Snapshots of What May Be True Love But Probably Isn't
by JestaAriadne in the late nights of Dec 2002/Jan 2003
Featuring....
Yuffie and Vincent
Yuffie and Reno
Cloud and Vincent
Cloud and Tifa
Vincent and Cid
Red XIII and Cait Sith
Cloud and Jessie
Cloud and Sephiroth
Aeris and Sephiroth
Final Fantasy VII is NOT mine, it is SQUARESOFT'S and if they're still insecure about that fact... well.. *shakes head* I think we all know by now.
Notes (that you don't have to read...) Very short, very not-to-be-taken-seriously, sometimes very sarcastic making-fun-of little vigniettes of a moment with various couples from FFVII. And I'm being sarcastic and bashing ALL of them, even the ones I really like, *cough*majoryuffentinefan*cough* so um... you shouldn't really get offended.
Ta! Also, written sketchily as a script for a few laughs, coswell, I just like to laugh, OK? Probably... wait... no I take it back... possibly the stupidest thing I've written. I've written a LOT of stupid things.
ANYWAY, that's getting off the point. The point is to make fun of everyone. Enjoy!!
First up......... Yuffie and Vincent
Yuffie: VINNIEEEEEEE!!!!
Vincent: .......
Yuffie: HIIIIIIII!!!!!!
Vincent:......
Yuffie: *steals all his materia*
Vincent: ....
Yuffie (confused): Er, Vinnie, I've stolen your materia... Aren't you gonna try'n get it back or something?
Vincent: Oh yes. That is unacceptable behaviour. Give it back.
Yuffie: Not gonna! *runs*
Vincent: *turns into Chaos* ROAR!!
Yuffie: AAAAH!! *keeps running*
Vincent: *turns back* No... wait. Yuffie, I do not want to add another sin to my soul. Maybe this is a way for me to atone. Alright, you keep the materia.
Yuffie: YEY!
Vincent: And for added atonement, I'll put up with you being my girlfriend.
Yuffie: Um........OK! *kisses him*
~~~
Yuffie and Reno
Reno: Oaauuhhh the bear went ovvveer the moountain, *hic* the beaar.... aaaaaauuuugh...
Yuffie: Oooh, man, you are SO plastered.
Reno: Thanks, *hic* talking tree....
Yuffie: I'm not a talking tree, I'm Yuffie.
Reno: eh....? Bears... hehe....
Yuffie: Er... as in, Yuffie from AVALANCHE? Your enemy?
Reno: Hehe... mountains have the... wossnames...avalanches...*hic*
Yuffie: And you're a Turk, so I should probably run or kill you before you kill me. *considers* But I like to live dangerously!! So, can we have sex?
Reno: *recognizes that word* ...Sure... *hic*
~~~
Cloud and Vincent
Cloud: Life sucks, doesn't it?
Vincent: Life is but a shadow cast by death.
Cloud:.......?
Vincent: We are merely toys of the forces far beyond comprehension.
Cloud:.....indeed....
Vincent: *suddenly remembers* I HAVE SINNED!!!
Cloud: No you haven't. I love you!
Vincent: It would be a sin to love again.
Cloud:.....
Vincent:........
Cloud:......?
Vincent:... . .
Cloud:....?!
Vincent:....!!
Cloud: ....!!!!
Vincent: Yes!!
[They kiss]
~~~
Cloud and Tifa
Cloud: I'm so confused...... I don't understand life...... Sometimes I think I'm going crazy......
Tifa (dressed up specially): Hi Cloud.
Cloud: Hi Tifa... Nice ches- dress!!!!
Tifa: Hi Cloud... umm... *looks nervous*
Cloud: Hi Tifa. I'm so confused...
Tifa: I've.... I've got something I've gotta tell you...
Cloud: I don't understand lif- Sorry, what did you just say?
Tifa: I've got something important to tell you.
Cloud: Oh, OK. But sometimes I think I'm going crazy. Did you know that?
Tifa: Oh, I don't know how to say it......
Cloud: (helpfully) Life's confusing, isn't it?
Tifa: Yes....
Cloud: Just go ahead and say it. Get it off your chest- Er...
Tifa: I don't know how to -
[Tifa continues in this vein for about twenty minutes. Cloud sits and contemplates life.]
Tifa: Cloud, I - I love you!
Cloud: Hey, cool! I love you!!!
[They kiss. Cloti shippers cheer. Militant Cleris shippers grab their guns...]
~~~
Vincent and Cid
Vincent: .....I have sinned....
Cid: You £@£%*&&er, you haven't sinned. Well, you have. Everyone has &*$&$ing sinned, but that's no reason to get so down. I mean, if everyone.... *goes into a twenty minute speech* ....and that's why the chicken crossed the road!
Vincent:....
Cid: Damn, why's it gotta be so £@£%£$&*£$ing confusing?
Vincent:.... what?
Cid: LOVE, you £$£%£$%*&er. I LOVE YOU.
Vincent: ....?
Cid: @£*$&*£&^%~!!! STOP SAYIN' THAT!!!
Vincent: Sorry. I have sinned again, haven't I?
Cid: NO!!! SHUT UP! *kisses Vincent*
--the next morning--
Vincent: Cid....
Cid (growling): Vincent... WHERE'S MY £$&£*&ING TEA????
~~~
Red XIII and Cait Sith
Red: Hmmm.... so how's this supposed to work??
