What Have I Missed
I stare out the window of the small apartment I now live by myself even though my friends told me I didn't have to, but I needed time to think through what has happened in the time since. It was late but i found myself unable to sleep like many nights in the recent month It was like my mind just didn't want to shut off. It wouldn't let me until I dealt with my issues. So I took a seat by the nearby window and cast a spell that i had learned that let myself fully process my thoughts. Knowing the biggest problem would be that I would slowly be stuck in the trance unable to do anything. I just hope it wouldn't take long.
'The war was over everything that I fought so hard against had come to an end. But why do I feel so incomplete? Why do I feel so lost? I should be happy it was over, happy that my friends have found happiness, and happy that I had found a girl that loved me. The sad truth was I just wasn't happy'.
"Damn, Ginny why did I push you away?" I softly said stopping my thoughts for a moment before they continued.
'In truth my life had been so messed up for so long that I could never focus on myself, on what I really wanted and I think that's my problem now. It's been almost a year now, since I got my life back and now I'm starting to realize what I really want in my life and the thought of it scares me. It started to make me think in a way that I never thought I could and brought out feelings that I must of denied and still wanted to, to this day'.
'It just scared me because it wasn't true, it just wasn't and it's unfair of my mind and body to think otherwise, but then there was, Cedric.
"No, Cedric was just a friend, a good person I never thought that way of him!" I cried out trying to end the thoughts right then and there. But the thoughts just kept coming and I knew that there was no longer a way for me to fight it off much longer.
'He was different very different than anyone I had ever met and that's why I was attracted to him in a way that was more than just friendship. He was very attractive, I admit that but it was because all the girls wanted him it was all I ever heard when he was around. To be honest I found myself on more than one occasion taking glances when he wasn't looking. But it was normal wasn't it?'
I force myself out of my thoughts once again. "It's not true none of it! I didn't have a crush on him! I didn't!" I yelled trying to get a response back from the nearly empty room I was in. I wanted this spell to end but it was no use my thoughts brought me back into the trance.
'To say Cedric was the only one would also be a lie, even before he came along i found myself secretly attracted to a one other person someone that I knew was wrong from the get go, so I hid it deep like I would with every boy that I found myself attracted to. Still his blond hair followed me into my dream's more than once'
"No! I'm not like that I've never been like that I felt nothing for Draco nothing but hate-" Before I had a chance to finish I was pulled back into my mind. The spell wasn't going to let me fight it anymore; I knew I had to let it run its course even if it breaks me down.
'It began to hurt, to hide the truth of who I really truly was but then came the war and I was able to pretend that I was the same as all the other boys. It was easy and it was perfect my feelings for Cedric had just dropped away and so did Draco. But even then there was still one guy that I couldn't just forget about. He was more important than anyone of my so called crushes and he remained at the fore front of my heart as the years went by.'
I had tears forming in my eye's now I knew that it wouldn't be much longer before I broke down completely, There was no choice I had to hear it all of it. I couldn't interrupt it again.
'When I met him I was surprised by his level of kindness it was something I had almost never gotten from someone of my own age. But he was so different and that was a good thing, a great thing. It was then that I started to get those feelings, feelings that I shouldn't have, it was wrong he was my friend but so much of me didn't care. They had poisoned me on this part of myself; they had poised me on all of it.'
'My aunt and uncle had seen it when I was much younger and they joked about it and taunted me about it. It started before I had any idea what 'gay' meant, so when I got old enough to know I denied it, I had to prove them wrong. They needed to be wrong just like everything else when it came to me being me. I couldn't let them 'win' in anyway.'
'Ron, he changed all of that. I knew then that they had won.'
'I knew that, but I knew as long as I forced myself to deny it they would never have their victory over me. No matter how much it hurt I had to lock it all away. I had to force myself to watch and be happy as the boy I cared about became the man that I fell in love with fall in love with the girl I thought of as my own sister. Then I pushed myself to grab onto the closest thing I could get to him. I knew that it was wrong, but it wasn't like Ginny didn't want me, so it wasn't that bad right?'
'Yes, the Dursley's hadn't won and all I got out of it was nothing but pain and loneliness, was it really worth it? Worth all my heartache? Every bit of my suffering?'
'I have to stop denying it I have to if I want my loneliness to end. So I can get back everyone I cared about. All I have to say are those 2 words; they have to be said for my own good.'
The trance had ended and I couldn't stop myself from completely braking down onto the floor and in one quick moment I said the very words that I had been denying for years.
"I'm gay" Right before I fell into unconscious.
I awoke feeling awful; my head felt like it was hit by a truck. I then noticed that I was in my bed which didn't make a bit of sense, I knew that I had falling to the floor. That was when I realized that I wasn't alone, I saw Ron standing by my bedroom window having a smoke. I also noticed then it was morning. Ron, looked like he was staring at something a hundred miles away.
'When did he get here I wondered?' I thought silently unsure of what I could say.
I tried my best to move silently in my bed so he wouldn't hear me. I wasn't ready to explain myself, I knew he must have been upset when he came in to find me collapsed on the floor.
"So your awake now, I'm glad for that" Ron said standing in the same position not looking at me.
I knew that I had hurt him in a lot of way's in the recent month's but he had never been this cold towards me. I was very unsure as to what to say. But I knew I needed to say something.
