Sacrifice

by weregrrl

Sirius Black has spent most of his life sacrificing, both intentionally and by force. All he wants is revenge, until he realises what he really wanted was a reason for all that sacrifice. Set during PoA. Songfic.

SACRIFICE
by Weregrrl

Can you tell me, softly
How you'll always haunt me
Can you help meHold me
Come to me now, slowly

Sirius Black was a broken man, held together by bare strings of humanity. After living – or rather, rotting – in Azkaban's deepest pits for thirteen years he was still haunted by the memory of that night. The night he had been late – too late – and lost his best friends in so many ways. Sometimes he would awake and think it just a particularly cruel nightmare; that he could go to James and laugh about the sheer absurdness of it later. Honestly, little Peter Pettigrew a deatheater! Of course, he wouldn't tell Peter that; hearing that even if only in his darkest nightmares, he had doubts about the poor boy's alliances would probably scar his timid soul for life. But he could not fool himself for long. It was inevitable that he knew where he really was and that he would not get out soon. Not to see the earth; not to breathe the air; not even to visit the graves of the closest blood-brother he ever had and his adored wife. He was being left to rot by a society that preferred it that way. In some ways, he too favored it to be so. Every time he thought to himself about his godchild living parentless, possibly friendless, with people the child's own mother had so eloquently once claimed as 'heart-eating, magically disinclined scum', Sirius felt a pang of shame and self-hatred. If he hadn't let Wormtail convince him to…If he had arrived earlier…If Remus had been secret keeper instead…

These thoughts had echoed through his mind endlessly for thirteen years, or perhaps thirteen nights – Sirius did not care. He only knew that he would never feel the same ever again about his life with what he had done. It was his fault entirely and he fully deserved to be where he was, always dreaming of the same smoldering house, the same happy faces turning to scowls of hatred or disappointment in him, or worse – turning blank, with eyes glazed over. He deserved to always wake to the darkness and the dampness and the smell of dead bugs. He deserved it all. Gods, he deserved more! He was Sirius Black, second-hand murderer and completely, utterly deserving of the blame he received.

You caress me, smoothly
Calm my fears and soothe me
Move your hands across me
Take my worries from me

At times, Sirius would think in depth about how nice and easy it would be to just let a dementor suck his soul out, to end it all. But that would just be entering yet another hell, one where he could never even hold the hope of strangling dear Peter's life force out of him. Still, the terrifying beauty of the ritual, for he had seen it many times before, of the dementor's kiss sent a chill of anticipation through his body. These creatures made purely of bad memories and stolen souls…what would it be like to be loved by one of these entities? How would it feel to be touched so gently; drawn in and caressed tenderly, and then being taken for everything? Would it be like a money-lusting woman, pulling him in sweetly with affection before tossing him away carelessly after she had what she wanted? Or perhaps it would be more like an act of kindness where the kindly man would put the wounded dog out of its misery to save it even more pain? He had no idea, but there was no doubt that it would most definitely end in being sucked into eternal darkness, and as horrid and barbaric a theory as it was, Sirius often had the strong urge to test it…

I will sacrifice
I will sacrifice
All I have in life
To clear my conscience

In the midst of contemplating how to cause both himself and that Pettigrew a painful death, and wondering dully whether or not dinner would be coming that night, Sirius had been surprised by a visit from the highly acclaimed Minister for Magic, Cornelius Fudge. To Sirius he had never seemed that special; a rather timid man really, dressed in eccentric lime clothing and a bowler that made him seem like a leprechaun more than anything else. He just seemed like another cowardly power-obsessed politician, seeming to care about people and help, but really sucking you dry trying to remain in power with lies and deceit. Just another Voldemort in disguise… he thought dryly.

As the gaudy man strutted by, holding his morning newspaper and acting as if the dirt beneath his well-polished shoes wasn't worthy of supporting his weight, a flicker of movement on the side of the printed paper caught the gaunt man's eye and he automatically clung to the Minister's robes.

The man looked down, shock, disgust, and fear all evident on his features. Sirius pulled his mouth into what he thought was an innocent smile, but what turned out to be more accurately described as the Cheshire Cat's evil twin's grin, and attempted, "Sorry, but I haven't done the crossword in so long…" and eyed the paper meaningfully.

Seeing the ferocious hunger in the eyes of the man clutching his best dress robes, Cornelius Fudge quickly shoved the paper at the scrawny creature.

"Here," he said, desperately trying to control his nerves, "Take it."

Sirius's grin widened, "Why thank you Minister," he said jovially, "I tell ya, if I were out you'd have my bloody vote!"