Cait Sith: Dunno. I mean... I'm a fake cat toy on a moogle controlled by a man miles away working for Shinra, and you're a weird red beasty thing....
Red: You're right I really can't see any sort of relationship developing.
Cait Sith: Yeah... I guess this author is just twisted.
Red: So many of them are...
Cait Sith: Or just plain weird and stupid. I mean, most fics don't even INCLUDE me!
Red: Hey, me neither!
Cait Sith: Really? I didn't realise... SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS ME!!!
[They kiss. Somehow.]
~~~
Cloud and Jessie
Jessie: Here, Cloud. I worked extra-hard on this special magic ID for you.
Cloud: *takes it*
Jessie: Er... aren't you going to say thank you?
Cloud: *glaring* Thank you.
Jessie: And here's a special magic thing that will help you hold up six foot long swords for longer periods of time without falling over! I worked all night on this one!
Cloud: *takes it*
Jessie: ....Cloud?
Cloud: Alright! Thanks. Now go away. I hate everyone.
Jessie: No, first, I have to give you a magic thing that will stop you from getting killed! It was mine, but.... I'm gonna give it to you, cos -
Cloud: *takes it*
Jessie: ....Cloud.......?
Cloud: What??
Jessie: ARGH!!!! CAN'T YOU TAKE A HINT??????
Cloud: ....?
Jessie: I LOVE you, you idiot!
Cloud: I don't care.
Jessie: ARGH. You just don't care about ANYTHING or ANYONE, do you?
Cloud: Nope.
Jessie: Not even Tifa?
Cloud: ...No.
Jessie: HOPE!!!
Cloud: ....
Jessie: Look, just please say you love me?
Cloud: No.
Jessie: PLEASE?
Cloud: ....Will you pay me?
Jessie: Shuddup! *kisses him*
~~~
Cloud and Sephiroth
Cloud: Sephiroth!
Seph: Muahaha!
Cloud: So....evil....but...so...hot...! *shakes*
Seph: I am, aren't I? *evil grin at the camera*
[fangirls the world over swoon]
Cloud: What are you doing here?
Seph: Muahaha! Cloud.... *waves hand stupidly* You will like me.... You WILL like me...
Cloud: *goes all flickery* (in a montone) Yes Master...
Seph: ...You will LOVE me! You will be my eternally devoted slave!!
Cloud: Yes Master...
~~~
SPOILER ALERT!!!!
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-STOP HERE if you haven't finished disc one-
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-(sorry, but I'm making a big deal of this because I know how annoying spoiling the story for yourself is from personal experience!!)
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STOP!!!!!!!! NOW.
And finally........
Aeris and Sephiroth!
Aeris: *prays*
Seph: *jumping down from on high with sword* DIE!!
Aeris: *dies*
Seph: Whoops. Didn't mean it.
Aeris: *comes back to life* Oh, OK.
Seph: I love you!!!!!!
Aeris: I love you too!!!!!!!
Seph: I'm really sorry about killing you and everything...
Aeris: That's OK.
They kiss. The end.
(AeriSeph fans cheer, militant Cleris fans feel they're getting a rough deal here and hold the author at gunpoint....)
~~~
Author: Alright, ALRIGHT!! For you.....
Special extra.
Cloud and Aeris
Cloud: I really love Aeris.
Aeris: (I'm dead.)
Cloud: I think I'll go ressurect her. *collects 121 tissues from the battle square, buries them in Aeris' flower-church-place, digs them up at midnight on the 7th day, eats two of them, throws the rest at the Emerald WEAPON forcing it to give him the Hyper Revive materia. In order to make this materia work, it must be combined with the X-Life materia which he gets from the Sleeping Forest after sacrificing Yuffie to the Forest God. Runs to the City of the Ancients. (Yuffie, by the way, is not happy about this and will wreak her vengeance later on the whole world, but that's not the point here.)*
Cloud: AAAAAEEEEERRRRRIIIIIISSSSS!!!!! *uses materia*
Aeris: *floats up out of the water, hair falling dramatically and not soaking wet all over her beautiful form* Cloud!! You - you ressurected me!! Thank you!
Cloud: *watches her floating above the water in the middle of the lake* You OK there?
Aeris: Um.....
Cloud: *starts to wade into the lake again. Realises that it must be pretty deep for Aeris to do that dramatic sinking-thing all the way down to the bottom. Starts to sink* Ooops.
Aeris: CLOUD??
Cloud: Aeris!! I'm DYING!
Aeris: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Cloud: NOOOOOOOO!!!
Aeris: *drops from the sky into the lake* *sinks*
Cloud: *continues to sink*
Aeris: *continues to sink*
(They grab each other's hands underwater. All following dialoge takes place underwater and so actually sounds something like "blubbeleuebelblublublua" but....anyway...)
Aeris: I'll never let go, Cloud!
Cloud: My heart will go on!
Aeris: I LOOOOOOVE YOU!
Cloud: I LOOOOOOVE YOU!
Both: *die*
(Cleris shippers still not entirely satisfied........ hmmm... oh dear..... Raise their guns again.)
(Author runs, hijacks the Highwind and hopes to live as an unnoticed fugitive. Realises the slight problem of the Highwind in this hope, parachutes out above Cosmo Canyon and lives out the rest of her days as the librarian there.)
THE END