angrier by the minute, asked grabbing Franky's shirt and shaking him.
"You know," Franky continued, not wanting to openly say it, "He's, well … you know." If Franky thought the crew was going to get his hint just by emphasizing the words "you know," he was
sadly mistaken. Frustrated, Franky did a slight up-and-down movement with his fist. "You get it?"
"Oh my," Robin laughed, "I don't know about that."
"What? What don't you know about?" Luffy asked, thoroughly confused. Looking back to Franky's hand movements, he ventured, "Is he shaking something?"
"No!" Franky barked, hating Luffy's ignorance, "He's …," Franky moved his fist up and down quicker, "Eh? You get it?"
"Not in the slightest."
"That stupid marimo would use up my precious Nami-san's time doing … that," Sanji butt in, smashing his cigarette on the ground violently.
"Eww, guys," Nami interrupted, folding her arms over her chest, "You don't really think Zoro's doing that right now, do you?"
Zoro sighed contently as the white liquid spread slowly over his hand. He had already done this once today, but what was the harm in doing it a second time?
Not caring about his other obligations at the moment, Zoro began to move his hand quickly; immensely enjoying the sensation.
"Now hold on, guys," Usopp cut in, "We don't know what Zoro is doing for sure."
"What? I don't get it. Is he sick?" Chopper asked, shifting around on his chair, eagerly awaiting some kind of clarification.
The crew had moved into the galley. Nami had lashed out at Zoro being in the shower for another ten minutes, and she had begun to storm off to the shower herself to give Zoro a piece of her mind and rip him a new one in the process. Fortunately for the unsuspecting swordsman, Franky and Chopper had grabbed her before she had a chance to and took her into the galley quickly. And to make sure she wasn't going anywhere, Franky was standing guard at the exit.
"No, Chopper," Nami fumed, "He's just being a guy. And, in being guy, he thinks with his dick."
"Hey!" Luffy protested, slamming his fists into the table, "I have no idea what you're talking about!"
The crew, minus Chopper, looked at Luffy sadly.
"Well, c'mon, Luffy," Usopp began, trying to make him understand, "Don't you ever have the urge to take care of something?"
"Oh sure," Luffy responded, nodding his head, "But then I just ask Sanji for something, and I'm as good as new!"
"He's not talking about food, idiot," Sanji sighed, crossing his legs, "He's talking about a different kind of urge."
"Oh," Luffy slumped, crossing his arms on the table, "Never mind then."
"You're so hopeless," Usopp murmured, sincerely not wanting to explain the situation.
"I'll just go find out for myself!" Luffy proclaimed, walking for the door.
"You can't just interrupt something like that!!" Franky roared, grabbing Luffy's shoulders tightly.
"Well, maybe if someone told me what he was doing in there, I wouldn't have to go see for myself."
"He's playing with Mini-Zoro," Sanji offered, trying to make Luffy understand and preventing Franky from venting too violently on the captain.
"Mini-Zoro?"
"That's a terrible analogy," Nami cringed, glaring at Sanji. "Luffy. Don't you ever play with yourself?"
"Yeah!" Luffy laughed, wrenching himself free of Franky, "Like this one time, I was really bored, so I made a jump rope with my arm!"
Nami slumped back in her chair, defeated, "Oi, nevermind."
"Come here, Captain," Robin piped in, calling Luffy over with a finger, "I'll explain the situation to you."
The white liquid mixed with the water and traveled down Zoro's thighs and legs to his feet. Letting the water wash away all the evidence, Zoro breathed heavily; he let his hands rest at his sides and decided he'd stay in just a bit longer.
"Ewwww!!" Luffy jumped back suddenly, smashing into the unsuspecting Usopp who was trying to her whatever Robin had been whispering to him, "That's gross!!"
"Robin? What did you say?" Nami asked, surprised at Luffy's reaction.
"I just told him in terms he'd understand," Robin answered vaguely, smiling.
"Well, now that he gets it …," Franky drifted off, thankful that everyone seemed to be content with what Zoro happened to be doing in the shower.
"I still don't get it!" Chopper cried, tugging on Robin's pant leg, "What's he doing?"
"He's making white stuff come out of his wing-wang by thinking about boobs!" Luffy interjected before Robin could speak, silencing the whole crew indefinitely.
"Aw, man," Usopp yelled, covering his now reddening face, "Why do you gotta say these things so bluntly, Luffy?!"
"Is that how you explained it to him, Robin?!" Nami questioned, horrified.
"I tried my best," Robin simply chuckled, shrugging her shoulders.
"Wa-wait!" Sanji interrupted, trying to calm everyone down, "Maybe he's really not jacking off in there!"
"Yeah!" Franky added abruptly, "Maybe he's dead!"
"What?! Oh my God!!" Chopper cried grabbing his hat, "Zoro's dead?!"
"I'm gonna go find out!" Luffy proclaimed, jumping up from his chair and making a beeline for the shower.
"No, Luffy, you idiot!" Nami screamed, following him, "You don't want to see that! And besides, he'd kill you!!"
The whole crew followed in hot pursuit of their captain, pleading with him to not go in the bathroom.
Zoro stepped out of the shower and wrapped his towel tightly around his waist. He thought about how he normally didn't take multiple showers in a day, but … he just loved the feeling of a good shampooing.
Getting ready to step out the door, the sudden intrusion of pounding feet met his ears and he leapt back away.
The seven remaining crew members went smashing through the door, all landing on each other pitifully on the cold, bathroom floor. Moaning irritably, they all shifted around, trying to get someone to stop shoving their knee in their side or preventing another from sticking their foot in their back.
A loud clearing of a throat from above made the squirming nakama halt in their actions and look up at a clearly confused Zoro.
Hands folded over his chest, Zoro couldn't do anything but stare at his strange crew mates. Arching an eyebrow and waiting for a response, Zoro cleared his throat a final time before the crew made any move to explain themselves.
All talking at the same time, Zoro saw fingers point in blame, shoulders shrug in defeat, punches thrown, and tears being shed. Then, all at once, the seven members laughed sheepishly and Luffy said, "Hey there, Zoro!"
"Freaks."
Zoro stepped over the mass and made his way into the men's bunkroom to get dressed for the remainder of the day.
The End
A/N: I know, I know. It was silly and pointless, but it just came to me! So, I know I should be working on my other stories, but I hope you enjoyed it all the same! Reviews are greatly appreciated, and thanks for reading!