Fudge seemed even more unnerved at this, and quickly stated, "Well, y-yes, thank you. I'll just be moving along now."

At this, the Minister of Magic practically sprinted down the rest of the corridor. Despite himself, Sirius laughed. It took a lot to make a politician run – perhaps he was even scarier than he thought?

Hurriedly pulling himself from the thought, Sirius glanced down at the photo before him and smiled, an even more terrifying look than before. For the first time in thirteen years, Sirius Black had a reason to smile, and the longer he stared at the large family beaming before him on the page, the more he, himself, was found beaming back.

I will sacrifice
I will sacrifice
All I have in life
Sacrifice, sacrifice

After weeks of scheming, Sirius finally slipped out of his cell one evening in his animagus form. Scampering unsteadily down the steep incline to the raging sea below, and practically falling into said expanse of water, he decided how very glad he was indeed for being a dog. There were several reasons for this: dogs were great swimmers, they had lasting endurance and would protect their pack until the very end. Most of all, they had sharp fangs…

As he swam lopsidedly to the mainland, Sirius would have chuckled if he could at his friend Moony's response to that – that a dog's most defining quality was definitely their single-mindedness. Thinking of Moony was almost as hard as thinking of James and Lily for the man. He wondered where his dear friend was now, and if he was alright? If he was still classed as a friend in he other man's eyes, and if he had even been able to bear all those years alone or had flung off the handle at the loss of his only friends all in one night? At least Sirius knew where his friends' – and enemies' – loyalties resided, and their bodies, if the circumstances did deem it so. Remus thought all his loyal comrades were dead and the remaining one was a crazy Voldemort supporting mental case! If it were Sirius, he would most likely have drunk himself into the ground and then killed himself. But Remus, he knew, was stronger than that – he'd had to be. Remus would have gotten though the pain and loneliness…somehow. As the dog-man at last left the icy water for the shore, he decided he would have to be strong too; to survive long enough to sacrifice what was left of his life.

Can you feel me, solely
Deeper still and wholly
With your understanding
And your arms around me
Can you help me
Hold me
Whisper to me, softly
Move your hands across me
Take my worries from me

"What are you doing here Sirius?"

The voice was cold and hard, yet full of despair. The dark-haired man smirked bitterly, "You don't seem too pleased to see me, Remus," he stated. The shorter man gripped his wand tighter as he aimed it directly at his former friend's heart.

"Tell me why I should be? You've killed everyone I ever cared about and now you're here to kill our best friend's son. Why, Sirius? Tell me why?"

Sirius sighed sadly at his old friend. Poor Remus, he thought, before voicing softly, "It's not like what you've been told, friend. It is my fault but…Peter was the one who ratted them out to You-Know-Who."

If saying a name with enough venom could actually poison someone, Peter Pettigrew would have been dead there and then, and quite possibly several occasions earlier.

Remus's wand now shook uncertainly in his hand, "Peter couldn't do that. You were secret keeper!" the man's voice cracked hysterically on his words. His past coming back to him was evidently causing a great amount of emotion to pool up. Sirius shook his head roughly, "Use Veritaserum on me if that's what it takes for you to believe me!" he threw his hands wildly in the air, "Hell, torture the truth out of me for all I care, just believe me please!" he looked pleadingly at his friend, "Please, please…just try…"

The shabby wizard lowered his wand reluctantly at this. Sirius Black did not beg without reason, even to murder someone. He might not be lying…Remus thought, thoroughly perplexed.

"Fine," he stated, "But heed this: if you hurt Harry, I will not hold back on informing the whole school as to your presence," he raised his wand threateningly once more. Seeming not to notice the instrument pointed at his chest, Sirius went to embrace the other man in a bear hug, tears streaming down his face, "Thankyou…" he whispered.

Pulling away from the escaped prisoner, the shorter wizard said with difficulty, "I-I should get back to my duties…"

Sirius smiled gratefully as he began walking away. Typical Remus. Always trying to hold back his emotions with something studious.

He shook his head. At least someone was trying to trust him now. He felt more…accepted, and although he longed to joke and laugh with his remaining friend and godson, his priority was finding Peter and then disposing of him. Preferably in a garbage-like manner.