"I'm sorry that you had to find me that way, I never figured that you'd come after everything that had happened" I managed to say softly looking down at my blanketed lap.
"Everything that has happened doesn't mean I still don't care Harry, we've been through too much for me to stop caring about you. You're like a brother to me and no matter what I'm still going to care. I came over so we could talk so that maybe I can understand what's been bugging you" Ron Stated no longer by the window but at my bed side.
I didn't say anything and I couldn't bear to look at him.
"When I walked in here and found you on the floor like I did it scared the hell out of me, I had thought that you had killed yourself or something" Ron stated this time his voice had become shaky as he finished the sentence.
"What would make you think I would kill myself!?" I shouted looking at him with tearing eyes.
"How could I not!? Ever since the war ended you've become this completely different person! You pushed Hermione and Me to the side and then you did the same to my family as well as my sister! Every time I tried to get an answer from you, you would just shut yourself off! So of course I just thought you killed yourself!" Ron yelled back at me.
"I never meant to push any of you away your all that I have left, but I just never wanted to burden any of you with my problems again not after everything. You were all happy and moving on, I just figured that I had to do this on my own" I softly spoke do my best not to cry.
Ron took one of my hands into his and looked at me with pleading eyes. "When I found that you were okay, I placed you in bed and just waited. It did hurt Harry, I knew then more than ever that I needed you to tell me what's wrong, so I don't ever have to see you like that again. So please just tell me" He pleaded.
I simply nodded and took a deep breath before I began.
"I've been fighting with myself over what I wanted out of my life. For a long time I really didn't have to deal with it, there was the war and I never had to face certain facts about myself. I could just lie and be okay with it. But when the war ended I found myself unable to lie without hurting myself, because I couldn't accept what's been there for years".
"I realized that I wasn't in love with your sister, I cared for her deeply I still do but it wasn't love. I have figured out who I was and who I am Ron. The truth is I..." I fell silent I just couldn't get the words out; I just hoped that Ron understood.
"The truth is that you're gay. Is that what you're trying to say?" Ron said in a neutral tone as he looked at me for confirmation, which I gave with a nod.
"Harry, you know what right now I can't help but to feel so proud of you for finally accepting it" Ron stated pulling me into a hug.
"Wait a minute, you knew that I was..Um..This way?" I asked him once he released me from his arms.
"I want you to say it Harry, I think it will make feel better if you did" Ron said with smile.
I still unsure of how saying it would make a different but for him I knew I had to try. "I'm...gay" I managed to say and in that moment I did actually feel better.
"Before you ask again yes, I knew. I had known for a while, so did Hermione of course I think she new first" Ron stated still with a happy grin.
"But how could you have? I never gave you any reason to think that of me. Why didn't you ever say anything?" I asked as fresh tears began to prick my eyes
Ron pulled me into another hug this time I hugged him back.
"As we got older I began to notice that you were indifferent toward other girls at Hogwarts. There were times when you told me a girl caught your eye; I just figured you were doing it because all the other boys were. For a while I just thought that you were just a late bloomer, but that changed when I saw the way you would look at Cedric. Seeing how you looked so drawn to him I just new.
I also knew that if I brought it up to you, you would deny every bit of it and on top of that Hermione told me that you had to figure it out yourself. Believe me there was a time that I wanted to say something, and that was when you started to see Ginny. But, I bit my tongue and let it go" Ron said softly still holding onto me.
"You should have done something about that, I could have spared her from this. You didn't have to say anything about me being gay or anything but something" I said pulling out of his arms.
"Hermione, didn't want me to she said that Ginny would understand if it didn't work out and she did in her own way. So that's why I never said anything do you understand?" Ron asked.
"Yeah I do, I just never figured that you would have known about it. I had thought that I had kept the Cedric thing hidden pretty well, even when he died and I was hysterical. I guess I wasn't good at hiding it then" I sated letting out a bit of a laugh.
"You were good at hiding it. Hermione said there was others I never knew about, but I just have to ask about one if you don't mind, did you have a thing for Draco?" Ron asked bluntly.
"For a little while I guess, there was just something about him that I was drown to" I said blushing a little.
It just felt great talking about everything I no longer felt depressed.
"Wow, how long did that last?" Ron asked laughing a little.
"Do you really want to know" I asked with a sly smiling.
We shared a laugh this time. I knew that Ron had a right to know about how I've felt about him.
"There was one more and he was more important to me then all the others I had crushes on. He was also the reason I clung to Ginny for as long as I did, and I think you know who that is" I said softly trying my best to act normal as I said it.
"I know Harry, I'm not going to lie there was a time when I thought of you that way as well. But then Hermione was there and that made sense to me. It had nothing to do with the fact that we were both guys or anything I just felt so strongly for her. I can't help but to say sorry" Ron answered softly.
"Don't apologize you don't have to I knew you loved her and I was okay with that. Right know I'm just happy I have you as my brother" I said to him with a real smile.
"Well I guess you're going to have to start dating soon" Ron said happily.
"I'll get there soon I just need a little more time" I answered back trying not to blush.
"Well whoever you end up with just make sure Hermione and I get to meet him" Ron said in a slightly stern voice.
"You want to meet all of them?" I asked
"Of course we have to make sure that the guy will take good care of you" Ron said nodding.
We both broke out in laughter. I knew he would always care about me and so would Hermione. I could live my life to the fullest being who I truly am. I couldn't be happier.
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