I will sacrifice

I will sacrifice
All I have in life
To clear my conscience
I will sacrifice
I will sacrifice
All I have in life
Sacrifice, sacrifice
I will sacrifice
Will sacrifice
Will sacrifice
Will sacrifice
Will sacrifice

Sirius finally had him. Finally, he had what he had been searching for. Smiling, he savored the moment, delighting at the squeak emanating from the damned rodent as he kicked its pudgy sides. Then something amazing happened; he let it go. All for the sake of a boy wanting to protect others' innocence, he had not killed the monster, had not ripped its undeserving body limb from limb as it prayed for forgiveness to a sin which could never be forgiven. The past thirteen years of his life gone, and all because one strikingly familiar schoolboy had told him not to become like it. He had smiled. He was free.

At least in that moment.

I will sacrifice
I will sacrifice
All I have in life
To clear my conscience

Tackling the mutant wolf to the ground, he felt only near blinding fear for his godchild – his only family. He knew no matter what happened; he must protect him from all dangers. He must. He would pay with his life for Harry's safety. It was a strikingly new sentiment for him, before he realized that subconsciously, that was what he had always been trying to do – protect Harry. All this time, it had not been hatred and need for revenge that had driven him towards Peter, but a wish for the safety of the child that was his responsibility. He was supposed to be the boy's caretaker in the event of an incident involving his parents. There had most definitely been an incident. Of course, avenging the dead had been in the plan as well, but the living were, after all, the only ones you could really protect.

These were his thoughts as he went down under the wolf.

These were his thoughts as the dementors circled his weak body, as vultures circle weak prey.

Slowly, he slipped into the subconscious realm…

I will sacrifice
I will sacrifice
All I have in life
Sacrifice, sacrifice

They told him he was to have the Kiss. He felt a sudden pang of sorrow. He had something to care for now, someone to look after, and he was being sentenced to death for something he had not truly done…

Sacrifice, sacrifice

…Harry and his female companion had come back for him. They had saved him. They had cost themselves so much to do so…

Sacrifice, sacrifice

…Dumbledore had told him to go, to fly away on a hippogriff that had, much like him, been prosecuted for a crime that it did not commit. If his betrayal was discovered…

Sacrifice, sacrifice

…Remus had lost his job due to the incident. Snape hadn't been able to keep his mouth shut about his lycanthropy after what had occurred. The slimy git didn't seem to be able to process the werewolf's dire need for a job. Hardly anyone gave werewolves a fair chance, even after Remus had tried so hard. He had lost so much…

Sacrifice, sacrifice…

…yet he was free, to an extent. Extending his arms in the wind that brushed past them, Sirius was reminded of his old motorcycle. How he had loved her. It was almost like really flying when he rode on her well-groomed steel and leather frame, so much more so than a broomstick. Now he felt sure he was even closer to the real thing, riding on the back of this powerful and regal beast. Perhaps life was like this too? You start off not having the freedom you so crave, and eventually, as you become more and more able to spread your wings and fly, so do you become more acquainted with the coy creature that is free will? But what happened once you reach the ultimate freedom? The epitome of happiness? After sacrificing so much, what did that goal really look like? Sirius felt like he had a fairly good idea. He had seen it so many times before – with Lily and James, and so many nameless others. Once you achieved such a high level of happiness, and were content with everything, that was when you died. Death was the ultimate reward. Perhaps it seemed a bit…sadistic, but maybe it was actually a blessing? Sirius sighed peacefully. He was the happiest he had been in years. He didn't want to die just yet! If freedom really was a sadist, then he'd just have to be the lithe prankster he had always been and stay one step ahead…

…or perhaps two, just to be safe…

-THE END-

A/N: So...yep, that's it! I started writing this at...3, no 4:48 AM (yes, I did look at the clock) and I was totally like LET'S WRITE! WRITING IS FUN! I AM SOOOO IN THE MOOD!! Then my dog knocked the door open (No seriously, he knocked a hardwood door open) and I had to play with him, then I can't remember much but yeah!...It's not edited (I haven't even read it, I'm so crazy hyper/exhausted) so I'm sorry if there are mistakes or its not very good. My keyboard batteries need recharging as well. Seriously? Why a wireless keyboard? It's just a big hassle (I didn't buy it)! I think you can all tell I'm hyper by now so YAY!!! This is my first published thingy...work...piece...thingy! on fanfic so I hope you liked it and I know most people really only read the romance stories but if you've read this then YAY YAY YAY!
Reviews appreciated, although god knows I don't review everything I read even if I want to somehow I'm sometimes to shy to...But if you like it: PLEAAAAAASSSSEEEEE?!!
Seriously...I'm hyper like a rabbit...or the Mad-Hatter! ^^
Wow...maybe I should put it under romance....not really XD
Oh, and the song is Sacrifice by Tatu:D